“Life should not be motivated by fear.” I’ve heard that sentence hundreds of times but usually it goes in one ear and out the other. The message doesn’t land because my mind can’t compute the meaning. In some ways my life has absolutely been motivated by fear.
I’m applying to any and every job — some that I want and some that I don’t — because I’m scared. I’m casting as wide a range as possible because a part of me feels desperate. I’m like that person on Tinder who swipes right for every profile because I want someone, anyone, to say, “Yes, I’ll go out with you.” I get it. We say with jobs and with dating that it’s a numbers game so on some level it makes sense to apply for everything, to say yes to everyone. But on another level it does not.
Reach for the clouds! Or something. . . Photo by Samuel Zeller on Unsplash
I’m saying yes to everything because I’m scared that I won’t be hired anywhere. I’m not accounting for my own needs and wants. Instead I’m saying I’ll settle for anything. Sometimes that’s necessary. In my situation it’s not. I’m already living off of unemployment and food stamps. This is as low as it gets for me because I won’t be homeless — I have too many friends and family to allow that to happen. So this? This is the worst it will get for me given the circumstances.
What would my life look like if I wasn’t motivated by fear? What if my job search wasn’t motivated by fear but instead joy, service, or faith? What would be different? For starters, my mindset would change. I wouldn’t say “if I get hired” but instead “when I get hired.” I’d believe the right job is coming along at some point. I’d apply places that make use of my skills and talents instead of any job, every job.
Writing this my chest is tight and my breathing is shallow because a part of me is very attached to the fear perspective. I’m afraid to stop being afraid. But I want to and am willing to try something new.
My spiritual teacher says over and over again that the universe knows what we need and want before we do. That there’s a loving entity looking out for us, guiding us, giving us what we need. We don’t always realize it at the time; often it only becomes clear in retrospect. I’m finding that to be true for me. I won’t list all the reasons why right now but will say briefly that being unemployed has meant sleeping in every day for more than three months. As someone who didn’t sleep well for seven years, this is a tremendous gift and means I’m healing in ways I never thought possible. So perhaps my higher power knows what’s best for me after all.
I dream of a world where we are motivated by joy, love, service, and faith. A world where we hold out for what we want when we’re fortunate to be in a position to do so. A world where we realize our higher power is acting in our best interest and we surrender to that, trusting all is well.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This month I’m participating in NaNoWriMo – that’s National Novel Writing Month for the uninformed. It’s an internet campaign that encourages people to write 50,000 words during the month of November. That’s roughly 200 pages in book land when you take into account formatting and page size. It’s approximately 75 pages single spaced in a word processing document.
Writing this much during the month of November, or any time really, feels nigh impossible for me. I used to say with sincerity that I can’t write fiction to save my life, and now here I am writing fiction. Some people might scratch their heads upon hearing that. Aren’t I a professional writer? Haven’t I been, you know, writing, for nearly my entire life? What’s the big deal with fiction? Isn’t it all the same? In brief, no.
Yep, I’m writing one of these. Photo by Mahendra Kumar on Unsplash
As a journalist, I write about the world around me. I summarize and synthesize information already available. I don’t create anything, I merely convey information. Writing fiction is the complete opposite. The novelist must create an entire world and have it make sense. Even fantasy and science fiction conforms to certain rules manufactured by the author. Characters have to seem like real people with real emotions and motivations, otherwise we deem them “flat.” As someone who has spent decades reporting on real people and real events to suddenly switch gears and report on imaginary people and imaginary events is no easy task. And yet, here I am, doing the thing I think I can’t.
This post isn’t altogether profound because, well, I’ve already been writing for two hours every day outside of my writing job, but there’s something important for me here about mentioning we’re capable of more than we think. We place limits on ourselves and what we presume we can accomplish, but maybe that’s inaccurate. When I hear about incredible things other people do my first reaction is usually, “I could never do that.” But could I?
My spiritual teacher says something to the effect of exhaust all of your own strength and energy and then if you’re supposed to continue, the universe will give you more strength and energy. That’s not a recipe for burnout, by the way. It’s not an invitation to run ourselves ragged. Rather, it’s the acknowledgment that if you’re lost, wounded, and starving in the woods, for instance, if you’re meant to live, somehow you’ll find the reserves to crawl 200 miles on your hands and knees to civilization. That’s not an exaggeration, by the way. It’s the true story of Hugh Glass, who Leonardo DiCaprio depicted in the movie The Revenant.
What I’m saying here is we are all capable of more than we think. Will I be able to write a total of 50,000 words by the end of this month? I’m not sure, but I’m working toward that every day. I’m tackling something seemingly impossible for me and doing the thing I think I can’t. And even if I fail, this process is stretching me in ways I never anticipated and that in and of itself is valuable.
I dream of a world where we do the things we think we can’t. A world where we realize we are stronger, smarter, and more capable than we are aware. A world where we realize if something is meant to be, the universe will lend us a hand.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
It’s funny how often the same issues crop up. Except not really because as I’ve written about before, they continue to crop up until we’ve mastered them. I’m mastering how to let something in and then let it go!
Ever since I wrote that post last week about realizing my higher power loves me unconditionally and nothing in my life is a punishment, I’ve been sick. (I’m completely unsurprised because when I have a big breakthrough on the mental plane it carries over to the physical plane.) What happens to me when I’m sick is the trifecta of ego-centered feelings kick in: fear, doubt and worry. There’s something about being sick that brings out my irrational side. What I tried to do is say to myself, “It’s ok Rebekah, you’re sick, you’re irrational, you know this isn’t the truth, you’ll feel better in the morning.” Except that didn’t help. In the moment I still felt what I was feeling.
Since logic didn’t work, then I tried to fight fear, doubt and worry. I tried saying affirmations, doing EFT, talking to people. That didn’t really work other because like those whac-a-moles, fear, doubt and worry just kept cropping up! Every time I tried to subjugate fear, doubt and worry, they just came up somewhere else. Like when I was washing dishes.
So logic wasn’t helpful. EFT and affirmations didn’t work. Time to use my tried and true method of pretending! Pretending fear, doubt and worry didn’t exist. Pretending everything was ok. Pretending this was all a byproduct of illness.
Except that didn’t work either.
Pretending (also called avoidance) only allows fear, doubt and worry to fester. You don’t treat an infection by pretending you don’t have it. You have to expose it! So of course, pretending and avoiding I felt something other than what I did only created more strife within me. I think about an article I wrote a million years ago as a journalism student. I interviewed a bunch of women on life after rape and one of them spoke specifically about avoidance. She said you can keep shoving those feelings down like stuffing books in a backpack, but eventually one day the backpack is going to get too heavy and it’s going to break. Yeah.
So what do you do with those feelings? You invite them in for tea and crumpets. More than a month ago I wrote about my pinched nerve and sitting with that physical pain. Because sometimes all you can do is let the pain pass. I realize the same is true with fear, doubt and worry. Instead of resisting either actively or by pretending I don’t feel them, I’m letting them in. “Come in! Come in! Have some tea!” because only then can I release them. How can you release a bird if it’s not in your possession first? You can’t. I can’t let go of fear, doubt and worry until I let them in. And when I let them in I can release them and transcend them and turn them over with love.
I dream of a world where we all understand our feelings cannot harm us. A world where we let in all the things we feel so we can let them go. A world where we remain unattached to all feelings and instead let ourselves be. A world where we turn over control and instead experience each moment fully. A world where we let everything in to then let it go.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I used to believe I had to “conquer” my fears. I used to be of the mindset I had to squash doubt flat, or wrestle with my other issues until I won. That I had to assert my will and come out the victor. I realized a while ago that’s not the case at all.
In January I wrote a journal entry I’ve been meaning to share but haven’t yet:
Jan. 27, 2010
I realized tonight this fear is not mine, it doesn’t belong to me. I’ve been trying to take ownership of it. To claim it. To bust through it. To work around it. But it’s like a blind man getting caught tangled in a cloak. I’ve been trying to chew holes in it and rip it apart, but ultimately can’t get rid of it until I just take it off, recognizing it doesn’t belong to me. Because it doesn’t. There’s no use in trying to work with or tame fear – it can’t be tamed. Only released. It was never mine to begin with. It always belonged to God so I give it back to its rightful owner, where God can transmute it into love. That was never my responsibility. My only job was to let it go, to surrender.
While that particular journal entry was about fear I think it can apply to anything and everything. I don’t ever really “work through” my issues so much as release them. Some people would say to me, “Yes, but Rebekah, the only way to get rid of a fear like public speaking is to just go out and do it. Take a class and practice.” I would say let’s take a look at what’s really going on. What happens when we practice something like public speaking? We decide it’s not as scary as we thought. Because we’re doing what scares us, we realize it’s not so bad. We release the fear in our mind. So again, the point of power, the point of change, is in the mind, not the action.
Whenever I talk about surrender and release someone invariably says to me, “Yes but you still have to do stuff. You can’t just sit around.” Sometimes I think we confuse surrender and avoidance. Avoidance is fear-based. When I avoid something it’s because I’m afraid, I don’t want to do it, whatever. If I were to say, “I surrender my fear of public speaking,” and then refuse to speak in public whenever I’m given the opportunity, that’s not really surrendering the fear, is it? That’s avoidance.
Surrender means to release, to let go, to no longer fight. When I surrender fear and doubt I release them to love. I give them to infinite love. I no longer wrestle with them using my ego, or the willful part of me. The part of me that thinks I handle everything by myself, the part of me that thinks I am separate from everyone and everything else. Essentially the part of me that disconnects from all-pervasive love.
When I surrender, when I release, when I let go, I transcend all those issues. I transcend my little “I” and my little “I” issues and instead remember all is love. Instead I remember I am love incarnate.
I dream of a world where instead of “working” on our issues we just let them go. A world where we remember we are divine, magnificent beings and our true nature is love. A world where we see ourselves for who we really are – embodiments of love. A world where we transcend all that is unlike love and live in a place of peace and harmony.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
When I was a little girl I was very shy and quiet. A bit of a wallflower. I didn’t talk to strangers, didn’t cross the street before the light turned green, didn’t ride a bike until I knew I wouldn’t fall off, and never, ever dove off cliffs into the water below. I was not a risk taker. Because I didn’t want to get hurt. Because I wanted to feel safe. I lived by the creed, “Better safe than sorry.” It took me a long time to build up the courage to do things that scared me. It took years before I felt comfortable jumping off the head of this stone lizard and onto the knotted rope swing:
As I got older, the more safe I felt, the more risks I took. I jumped off the head of the lizard. I dove into rivers, ventured into caves, talked to strangers. I built up to that point because I felt it was safe to do so.
Yesterday as I journaled about my topic du jour (doubt), I realized my grown-up mind is also trying to protect me. As a kid I kept myself safe by never taking risks, by sitting on the sidelines. As an adult I’m keeping myself safe by doubting things will come to pass. Because if they don’t happen then, well, I never thought they would anyway. It’s that adage, “If you don’t try, you’ll never fail.” There are so many places I could go from here, so many points I could make, but what I want to express is I am safe at all times. Am I any safer now when I jump off the stone lizard than I was at 6 years old? No. Is it any safer now for me to cross the street before the light turns green than when I was 3? No. The only difference is in my head. The only difference is my perception.
What I’m realizing is safety, just like happiness, comes from within. It’s not an external force. I am not safe as soon as X, Y, and Z happens (or doesn’t happen as the case may be). I am safe at all times, in all ways, in all situations. It is safe for me to plow ahead, to reach for my dreams, to put my heart on the line. It’s safe for me to believe my intuition and accept divine guidance. It’s safe for me to think I can accomplish what I set my mind to. It’s safe for me to get hurt. Safety is not the absence of pain or sorrow or failure because all those things will happen anyway. Safety is really and truly a perspective. It’s a feeling. And I get to choose how I feel.
So I thank doubt and fear and my good girl complex for doing their job, for helping me to feel safe, for facilitating that process. I thank doubt and fear and whatever else has brought me to where I am today but it’s time to let them go now. It’s time to say, “Goodbye old friends, you served your purpose well.” Instead I know everything is already within me. I can take risks, I can dive off cliffs, I can believe what I feel intuitively because I carry safety within me.
Dr. Alan Zimmerman has a really beautiful quote that fits in quite nicely with the theme of this post:
“Remember the will of God never takes you to where the grace of God will not protect you.”
Knowing I carry safety within me, I strive forward, I take risks, I leave my fears and doubts by the wayside because I am already safe without them. I know safety is a feeling I create for myself irrespective of my environment and external circumstances. And that’s what I wish for others as well.
I dream of a world where everyone feels safe at all times. A world where we can create that for each other. A world where we strive to create the feeling of safety in others by constructing a harmonious environment, a peaceful planet, a world filled with love. A world where we love ourselves and each other unconditionally. A world where that unconditional love translates into how we treat each other. A world where we know we are safe no matter what.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
What I’m realizing is this whole doubt thing is the universe’s way of trying to get me to trust myself. I’ve written before about realizing the truth lies within, but getting rid of doubt is an application of that realization.
Last night a friend of mine said, “I can see this as the future or I can see this as the future,” and I got so upset. I felt upset because she wasn’t telling me what I wanted to hear or what I felt intuitively. Also I realize I felt upset because I was afraid the outcome she predicted would come true. In that moment I realized I’ve been letting other people’s opinions sway me. I’ve been letting what other people think guide me and that is not what self-realization is about. It’s just not. The whole point of a spiritual path is recognizing the truth lies within. How can I believe that yet also look to other people for answers and validation? How can I believe I already know the truth when I get so upset by someone else’s comments?
I share this because I think many of us live in fear of the future or doubt what will come to pass. That’s probably why fortune telling and seeing psychics is so popular. I’ve done it too. Who doesn’t want to hear from somebody else the future is bright and all your dreams will come true? What I’m coming to realize though is I can do all that for myself. Lately I’ve been in a state of wanting constant validation. I’ve been wanting God/the Universe/my friends/family to tell me, “This is what your future will look like,” because I don’t believe my intuition, I don’t believe my own feelings. It’s easier for me to hear it from someone else. Last night though felt like the end to all that. Felt like my higher power saying to me, “When are you going to start trusting yourself and your own feelings about the future? When are you going to stop letting yourself be swayed by others?” Right now Lord. Right now.
I am a manifestation of God, of love, of light. I already know the truth. I already know what will come to pass. My life is my life and no one else’s. No one else knows the answers to my life and what my future holds nor do I know the answers for anyone else. I depend on myself and my higher power for guidance. Everyone else does their own thing and I do mine. I release all doubt because I also realize things change.
Another moment of profundity for me yesterday was understanding nothing is set in stone. And even stone engravings eventually fade. I may think getting from point A to point B is impossible right now and it probably is. But that’s the kicker: right now. It doesn’t mean this moment is how things will always be. While I may think it’s impossible for me to cross a river, at some point my higher power is going to build a bridge. Or send me an airplane. So I don’t need to worry about it. I don’t get to see my entire future, I only get to work toward it. God shows me little snippets of my life so I may continue to put one foot in front of the other and eventually arrive at point B. All the naysayers can just step aside because I have somewhere to be and something to work toward. And from this point forward I will not be deterred.
I release all fear, I release all doubt. I recognize only I can know my future based on the strong desires my higher power instilled within me. I recognize things don’t happen on my timeline but that eventually they do happen. I recognize the Universe guides me in a certain direction and its time to look inward for my compass. Other people can’t possibly know about my life and my future because they are too busy dealing with their own. All we can do for each other is offer love and support as we all figure out how to navigate through the jungle.
I dream of a world where we trust ourselves and our intuitive ability. A world where we all turn inward for the answers we seek. A world where we release all doubt, all fear, all resistance. A world where we recognize things change and nothing lasts forever. A world where we let other people live their lives and we live ours. A world where we know the things we desire most will come to pass if we let them.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
More than a week ago I wrote about releasing doubt. The thing is I’m still releasing it. And that’s ok. I previously wrote a post about spiraling up, about how the same issues keep coming up for us but we’re not in the same place we were before. In fact, it’s like we’re spiraling up a mountain. I guess I want to say I’m giving myself a break for not being over all my issues RIGHT THIS SECOND. Because sometimes things take a while. I’m human and I’ve lived in a certain reality where I felt things like fear, and doubt, and judgment for 25 years. So maybe it’s going to take more than one act of surrender and release to feel safe, trusting, and unconditionally loving. Maybe it’s going to take multiple times before the lesson sticks. It doesn’t make me a bad person or stupid or slow. I am who I am and I learn at the pace I learn. Sometimes it’s faster, sometimes it’s slower.
I think back to a conversation I had with a friend of mine a while ago and he said to me, “Life is about mastery. Learning a lesson and then applying it whenever fear comes up or doubt comes up. Because they will.” That makes complete sense, how life is about mastering lessons. It’s already applicable in something like playing an instrument. Most people have to practice a lot before they can play well. There are some people who can pick up a guitar and play like virtuosos after one lesson but those people are rare. Most of us have to practice. For most of us it takes time to become masters. Why would relinquishing fear/doubt/control/judgment/impatience be much different?
This is me saying I’m one of those people who take time to master a lesson. I’m one of those people who have to keep applying what I’ve learned. I’m one of those people who have to practice before I can rock out to Jimi Hendrix’s “The Star-Spangled Banner.” I think ultimately that’s what’s important – not how long it takes me to learn a lesson but that I learn it. And I will. Day by day, little by little, when my deep underlying issues crop up, I tap them away, I affirm them away, and ultimately I release them to love.
I dream of a world where we cut ourselves some slack for spiraling up. A world where we know sometimes things take time and that’s ok. A world where we unconditionally love ourselves no matter how long it takes for us to learn a lesson. A world where we recognize we are becoming masters in our own way and eventually we will all get there.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
“Lack of doubt makes magic real and makes manifesting your wildest dreams probable.”– unknown
Can I just tell you I have doubts about the future? I have doubts about the way things will go down? I have doubts about where my life is going and what I will accomplish? The thing is though I don’t like it. I don’t like having doubts because I know it’s a vicious cycle where doubting something will happen invariably keeps it from happening. (Most likely anyway, but at the same time I recognize anything is possible.)
I also know “doubt” really means lack of trust. It means I’m saying to God, “I don’t believe you. You’re lying.” I wish I could say I’m past doubting and disbelieving in the Universe but I’m not yet. I wish I could say everything is hunky-dory now but I can’t. At the same time I want to move past it. At the same time I want to trust in my creator and my creator’s plan for me.
I doubt because of fear. I doubt because things don’t look the way I think they should look. I doubt because I can’t see the future and ascertain how I’m going to get from point A to point B. Because from where I’m standing getting to point B looks nigh impossible.
This doubt thing though runs counter to all my other beliefs. My knowledge the world is magical. My knowledge anything is possible. My knowledge I have a higher power greater than myself watching out for me and steering me along.
The Universe has told me time and again, “Hey, this is going to happen,” and I keep refusing to believe it. And I laugh because I stumbled upon the quote I wrote above, “Lack of doubt makes magic real and makes manifesting your wildest dreams probable,” at the apex of my doubting state. If that isn’t like getting hit by a spiritual 2×4 I don’t know what is. I laugh because God is so obviously telling me to release my doubt, to trust in the cosmic plan, sending me sign after sign after sign. This too is where recognizing my life is my life comes in. Because I’ve been letting other people tell me how my life is going to work out. Or I’ve been looking at other people’s lives thinking mine will turn out the same way. And it won’t. It doesn’t.
My friend D would tell me to just let this all go. He’s right of course but obviously I have a “need” for doubt otherwise I wouldn’t be clutching onto it so tightly. And perhaps that’s really what this post is about. Knowing I have an issue I don’t like, that I want to get rid of, but that I’m also holding onto. This is me acknowledging a part of myself enjoys doubting because my ego likes to see me miserable. Likes to keep me confined and thinking I can’t have the things I want. This is me finally saying I don’t need to doubt because doubting gets me nowhere.
I, you, we, are divine children of God. Who am I to say great and glorious things cannot happen? Who am I to say the world is anything less than magical? Who am I to say to God, “You, who are responsible for all of creation, are wrong about this?”
Doubt keeps me boxed in this teeny tiny place and that’s not where I live, nor where I want to live. And so I release all doubt. The Lord has said to me, “Rebekah, this is what’s going to happen.” Who am I to say, “No, it’s not?”
I dream of a world where we release all doubt. Where we trust in the Universe and what the Universe has conveyed to us. A world where we see the magic in everything. A world where we know anything is possible. A world where we live in the present and let the future take care of itself. A world where we understand we walk arm in arm with the Supreme and that means trusting in what lies ahead.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.