A band I like, the Downer Party, has a lyric from “Cities” that says, “How can it be that we live with those we love in different cities?” How apt for my experiences of the past week. I’m flying back from the East Coast where I attended a friend’s wedding. It was so lovely — the wedding and the visit.
The bride and groom! How could I not use this picture? I mean really.
It had been at least a year, sometimes years, plural, since I saw some of my friends. We chatted as if no time had passed, falling into familiarity like driving the daily route to work. Despite distance, despite not talking for ages, the love is there, much like I wrote about in “Love from afar.”
And now I’m going back to normal life, which sucks. It seems no matter where I am, I’m going to miss somebody because my loved ones don’t live together in a big hippie commune. I wish I was one of those “smile because it happened” instead of “cry because it’s over” people, but I’m not. I cry. I lament. I ache. But ever the practical person, I’m reminded there’s nothing I can actually do to change all this. And perhaps the feeling of love is what’s most important.
Maybe like I wrote about a few weeks ago, the emotions are more important than the particulars. Maybe it doesn’t matter so much that we live in different time zones, that we don’t speak often, that we don’t know the ins and outs of each other’s daily lives. perhaps what’s most important is the love between us that quite often transcends time and space.
Is it easier to love people who live close by? Of course, but that’s not always possible. Maybe in this day and age of being far flung, I have to content myself with knowing that I love. That love is all there is. That as I reference in the title of this post: “Love, love, love. The end.”
I dream of a world where we love more. A world where we realize love is what’s most important, not how often we see each other or how frequently we talk. A world where we take in Tennyson’s sentiment, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I’m sick today so I’m reposting something from more than two years ago. Love from afar is on my mind because I’m reuniting with so many friends through weddings and visits that I’m reminded I can still love people even if I haven’t seen them in 10 years.
Last night I went to a party a friend of mine from high school was throwing. I hadn’t seen him in YEARS, as in, possibly six or more, and yet when we saw each other it was like no time had passed. I love those friendships because they illustrate to me the basic truth that love never dies. You can lose contact with someone for years and when you see them again all the old feelings rush back. And that’s the case for romantic relationships as well. That’s probably why so many people get back together with their old flames. I get the warm fuzzies knowing love is one of those things that lasts.
I LOVE this image! How perfect! Copyright goes to Calindi Creations.
Right about now is probably when you’re saying, “Love doesn’t always last.” I think it does, actually. It may just get transmuted into other feelings like anger, resentment, or distaste. But if love wasn’t there, the feelings wouldn’t be either. In my opinion the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s apathy. There’s a reason why we say there’s a thin line between love and hate. If a person is generally the same one we met, there’s a good chance we’ll continue to love them, possibly for eternity. The way my life is going right now it’s nice to hold onto some permanence. I’m not saying I’ll forever be in love with a person, but I do think I’ll forever love them, make sense?
I’m not sure why I’m writing about this except that it really does inspire me. To not see someone for years, to not have any contact with them, and then when they re-enter your orbit to still love and care about them as if they’ve been around all along. Because on some level they have. We’re all connected, we’re all one, so maybe when someone comes into your life they’re always a part of it. And perhaps they’re a part of your life even before you met, you just didn’t know it. I enjoy knowing that love can endure. That even if there were personal issues that kept you apart you can still love someone. That to me is a beautiful thing. It’s an amazing expression of who we are as human beings. It’s an amazing expression of how time doesn’t mean much after all. Of how we’re not as separate as we’re led to believe.
I’m rambling a bit but I’m grateful and I’m inspired because love endures! Itlasts. It’s sweet and precious and doesn’t go away because you’ve lost contact or had a fight or moved. It never left.
I dream of a world where we revel in the notion love endures and that we can love from afar. That we can lose contact with someone and still love them. A world where we understand in many ways time is meaningless. A world where we allow ourselves to give and receive love because we understand that it will last.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Last week after group meditation we read a discourse that said God/brahma/the universe/Spirit, whatever name you have, is our one true friend. That all others will come into and out of our lives but that loving entity will always be there. Was there when we were born and will be there when we die. This is a concept I have some trouble with because I want my one true friend to be a person. I want a person in my life who I can count on, who’s reliable, who will always be there for me when I need, but I’m finding out it’s impossible to have one person who can fill that role all the time.
This week I’ve had hella problems with my plumbing. Like, the toilet only sort of flushes and my shower is clogged and spews dirt. (Please don’t disabuse me of the notion that what’s on my shower floor is not dirt. I don’t want to think of it as anything else.) I called the plumber a bajillion times and have been unimpressed by the company’s reliability. The plumber was supposed to come at 9:30 a.m. on Monday and didn’t show up until 4:00 p.m. on Tuesday. And even then he didn’t do anything!
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What I like about this image is to me it seems to be a mix of the physical and the spiritual.
Here’s the miracle in all of this. Even though the plumber has been unreliable, not showing up when he said he would, not following through, I’ve still been taken care of because my higher power is my one true friend. Clearly, I couldn’t stay in my cottage because I couldn’t use my toilet or take a shower! Even before all of this started, my good friends asked if I’d like to catsit for them in the city, to which I agreed. Interesting timing that just as my cottage became unlivable, an opportunity came up for me to live somewhere else.
When I reflected on that, I felt a deep sense of gratitude and understanding that my higher power IS my one true friend because even though all these people were being unreliable and not responsive, the universe arranged things so I would still be taken care of.
The addendum to all this is I called the plumber again yesterday because the problem still wasn’t fixed, even though they told me it would be, and they came out and did their thing. I say “they” because the issue was not easily solved and required a team of people. When they left, my inner child had a freak out because the toilet still wasn’t flushing! The adult in me had the notion to turn the water knob near the toilet and sure enough, the toilet tank started filling, which solved the problem. In that moment, I was reminded not only is my higher power my best friend but I am my best friend. I don’t need other people to be reliable, responsible, or jump in to rescue me because I am fully capable of taking care of myself. The combination of me plus my higher power means I have the greatest best friend I could ever ask for.
I dream of a world where we realize we don’t need one person we can rely on because we can rely on higher power. A world where we also remember we do a great job taking care of ourselves. A world where we relax, trust, and take things easy because we know we will always have one true friend.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This may seem like another New Year’s resolution-y blogpost, but I promise it’s not. Especially because I operate under the belief a new year, a new day – even a new you – can start at any time.
What’s been coming up for me a lot (regardless that it’s a new year) is the notion of leaving the past behind. I’m noticing many thought patterns, beliefs, and even friendships are falling by the wayside as they become outdated. Part of this is because I’m still going through my Saturn return, meaning I’m shedding the things that do not work for me in anticipation of the person I’m becoming and will be for the next phase of my life. The other part is because I’m doing a lot of work on myself, so of course things cannot remain the same.
Leave your past behind like this person left his/her shoes.
However, that does not mean the process isn’t painful. A piece of me wants to keep things as they are, have nothing change, keep the status quo because it’s comfortable. That’s not the case so I’m in discomfort. As my friend B says, I’m experiencing growing pains (ain’t that the truth!).
I bring this up because I think it’s important to honor the process, to acknowledge change is hard and it’s painful and nobody said we’d enjoy it, but it’s oh so necessary.
I had an amazing astrology reading after Christmas that provided a lot of clarity. It was incredibly validating because the astrologer said, “Oh yes, the last three years have been awful for you, I can see that reflected in your chart, and here’s a little explanation as to why.” But he also reminded me my friendships fading into the background, my business endeavors falling flat, all of the disappointments I’ve experienced, have ultimately been for my own good. Certain people in my life are reflective of old patterns and now as I’m growing into a stronger person, into the person I’d like to be, there is strife and those friendships are no longer working.
As I go through this growing process, it’s important for me to remember not everything is falling apart, not every friendship is in jeopardy and not every person is going to fade into the shadows. And in fact, I’m going to make new friends, new people are coming into my life who are supportive of the person I’m becoming, and that’s something to cherish even though the pruning process is distressing.
I’m not perfect at leaving the past behind (hello! I think this blog shows that!), but now, especially given the context of what’s going on with me astrologically, I can more readily accept the changes and leave the past where it belongs. One of the more touching moments for me this past week was on New Year’s Day when my yoga and meditation organization asked me to read a passage. Here is a particularly potent excerpt:
While advancing from the distant past, humanity has reached the end of a dark period; a new year’s dawn is about to break in its history. Humanity will have to move forward still further, and in this path of their movement, there is no pause, no rest — no punctuation mark with comma, colon, or semicolon. They must move ever forward. Indeed, they are moving and they will continue to move, for movement is the very essence of life, the living proof of its vital existence. Those who stop in the middle of their movement have lost the very characteristic or dharma of life. — P.R. Sarkar (Shrii Shrii Anandamurti), A Few Problems Solved Part 5
I dream of a world where we keep moving forward because we understand we must. A world where we know change may be painful but oftentimes it’s for our own good. A world we let go of what no longer serves us even if it’s uncomfortable. A world where we understand sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to leave the past behind.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I didn’t think I was going to write any new material today because I am zonked, but then inspiration hit and I realized I wanted to share this.
Lately, perfectionism and people pleasing have been coming up for me. I’ve held this belief that if I wasn’t perfect, if I wasn’t giving of myself, others wouldn’t continue to like me, wouldn’t want to maintain a relationship with me. There’s been a fear that if I didn’t constantly give my gifts in friendship, people I love would disappear.
A lot of my past work using affirmations has been saying, “Rebekah, I love you for who are,” and that’s great! It’s been so helpful and has completely changed my life. However, right or wrong, I’m at the point now where I want to believe the same is true of friends, i.e. that my friends also love me for who I am, not what I do or give. I know I can’t ask anyone to say these things to me, but perhaps you feel the same and would like to hear it, so I’m going to tell it to you, my readers, my friends, the people I associate with. Here is my open letter to you:
Dear (insert your name here),
I love you for exactly who you are, right now. I love your authenticity, your vulnerability. I love your quirks. I love the things that set you apart from the crowd. I love how you stand up for yourself and how you hold fast to your convictions. I love that you’re willing to be weird because in your weirdness there is you and I love you.
I want to tell you, you don’t have to change for me. You don’t have to be perfect for me. Perfection does not equal love, but humanness does. You’re experimenting in life and so am I and I love you for it. I love that you’re willing to show up for life, to have the courage to keep going even after you make mistakes. I love your boldness.
Please keep being you and please know that if other people don’t like you for who you are, they’re not meant to be in your life. Birds of a feather flock together and you are in my flock. We are meant to stick together, chinks and all.
I love when you’re real with me. I love when you let me in and show me what’s really going on with you. I love when your walls are down, when you’re honest, when you’re crying. That is how I connect with you. I don’t want to see your mask; I can’t click with your mask, so please take it off when you’re with me.
You are a bright, shining light, and I want you to know it’s safe for you to be you, especially around me.
All my love,
Rebekah
I dream of a world where we know we are loved for who we are. A world where we realize the people in our lives love us for us, and if they don’t, the relationship is not serving our best interests. A world where we keep tearing our walls down because our authenticity is what brings about the most love.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I suck at transitions, especially when I’m not the one gallivanting off on the adventure. When my world stays the same minus one aspect – a friend moving away, for instance – then it’s as if I’ve entered the “Twilight Zone.” Life is the same but different. It’s this piece that drives me crazy, the instability, the insecurity, the ground shifting beneath my feet because things are not what they once were.
Every goodbye carries with it a new hello.
I’m not sure I have anything inspiring to say except I keep hearing an expression ringing in my ears: “You have to let go of the old to make way for the new.” When things are good, when I like the old, I don’t want to make way for the new. But I also recognize there could be some really good things up ahead. I could become close to someone new and my life could be enriched. I could experience something amazing I otherwise wouldn’t have been open to. Life could be so beautiful it would break my heart.
I guess where I’m at is grieving the loss, saying goodbye to the old, but understanding the new could be fantastic. And because I believe in an invisible hand, a guiding force, I know it will be in my best interest.
Am I sad to say goodbye to old friends? Yes, I am, BUT distance doesn’t mean the friendship dies and really, who knows what’s next?
I dream of a world where we clear the old to make way for the new. A world where we grieve for the past yet welcome the future. A world where we live each moment feeling grateful for what we have because we understand it won’t last forever.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
When I sat down to write this blogpost, the only phrase that came to mind was, "There is enough." There is enough time, money, energy, resources, and food. There is enough of everything. This is especially important as I'm wrapping up my life in Washington, D.C. I leave for Europe on Tuesday and when I come back I have about three weeks before I fly to California. My first impulse is to cram as much as possible into that time period, but I have to remind myself to put me first.
I think that's what a lot of what the past few months have been about, putting me first. I have a tendency to say "yes" to other people or activities without thinking about how it will affect me. I love my friends so much I want to say "yes" to every social gathering but I can't. Sometimes I need to say, "No."
I searched for ages to find an appropriate image to illustrate, “There is enough.”
On Saturday a friend texted me and asked what I was doing that night. I told him I had to rest and to pack. I so wanted to say, "Nothing! Let's hang out!" because I don't seem him often, and I wanted to make up for lost time. Also, when I was a kid, I spent many a weekend by myself, so I wanted to make up for my childhood. Because of my scarcity thinking and my past, these days I go in the other direction and want to binge on friendships and social activity. I want to say, "Yes" all the time. Reminding me there is enough of everything keeps me balanced. I don't have to worry about my friendships because they are strong enough, deep enough, _____ enough to withstand saying, "No."
Scarcity thinking is really another name for fear and I'm banishing fear from my life and my body. I'm choosing to believe there is enough of everything. That even if I don't get to see every single person I want to see and visit every single place I want to visit, that's alright. There is enough time to do it later. Some other visit. Some other trip. Some other year.
I guess what I'm saying is I'd rather trust in my creator, knowing all of my needs will be met. I'd rather strike a balance between activity and inactivity, between alone time and social time because there is enough of everything. I don't have to force anything and can instead let it flow and see what develops. I have that wish for others as well.
I dream of world where we all know there is enough of everything. A world where we share our resources to ensure that's the case. A world where we take care of each other and ourselves. A world where we say, "No," when we mean, "No," and, "Yes," when we mean, "Yes." A world where we trust all is well.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
Normally I blog on Sundays but things have been so crazy I’ve been unable to do so until now. I moved into a new place about a week ago and then I had guests stay with me so it’s been quite a whirlwind!
All this week though I’ve noticed how things pop when they’re ready. As mentioned, I moved into a new place that’s a studio plus an office. In order to separate my bedroom from my living room, I bought a Japanese screen from Craigslist.
Pretty, right?
The night before I picked up the screen I checked my wallet and all I had was $44. (The screen cost $45.) My new location is not as commercial as my other one, so I’m not near an ATM, nor is an ATM on my way to public transportation, so I wanted to avoid a special trip if at all possible. I dumped all the coins in my wallet on the floor and came up $0.26 short. I searched my whole apartment looking for the extra change. I scoured the bottom of every bag and backpack I own trying to come up with the money, running through scenarios in my head. Perhaps she would be fine with $44.74.
It struck me I should check my foreign money because, hey, you never know, right? I just got back from Italy, so maybe my American money would be mixed in. I searched my euros, nope, nothing. Then I pulled out my money from Costa Rica, a country I visited 11 year ago. Mixed in with all the coins was a $1 American coin. I kid you not. That coin was sitting in a bag at the bottom of my dresser for ELEVEN YEARS waiting for this very purpose it seemed.
The coin looked similar to this one. I hope it wasn't a collectible.
I laughed out loud when I saw it and I think I said, “You have to be kidding me.” Things pop when they’re ready.
What’s also interesting to me is I’ve known someone for 10 years – we run in the same circles, have similar friends – and yet up until recently we’ve been acquaintances. Familiar acquaintances, yes, but I didn’t really consider him a friend. More like in between a friend and an acquaintance. Then in August he started dating his partner and things changed. We started hanging out more and became real friends. So much so that I visited him in the hospital yesterday after he fractured his jaw while breaking up a fight. I didn’t know I felt that way until his partner sent out a mass message on facebook detailing what happened. Somehow I didn’t even question whether I would visit him, it was a given.
While at the hospital he was a pathetic sight – bandages strapped to his head, immobilizing his jaw, not able to talk. All communication was through paper. He wrote down on a piece of paper, “Thanks for visiting me,” and I said, “Of course! That’s what you do for friends and family!” And I meant it. Because somehow we crossed the line of acquaintance and into friendship even though I’ve known him for a long time. Things pop when they’re ready.
I’m going to circle this post back to the last one I wrote “Starburst,” because I think the same principle applies. Matt Damon and Julia Roberts “popped,” they became famous when they were ready, or the universe was ready, or whatever “it” is that had to be ready. The exciting thing is we never know when the pop will happen.
I dream of a world where we understand all things in due time. A world where we know there’s no need to feel impatient because things pop when they’re ready. A world where we live each day in joy, feeling present, and alive because there is nothing more exciting than being on planet Earth when at any moment things can pop.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
So my book is finally out. And by that I mean it’s been sent to reviewers, friends, and family. All day today I’ve felt uncomfortable because I’ve been nervous about how the book will be received. I thought it was because I worried about whether people will like it or not, but in truth that’s not what’s bothering me. In truth, I’m scared. I’m scared that once people read all my personal details, once everyone sees how my mind works, that my friends will decide to disassociate with me. That once my true self is revealed I’ll be shunned.
This is an old story for me, one from childhood. I’ve believed I didn’t have friends as a kid because once my peers found out how weird I was they decided not to have anything to do with me. That’s how I viewed things through my childhood lens. But as an adult I can see a fuller, more accurate picture. That’s really not what happened. I had friends. Nobody shunned me. Really I was the one rejecting them because I didn’t feel a connection. I chose to spend time by myself rather than with people I didn’t share anything in common with. It wasn’t because I was a weirdo loser freak that scared people off. It wasn’t because people found out about “the real me.”
As an adult I also know people like learning about vulnerabilities, they LOVE hearing about the deeply personal stuff because that’s how we connect with one another. I love it when people feel like they can confide in me. When they want to talk about what’s really going on. My book is an opportunity of sorts to have the same thing happen, to allow people to connect with me. Instead of keeping others at arm’s length, I’m letting people in. I think that’s what’s so scary. I don’t get to pick and choose who I’m letting in, it’s anyone who’s interested in my story.
I also think about how people have shared with me things they were ashamed of, things that are not widely accepted or approved of, and my response was not to go running from the room. My response was not to turn up my nose in disgust. Instead I felt compassion for the person, for the pain that drove them to act out in such a way. I’m hoping my friends will react the same way. Instead of cutting off all ties because they found out some things that happened years ago, they’ll react with compassion and with love. Because when I’ve been my most vulnerable that’s all I’ve ever received.
I guess I’m saying I can look at a story that has shaped my identity and how I move about the world with a different lens. These days I get to see the reality of what happened to me instead of just the pain. I get to heal my childhood trauma and recognize I wasn’t as powerless as I led myself to believe. That I had a choice in things. That I co-created an experience for myself.
As far as my book, no one will turn me out because they suddenly find out I’m human and I have feelings. They won’t say, “Sorry Rebekah, you’re not the person I thought you were,” because they learned more about me. But if they do, is that really someone I want in my life anyone? I choose to know it’s safe to be me, that it’s safe to express myself, that I can view my life’s events from another lens and thus experience some peace.
I dream of a world where we know it’s safe to reveal our true colors. A world where we feel comfortable sharing our raw and honest emotions. A world where we examine our past with a different lens acknowledging things were perhaps not what they seemed.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I can say unequivocally this has been the most stressful week of my life. I’m including in that list the week I got laid off, the week sprained my ankle, the week I moved across the country, the week I graduated from college, etc. On top of the general stress of packing/moving, I also had to contend with painting AND getting my book Just a Girl from Kansas to the printer. So in this week of crazy, I had several very sweet moments of being shown how my needs will be met and the universe will provide for me.
On a small scale, on Wednesday my lips were extremely chapped and I’d left my chapstick at home. I kept thinking I would love to rub some olive oil on them and I hoped my new home would have some. As I walked into the kitchen, there sat a huge jar of olive oil, which hadn’t been there the previous day. I also realized I needed boxes for the move, which I found in our garage. It was interesting to me I found these two items at the house I was moving into – like it was an indicator of things to come. This is tangential but related, I just traipsed down to the garden and snipped some lettuce leaves and started chuckling to myself because about a year ago I had the conversation with a friend that I would like to live somewhere with a garden but not have to tend to it myself. Tada!
On a larger scale, I really had no idea how I would pack and move everything by 1:30 p.m. yesterday. What with the painting, the time I had allotted for packing got eaten up. My deadline was self-imposed, but with good reason. This is the last weekend in January and I didn’t want to have to pay for rent in February. Plus, if I needed extra time beyond Saturday I wanted to give myself that buffer. I almost started hyperventilating on Thursday, wondering how I would get it all done. The universe provides, because my (former) downstairs neighbor came up to help me. She packed while I ate dinner. Then on Friday a friend called and he said he could help me pack Saturday morning. And the help kept coming. Friend after friend came by to help me pack and move. One left to do other things and then came back.
I already wrote them all a gushy e-mail, but in essence I am overcome with gratitude and appreciation. I am in awe and in love with how the universe is providing for me. And not only that, but I’m allowing myself to receive it. It wasn’t too long ago that I would have stayed up all night packing by myself because I didn’t want any help. Or because I was too scared to ask. To allow that to come in is huge.
This post is a little all over the place, but in essence, I’m seeing how the universe provides for me. How the universe takes care of me. How it ensures all of my needs will be met. I’m seeing that what I need will always be there if I give it long enough. And that my friends, is a sweet place to be in.
I dream of a world where we know the universe will provide us with what we need. A world where we allow ourselves to receive our hearts wishes. A world where we reach out and ask for help, knowing it will come. A world where bask in the knowledge all of our needs will always be met.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
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