I’ve been such a social butterfly lately – flitting from one outing to the next – that when I finally do get a moment alone, when I do get a chance to sit and be with me, I feel lonely. I feel like I want to pick up the phone and call someone and have them come over even though it’s 10:30 at night. Or I’ll want to immerse myself in reading, watching t.v., browsing the internet. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, or the occasional escapism. What I’m saying though is when it comes to a point where I feel uncomfortable sitting alone in my apartment, that’s a problem.
I don’t feel this way all the time, just sometimes. I love and approve and accept myself but sometimes, when I’m home alone on a Friday night (by my own choice I should add), I feel lonely. The place where I’m coming to is I realize being in the presence of other people won’t solve the problem; it will only mask it for a while. Just like I cannot depend on others to “make” me happy nor do I believe other people can “take away” my loneliness, anymore than they could take away fear or sadness. It’s liberating and also obnoxious to realize I feel what I want to feel. That includes loneliness.
In this moment I feel lonely because I’m choosing to feel lonely. In this moment I’m choosing to lament my single-girl status, my Friday night solitude. In point of fact there are many loved ones in my life. In truth I have plans from now until mid-August. I’m not saying this to brag about how popular I am, but to illustrate how it’s all a matter of perspective. I can choose to continue feeling lonely or I can embrace the times I’m alone. I can choose to feel empty because there’s no one for me to turn to and say, “Sometimes Isla Fisher looks like Alicia Silverstone,” or I can rejoice in this period of rejuvenation. In this blessed time where I get to be with just me, where I get to worry about me alone, where I get to take care of myself without worrying about anyone else. What a gift! What a blessing! I can choose to thank the universe for this period all to myself where I get to be with just me or not.
The truth is I am always connected to the Divine source, even when I feel like I’m not. The truth is God surrounds me at all times and also resides within me. It’s up to me to remember that.
I’m also reminded of one of my favorite quotes by Shrii Shrii Anandamurti, the founder of the yoga and meditation group I’m a part of:
“Whatever the reason for this vast universe, as long as this universe continues to exist, I am here to love you. The force that guides the stars guides you too: here, into my loving embrace. I am yours.”
When I consider that how can I possibly feel lonely? When I consider the force that created all of existence guides me, loves me, showers me with grace, why would I choose to feel disconnected from it all?
I say right here in this moment I choose to feel gratitude for having this opportunity to nourish myself. I feel grateful I can be alone with me and do the things I wish to do. I choose to recognize loneliness, like the many other emotions I experience, is my choice. That I can choose to feel lonely or not. I say I’d rather feel full and content and complete as I am in this moment. That I’d rather recognize I am surrounded by God’s love at all times. That God’s love pervades me at every moment.
I dream of a world where people recognize they are in charge of their minds. Where they realize it’s ok to feel all their emotions, even the less-than-pleasurable ones. Where they embrace all their feelings and allow themselves to enjoy the full spectrum. Where they recognize even when they’re in solitude they are still steeped in God’s love.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This weekend I got to talking about astrology with a friend of mine. He’s really into it so I asked him to pull up my birth chart. (For those of you who don’t know astrology is more than your horoscope. It’s complex and involves your birthday, birth time and location.) Anyway, he pulled it up and told me some things that really irked me, that really got under my skin.
I have to admit here I love astrology. I used to say things like, “Oooh, you’ll get along famously because you’re a Taurus and she’s a Cancer. That’s a really good combination.” I used to be all about the Sun squaring Mercury and Venus conjucting his moon or whatever. After my conversation with my friend though, I realized there has been a contradiction in my beliefs. How can I truly think anything is possible (and probable) if I’m operating under the notion the stars exert influence on me? That my life is destined to go a certain way because of my birth date? (I realize some of you may think astrology is bull hockey but just substitute astrology for “personality trait” or “upbringing” or “background” or whatever fits for you.)
What I’m saying is I think we were all born into this world with something. I’m not in John Locke’s tabula rasa camp. I think we all came into this world with innate tendencies, certain characteristics, karma, if you will, to rise above. But that’s the point: we can rise above anything. It may say in my astrological chart that I burn through money but that’s not the way my life always has to be. It’s something for me to take note of, to watch out for but that I can change. I can change anything. My mind is more powerful than I know and the thoughts I project into this universe come back to me. If I think I will always be poor, I will be. If I think I will be rich, I will be. There is of course action that is also required. If my chart says I’ll be wealthy that doesn’t mean it will happen if I sit on my tush all day and wait for money to fall from the sky. (Although since I’m allowing for all possibilities I have to say this may happen to some people.)
What I’m saying is I think there is an element of destiny in everyone’s life. There are certain things that must happen due to actions we set in motion, either in this life or a previous one. It’s a law of nature that for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. It may be my destiny to get in a car accident but that accident may be a fender bender, crunching up the hood, or a crash replete with flips and crushed metal and broken glass. The severity of things can change. And how I react to situations is up to me. I can say, “Dear Lord, thank you for keeping me safe, for softening the blow of this accident, for taking care of me always,” or “Why are you doing this to me?!? I hate you!!! Everything sucks!!!” Life is what you make it.
There are certain things that must happen but there is still an element of free will. My thoughts still have an effect. My actions still mean something. Just because I came into the world with something doesn’t mean it has to stay with me. I guess I’m saying destiny can change, fate can be altered. The future isn’t set in stone. Astrologically I may be suited for a job as an engineer but if in my heart I want to be a ballerina I can be. I can be anything, I can do anything, I can have anything with God’s grace. There are no limitations. No matter what the stars say, no matter what personality traits we may have, no matter what our upbringing, we can do anything, we can change anything. I’m reminded of an affirmation I posted in April because I think it’s pertinent:
“In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete, and yet life is ever changing. There is no beginning and no end, only a constant cycling and recycling of substance and experiences. Life is never stuck or static or stale, for each moment is ever new and fresh. I am one with the very Power that created me, and this Power has given me the power to create my own circumstances. I rejoice in the knowledge that I have the power of my own mind to use in any way I choose. Every moment of life is a new beginning point as we move from the old. This moment is a new point of beginning for me right here and right now. All is well in my world.” – Louise L. Hay
I can change, you can change, we can change. We are all powerful beyond measure. We were given certain circumstances, certain characteristics in this life to work through, to work on, but life is what we make it. I choose to live life the way I want. And I have that wish for others.
I dream of a world where we rise above our circumstances, where we veer off the roadmap given to us at birth and make our own way. I dream of a world where we decide what we want in life and then go after it, knowing anything is possible. I dream of a world filled with joy and love and grace. A world where we account for free will and the power of choice. A world where we understand things can change, do change, will change. A world where we recognize the power of our minds and the part we play in our life. A world where we know we can manifest anything and we can change ourselves and our relationships. A world where we know the power is within us at all times.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
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