I don't often write while I'm on vacation, but I'm not on vacation even though I'm traveling so you're getting a blogpost! AWIP (Another World is Probable) is a very introspective blog, obviously. I'm an introverted person, so usually I write about things we can do individually to make our lives better and make the world better. This week I'm taking more of an outward focus.
When I interviewed for a potential sublet the woman asked me what is most important to me in terms of living with someone else. My immediate answer was, "being considerate." That's really the heart of it for me. Being considerate means thinking of other people, means selflessness instead of selfishness. My absolute pet peeve is when someone is being inconsiderate. I'm getting up in arms just thinking about it.
It occurred to me this week just how important it is to think of other people. We (in the West) often have this view of the world and how it's "dog eat dog." There's this idea you have to take what's yours, be selfish, get your own needs met. That's true to a degree but it's imbalanced. You know where "dog eat dog" gets us? Just watch this video on the distribution of wealth in the U.S.
I covered my eyes for parts of this video. I couldn't even look at the infographics. I am so horrified, I can't even tell you. ONE PERCENT of Americans have FORTY PERCENT of the nation's wealth. ONE PERCENT. And 80% of the nation has to split up 7% of the wealth. Guys, that's messed up. And you know how we got that way? Because everyone was looking out for themselves.
There's a concept in yoga, a social norm, called aparigraha. It means living with the minimum necessities. I've struggled with this concept for years. My parents and I would talk about what it meant. Does getting a flat-screen T.V. fall under a minimum necessity? We would agonize over this, somehow believing it was an internal thing to live by. It's not. What I mean is aparigraha is a way of ensuring everyone gets their needs met. It's the opposite of hording. It's freeing up resources. When aparigraha is not followed we end up with the inequitable distribution of wealth in the U.S.
I've been hesitant to talk about this because I don't want to offend anyone, but part of the problem is this law of attraction idea that if you think about becoming a millionaire then you will. Well, yes, you may attract all that money to you, but the idea everyone can be a billionaire is a load of phooey. Energy is unlimited but money is not. Money comes from trees, or silver, or gold, or nickel, or whatever, and that means it's finite. There is a limit to how much money can be printed. So no, everyone cannot be a billionaire. And everyone cannot be a billionaire because while someone is practically wiping their butt with money, there's someone else who's scrimping for change. That's just the way it is.
Other people far more intelligent than me have written about solutions to all this, but a great place to start on the individual level is with the notion we live in a dog-eat-dog world. We don't have to you know. We blame society but we forget we are society. We change all this. Sure, we change our policies and the like, but it's also important to change the underlying mentality. There is enough for all of us but it starts with being considerate of other people. Of noticing what's going on around us. Of compromising to ensure not only my needs get met but those of the people around me as well. I don't know about you but I'd much rather live in a dog-help-dog world.
I dream of a world where every single person gets all of their needs met. A world where there is a more equal distribution of resources. A world where we think about the people around us, which means you're thinking of someone else, but they're also thinking of you. A world where we share what we have without differentiation as we all move as one together.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
When I sat down to write this blogpost, the only phrase that came to mind was, "There is enough." There is enough time, money, energy, resources, and food. There is enough of everything. This is especially important as I'm wrapping up my life in Washington, D.C. I leave for Europe on Tuesday and when I come back I have about three weeks before I fly to California. My first impulse is to cram as much as possible into that time period, but I have to remind myself to put me first.
I think that's what a lot of what the past few months have been about, putting me first. I have a tendency to say "yes" to other people or activities without thinking about how it will affect me. I love my friends so much I want to say "yes" to every social gathering but I can't. Sometimes I need to say, "No."
I searched for ages to find an appropriate image to illustrate, “There is enough.”
On Saturday a friend texted me and asked what I was doing that night. I told him I had to rest and to pack. I so wanted to say, "Nothing! Let's hang out!" because I don't seem him often, and I wanted to make up for lost time. Also, when I was a kid, I spent many a weekend by myself, so I wanted to make up for my childhood. Because of my scarcity thinking and my past, these days I go in the other direction and want to binge on friendships and social activity. I want to say, "Yes" all the time. Reminding me there is enough of everything keeps me balanced. I don't have to worry about my friendships because they are strong enough, deep enough, _____ enough to withstand saying, "No."
Scarcity thinking is really another name for fear and I'm banishing fear from my life and my body. I'm choosing to believe there is enough of everything. That even if I don't get to see every single person I want to see and visit every single place I want to visit, that's alright. There is enough time to do it later. Some other visit. Some other trip. Some other year.
I guess what I'm saying is I'd rather trust in my creator, knowing all of my needs will be met. I'd rather strike a balance between activity and inactivity, between alone time and social time because there is enough of everything. I don't have to force anything and can instead let it flow and see what develops. I have that wish for others as well.
I dream of world where we all know there is enough of everything. A world where we share our resources to ensure that's the case. A world where we take care of each other and ourselves. A world where we say, "No," when we mean, "No," and, "Yes," when we mean, "Yes." A world where we trust all is well.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
As always, I only speak for myself, so while the title suggests I know the "real meaning of the Saturn return," I can only relay my own experience. Disclaimers yo — they're important.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Saturn return, it's when the planet reappears in the position it was in at the time of your birth, which takes roughly 27-31 years. Most people speak of it with groans and derision because it's the butt-kicking time of life. It brings about big changes and strips us of all things that no longer work. There is also speculation the Saturn return had a hand in the 27 club (aka, musicians who died at 27). Ultimately, the first Saturn return is about entering adulthood, which has been the case for me.
This is the planet responsible for so much.
It may sound silly to say that because I graduated from college years ago. I've been in the working world for nearly seven years supporting myself. Haven't I already been an adult? I thought so too. What I didn't realize is Saturn's job is to shine a light on all the dark spots of my past so I don't have to hide from the shadows. It's Saturn's job to give me perspective on my past and help me let it go so I can fully reside in my power as an adult woman.
When Saturn started to make its presence known in my astrological chart in October, I noticed all this stuff with my inner child began to surface. I realized my fears and insecurities came from my childhood. I noticed there was a lot from my childhood I had to heal.
On Friday I saw a physical therapist who specializes in integrative manual therapy, which basically means she manipulates my organs to reset them to normal. She reflected back to me I've been carrying around a ton of fear and anxiety; it's been living in my body since I was a kid. The sweet part is she gave me a process for letting it go. She suggested I meditate on a mudra (a hand gesture) that's already been a very important part of my life. This hand gesture has A LOT of significance for me, so to have someone else instruct I use it myself is the equivalent of admiring the way your favorite musician plays her guitar solo only to realize you can play her guitar solo too. (Please forgive the analogy, I am VERY tired.)
I'm so grateful for my Saturn return because it's unearthing all this buried crap I didn't know I had. It's excavating the rubble from my life so I can move forward rubble free. I also find it interesting this process of growing up, of coming into my own, is taking place in Washington, D.C., the city where I first started to transition from adolescence to adulthood. It's incredibly sweet that this last period where I'm cementing my adult self should also take place in Washington, D.C. I'm laying my demons to rest and trying to wipe my slate clean. I have no idea whether this post will mean anything to the rest of you, but I wanted to share my experience. It's shown me my life is full of bookends and even when I'm undergoing hardship and change it's for my own good.
I dream of a world where we see the good in our lives. A world where we understand deep change is for our benefit. A world where we realize we're given the opportunity to let go of all things that do not serve us. A world where we release the burdens of our past and welcome the brilliance of our future.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
Right now I’m visiting a friend in upstate New York watching the sun fade behind the trees outside his window. It’s gorgeous here – snow covering the ground, trees littering the slopes, and mountains standing in the distance. My friend LOVES where he lives. He cannot sing his town's praises any higher otherwise his voice would crack. I understand the appeal – nature mixing with civilization, liberal attitudes, and a deep love of the environment. Seeing as how I'm a gypsy right now, I'm on the lookout for my new Home. I say it with a capital “H” because Home is not only the place I live – it's where I love, where I thrive, where I feel a sense of belonging. I am not satisfied living just anywhere – I have to fall in love with the place.
This is basically what I’ve been walking around in.
I'm experiencing a wee bit of mental anguish at the moment because I don't know where I'm going next. I don't know where my next Home will be. I don't know where my heart wants to reside. For someone who likes to plan in advance, this is an uncomfortable spot to be in.
While talking with my lifecoach on Thursday, I said to him, “I'm here, now, and I'm sure when I need to make a decision about where I'm living next, the universe will make that abundantly clear.” That message has become even more clear on this trip. You see, I want to want to live in upstate New York where my friend does – it's everything I could ask for, but the sentiment isn't there. My heart didn't open when I walked down the street. I didn't feel warm and tingly when we cruised through the countryside. Every moment on the first day of my visit I asked myself, “Could I live here? Do I want to live here? Do I see myself here?” The answer was, “No.”
I'm pretty sure I'm going back to California in April because it's the only place that still has my heart (you are welcome to start singing, “I left my heart in San Francisco,” now), but I haven't booked any tickets yet. What I do believe, what I'm trusting in, is that when I'm supposed to know, I will. I'm trusting that as with all of my life, more will be revealed. The fog will lift and I'll know where to live, when to go, what to do. I'll feel it in my heart, my gut, my body. The pieces will come together and the puzzle will be solved. Until that time, I'll living here, now, and doing as Rainer Maria Rilke suggests and having patience with everything unresolved in my heart, loving the questions like locked rooms, not searching for the answers, living in the now, knowing one day I will live my way into the answers.
I dream of a world where we understand with everything in life, we'll know when we know. I dream of a world where we're OK with the questions, where we trust the answers will become clear to us in time. A world where we live in the now, not worrying about the future, because instead we're feeling at peace in the moment.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I thought about writing a really fluffy post but anxiety is roiling in my stomach like a boat sloshing around the sea so this needs to get out and it needs to be shared.
A few weeks ago I wrote, "Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know," and I meant it. I stand by the tools I mentioned and others shared. However, there are some things that bypass rationality and put me in a tailspin. Some things are so deep it doesn't help to bring out my inner warrior, or have compassion for myself, or ask what's the worst that could happen? I guess you would call these my Issues with a capital I. Maybe these are childhood wounds or what I have to work out in this life. For me, one of my issues is security in all its forms — financially, physically, emotionally. If my security is perceived to be threatened, I might as well be a rabid dog locked in a kennel because ain't no way some soothing words will calm me down.
I spoke to a lovely friend about all this and she said when she's afraid it's a part of her speaking up. Not her whole being mind you, just a little part. She also said there's a belief if she's "afraid enough" all her problems will be solved. Like if only she experienced enough fear, then everything will be OK, or it will motivate her to take some action. Then she said, "I have to remind myself fear is not my higher power, my higher power is my higher power."
This is how I sometimes visualize my higher power.
I felt instant relief when she said that because I realized I had been making fear my higher power. I was worshipping at the altar of fear believing it could be my salvation. If I felt X level of fear then I would finally feel secure. What kind of backward thinking is that? (Answer: It's not thinking, it's irrational.)
I've written about this a bajillion times but that's because I remember and then I forget. I cruise along the highway of life in my convertible with the wind blowing in my hair and then I hit a pothole that mangles the axial and my car starts to skid, so I panic and start behaving wildly when actually it would be so much better if I were calm and composed.
I have no answer about all this other than to say it's important for me to bring this to God/the universe/higher power for healing. I cannot transform this behavior on my own, I need divine help and wisdom so these days I pray about it:
My creator, I want that you should have all of me, good and bad. Please help me remember fear doesn't serve me. Please help me stay connected to you and remember what the guiding force is in my life. Please help me to trust in you and remember all is well in my world.
I dream of a world where we surrender our fears and ask for transformation instead of clutching onto them like a child with her favorite toy. I dream of a world where we ask for help when we need it, trusting it will be given to us. A world where we remember a power greater than ourselves. A world where we know when we forget, we'll eventually remember.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
I had an amazing experience this week. And by amazing I mean synchronous. It was so profound I wanted to share it with y'all. It's completely changed how I view manifesting and the law of attraction.
I'm a huge Doreen Virtue fan because she tells it like it is in a very loving way. She recently appeared on Jaden Sterling's blogtalk radio show to share some insights. One of the things she said is, "As much as you're looking for something or someone, they're looking for you too. Whether it's a soulmate or a job or a home to live in. It's all law of attraction." She recounted a story of how a few weeks ago she created an oracle card deck (kind of like a nicer, gentler version of tarot cards) that her publisher wanted on the market right away.
I love how this image is mirrored.
Typically, it takes an artist a year and a half to paint the 44 pictures needed to accompany the text of the oracle cards. Doreen needed something right away and knew exactly what she wanted. She didn't know the artist's name she just had a picture in her mind of the artwork. She went to her computer and said, "Angels, I need to find this artist but I need her to have 44 images available." Doreen found an artist immediately and sent her a personal email. The artist said she previously had jobs that were really high paying but it had all dried up and she had to work for magazines doing art she didn't enjoy. Last year she made a New Year's resolution that she would never again compromise in her artwork and say no to all jobs unless they involved her true passions. Doreen contacted the artist within 20 days of the New Year with a big job to not only license her artwork but license 44 pieces of her artwork that would give her enough money to survive.
"That's how the universe works," Doreen said.
I enjoyed this story but what really cemented it for me was something that happened later. The same day I heard this story I settled down in my living room to watch a movie that had been sitting on my coffee table for literally a month. Every time I thought about watching the movie previously my lip curled up and I said, "Meh." But that night I felt it was time. I won't tell you the movie because I don’t want to ruin the plot for anyone, but a very tiny piece of what happened is at one point a character in the movie says to another, "You've been looking for me, but for the past year I've been looking for you." I could have cried in that moment. (In fact, because it was an emotional part of the movie I'm sure I did.)
You see, for so long I've felt like I had to do all the work — I had to do all the visualizing, meditating, and searching. I had to be the one to manifest everything in my life and for the first time it occurred to me manifesting is a two-way street. I'm not alone in this. I don't have to do everything myself and I don't have to worry about missing out on anything because what I'm looking for is looking for me. I can't tell you how much relief that gives me to know my perfect living situation is also seeking me. To know the people I want to work with want to work with me. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside thinking about it.
I dream of a world where we understand what we're searching for is also searching for us. A world where we know the law of attraction and manifestation is a two-way street. A world where we don't feel quite so alone because there are other forces at work. A world where we relax and trust what we need will always come to us.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
I like to know the future and at the same time I don't like to know the future. Most people don't realize this about me but I get incredibly angry when someone tells me what will happen in my life. A button gets pushed and I want to retort, "How the hell should you know?" The funny thing is I have this response even if I've paid someone to tell me my future. Even if I'm trusting they will know, there is something deep and primal in me that growls and says, "You're wrong." And you know? I'm right.
In all the years I've spoken to psychics and intuitive readers they have never been right about anything, unless they predicted something within the next few weeks to a month. If they said, "The way you communicate will change," they were spot on. If they said, "You'll start dating someone by Valentine's Day," they were wrong. This blogpost is not to lambast psychics or intuitive readers — for some people they are amazingly accurate — instead, it's a springboard to talk about fate and free will.
If you asked me years ago I would have said I believe in a combination of fate and free will — that some things are fated but most are free will. Or certain free will choices I make launch me into a "fated" trajectory because for every action there is a reaction. After all, that's the basic law of the universe and also how I understand karma. What I'm noticing though is I believe less and less in fate and more and more in free will. My experience with future tellers demonstrates my life is unpredictable and no one knows what will happen next. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
On the one hand, I want my life to be neat and tidy, I want to follow a plan and connect the dots from one event to another. I so want my life to be fated and to feel the comfort that comes along with following a map. On the other hand, my visceral response is, "I chart my own destiny and ain't nobody gonna tell me what to do." I'm little bit of rebel in that way I guess.
How does that fit with all my talk of déjà vu and signs? How do I square all this free will stuff with the very important occurrence of déjà vu? Just last night while talking with my friends I had a flash of, "I've experienced this before." My best friend has a gorgeous explanation for déjà vu that I won't be able to do justice, but I'll do my best. He once drew a map for me of squiggly lines and detours, a veritable spider spinning its web while on crack. There was nothing orderly about it. He drew nodes, or circles, at certain points on the web and said, "Those circles are déjà vu. They're intersecting points of one path or trajectory with another. They're an option to change direction or keep going." In that context déjà vu is an important point where our life comes together.
I think about this a lot because I'm scared of "going off track." Like if I miss my train that means I won't meet a promoter who falls in love with my book and wants to spread its message to the masses. However, what I know to be true, what I wrote about for Quarterlette.com, what I've seen evidence of, is opportunity doesn't knock once, it will beat down your door. So maybe fate is like that scene from Groundhog Day where Bill Murray tries to save that old homeless man and he dies anyway — the circumstances surrounding the old man's death are different, but the outcome is always the same. Maybe there are certain events that will happen no matter what and everything else is free will. One thing is clear though, the future is not decided.
I dream of a world where we understand we can change the world, we can change the future, where nothing is set in stone. A world where we grasp our destiny by the hands and steer ourselves where we want to go. A world where we accept what we cannot avoid and work to change the rest.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
I didn’t think so many song lyrics would make their way into my blog but here they are! On Friday I dance walked to Brett Dennen’s song “Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know” and was struck by how appropriate it is right now.
Give it a listen:
The parts I love the most are, “Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know because it won’t last, your worries will pass, all your troubles they don’t stand a chance,” and, “Sometimes your path is marked in the sky, sometimes it fails to fit in between the lines.” Sing it Brett!
I am in two emotional places right now. In one, I am relieved because my worries have passed for the time being. I’m living in a huge house on the outskirts of Washington, D.C. with friends, there is no loud bass music blaring, no yippy dogs, no obnoxious neighbors, and for the first time in a long while I feel financially healthy because I’m not paying rent. Woo! Yes! Life is good! I have escaped from the bowels of hell that has been my life since August of 2011 and I’ve started taking a tincture to reset my nervous system (that’s the real miracle right there).
Brett’s other song lyric about how sometimes your path is marked in the sky and sometimes it fails to fit in between the lines is apt because, well, who would have thunk I’d be back on the East Coast? Certainly not me. I don’t plan on being here long term, but it’s certainly nice as a rest stop (ba-dum ching). The other emotional state I’m in is anxious, not so much about the future, but rather wading into things I know nothing about. If you want to see me clam up tighter than a barnacle clinging to a ship, throw something completely new at me and ask me to forge ahead. For instance, sales and marketing of my book. You want me to do what now? Please excuse me while I flap my arms around and hyperventilate. Brett is asking me to not fear what I don’t really know. My amazing life coach also reminded me of some tools to use when my inner barnacle makes an appearance:
- Bring out the warrior in me to activate my courageous side
- Remember everything is an expression of an infinite loving consciousness, and thus I don’t need to attach to any outcomes. Let go and let God, as it were.
- Have compassion for myself. Honor my feelings, acknowledge I’m scared, and let myself know it’s OK.
- Ask for divine presence, whether that’s angels, God, a mysterious force, a feeling, whatever, to help me feel I’m not so alone
- Contemplate, “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I feel better already! I don’t need to fear the unknown because I have a toolkit to help with it all. And maybe you have a few tools to add. Let me know in the comments.
I dream of a world where we are in the ease and flow of life. A world where we dismantle our fears in a healthy, loving way. A world where we express joy and recognize our worries will pass, our troubles don’t stand a chance. A world where we don’t fear what we don’t really know.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I am very self-willful (some would say controlling) in that I want things to go a certain way. I want people to call me back when I want them to; I want the world to revolve around my needs. Train delays? Miscommunication? No good.
Thankfully, I no longer stay in my controlling state for long because I recognize the futility of it. Instead, I've allowed myself to surrender to the process. To give up my tight grip and accept life on life's terms.
Many of you know I'm currently in Washington, D.C. for a spell (three months or so). The reason I'm here is because if I'd continued with my way of life in San Francisco I would have had a nervous breakdown. I don't mean the tie-me-up-in-a-strait-jacket kind of nervous breakdown, I mean the my-nervous-system-is-so-shot-I-can-barely-function kind.
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| I aspire to be like this guy. |
It's only been a short time since I left SF but I can already feel the difference — I'm not in as much fear, I don't startle as easily, and I'm becoming more tolerant of noises. (More being the operative word here.)
I'm not sure what I want to express in this post except that it's important to let go of our wants sometimes in order to receive what we need. It would be very easy for me to lament I no longer live in San Francisco, to continue to compare my life here with the one I left behind, but then I miss out on all the good D.C. has to offer. The more I compare, the more I resist the flow of life. And the flow of life is taking me to good places. For one, I am incredibly blessed that my friends have made it easy to come back to the East Coast. It's been a smooth transition in that whenever I go to parties a whole roomful of people are excited to see me, and there's nothing sweeter than that.
There are so many benefits to being here for now, it's important for me to stay here now, meaning live where my feet are. I have no idea what the next few months will bring (I never do) but I find especially in uncertain times I need to surrender to the process. To give myself over to the divine mystery and accept there are forces at work that I don't fully understand. I don't have to have all the answers. I don't have to plan the minutia of my life. I only have to let go of my will to see all the options before me.
I dream of a world where we let go. A world where we give into the process of life. A world where we accept we don't always know what's best for us. A world where we take life as it comes and trust it will take us where we need to go next.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
Every so often I notice my blogposts take on a certain theme; they'll build off of each other. Lately I've been talking about self-care and treating myself the way I treat others. While listening to an interview with Christine Arylo I realized all of these separate pieces come under the umbrella of self-love. See, I used to think self-love meant looking in the mirror and saying, "I love you." But I have to tell you, even after years of doing so I haven't noticed much difference. I mean, there are some subtle changes in how I view myself but I still don't feel as if I love myself fully. When I heard Christine's interview the penny finally dropped.
Christine says self-love is about more than affirmations. In fact, there are 10 branches of self-love: self-acceptance, self-care, self-trust, self-awareness, self-compassion and forgiveness, self-empowerment, self-honor and respect, self-esteem, self-expression, and self-pleasure. Like branches of a tree, these parts of self-love feed into self-worth, the root of self-love. Here, I'll show you a nifty picture she drew:
After hearing all of this, it made sense why I've felt as if I'm missing something. My self-esteem, self-awareness, and self-expression branches have been massive. Believing I can accomplish anything I set my mind to? Check. Having knowledge of who I am and what I'm good at? Check. Self-expressive? Double check. The others though? Not so much. I can't really profess that I love myself until I take equal care of all those self-love branches.
Why am I dithering on about self-love? I operate under the belief the outside world is a reflection of my internal one. The more I love myself the more loving people show up in my life. The more I take care of myself the more I can take care of others. Self-love may seem selfish (and Christine addresses that in her book Madly in Love with Me) but honestly, how on Earth are we supposed to love other people if we don't even know what it means to love ourselves? How can I show up for other people if I can't fully show up for myself?
This topic of self-love has become so important to me in the past few years because as I get older I realize no one will be able to love me the way I want to be loved. The amount of love I want is infinite and no finite human being will be able to give that to me. I'm not even sure I can give that to me but I'm much more suited to it than anyone else. Also, I have to be honest here — people drift in and out of my life. No one is with me all the time except for me, so really, the only love I can depend on 100% of the time is the love I have for myself and the love the universe has for me. And really, why would I want to put such an essential and basic human need solely in the hands of someone else? I'd much rather balance loving myself and having others love me. I can't get all the love I need from other people nor can I get all the love I need from myself.
If this blogpost sounds like a ringing endorsement of Christine's book, it is. She has practical tips and activities for how we can love ourselves more. I enjoy how in depth her book is because the stuff I've been doing only works to a degree. I don't want a degree, I want the whole shebang. So in reference to the title of this post, what's love got to do with it? Everything.
I dream of a world where we all love ourselves fully. A world where we understand to love ourselves is to love others. A world where we fill up our self-love cup and allow it to run over. A world where we water every branch of the self-love tree. A world where we show up for ourselves because we deserve it.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.