Today I had the pleasure of running into not one but TWO friends of mine unexpectedly. The second one said, "Free falling is only scary if you fight it." That statement really struck me, probably because I've been fighting, well, everything.
There's a lot going on in my world right now and I don't altogether trust my higher power. Whenever things don't go the way I think they "should" or that equate pleasure and enjoyment I think it's time to take my free will back because my higher power is obviously not doing a very good job. I know, the hubris of such a sentiment! But it's how I feel nonetheless. So when my friend said to me free falling is only scary if you fight it, I realized this process doesn't have to be scary. I can choose to see things differently. Instead of feeling punished or put upon or angry, I can go with it. I can allow myself the sensation of free falling, knowing when need be I can pop my parachute.
I aspire to be as joyful while falling as this guy is.
It's certainly not easy, nor am I able to shut down my urge to fight, but I know from past experience my higher power will catch me. That it's important to keep the faith because even though times are hard, they will get better. That even though I'm panicked (quite literally because my adrenal glands are so depleted I freak out over every little thing) the feeling will pass. I don't seem to remember that.
Two years ago I wrote a post that elucidated exactly that — if something is happening in the present I think it will last forever. In that particular post it was about a car alarm going off. These days it's the belief I will NEVER find a great place to live, that I will NEVER sell a bunch of books, that I will NEVER make more money, etc. I think this is probably because I'm a bit of a drama queen or an addict. Funny how I only think about these things for the negative emotions and experiences and not the positive ones. I don't believe bliss will last forever and instead appreciate it for the transitory experience it is. I wish I could feel the same way about misery.
So again, I have to come back to basics. I have to be with the process, knowing it will pass and doesn't have to be quite so terrifying. I have to remember even though I don't understand any of my life's circumstances, they are all happening for a reason. Someone said to me today, "You can't fall out of grace." How true. There is nothing I can do that will make God and the universe love me any less or punish me. Yes, there are equal and opposite reactions to all actions I take, but even those are temporary. All of it is temporary. Free falling isn't scary if you don’t fight it.
I dream of a world where we sit with the process, whatever it might be. A world where we understand all things are only temporary. A world where we know we have strength and patience and fortitude to move through any difficulty even if we feel like we're hanging on by our fingertips. Because as was shown to me today, we never know what's around the corner and when we'll receive the help we need.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
I have never in my life been as financially poor as I am now. I know many people believe that by writing that statement I’m only making my financial situation worse, so in order to counter that sentiment I’ll also say I am increasing my financial abundance and that all of my financial needs will always be met.
Lately I’ve had tunnel vision when it comes to money. I feel like I’m forever saying, “No” to things because I don’t have the financial means. A friend suggested I needed a vacation and my first response was, “I’d love to take a vacation but I don’t have the money to fly anywhere,” which was true. However, the universe is creative and there are infinite ways to accomplish what I desire without involving money. In this case I used my frequent flier miles to head up to Seattle to stay with my parents.
Hallelujah! A vacation!
That may sound like the most obvious solution in the world but it was not because I didn’t have enough frequent flier miles and neither did my parents. But the universe always provides, as I’ve written about before. I stumbled across the website points.com, which allows you to shift loyalty points from one program to another! I didn’t have enough miles in any one program but I certainly had enough when I combined points! Thus I was able to take a much-needed vacation after all. (By the way, does anyone want to donate points to me so I can fly to my friends’ wedding in New Hampshire?)
Also, my current apartment is driving me crazy. I write that with only a touch of trepidation that my landlady will see it, but I’m banking on the fact she doesn’t know my blog exists nor have I ever sent her an e-mail in order for her to find the link. The place is fine at night after everyone goes to sleep, so yes, I’m sleeping through the night, but at other times I’m going out of my friggin’ mind. Last week her little rat dog BIT ME and DREW BLOOD. For the record, never in my life have I been bitten by an animal until last week; usually animals love me and beg to sit on my lap. So I’ve frantically been looking for new places to live and have been pretty depressed about it actually. (Moving AGAIN?!?)
But the universe provides and life can be lived without money. My dear friends announced they are going out of town for two weeks and I asked whether I could housesit. They said yes so for two weeks I get to have peace and quiet in a gorgeous San Francisco condo. Halle-frickin-lujah. The whole experience reminds me all of my needs will always be met and it doesn’t have to involve money even if at the onset I think it will. I am loved by the universe and will always be provided for.
I dream of a world where all of our needs will always be met. A world where we understand money is not the be-all, end-all we think it is. A world where we realize the universe is listening and it’s up to us to continue to ask and be open to what comes back. A world where we know life can be lived without money.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This week I texted a friend, “I will eat you out of house and home!” Did you know that idiom originates from William Shakespeare? Did you also know Shakespeare is credited with creating approximately 1,700 words? SEVENTEEN HUNDRED WORDS people. I bring this up because so very often I feel like a peon, a grain of sand on a beach, a speck in time, and I start to question what one person can really accomplish. I don’t have any superpowers, nor am I likely to cure cancer, but then I remember one person can accomplish a lot.
This man is pretty epic if you think about it.
I am inspired by hearing Shakespeare created 1,700 words that are still in use today. The dude died almost 400 years ago and yet we still remember him. That’s some power right there. He was one person, and yet he had a lasting effect on the world around him. He was a person just like me and he absolutely made a difference. And he’s not alone. Albert Einstein was another great man who revolutionized physics. One guy, huge impact.
So often I think I have to do something HUGE in order to leave an impression on the world, but in truth, each of these fellows followed their hearts and let the chips fall where they would. I doubt either of them foresaw people would still be talking about them long after their deaths. It’s amazing the sort of power one person can have on the world. One person can and does make a difference.
One of my favorite quotes comes from Mother Teresa: “We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.”
If you’ve ever taken a dropper bottle and put drops of water on a penny you know there comes a certain tipping point where just one more drop breaks the surface tension and the water spills over the surface. We don’t know if we are that drop. We don’t know what ripple our actions will create. We have no idea how powerful we actually are, and that’s what amazes me today. To realize even though I am a small human being I am also powerful beyond measure. That I could also change the world and so can you.
I dream of a world where we realize we are powerful beings who can leave an imprint on the world around us. A world where we realize all of our actions means something and all of our actions add up. A world where we understand as Mother Teresa also says, “I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
So often I’ve heard “celebrities: they’re just like us,” but never quite believed it. In my mind there was always something “special” about a celebrity because they were famous and fame seems to be a very capricious thing – it’s not as if you go to school and can become a celebrity. This week I had the good fortune of spending time with two celebrities and have come to the conclusion I don’t know why some people become doctors either, but that doesn’t mean they’re more “special” than I am.
Years ago I would have regaled you with stories of hanging out with someone famous because I wanted to impress you. I wanted to show I was “important” because I knew a celebrity. Today, instead I find myself relating to those around me, understanding no one is that different, whether they’re famous or not. That I can do what they do, and in fact, I am.
Do you know how hard it is to find a stock photo of a fake celebrity signing autographs? Answer: very difficult. At least in this one the star is not so obvious.
So to back up a bit, I had the opportunity to be a part of an interview with Marianne Williamson. As in the woman who wrote, A Return to Love. As in the woman who I’ve quoted a jillion times in this blog. Yes. I have no idea how it happened but I am so glad it did. I have put this woman and others like her on a pedestal believing they were gifted with something I was not. Believing they must have been graced with something in order to do what they do. Meeting Marianne and seeing her speak showed me how false that is.
Don’t get me wrong, she is an amazing speaker and she obviously taps into divine consciousness in her talks but you know what? So does anyone who’s creative and has something to say. There’s nothing so very different about us. She’s a person just like I am. She gets spider bites and a dry throat and unruly hair. We are absolutely cut from the same cloth and that cloth is “human.”
What I also find interesting is “celebrity” is really about the beholder. On Tuesday I had dinner with Raymond Bagatsing, a Filipino actor I love. He said we wouldn’t be able to have the same experience in the Philippines because everybody would be looking at him and people would be mobbing the table. He didn’t say it to brag, nor to lament his life and his fans, he said it very matter-of-factly. Yet here in the States, nobody knows him from Adam. Obviously celebrity isn’t really about the person who’s famous, it’s about the people who are viewing them. It’s us that put people on pedestals. It’s us who think somebody is special and amazing. It’s us who turn that person into someone they’re most likely not. Because honestly, Raymond and Marianne are just doing their thing.
I dream of a world where we understand celebrities are just like us. A world where we realize no one is more special or less special than someone else. A world where understand people are people no matter what they’re doing, no matter what they’re wearing, no matter who they are. A world where each of us feel like the divine children we are because each of us is special and each of us has our own role to play.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This week I experienced a huge shift in my perspective. I’ve been in a space of focusing on what I want – and lamenting that I don’t have it – instead of seeing what has been given to me. I think I’ve already mentioned for years I’ve been a bit, er, obsessed with being in a relationship. I did make peace with the fact I’m single, and may be single for the rest of my life, but that hasn’t slackened my wanting any less.
Last night I finally felt gratitude for being single. I have some hang ups and I finally realized what a blessing it is that I’m being given the space to work on those hang ups without anyone else around. I don’t have to deal with my issues while also trying to navigate the dynamics of involving myself with someone else. I see how much easier it is to heal my wounds now that I’m alone. Instead of focusing on my “want” I’m instead seeing what has been given to me – a great opportunity.
Everything can be looked at as either a blessing or a curse.
In the same vein, I’ve been dreaming of the day I can stop writing about things I don’t particular care about and instead make money from my publishing company Inspirí Press and my book Just a Girl from Kansas. If you’ve met me in person it’s quite likely you’ve heard me grumbling. On Tuesday I came home at 9 p.m. and still had to finish up an article for work. As I sat down at my desk, peace descended upon me as I began to write. Writing is what I was born to do. I finally realized what a blessing it is that I have the job I do. I get to work from home, as a writer, and honestly it’s not that difficult. I mean, it is and it isn’t. Writing is a skill so it doesn’t take me much effort to crank out an article. I understood I get paid to do something that’s fairly easy for me. I don’t have to stretch my limits everyday to do something I don’t fully understand. I don’t have to labor in a factory line. I don’t have to deal with snotty customers. I finally see what has been given to me.
I guess I’m taking gratitude a step further. I’m starting to cultivate an attitude of gratitude not only for the things everyone is grateful for – friends, a place to sleep, food to eat, etc. – but also for the things I used to dislike. I’m in the mindset of understanding everything is a blessing – even the things at first glance I thought were a curse. And that is a miracle.
I dream of a world where we look at what is being given to us. A world where we find the good even if at first glance we think it’s bad. A world where we feel grateful for all that’s given to us because we understand it all boils down to a shift in perspective. A world where instead of focusing only on what we want, we see what has been given.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
“Connection is why we’re here.” — Brené Brown
The word “vulnerable” and the derivative “vulnerability” have been bandied about in my presence this week so I figured that meant I needed to write about it. I watched Brené Brown’s talk “The Power of Vulnerability” (below) because it’s been on my watch list for a long time and I finally got around to it.
In Brown’s talk she says, “Connection is why we’re here.” I believe it. The times I cherish the most are when I feel connected to a friend, my family, nature, or my higher power. I’ve also come to realize connection doesn’t happen unless I’m vulnerable. I need to create the space within me to allow others to come in, which only happens when my walls are down. It’s scary though. Admitting I’m scared of being vulnerable might sound funny coming from me considering I’ve already outed myself as an addict, and I wrote a whole damn book that shows off my warts, but it’s true. Whenever I allow myself to be vulnerable there’s still that fear I’m opening myself to harm. That instead of connecting with me I’m exposing my soft underbelly so you can rip my guts out.
Brown pinpoints this as shame and fear. Yep. Pretty much. So what’s a girl to do? Run away and keep my walls up forever and always sounds pretty good. Except that means I miss out on connection. Well crap. Obviously I have to continue to follow the motto that has been guiding me since I was 17 or so: “If you’re scared do it anyway.” I keep opening myself up, I keep allowing myself to be vulnerable, because the risk is worth it. Because I love connection so much. I live for connection. I absolutely love it when people call me up and share what’s really going on with them. I feel so honored they trusted me enough to do so.
Yeah, I hate, hate, hate being vulnerable, yeah I hate the possibility my vulnerability is going to be turned around and the person will use it as a weapon, but really that’s not going to happen. One, because I already know what my issues are, thank-you-very-much, so if someone tries to take pot-shots at me the wind will go out of their sails because my retort will be, “Yes, I know.” Two, like I would ever allow myself to be vulnerable to a jerk. I’m presuming here that anyone who picks up Just a Girl from Kansas will do so because they’re drawn to it. Any jerks or potential jerks will set it down. So really what am I opening myself up to? More connection.
As Brown mentions, we can’t pick and choose our feelings. I’ve heard before there’s only one switch for emotions and that’s “on.” Because when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable we also allow joy, creativity, belonging, and love to come in. We allow more sweetness than we can imagine. Yes, I effing hate being vulnerable but I choose to go forth and be courageous, which according to the original definition means to “tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.”
I dream of a world where we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. A world where we know vulnerability breeds a lot of good things in our life. A world where we understand in order to get what we want we have to allow ourselves the possibility we’ll get hurt. As Brown says, a world where we’re grateful we feel so vulnerable because that means we’re alive.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I really REALLY did not think I would be writing about this. But here I am. “This” being the account of the man in Florida who ate another man’s face. And the person in Maryland who ate someone else’s heart and brain. I’m so distressed by these news stories I will not be linking to them because I cannot even glance at the ensuing headlines without cringing. And that’s a good thing.
I’ve been thinking being such a sensitive person is a plight, a curse. Something I wish would go away because it makes living in a world where there is torture and massacre of children extremely painful. A few people have said to me it’s great I’m so sensitive, that the world needs more sensitive people. If everyone felt the way I did – shocked and horrified by violence, homelessness, poverty, etc. – more would be done about it. If enough people were sensitive, and enough people woke up to what is happening in the world, injustices could not continue.
I'm not sure why this picture says "sensitive" to me but it does.
I think all the atrocities in the world are a wake-up call. A chance for us to say, “This is unacceptable and must be changed/stopped.” Sometimes it takes extreme acts to get our attention. Humanity is obviously crying out for help. We sensitive souls are being called to action. Instead of sitting idly by, covering our ears, wishing it would stop, we’re being asked to do something. I’m not sure what that “something” is because it depends on the person. For me, the lesson is to love even more.
Many of you know this, but my Sanskrit name Radha means personification of love. These days I’m being asked to really live that name. To love everyone, not just the people it’s easy to love. I’m being asked to love those who are violent, those who mentally imbalanced, those who narcissistic, and those who are mean. This is no easy task because my first reaction is to distance myself. But the more I distance myself the more I allow horrible things to happen. It’s as if I’m saying on an energetic level, “I am not a part of you. I am separate and thus don’t need to engage with you.” Those times are over.
When I hear the expression, “The meek shall inherit the Earth,” my interpretation is the sensitive souls will inherit the Earth. Not because we ran for cover when the going got tough, but because we were so sensitive to what was going on around us we had to put a stop to it. We had to stand up and say, “No.” So as much as I hate being sensitive at times, I also know it’s a good thing. Because it’s people like me who are going to bring about change. We must because the alternative is unbearable.
I dream of a world where we acknowledge sensitivity is a gift, something to be celebrated. A world where the sensitive people embrace their nature, understanding it’s what makes them alive. A world where the sensitive people band together and say, “No more. We are changing things.”
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
“Don’t look back — you’re not going that way.” – Mary Engelbreit (excerpted from her poem).
I’ve seen this quote popping up all over facebook recently, probably because it’s right around graduation. I’m sure there are a lot of people looking back because they have no idea what’s coming next and sometimes it’s easier to look back than it is to face the fear of the unknown.
I must admit I’ve been doing a lot of looking back myself because I’m not happy where I am. I recognize there’s a benevolent force in my life, guiding me, but that doesn’t always mean I like where I’m going even if it’s in my best interest. Like how even at this moment I’m hearing the pulse of music blaring downstairs. I am extremely grateful it should stop by 10 p.m. but I’m realizing I don’t want to hear music playing ever. That if given a choice I would choose silence at all hours of the day. So I’m looking back. I’m reminiscing about when I stayed in a converted monastery in Italy, or visited my parents in Seattle, or any of the countless times I’ve stayed someplace quiet, wishing I could be back there.
It’s a whole lot easier to think about the “good ole days” than it is to sit with the discomfort of the here and now. So I look back. At the same time I recognize the futility of looking back because being wistful accomplishes nothing. There is a reason I’m not living in Italy, or Seattle, or someplace else in San Francisco. There’s a reason I am where I am. And if I’m forever looking back I’m missing out on the here and now. The rest of Engelbreit’s poem, which is quoted less often, is this:
When you travel though life there are always those times when decisions just have to be made And the choices are hard and solutions are scarce and the rain seems to soak your parade!
There are some situations where all you can do is simply let go and move on
Gather courage together and choose a direction that carries you toward a new dawn.
So pack up your troubles and take a step forward the process of change can be toughBut think about all the excitement ahead if you can be stalwart enough!
There could be adventures you never imagined just waiting around the next bend
And wishes and dreams just about to come true in ways you can’t yet comprehend!Perhaps you’ll find friendships that spring from new interests as you challenge your status quo
And learn there are so many options in life and so many ways you can grow!
Perhaps you’ll go places you never expected and see things that you’ve never seenOr travel to fabulous faraway worlds and wonderful spots in between!
Perhaps you’ll find warmth and affection and caring a “somebody special” who’s there
To help you stay centered and listen with interest to stories and feelings you share.
Perhaps you’ll find comfort in knowing your friends are supportive of all that you doAnd believe that whatever decisions you make they’ll be the right choices for you!
So keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking life day by day
There’s a brighter tomorrow that’s just down the road
Don’t look back — you’re not going that way!
Yes, it’s a little cheesy, but it’s also true. I have no idea what’s ahead so if I keep looking back I might miss out on what’s ahead. And who knows, maybe the temporary discomfort will pass and things will get loads better. I’m not going back. I’m charging ahead.
I dream of a world where we don’t look back, we look ahead. A world where we open ourselves up to what’s before us and understand pain and discomfort is only temporary. A world where we know there are no “good ole days,” because there’s a reason things aren’t that way anymore.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Today I went to the Maker Faire. From their website:
Part science fair, part county fair, and part something entirely new, Maker Faire is an all-ages gathering of tech enthusiasts, crafters, educators, tinkerers, hobbyists, engineers, science clubs, authors, artists, students, and commercial exhibitors. All of these “makers” come to Maker Faire to show what they have made and to share what they have learned.
The faire was very cool and also very overwhelming because of the sheer amount of people and inventions. One such invention is the 3D printer. (Full disclosure, my friend works for MakerBot.)
In essence, you tell the printer, “I’d like to print a dragon,” and THEN YOU CAN. IN 3D. That wasn’t even the coolest thing at Maker Faire. I’m not sure what the coolest thing was because so many cool things were vying for my attention. Like dye that’s activated by the sun. And a replication of the Viper, a starship from Battlestar Galactica:
PEOPLE ARE SO INVENTIVE AND INGENIOUS. I love it. It’s amazing. What’s funny is today was also an annular solar eclipse! Look at these pictures some friends of mine took:
When there's a solar eclipse shadows are cast differently. Notice the crescent-moon shapes as opposed to normal blocks of light. Photo by Amy White.
The sun is so bright here even looking at the photo almost hurts my eyes. Photo by Annie Sexton.
So cool! So beautiful!
What I find interesting is today in particular natural and manmade makers collided. I am in awe of both what human beings are capable of making and also what nature has made. It’s something I can’t quite put into words because both are astounding. Both show me how special this world is that we live in because we do get to experience duality. At the same time we’re running around inventing things, we also get to soak up what nature has made. We live in a time where both are possible. And that is really cool.
I dream of a world where human inventiveness continues to be celebrated. A world where we continue to dream something and then manifest it. A world where we not only appreciate our own creations but those of the natural world as well. A world where we stop for a moment and realize how special the world can be.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I know “the invisible hand” usually refers to Adam Smith’s notion of self-regulation in the economic marketplace, but in this sense I mean an invisible hand in terms of a guiding presence, a benevolent force.
As many of you know, I moved out of my beloved apartment in January because I wasn’t able to sleep at night. Months later I’ve still been upset by it because like I said, I really loved that place. I knew why I moved out on a practical level (no sleep, raucous neighbors, a pulsing noise), but I wanted to know the metaphysical reason. I wanted to know why the universe constructed it so I had to leave.
I finally found out.
I’m a part of Alerts SF, which is a municipal alert system that texts me when there are road closures or gas leaks, that sort of thing. Several days ago they texted me saying there was a road closure on Post two blocks down from where I lived due to police activity. According to this news article, police shot and killed a suspect who opened fire on police officers during a standoff. The suspect was contacted because he had a connection to a homicide investigation and then he shot at the police when they arrived. Nearly two dozen shots were fired.
The manager of my old building said our street had gotten rougher and this news report confirmed it. This event happened literally two blocks down from where I used to live. You may have noticed, but I’m very sensitive. I am not able to tolerate lower vibrations, especially where I live. So I can’t help thinking, that’s why I moved. I moved because the invisible hand that guides my life saw all this coming and pushed me out for my safety and happiness.
Now? I pass by trees on my walk home from BART or the bus. There is no graffiti on the main walkways. There is no one accosting me. There is only peace and quiet. And nature. That’s the other thing.
Today I went for a hike on Mount Tamalpais with a friend of mine.
This is a close approximation of what we saw today.
Coming back to the city was rough. For the first time, maybe ever, I realized I want to live near more greenery. That I wasn’t quite ready to come back to civilization. What struck me is that’s exactly where I’m living now. The other day I meditated on pine needles while surrounded by fennel, birds chirping, and shrubs. The invisible hand guided me to where I live now, which I didn’t even know I’d want because like I said, until today I didn’t know how much I missed trees. Often I don’t understand why things happen the way they do, but eventually I find out. And when I do, I’m always struck by how there’s a benevolent force in my life. How I may not like what’s happening in my life but it’s always in my best interest. I’m touched by how someone, somewhere, is looking out for me.
I dream of a world where we all have an invisible hand guiding our lives. A world where we are pushed to better places, people, and things. A world where we know we are being taken care of each and every day. A world where we understand everything really does happen for a reason.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.