In 12-step communities there’s a saying, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” When I first heard the expression, I thought it meant secrets, along with the things you’re ashamed of, and/or the emotions and memories you’re trying to repress, will drive you to act out in your addiction. While that’s true, I’ve also learned recently that secrets can make you physically sicker. I don’t mean the stomachache when you’re hiding something from your best friend. I mean arthritis and cardiovascular issues.
In a meta-analysis, meaning a study that looked at numerous other studies, Marcus Mund and Kristin Mitte found those who repressed their emotions had significant associations with cancer and high blood pressure. There’s also a study from 1999 when Dr. Joshua Smyth assigned asthma and rheumatoid arthritis patients to write either about the most stressful event of their lives or about emotionally neutral topics. He and his colleagues found the patients who wrote about stressful life experiences had clinically relevant changes in health status at four months compared with those who wrote about emotionally neutral topics. The gains were beyond those attributable to the standard medical care that all participants were receiving, according to the authors.
Expression, not repression. Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash
Meaning, just by writing about stressful events, by sharing their secrets, patients with asthma and rheumatoid arthritis were clinically, measurably, better off than people who kept their thoughts and feelings bottled up. The effects may have lasted longer than four months, but Smythe and his colleagues didn’t follow up to find out.
As someone who is extremely psycho-somatic, meaning I have a strong link between my mind and body, I already know this information. However, what is news to me is the measurable effects. Not only do people feel better emotionally when they express their internal landscape, but researchers have demonstrated their blood pressure drops, their heart rate decreases, and pain levels decline. That’s really freaking cool if you ask me. I love when science confirms something I know to be true anecdotally.
Why am I writing this post? I think it’s because there are likely people out there saying to themselves, “The past is the past. I’m over it. I don’t need to talk about it. Why dwell on something you can’t change?” For those people, my response is, “You can’t change the past, but you can change how it’s affecting your present. How it’s impacting your body. Expressing a stressful event, even if it’s just in a journal, will help you feel better physically. And you don’t have to take my word for it – researchers have found that to be true as well.”
Not only researchers, but spiritual teachers. In fact, mine says, “It is natural for all living beings to search for a way to express themselves fully. Sometimes this expression takes the form of crude physical pleasure, and sometimes that of subtle psychic pleasure.” He also says, “Repression directly affects the subconscious mind. Gradually the psychic structure is severely damaged, and finally the mind is totally changed. The result is that people are inflicted with a defeatist psychology and an inferiority complex.”
That doesn’t sound great to me. I’d rather be strong physically and mentally. I want to feel happy and free. Who knew that could happen with something as simple as writing in a journal for 15 minutes?
I dream of a world where we recognize repressing feelings and past events takes a toll on our physical, mental, and emotional health. A world where we understand it’s our innate desire to express. A world where we realize we’ll feel stronger and happier if we express what’s going on for us. A world where we understand we are only as sick as our secrets.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I’m officially a podcast! Click here if you want to check it out. =)
The other day, a friend posed a question on facebook: “Where’s the line between hate speech and incitement? What’s an example of someone talking about white supremacy, warning against ‘race mixing mongrelization’ and takeover by international Jewry, recommending re-education or death for gays, deportation of migrants, where you could make an intellectually honest assessment that they are ‘just stating their opinion’ with no intention of recruiting?”
I love that my friend brought this up because it’s a reminder that ideas have consequences; words matter. Far from the childhood rejoinder, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” words DO hurt. They hurt a lot, especially when those words translate into policies and practices.
Cliche, I know, but I had to use this image.
In the U.S., we tout how great our country is because we have free speech. But is it really free? I’d argue that freedom of speech comes with a cost – sometimes emotionally and sometimes physically. People are literally paying with their lives sometimes; the price doesn’t get any higher than that.
I’m a journalist so in no way, shape, or form am I arguing for governmental censorship. Having governmental restrictions on what we can and cannot say usually ends in disaster. However, there is a big difference between a whistleblower exposing the dark underbelly of an institution and spewing hate. Essentially what I’m advocating for is subtlety of expression.
In yoga, there is a concept called satya. It implies action of mind and the right use of words with the spirit of welfare. Satya is often translated as benevolent truthfulness, but I think the concept is more subtle than that because it’s so relative. There are no hard and fast rules. Sometimes it’s in the best interest of all parties involved to be brutally honest and sometimes it’s better to withhold the truth. What’s really important is welfare. Will the comment help the person or hurt them? And if it will hurt them but they need to hear it, how can the comment be delivered in the gentlest way? If I’m a terrible singer and I’m convinced I’m the next American Idol, no one is doing me any favors by saying my singing voice is fantastic. To practice satya, it would be better to say, “I know you love to sing Rebekah, and that’s great! but I think you could sound even better if you took singing lessons.”
Hate speech I would argue is never about the welfare of others and always about expressing fear and insecurity. And instead of adding to the din by declaring the white supremacists to be racist jerks, to put it politely, I think we’d be better served at asking what the person’s underlying needs are and how can those be addressed. Nothing gets solved by shouting at each other and in fact, all the shouting can have dire consequences. I know that sounds terribly naive, as if I’m advocating we all sit by the campfire and sing “Kumbaye,” but I’m not. White supremacist jerks should not be allowed to call the shots or get into positions of power, and it’s our responsibility to make that so. But to really solve anything we have to address their unmet needs and those of their ilk while also practicing satya ourselves. It’s a tall order but I believe it can be done.
I dream of a world where we take into account the welfare of others, and ourselves, when we communicate. A world where we speak the truth, or withhold it, without hurting others. A world where instead of freedom of expression we practice subtlety of expression.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I know this is kind of gross, so don’t say I didn’t warn you, but my body’s response to pretty much everything is to throw up. Too tired? Throw up! Fearful? Throw up! Anxious? Throw up! Overstimulated? Throw up! You get the picture. (Some of you have even been witness to this phenomenon.) Why am I bringing this up? Because normally I try to suppress the nausea. Normally I try to do everything in my power to keep from vomiting – lying down, running my hand under cold water, EFT, affirmations, falun dafa. I try to do everything except let myself express what my body wants to express.
On Sunday I felt the urge to throw up. For the first time ever I said, “Go ahead. If you have to throw up, you have to throw up. It’s not pleasant but you’ve done it before.” That one act changed everything. That one act uncapped a lid I’ve been clamping shut for a really long time.
Since then I’ve been feeling all the emotions I’ve been suppressing. All the anger, all the sadness, all the despair. I’ve been feeling the anxiety, the worry, the everything I wasn’t allowing myself to feel. By giving myself permission to throw up, thereby permission to no longer hold back, I unleashed a flood of emotions. It has been quite a purge. I felt anger, sadness and despair all in the course of a few hours. Then all my anxiety. Then all my guilt for things I perceived I did wrong during the year. Holy guacamole batman, it’s been intense.
Normally I hold back and suppress my emotions. I wait to cry until I’m alone. I hold my anger in until I get to my apartment. I keep it bottled up until I perceive it’s safe to feel. And you know? Sometimes I don’t even allow the full expression of the emotion. Lately I’ve been using new tools so I don’t even have to feel those feelings. “I feel bad! I want to feel better! Time to do some EFT!” or affirmations or listen to Abraham Hicks. Anything but feel dem feelings.
I’m almost embarrassed to admit this, but the other reason I’ve been suppressing anger/sadness/despair, is according to Abraham Hicks, when you feel those things you’re the furthest from getting what you want. When you feel hopeful that’s when you’re really close to getting what you desire. So what have I been doing? I’ve been working myself into a hopeful state! I want what I want immediately so let’s do everything in my power to Make. It. Happen! No really. Even though despair came up I would say to myself, “No, no, no, it’s not true. You’ll get what you want. Focus on how good it will feel when it arrives.” People, the depths of my controlling nature, I tell you. Looking at it in another way, my level of determination is astounding. I mean seriously. I’ll do absolutely anything to get what I want.
Anyway, those feelings were not getting expressed, but they were still there. Emotions are a form of energy and energy wants to move. It’s the nature of energy. By burying them I caused myself to want to throw up because they have to get out somehow.
You might be thinking, “That’s great Rebekah. Thanks for sharing. Why do I care?” Maybe you don’t, or won’t. All I can tell you is I’d much rather feel pissed off in the moment rather than months later when it comes out in a tsunami. Because seriously? The emotional purge I’ve gone through this week? It’s left me feeling strung out like a heroin junkie.
Lastly, even as I felt the lowest, deepest, darkest pits of emotion, I also felt relief. Relief that I could finally let go of everything I’d been holding onto. Relief I no longer had to suppress my feelings for fear of how others would react, or how the Universe would respond. Relief because I felt wiped clean of all the emotional gunk clogging up my system. Relief because I was free.
I dream of a world where we all feel our feelings as they come up, regardless of whether the setting is “appropriate” or not. I dream of world where we know it’s safe to feel the entire spectrum of our emotions. A world where we let the emotional energy move and flow. A world where we allow ourselves to experience the relief that comes from expression.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.