The post I wrote last week about chasing likes made me question everything else in my life. Where am I headed? What is it I hold dear, and what, exactly is the goal of my life? Up until this week, I would say I’ve had a foot each on two different horses. One horse is headed toward self-realization and service to humanity. The other horse is headed toward name and fame, wealth, love, and making money doing what I love.
When I realized accolades and accomplishments don’t have any lasting effect, that they don’t make me happy for long, I started to wonder about the other things I’ve been chasing after. What about the desire to be a best-selling author? Or to find a great love? Or to make a living writing and talking about spirituality? That last one could turn into a whole separate blogpost, but for now, all I’ll say is I’ve realized I don’t have to monetize everything in order for it to be valuable.
Don’t get me wrong, I would LOVE to see this in person, but should that be the goal of my life?
What about all those once-in-a-lifetime experiences? All the places I’ve traveled to? Is that the goal of my life? Should it be? Chasing experience after experience? My dear friend Amal Jacobson discussed this in an essay he wrote about such an experience. He said, “But what did it all amount to? Experiences I could pocket away like fashion accessories? Something I could uselessly recount to somebody someday as proof that I had lived?” That’s been the case for me. When I want to seem exciting and interesting I’ll trot out a travel story, or casually mention that time I did whatever. But for what? As proof I lived?
I’m going to quote the great bard himself, William Shakespeare, who said:
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
In the end, the things I’ve longed for will crumble into dust. My life is but a brief candle, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing unless I change which horse I’m riding. I’m coming to the same conclusion as Jim Carrey who said, “I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that it’s not the answer.” I think you’re right Jim, those things are not the answer. Infinite happiness does not come from finite objects, it can only come from something infinite. That something is God/cosmic consciousness/brahma/higher power/source – an entity with many names. I will gladly accept blessings along the way such as a great love, but I can no longer make finite things the goal of my life.
It’s become clear to me that the goal of my life is to merge with the Supreme and to help others along the way. To be of service in any way I can, but to recognize first and foremost I am an instrument. I am a finite self looking for an infinite Self and nothing short of that will give me the infinite happiness I seek. I get glimpses of infinity when I meditate – not all the time, but enough to assure me I’m headed in the right direction. I have that wish for others too.
I dream of a world where we all take a look at what the goal of our lives is. A world where we recognize what will give us the happiness we truly seek. A world where we each dance with the divine and awaken the spirit within.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I have a friend on facebook who utterly intrigues me. She’s a twinflame matchmaker who’s on a mission to help women become high healed priestesses and engage in their bli$$nesses (bliss + business). Her website, photos, and messages are awash with pink and all things girly. She talks a lot about healing the divine feminine and awakening the feminine energy which is in all of us — men and women alike.
Also, yesterday was the winter solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere. Another friend shared this picture and message: “Happy winter solstice! To the divine, sacred spirit of the feminine opening everything.”
I have no idea whether this is photoshopped or not.
What I’m saying is feminine energy has been on my mind. I’ve been thinking about what it means and noticing there’s been a distinct imbalance in my life, a skewing toward the masculine energy more than the feminine. It seems to me masculine energy is all about doing, acting, moving, while feminine energy is all about being, receiving, and stillness. Given the choice, I’d much rather “do.” Tell me the action to take and I will. Stillness, having patience, these are much harder for me but I’m being called to bring forth my feminine energy more and more.
On Wednesday, I had a conversation about fear and my therapist asked me what my typical response is. My typical response is to power through it. To rush through fear like a warrior charging into battle, but the warrior doesn’t always work for me because sometimes there’s no action to take. Sometimes all my fearful self wants is a hug, which means nurturing and caring for me. Calling forth my softer side.
I won’t say my softer side has been lying dormant — it hasn’t — but cultivating the feminine within me has been a process, an awakening of sorts. If you think about it, waking up requires more than opening your eyes — you also have to throw off the sheets and sidle out of bed. I opened up my eyes long ago, and now I’m stretching.
I guess I’m writing this post because I’m noticing the value of the feminine and I want to encourage other people to engage their softness too. I used to think soft meant weak, vulnerable, open to attack, but the more I’m dismantling my fear, the more I notice it takes a lot of courage to be soft, to be vulnerable, to nurture. And it doesn’t mean I have to be one way or another — sometimes the warrior is necessary, but so is the pink fuzzy blanket.
I also want to say here, in the past I might have berated myself for not being where I want, for not being “awake” already, but I’m noticing there’s deliciousness in waking up. There’s softness in the process. This is me encouraging you to be OK with where you are, to know whatever awakening you are going through it’s perfectly fine for it to be gentle, for you to not be finished with it yet. Savor where you are, you’ll be awake soon enough.
I dream of a world where we don’t rush the process. A world where we understand we wake up (metaphorically speaking) when we’re ready. A world where we value both the masculine and feminine side of ourselves. A world where we live in harmony with ourselves calling forth what is needed when it is needed.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
When I ride the bus it opens up my world and forces me to mix with people I might not otherwise. On Wednesday, I rode the bus and felt like crying hearing the stories around me – the snippets of people talking about being addicted to weed, the demeanor of the woman who looked ready to punch someone, the homeless people camping out at bus shelters. My heart broke a little because I care so much. I care so deeply. Yes, my sensitivity is probably over the top at the moment, but I can’t help that.
As tears started to leak from my eyes, a woman walked on the bus and sat in front of me. Her shirt said “love” down both the sleeves. In that moment I cried even harder because it struck me love is the container for all things. Even while I was crying, love was still there; in this case, literally. Love means it’s safe for me to cry, safe for me to be angry, safe for me to feel whatever I want. All of my emotions, all of my everything, really, are held in the container of love.
I know this is a trash can but there’s a heart on it. So love is literally acting as a container!
Often I think love is separate from icky emotions or things I cast judgment upon. I think there is love and then there is everything else. What I’m coming to realize, however, is that’s false. Love is not outside of all these things, love IS everything; it’s omnipresent.
Nothing escapes the purview of love, nothing is outside of love. There is a Sanskrit mantra I sing every day that translates as “love is all there is.” For the longest time I couldn’t wrap my head around that definition and preferred the longer version: “Everything is an expression of an infinite, loving consciousness.” But today I finally “get” it. Love holds everything, even war, disease, famine, and poverty.
This blogpost may not make sense to many of you, but I hope someone understands what I’m trying to say, which is, even when we think it’s not, love is there. In truth, this concept transcends language so to really understand what I mean, I ask that you take a second to feel what I’m saying.
I dream of a world where we feel love in all things. A world where we understand it’s safe to feel however we’re feeling because we’re being held by divine love. A world where we understand nothing is outside of love because love is all there is.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This week I learned a lot about myself, where I am, and where I’d like to go. Someone I went to high school with died on Tuesday and it hit me like a Mack truck. We weren’t close but it brought up all this stuff for me. As soon as I heard the news I wanted to pick up the phone and call somebody, I wanted someone to comfort me.
As I walked home from work, tears leaking out from the corners of my eyes, my Papa did his best to pacify me. He said all the right things, made all the right soothing noises but it wasn’t enough. So then I called my mom. And she did all the same things. And it still wasn’t enough. And then I called some more people and it still wasn’t enough. After all this I realized, yet again, the comfort I crave has to come from me. The unconditional love, affection, and support has to come from within because coming from the outside it will never be enough. Because the outside love and comfort runs out. Because it’s unsustainable.
I think of it like a car. A car needs to run on gasoline but it can only go so far before it needs a refill. It’s the same way with getting love from the outside – it will help for a little while but eventually we’ll need more. Eventually we’ll run through the love and support someone else gave us and return for our refill. And keep returning unless we learn to refill ourselves. I’d rather generate my own love, affection, comfort and support because my supply is infinite. The love, affection, comfort and support coming from me never ends and never will end. And I don’t need a telephone or a computer to access it either, it’s right here with me at all times.
So here I am, back to self-love, back to filling up my own cup of happiness, back to relying on myself to meet my needs. Turning to myself for the unconditional love and support I crave. And I see how the more I love and approve and accept myself as I am, the more I can do that for others. Once I fill up myself, any leftovers can be given to other people.
The other issue Ryan’s death brought up for me was fear. Fear of what will happen to me. Fear I won’t realize my dreams. Fear of the future, which really means lack of trust. Lack of trust what’s best for me will happen. Lack of trust I’ll be taken care of. I would like to release my need for fear and instead turn my fear into trust and that’s done through love. Love for me and love for God.
Because life is magical, I of course came across this post on Louise L. Hay’s website (which I recommend reading) that deals with this very subject. Louise articulates exactly what I’ve been feeling using the exact same imagery. Before I came across the article, I wrote an e-mail to a friend saying how I think fear obscures our brightness. How fear is like a cloud that blocks out the sun. And how I’d rather live in the light. How I’d rather realize my own magnificence. In fact, that’s one of the affirmations Louise recommends: “I am now willing to only see my magnificence.”
And so, I realize I created this mental pattern, this need for fear, but so too I realize I can uncreate it. I have the power to change my mind and I use that power to create a life I wish to lead. I want to feel loved at all times. I want to feel safe at all times in all situations. I want to trust in my Creator and my Creator’s plan for me. I want to realize my magnificence and rise above thoughts that attempt to make me afraid. I am already cradled by the Divine in each and every moment – now it’s up to me to remember that.
I dream of a world where we love ourselves unconditionally. Where we feel safe in the here and now. Where we release our need for fear. Where we recognize ourselves to be bright, shining stars. A world where peace and harmony reign. A world where we feel at ease because we know and trust all our needs will be met. A world filled with magic and wonder and awe. A world where we see everything as an expression of an infinite, loving consciousness. Ourselves included.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
- « Previous
- 1
- 2
- 3