Constant Belonging
One of my core wounds is around belonging. I would say that’s a consequence of growing up as the “weird kid” but these days I think everyone has this wound. We all want to belong. To be clear, belonging is not the same thing as fitting in. As Brené Brown says, “Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.”
For instance, fitting in is wearing the same jeans as everyone else. Belonging is wearing the jeans you want to wear without fear you’ll get kicked out of the group or teased. Belonging means sharing your authentic self and trusting you’ll still be loved and accepted. I don’t know if this is a hallmark of belonging but for me, belonging is not only being accepted by one person, it’s about being accepted by a group. I may be accepted in a one-on-one interaction but what happens when another person is added to the mix? How about when there are three people? Four?
Things get more complicated the more people you add to a group. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but people are messy and flawed. Inevitably we fight with other people, we disagree on key positions, and then suddenly we’re no longer a part of the group. This happens all the time, even among people who are keen on creating belonging. Do you know why most intentional communities fail? Because of challenging interpersonal dynamics, of course!
It may seem like the solution is to find a different group, to continue narrowing your focus on people who are like you but anchoring belonging to other people is like building a house on sand – eventually, it will collapse. You can’t count on people to provide you with perpetual belonging. How do we find belonging then?
I can’t say what works for other people but what works for me relates to my post from early February about how we are nature. It’s recognizing as Earthlings, we always belong to the Earth. There is nowhere we can go on the planet where we’re not connected to the planet. If that’s a little heady, I’ve been imagining growing roots and anchoring to the Earth but also having the Earth flow its energy back to me.
I envision filtered Earth energy in the form of golden light permeating my entire body reminding me, yes, we are connected, yes, it’s constant, and yes, I always belong to the planet. There can be no falling out with Earth. It’s forever holding me, loving me, nurturing me. On good days and bad days, the planet is my constant companion. And not only the planet.
In my spiritual tradition, it’s said the Divine is your one true friend, your one true companion because it’s with you from birth to death and lifetime after lifetime. The Divine never leaves you, ever. And furthermore, the secret of meditation is to realize we’re being meditated upon all the time. We have love constantly raining down on us whether we’re aware of it or not. The secret of meditation is to become aware of it. One of my favorite blogs about the concept is from a decade ago where I write that we are the beloved. And it’s true – whether somatically from the planet or spiritually from the Divine, we are loved beyond measure and we always, always belong.
I dream of a world where we let ourselves be who we really are without fear. A world where we understand we don’t have to change anything about ourselves to belong. A world where instead of turning to people to meet that need for belonging, we turn to something more constant: the planet and the Divine.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
