This week Shakespeare’s quote, “All the world’s a stage/And all the men and women merely players,” finally made sense to me. I really got my whole life is one big drama. In Sanskrit there’s a word liila, which means “the divine play” and it’s used in conjunction with God. As in, “My whole life is God’s liila or divine play.”
Sometimes when people tell me their stories I over identify. I see so much of myself in them or their situation I start to think my life will turn out the same way theirs did. Like if they started dating a really close friend and it ended up being the most toxic relationship of their life, I start to think the same will be true for me. That’s just an example but it applies to various situations.
For a really long time I’ve wanted a roadmap for my life. Or at the very least to follow someone else’s pattern. Ideally someone would say to me, “Ok Rebekah, this is what you should do if you want a happy and successful life. Here are the actions you should take from now until the end of your days.” That may sound silly, but really I’ve wanted my life to be a math equation. I’ve wanted to know if I follow what other people have done I’ll get their results. In some ways I’ve wanted to live everyone else’s life except my own. I’ve wanted my life to follow a neat and ordered pattern because of fear. Because what will happen to me if it doesn’t follow that pattern? What will my life look like then?
I think this plays into the fear of the unknown and how we tend to choose the devil we know versus the devil we don’t. Because there’s the always the chance the unknown will be worse. And so I want to know. Want to know if I do exactly what Mary Jane did I’ll get exactly the same results. I want to follow in the footsteps of those who have come before me, something our culture lauds, but at the same time it’s a very narrow viewpoint.
The thing is life is not a math equation. Or at least it’s not as simple as 2+2 = 4. Just because someone I know met their best friend through a meetup group doesn’t mean the same thing will happen to me. We are each unique individuals with our own samscaras (karmic reactions). There are always extenuating circumstances.
I guess I’m saying lately I’m shifting the microscope from examining other people to examining myself. I’m starting to recognize what happens to other people will not necessarily happen to me. I have my own story. I have my own path, my own way and I cannot follow anyone else or assume the reactions to their actions will be the same as mine. We are not the same people.
At some point it’s time to take into account the magical world we live in, filled with infinite possibilities. A world where 2+2 = a banana. A world where I can wake up 20 minutes late and still get to work on time. A world where I can run into my best friend on the street.
This is me recognizing just because Joe Schmo cheated on Sally Jane when he studied abroad in
I dream of a world where we allow for all possibilities. A world where we recognize life is magical and anything can happen. A world where we live our own lives knowing every situation is unique. A world where we release our need to control and instead live in the moment. A world where we understand life is complex and varied and that’s what makes it so awesome.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This week the only thing I can talk about is surrender. I know I’ve written about surrender many times before but this week is the first time I think I really got it.
In the past when I spoke of surrender it was usually in the context of a last-ditch effort. As in, “Well, nothing else has worked, so I’ll give this surrender thing a shot.” In the past I’ve been willing to surrender certain things but not others. It’s as if I said to the Universe, “I’ll surrender the job piece but the relationship part? I’ve got it covered.” Some things felt too important to give up, to release control of. Because if I gave up control that means it wouldn’t come true! How could I trust anyone other than me with something so precious?!? (But I’ve also learned this is not the case and invariably my dreams are ant-sized compared to what God has in store for me.)
So I’ve been approaching surrender in a piecemeal way and usually surrendering because I made myself so crazy I couldn’t do anything else. Surrender in some ways became synonymous with giving up. “Lord, I can’t take this anymore so I’m just giving it to you.” It’s only when I reached my breaking point that I would let go. I had been surrendering out of frustration.
This week I took a step beyond that. Now I’m surrendering not because I’m frustrated or have reached a breaking point or I’m expecting the Lord to handle things but because I want peace. I don’t know how everyone else’s mind works but I know for me when I’m not surrendering it’s like a giant game of Risk. “If I do this, then this will happen.” My mind becomes a whirlwind of ceaseless chatter and strategizing. I get incredibly controlling and obsessive because my mind keeps circling on the same things over and over again. This week I’m surrendering because I want the chatter to end. I want to feel at peace. I’m turning my will and my life over to the care of God because I’d rather live in a state of peace and serenity than manipulation and noise.
Now that I’m letting go of more my ego is flipping out. The ego, my “me-ness” is all about control and fear and manipulation. My ego is all about separation and division so when I start talking about all being love and seeing the interconnectedness of all things my ego starts to rebel. Because it knows it’s about to be obliterated. My ego knows it’s about to die so it’s freaking out. I liken true surrender to a salt doll melting in the ocean. Once it’s melted, the doll no longer exists. Once I’m completely surrendered to the universal energy that runs through all things “I” don’t really exist because everything is me and I am everything. My ego knows this about surrender and starts struggling for survival. Fear raises its ugly head.
As I contemplated this last night, contemplated my fear of losing my sense of self I realized several things. One, just because I surrender completely and totally, meaning I give my entire self to God and not just certain things and situations, it’s not like my life ends. I mean, maybe I’ll leave my physical body the very next moment but more likely when I wake up tomorrow I’ll still be here. I’ll still have to go to work. I’ll still have to intake air and food and water. In all likelihood my exterior life won’t look much different. And I still have a purpose on this earth, a mission to fulfill, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. My life will continue on. The only difference is my mind. And that’s the second realization I came to.
I realized by surrendering the only thing I’m really giving up is the constant chatter in my head, my crazy scheming/planning/manipulations and my fear. I’m giving up the things I don’t enjoy anyway. I’m giving up the things that drive me to my higher power in the first place. Surrendering completely is the death of my ego but it’s not the death of me. It’s more like finally meeting the person I always knew existed inside. It’s more like letting the all-pervasive love flow through me. And in this state I feel such grace, a grace and peace I dream of for others as well.
I dream of a world where we give our higher power the reigns in our lives. A world where we choose to swim in the ocean of love knowing all is well and all is God. A world where we surrender our entire selves knowing when we do so we’ll experience utmost peace and serenity. A world where we let our bright inner lights shine unobstructed. A world where we surrender to the cosmic consciousness knowing it spells not the end for us but merely the beginning.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I can say unequivocally my entire life I’ve had the fear I would be overpowered. I’ve been afraid someone would come in and overwhelm me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. During the holidays I had a major breakthrough and it’s a fear I carry no more.
I’ve written before about looking fear in the face and seeing that perhaps our greatest fears are not as horrible as we’ve imagined. During the holidays I came to several realizations beyond that.
One, I realized I’ve already lived through all my greatest fears. Not having a job or a place to live? Check. Hello 2008. Losing someone I’ve loved? Triple check. The thing is I went through my greatest fears and lived to tell the tale. I realize I’ve been using fear as a way to protect myself because somehow I thought feeling afraid would keep me safe, or keep things from happening. As if being scared a snake will bite me will keep it from happening. (Um, it won’t.)
Obviously this past year I’ve come to realize the power of my mind. How the thoughts I think have an effect. I’ve come to realize I am a co-creator in my life. So recognizing that, I know I can create for myself a world where people are out to get me, where I’ll be overpowered, where others will harm me, or not. I can create for myself a world where I’m terrified (and quite possibly attract what I’m most scared of), or I can create something else. I can choose to believe I am safe, secure and protected. I can choose to believe I am divinely guided at each and every moment. I can choose to believe I can get through anything. And I already have.
Tapping along with this EFT video I started to believe and affirm for myself I can handle life. That there is nothing for me to be afraid of because even if I get bitten by a snake I’ll deal with it then. What’s the use of feeling afraid now? During the holidays I reminded myself I am fully capable of dealing with anything and everything so I don’t have to feel afraid. Instead I can walk around feeling calm and confident, taking life on life’s terms. Releasing my fear is pretty much a culmination of everything I’ve been talking about for the past year: releasing my need for control, trusting in a power greater than myself, co-creating my own reality, being present and in the moment. It all came together between Christmas and New Year’s.
The big breakthrough though occurred when I went to a yoga and meditation retreat in
Lastly, I finally understood love is all there is. That underneath my currents of fear, sadness, anger, etc., is a river of love. I realized my ego constructs all my other emotions and they act as an overlay for the love beneath. My ego masks the ever-present pure love surrounding me. I realized I am in the divine flow and in the divine flow there can be no harm, only love. Love is all there is.
And so I dream of a world where we release all that is unlike love in our minds and our bodies. A world where we deeply and completely love and approve and accept ourselves. A world where we release our need for fear because instead we recognize we are love. I dream of a world where we swim in the divine current, letting ourselves be carried, knowing we can handle life. A world where we feel the all-pervasive love surrounding us. A world where we return to love letting our fears wash away like the ocean smoothing out a beach.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Today I’m feeling stressed about the Non-Violent Communication Workshop I’m organizing (if you’re in the Bay Area I’d love to see you there!). I took on this task on top of all the other things I’m doing and I’m obsessing because I still don’t have a venue.
On Wednesday I overheard a great quote. The woman spoke about her life in Alcoholics Anonymous and how her sponsor said to her, “Do you think you get yourself sober?” When I heard that something clicked into place for me. It reminded me that what happens in my life is not because I made it happen or figured it out. What happens in my life is by the grace of God. Everything is a gift to me. I’m not saying I now have a license to sit on my tush all day and eat cookies, but it takes the outcome of things out of my hands. I still do the footwork, I still have to call places and leave messages and ask for help but ultimately I’M NOT IN CHARGE. Ultimately I do not decide where the venue for this seminar will be. Or how many people will show up. Or what will happen to me in the next 10 minutes. There is a power far greater than myself that runs the show. Why do I even pretend otherwise?
The reason I bring this up is because this stress? This drama in my life? It’s completely self-induced. It’s completely my own mind stirring up a hornet’s nest. The truth is whatever happens, happens and there’s nothing I can do about it. The sooner I learn that, the better. But I also know I can cope with anything. And I know I have power over my mind and my actions. I know I can choose to make my life light and easy and joyful. That I can choose to not stress myself out over the small things. I am doing the best I can in this very moment and the rest is up to God. I can surrender my drama to a higher power. I can let events/situations move past me like a river flowing around rocks. I can relax and release and surrender.
I dream of a world where when we get wound up we wind ourselves back down. A world where we recognize the power of our minds to solve anything. A world where we do not get stressed out because we are fully surrendered in each and every moment. A world where we know and believe and act as if a power greater than ourselves is in charge. And instead of feeling scared by the prospect we rejoice because that means we can live footloose and fancy free. I dream of a world where life is light and easy and joyful. A world where we change our perspective on things so we can truly live joyfully at all times.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I’ve been dancing around the topic of surrender since I first started this blog because it revolves around the issues of planning, control, trust and fear. Basically everything.
“But what is the best way to surrender? Prayer? Asking God for this and for that? There the responsibility for what you ask is yours – you might ask for something very inferior, although you approach the All-Powerful for it. The best prayer is, therefore, ‘Oh Lord! Do whatever you think fit and best for me. I do not know in which way lies my good – You know.” – Shrii Shrii Anandamurti
When I think of surrender I think of letting go. The phrase “letting go and letting God” comes to mind. I have had many conversations with my father where I’m blubbering on the phone about how stressed I am or how I want something or how I’m extremely frustrated, something like that. He’ll say to me, “Rebekah. Unclench your first. Soften. Soften.” I HATE it when he says that to me but undoubtedly he’s right. I’m holding onto something too tightly. I’m gnawing on an idea or situation like a dog with a bone. I’m clenching so tightly nothing can flow or move. Certainly not what I want to happen anyway. So surrender to me is loosening my grasp on whatever it is that gives me trouble.
In the past I’ve used the imagery of dandelion seeds blowing out of my hand and being carried by the wind. That imagery works for me but so do some other things.
When I’m holding tightly I say, “God, I just want what’s best for me. You know what that is. I want to align my will with your will and to know your plan for me. I give it to you and put it in your hands.” Some other methods I have for surrender are writing down everything associated with the event/person/idea, every thought I have, and then ripping up the piece of paper and burning it. Or flushing it down the toilet. The point is I’m getting rid of it, I’m letting go, I’m surrendering in a physical way. Some people do this same sort of thing with a box, called a God box. Another method I have is to get on my knees and imagine a lotus flower in my hands. I close my eyes and let a color spring to mind and offer it to God by placing it on the floor before me. I do this four times and on the fourth the flower is white because white is the color that encompasses all colors. It is the color of surrender and acceptance. I fall completely to the floor and prostrate myself before God in an act of humility and surrender.
Why surrender in the first place? Threads of this run through my blog – God has sweeter plans for us in mind, things are easier, etc. Mostly though I surrender and want to surrender because then it’s no longer in my head. It’s no longer something I’m worried about or obsessing over and I get peace of mind. I feel tranquil and calm. I feel better, easier, and yes, softer. I feel carried by a force greater than me and I can relax. I can sink into the feather bed my creator put before me and let someone else take over for a while. I get to nap instead.
Surrender is something I’ll have to do over and over again I’m sure. It’s not like I can surrender once and boom, that’s it. It doesn’t work that way because there will always be new situations, new people, new things. But what I hope is I will surrender faster and faster. Instead of waiting for my idea to fester, I want to surrender when it’s a mere scratch on my skin as opposed to a deep wound. I want to let go of it more quickly. And I trust pretty soon it will get to the point where I’m surrendered all the time. Where I’m dancing in the divine rhythm and surrendered at each and every moment.
I dream of a world where we give up our own notions and instead attune ourselves to God’s. A world where we say, “I do not know what’s best for me. You do. I give it to you.” A world where things are easy and filled with grace. Where we let go of the ideas that keep us fettered to our own minds. A world where we let go of the idea we know what’s best for us and instead turn to something bigger than ourselves. A world where we move in the divine flow and paddle with the current as opposed to against it. A world where surrender comes naturally and we live it day by day, moment by moment. A world where we sync up our lives with what God has in store for us and understand God’s plan is always better. A world where letting go is a good thing, a great thing, a God thing.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
What’s coming up for me this week is patience and timing. I feel like I finally know and understand that virtue. I realize things happen on God’s timeline and there’s nothing I can do about it.
There are some things in life I really, really want. In the past I’ve taken steps to attain those goals and felt impatience/frustrated when I didn’t get what I wanted the very minute I wanted it.
When I moved to
I see how God has a timeline and it more than likely does not match up with mine. I mean, really, I joined a temp agency and didn’t get a stitch of work. Not a single job. I just have to laugh because clearly it all happened when God deemed fit.
It’s a lesson I’m applying to my current situation as well. I really want to be in a relationship. I really want a companion in my life. I get out a lot, I know tons of people, I’m on a dating website, but it’s not happening. I’m doing everything a person can possibly do but it’s not manifesting. Here’s the thing. It’s not up to me. Not really. The timing has to be right, not just for me but also for whomever I’m going to end up with. My life is clearly guided by a force greater than myself, a force that knows what’s in my best interest and that’s something I’m learning to accept.
I guess what I’m saying is I finally accept there are some things (many things) I do not control. Many things, like timing, are out of my hands. I can finally accept that. And in my book acceptance is a synonym for patience. I accept I’ll be in a relationship when God deems it time; I accept I’ll get to the front of the line at the bank when I do; I accept the bus will come when it does. When I accept what life is I feel patient. I can either beat my head against the wall in frustration or I can enjoy what’s before me. (This is where being present comes in.)
I choose to accept my life as it is, to feel content with what’s before me. I choose to enjoy my situation, feel satisfied with the present moment, and know everything has a timeline and will eventually blossom. I choose to savor every drop of my life because this moment is all I have. I know some things take a while and I’m finally willing to wait.
I dream of a world where we realize change can happen at any moment, every moment, not just externally but internally as well. A world where we recognize things happen according to God’s timeline and in the meanwhile the best we can do is enjoy what is. I dream of a world where each person is filled with ease and patience and joy. A world that caters to our best interest as opposed to instant gratification. A world where patience is valued, where we’re willing to wait for what we want. A world where we are present and content and happy.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I know I’ve written about this before but I’m human so sometimes it takes me a while to learn my lessons. Some may even say it’s a lifelong process. . .
Anyway, this year I made the New Year’s Resolution to be more present and stay in the moment. I feel like the Universe is conspiring to grant that wish.
About a month ago a bunch of my coworkers were laid off, meaning their work was turned over to me. My first response was, “Ack! There is so much to do! How am I going to finish all of this?!?” And then I started “future-tripping” or dwelling on what’s coming next, future conversations, events, etc. But my creator knows what I need and want before I know I need or want it, so all these situations are coming up to force me to stay present.
I guess I wanted to express why I like staying in the moment, why I think being present is a great practice. For me, when I stay present I feel serene and calm. I feel at peace and like I don’t have to worry about anything because I’m taking care of what’s in front of me as opposed to what’s ahead of me. I mean, I’m not sitting on my tush twirling my hair all day, I am working, I am taking steps to accomplish what’s before me but instead of freaking out about it I’m adopting the mindset of, “I’ll finish what I finish. And if I can’t meet all my deadlines, well, I can’t, and the world won’t stop spinning.” I say that and I feel so much ease. I feel the anxious knot in my stomach unclench.
Beyond easing anxiety, when I’m present I feel myself steeped in divinity. It seems easier to believe all that surrounds me is God. Right now the smell of Chinese food is wafting through my window while my curtain flutters in the breeze. Instead of wrinkling my nose or decrying the audacity of the smell to enter my abode, I can enjoy it. I can say hmmmmmm, smell’s like God. Hmmm, look at all the beauty before me. Hmmmm, look at what God has created. I can enjoy it.
When I spiral out into the future it never ends. There’s always something next, there’s a constant queue of, “This is due tomorrow and I need to contact her and her and then that’s due on Monday and oh yeah I have to do laundry and go grocery shopping and then I need to mail that package and write that check and. . .” it just doesn’t stop. When I future-trip I don’t enjoy anything! I miss out on my life and what’s happening. I can’t relax or feel easy or at peace. Who wants to live in that state? Certainly not me.
And because I believe in providing solutions, I’ll share what works for me. Besides really noticing my senses (what am I smelling? What am I touching? What does it feel like?), dancing brings me to the present because it’s just me and the music. I’m swaying my body in time with the melody and for those three minutes that’s all there is.
What also works for me is gratitude. Feeling grateful for what I do have instead of lamenting what I don’t brings me to the here and now. Breathing deeply also helps. (Isn’t that the cure for everything??) Imagery also takes me there. Imagining myself clenching dandelion seeds and then opening my fist to allow them to be carried away in the wind lets me surrender and stay in the moment. Lastly, affirmations have been working for me. Saying, “I live in the moment and take things as they come one day at a time,” or “I surrender to my higher power and let go of my desire to control.” For me future-tripping and control go hand in hand.
I dream of a world where we all stay present. Where we enjoy what’s before us and stop worrying about what comes next. I dream of a world where we feel anchored to the Earth and recognize the divinity in everyone and everything. Where we love our surroundings, live in our surroundings and stay in our surroundings. Where we notice what we’re seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching. Where we live in our bodies instead of our heads. Where we feel joy and peace and ease and serenity. Where we live life to the fullest and savor each mouth-watering drop.
Mostly I dream of a world where we smile at one another, where we spread love like handfuls of birdseed. Where every person feels safe and content and whole. Where each person sees challenges and obstacles before them and deciphers the message God is sending. Where living in the moment means not over-thinking things. Where we do and say and express and feel freely. I want to live in a world where worries float by like white puffy clouds in the sky. Where I stay present because this moment is all I have.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Keeping the faith is hard work.
When things don’t work out the way I want them to I start railing against the Universe: “Why are you putting me through this?? I hate you for doing this to me! Why can’t it happen the way I want?!?” etc. I get angry and pissed off and feel like screaming. Basically I turn into a petulant child.
It’s funny though because I’m getting upset things aren’t working out the way I want them to. Little ole me really thinks I know what’s best for my life as opposed to the force responsible for life and death? As opposed to the force that causes the world to spin? As opposed to the force that causes flowers to bloom and the sun to shine? Really? Really?
I think of something a friend said to me recently. She said every moment of anger/sadness/frustration is a love poem from our creator and it’s up to us to decipher it. I see how my frustration boils down to a lack of patience. How I want things to happen NOW, this instant. But some things cannot happen now. Some things take time. I see how my creator is trying to cultivate patience in me and unshakable faith.
And if I really think about it I’ve been shown time and again what’s best for me happens. I’ve been shown time and again my wildest dreams are ant-sized compared to what my creator has in store for me. But I’m human so keeping the faith is hard. I have a tendency to doubt.
For now I keep dusting myself off when I stumble on my path toward steadfast faith. For now I keep picking myself up and I keep going forward because I know where I want to be. And this? This is not it.
I want to be in a place where my faith does not waver. I want to be in a place of constant trust and surrender. I want to be in a place where I have no doubt my creator is taking care of me. Where frustration does not exist because rather I savor what’s in front of me. Where I understand things take time and I may have to wait a little bit. Where I am ok with the questions and the ambiguity because I have hope and faith things will be turn out and they will be glorious. Where I trust even the crappy hard things are in my best interest.
And I have that wish for others.
I dream of a world where we all turn our frustration into something positive. A world where we have patience. A world where we understand everything is in our best interest. I dream of a world where trust and faith reign supreme. Where we all truly believe the universe is taking care of us. Where we open ourselves up and surrender to the divine will. Where we allow ourselves to be carried like sailboats on the water because we know there is a force greater than ourselves guiding the way.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
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