I know I already wrote a post about this but since it’s coming up for me again I decided to revisit it.
Lately I’m finding it hard to trust in God/the Universe/My Creator. Lately I find it hard to trust in an amorphous thing I can’t put my finger on. I find it hard to trust because as I mentioned in my previous entry, there are certain things I want so badly I’m worried if I let go, if I open my fist, if I give up the illusion of control, somehow they won’t come true. Somehow my dreams will be lost in the ether never to be realized.
I worry by trusting in a power greater than myself, by giving up my “control” I won’t get what I want.
And yet that’s not the case.
Last night I went to a Catholic Mass with some friends. The priest? pastor? said many things but one of his lines was to trust in God. To trust in God’s plan for us.
As I reflect on my life I see how it has all worked out in my best interest. God has my back, if you will. And not just my back but everyone’s back. I’m not alone in this or special or something. I bet if each and every one of us really examined our lives we would see how even our worst hell taught us something. How we needed to go through hell so X could happen.
I see how even when I wanted something so desperately, like to go to Northwestern University, it’s actually better I didn’t. I see how God knows what’s best for me even before I do. I see how God also has my best interest in mind. I see how I’m guided and pushed and pulled in a certain direction and even though I often feel like there’s a blindfold over my eyes, I never trip over tree stumps. I never end up with a bloody nose. Why? Because God loves me. And you. And everyone.
I also keep circling around something the famous Heather said: “Your dreams are ant-sized compared to what your creator has in store for you.”
So far she’s been right. I never in a million years would have told you this would be my life. I never would have guessed I would live in California or travel so much or experience the things I have. If I had it my way I would have lived in Maryland with two cats and a white picket fence by now. I see how God’s plan for me is so much sweeter, so my grander and so much greater than my own.
Even though I’m having trouble trusting as of late, I also see how I have no reason to doubt God. I have never been led astray.
I envision a world where I and others like me can trust in the Universe. Where we let go our need to control and instead let God lead our little life raft. I envision a world where we trust what happens to us is for our own good and stop trying to micromanage our lives. I envision a world where we try to align our will with God’s will and realize our utmost potential. I envision a world where all people strive for their dreams and never settle because it’s a “safe bet.” I envision a world where we not only trust but we know we’ll be taken care of no matter what. Where we open our arms and lift our hands up to the sky and proclaim, “You know what’s best for me. I trust in you.” Where we realize God’s plan for us is better than our own.
I know not only is another world possible, it’s probable.
Lately I’ve been thinking about control — how I like to be in control, how my life feels like it’s out of control, how I wish I could control others. And then as I walked home with the sun caressing my face it hit me. My need for control isn’t really about control, it’s about trust. It’s about me not trusting in God’s plan for me. It’s about me not trusting what’s in my best interest will happen. It’s about my lack of faith. It’s the belief in order for my life to be the way I want it to be I need to control not only myself but everything and everyone around me. The truth is I can’t control anything. By trying to do so I only create frustration for myself and others. By trying to do so I basically beat my head against the wall for fun.
It’s hard though. It’s hard to give up that need to control. It’s hard to surrender, to trust in something else. And yet as I write this shadows dance across my computer screen. The wind blows outside and the wind chimes tinkle. How could I possibly think I know better than the force that created everything that is in existence? How could I possibly think my little human brain could comprehend what is best for me and everyone around me?
It’s so hard to trust but when I look at the evidence it seems silly not to trust in a power greater than myself. When I really examine my life I see I am completely taken care of. I see how I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I reflect on how I moved to the Bay area without a plan and it’s all been ok. I’ve been here for a full six months without a job and I’ve survived. More than survived, I’ve thrived. Yes, I’ve moved roughly eight times, but I have ALWAYS had somewhere to stay. Whenever I needed money it came, either from housesitting or freelancing or a refund check from the government. I notice when I do let go, when I do trust and give up my need for control how much easier my life is. How full it becomes, how expansive, how joyful. It’s hard to give up that control and learn to trust but it’s worth it. It’s worth an easier life, a freer life, a more joyful life.
So it is my firm belief not only is another world possible, it’s probable.
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