Right now I’m feeling really contracted about money. I’m feeling contracted about money because I spent more this month than I usually do. And so with the help of Mint.com I created a budget spending plan. But my knee-jerk reaction is, “Oh my god! I’m spending too much! The answer is to move out of my apartment!” Now, anyone will tell you I LOVE my apartment. My apartment always goes on my gratitude list because not only do I love the apartment, I love the location and I love my community in my apartment building. Heck, I know all the neighbors on my floor by sight. And not only that, I am friends with the people across the hall. I feel so blessed to be here. So why am I feeling the urge to move?
Fear.
I’m feeling afraid I won’t have enough money even though I’m still working the same job and I’ve been paying my rent and all my other expenses just fine for the past 22 months. I’m also feeling the weight of “responsibility” and “shoulds” raining down on my head:
“You’re being irresponsible! You’re paying too much for rent! You should find something cheaper!”
I’ve worked myself into a fine little frenzy. Here’s what’s really beautiful about all this though. Right in the middle of this freakout I found $3. Literally, right in the middle of it. I opened up my wallet to the section where I keep business cards, and thus don’t look at often, and there was $3 just sitting there. It was as if God/the Universe were saying to me, “Don’t worry baby. The money will always come when you need it.” And that’s what I want to talk about.
I have seen over and over again when I need the money it comes. I get a check from the government. My former company reconfigures how they classify their employees and I get backpay. Someone calls me up to housesit and get paid for it. I don’t ever need to react from fear. I don’t ever need to “figure it out,” on my own. I don’t ever need to control a situation. I am working with the Universe. It’s not, “You need to find a solution,” it’s, “Let’s work together on finding a solution.” I’m not in this alone. The Universe loves and supports me.
The Universe supports me even when I think I’m not supported. The Universe is infinite and so there are countless solutions to every problem. If I say I want to increase my abundance that doesn’t mean I have to take charge and slash my biggest expense. It’s better for me to see what opportunities present themselves and it’s not in my best interest to try to wrest control my higher power. The best thing I can do is turn this over, surrender it, and see what happens, knowing life supports me now and always.
I dream of a world where we all recognize we are supported by the Universe. A world where we allow ourselves to feel that support. A world where we let go and let God, taking inspired action along the way. A world where we recognize we co-create our lives with a power greater than ourselves, a power that will and does stick with us always.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This week Shakespeare’s quote, “All the world’s a stage/And all the men and women merely players,” finally made sense to me. I really got my whole life is one big drama. In Sanskrit there’s a word liila, which means “the divine play” and it’s used in conjunction with God. As in, “My whole life is God’s liila or divine play.”
Here’s the thing. I used to behave as if not only was I an actor in this play called Life, but also the director, stage manager and producer. I thought I was everything. I thought I was all those roles. I thought I was in charge of who my romantic lead was, how long the show would run, and how much money I could make, but I’m not.
It used to bother me thinking I was the Universe’s plaything, like a rag doll that gets tossed about. I didn’t want to be just an actor. I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to be autonomous and make things happen. Here’s the funny, paradoxical truth though. The more I’ve come to embrace my life as just an actor, the more I’ve relinquished control essentially, the more the play runs smoothly. The more I end up getting what I want. It may not be when I want or how I thought it would turn out, but it happens anyway. People are probably tired of hearing this, but it took me a full year to get my current job and it’s better than what I anticipated. I’m getting paid $8,000 more than I would have asked for. When I tried to be the director during that process of applying for jobs all I accomplished was feeling frustrated and upset.
Here’s the other funny, paradoxical truth. I feel more at peace, more calm, more serene when I do my part as an actor. When I take inspired action and leave the rest up to my higher power. When I say, “God, I want this but I’m letting you take the reins.” I am a former control freak admitting it feels good when I let my higher power be in charge. I’m confessing I feel a sense of relief, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Because I get to live in lala land and dance through meadows while someone else worries about the details. All that’s required of me is to show up and say my lines.
Since the Universe didn’t hand me a script for my life, I have to rely on my intuition to guide me. And as Abraham Hicks would say, move toward what makes you feel good. Or at least what makes you feel better; that’s when you know you’re heading in the right direction.
All of this is a long-winded way of saying I thought I was in control of my life but I’m not. Like an actor, I get to make suggestions to the director, but ultimately someone else is calling the shots. And you know? I’m ok with that because my higher power usually wants more for me than I want for myself.
I dream of a world where we all show up and play our parts. A world where we revel in our roles and let intuition be our guide. A world where we relinquish control to the Universe knowing everything is taken care of. A world where we let the Universe be the director.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
It’s funny that I would title this post “unconditional happiness” when for the past few days I’ve been an emotional wreck – I flipped out on my best friend, cried to my mom, and have been feeling otherwise all over the map. I am by no means an authority on happiness (does such a person exist?) but I do know some things to be true for me.
After my raw post from last week certain things came to light. I’ve written before about not living my life on a layaway plan, not projecting my future happiness on winning a gold medal or whatever, but I did just that. I thought I needed to get exactly what I wanted before I could be happy. I couched it (subconsciously) as, “As soon as I get X, then I’ll be happy. Then I’ll feel at peace.” My breakdown last week reminded me of the fallacy of placing the cause of my happiness on anyone or anything other than myself. I was reminded that I do not have to wait for happiness. I don’t have to put it off. I can choose to be happy right here and right now.
How does a person even do that? How do they shift their feelings and feel whole and complete with what’s in front of them?
In a conversation with my best friend he asked me, “What is the purpose of your life?” and I responded, “Liberation.” And then he said, “What is the purpose of this life?” and I said, “To experience bliss.”
“What is the definition of bliss?” he said.
“I don’t know. How can you define bliss? It’s an emotion. It’s a state of joy.”
“And what’s joy?”
“Why are you asking me that? How am I supposed to describe joy?” (He and I have a very cantankerous relationship at times.)
“Just try.”
“It means to experience happiness.”
“What’s happiness?”
“To experience contentment.”
“And how do you experience contentment?”
“By being appreciative and grateful for what you have.”
Ah. Ding. Happiness starts with contentment. And even though right now my nickname could be senorita crazy pants, I recognize if I wanted I could change that. I recognize my mom will not make me feel better. I recognize publishing my book will not make me feel better. I recognize all the reasons, all the lists of things and events and situations I think I need to feel a certain way can be completely disregarded. I can throw those suckers in the trash not because they aren’t worthwhile or they won’t come true, but because I don’t need them to happen to feel better. And for that I’m grateful. Maybe I’ll get to experience bliss after all.
I dream of a world where we all experience untold bliss. A world where we live in unconditional happiness. A world where we live in love and peace and joy. A world where we recognize we decide how we feel. A world where love is bountiful and plenty and bliss floats like clouds in the sky.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I am sad and angry and pissed off. Mostly I feel cheated and lied to. I feel cheated and lied to because people have said, “Just do x, y, and z and then you’ll get what you want.” So then for years and years and years I worked on doing x, y, and z and now? I still don’t have what I want. I feel like a whiny baby for even talking about this but I think there’s an important lesson to all of it: other people are not privy to the details of my path. They just aren’t.
Other people don’t know. They know what works for them, what they did, but they don’t know what will work for me. No one can say to me, “Rebekah just do this,” because you know what? I did. I did all of it. Every single last thing. And now that I look around, now that I’m at the edge of the cliff what I want still isn’t in front of me. And I’m sad and upset and frustrated because, “You promised! You said if I did x, y, and z I would get what I wanted! But I haven’t!” And also there’s nothing left to try. Crap. Now what?
Bye bye control, that’s for sure. Bye bye micromanaging and thinking I can control the outcomes of my life. Bye bye thinking other people can tell me what to do. Bye bye all illusions. Hello higher power/God/Brahma/Parama Parusa, it’s just you and me now. I know you’ve been waiting on me for a while but I had to try it my way first. I didn’t believe you could or would handle things. I thought I had to take care of it myself. Now I know differently. There ain’t nothing left to do but give it to you. So here you go. You take care of things for a while. Me trying to control the outcomes of my life only drives me nuts.
And while you’re taking care of things for me I’ll walk over into gratitude and appreciation because I want to feel good. I want to enjoy what I have. I want to live in joy and love and happiness. I want to remember the good things in my world and all that I have, knowing everything else will take care of itself. This is me showing up and turning it over. I don’t know that anyone else will even benefit from reading this except maybe it will inspire you to let your higher power handle it too. Whatever “it” is.
I dream of a world where we remember we are all on our own paths. A world where we recognize other people only know what’s best for them. A world where we trust in a power greater than ourselves and let the future take care of itself. A world where we instead live in the moment, joyous and free, taking things as they come one day at a time.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.