I’m resharing this post from September 2019 because once again, I find myself in a hallway, metaphorically speaking. That also means the audio clip below is from that time period. Enjoy.
A close friend of mine used an analogy the other day that’s stuck with me. She said her higher power has closed a door in her life and hasn’t opened another one yet. That means for now she’s stuck in a hallway, waiting for another door to open. Yesssssss. That’s so my life right now. I’m in limbo, in a hallway, waiting for something new, for a door to open, but it hasn’t yet and it’s uncomfortable.
I hate this phase. I think most people do. And at the same time, I recognize this is a part of life — it’s filled with speed and then pause. Even when breathing we inhale, pause slightly, and then exhale with another slight pause. When we walk, we put one foot on the ground or we can’t move forward. The left foot makes the next step only if the right foot prepares for the movement by being placed on the ground.
I’m waiting for my next door to open. Photo by Rhea Lofranco on Unsplash
My spiritual teacher says alternating between speed and pause is crucial for successful movement. “If we wish to say something about speed, or the characteristics of movement, we will have to acknowledge the necessity of the state of pause otherwise it will not be possible to move into the next stage,” he said. “This speed and pause will continue. Pause means gathering momentum for speed in the subsequent phase. If one closely watches the effect of speed on a particular community or the entire humanity, one sees that generally people eulogize the period of speed. However, we cannot afford to ignore the state of pause, because by judging what the previous state of pause was like, we can discern the speed of the next phase.”
A couple of things jump out at me from that quote. First of all, the pause is temporary. It feels like I’m going to be stuck in this hallway forever, but I won’t be. Things will change, they absolutely will, even if a part of me doesn’t believe that. I’m reminded just because I may not believe something doesn’t make it any less true. For instance, some people still believe the Earth is flat, but regardless, the Earth is round.
The other point that jumps out at me from the quote is the last bit, about how the state of pause can help discern the speed of the next phase. What I’m taking that to mean is my life is going to go off like a rocket. All of this momentum, this angst, is going to catapult me into the next phase and my life will move at warp speed. I cannot express how much I’m looking forward to it. And at the same time, I’m recognizing the necessity for this state of pause, this place where I’m spinning my wheels, revving my engine, and getting ready to zoom ahead. Pretty soon a door will open and I’m going to bolt through it. But for now, I’m here, in a hallway.
I dream of a world where we recognize the importance of limbo periods. A world where we understand in order to move ahead, we also have to pause, to gather momentum. A world where we recognize even when it seems like we’re standing still, it’s all in service of what’s next.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Something strange happened to me on Thursday. In the afternoon I heard a helicopter circling and peered out my window to identify its location. When I looked out my bedroom window, I spotted not only the helicopter above me, but also a swarm of police cars on the street behind my house. I’m on a hill so the cars were not directly behind me but I could still see them.
I jumped on Twitter and used all the hashtags that came to mind to determine why police cars and a helicopter parked near my house. I googled local news and even called the police nonemergency number. After waiting on hold for nearly 10 minutes I hung up. I couldn’t find an answer to my question. I thought about walking up to a police officer and asking about the fuss, but then I questioned that. “Do you really need to know? Maybe it’s better if you don’t.”
Does this person need to know what they’re walking on or is it better if they don’t, being a sewer and all? Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash
Confession, although I suspect you already guessed this about me, I don’t watch true crime. I’m not a Law and Order junkie, or a CSI fanatic. I don’t enjoy murders and murder mysteries because I’m too sensitive. That means my brain doesn’t come up with gruesome scenarios, and let’s be honest, reality is much grimmer than my personal imagination. Some of the things people do to one another would never occur to me. But if there are police cars and a helicopter involved, the situation is probably not because someone accumulated parking tickets. Do I need to know that person lives nearby? I do not. (Note: If your google search is more fruitful than mine, please don’t tell me why the police visited my neighborhood unless it is for something innocuous like littering.)
This perspective is a huge shift for me because I want to know everything. My brain tells me I’ll be safer if I know all the details. But is that really true? Does knowing about a murder in Omaha make me safer here in Oakland? Or does it only succeed in making me scared to go to Omaha? All weekend I’ve wrestled with this, itching to check Twitter to find out what happened on Thursday. I resist because once I learn something, that information cannot be unlearned. It’s like trying to suck toothpaste back into a tube.
What also comes to mind is the converse of what I’ve shared: If I need to know something, I will. My higher power will arrange things so I find out information. I’ll run into someone at a party, I’ll overhear a conversation on the street, etc. I searched for a quote here from my spiritual teacher to throw in and came across this one: “[T]he source of physical knowledge is bound up by time, space, and person. With the change of time, space, and person, physical knowledge will change. Hence it is not a permanent knowledge.”
I derive comfort from that quote because it means even if someone awful lives behind me now, it doesn’t mean they always will. Maybe knowledge, like safety, is a snapshot in time. And if it’s a snapshot in time, what’s the point in scaring myself right now?
I dream of a world where we recognize sometimes it’s better to stay in the dark. A world where we realize if we’re meant to know something, we will. A world where we understand sometimes we don’t need to know.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
The other day I noticed an Instagram influencer with millions of followers and she has messages like: “This is where your excuses come to die” and “Don’t let anything stop you.” I started wondering, why are these messages so popular? Why does this woman have so many followers? And then it occurred to me, we’re all looking for mirrors, metaphorically speaking.
What I mean is we seek people, situations, experiences, perspectives, etc. that reflect our insides in order to feel safe. If I think I’m a piece of crap and completely unlovable, then I’ll be in relationship with people who convey those messages to me through words and actions. If I believe I’m amazing, then I’ll be in relationship with people who convey those messages to me through words and actions.
We want our outsides to match our insides. Photo by Ashim D’Silva on Unsplash
What does this have to do with safety? If something doesn’t fit into our worldview, it’s threatening. To go back to my earlier example, if I think I’m a piece of crap, having someone tell me otherwise will lead to suspicion. “What’s wrong with this person if they think I’m great?” or another common thought is, “If they only knew the real me, they wouldn’t believe I’m so great.” Eventually I’d stop hanging out with that person because hearing I’m awesome would be too triggering. It would then be easy to think my relationships are so terrible because other people are the problem, when in reality the world is merely reflecting what I’m projecting.
Why am I bringing this up? I’m bringing it up because it’s easy to believe life is better when something external changes, and that’s true, the external is important, but how many of us are working on our insides? How many of us recognize the connection between our inner world and our outer world?
According to the spiritual philosophy I align with, everything is a thought projection of Cosmic Consciousness. That means nothing is external and everything is internal. It then follows how and why the same is true for the individual — that my internal world gets reflected externally. I understand not everyone will jive with that philosophy, and that’s fine. The point I’m trying to make — and perhaps awkwardly because I’m still sick — is that there’s no difference between the internal and external. What we feel, we project and we seek out. We are all looking for mirrors.
I dream of a world where we understand in order to change our experience of the world we must change our internal reality. A world where we realize oftentimes the external won’t change until the internal does. A world where we realize we are all looking for mirrors.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I experienced something this week that seems like a good metaphor for my life right now. On Thursday, I started to wash my clothes but noticed I didn’t have enough quarters to dry them as well. I decided to wash them anyway and hang everything up to dry. However, when I descended to the laundry room to acquire my clothes, I found them sitting in a pool of water — the washing machine hadn’t drained the water. Luckily, my landlord was onsite so I alerted him to the problem. He unplugged the machine, started it again, added more quarters to see if that made a difference — nada.
Defeated, I pulled my sopping wet clothes from the machine, leaving the lid up to broadcast to anyone else the washing machine’s malfunction. However, a short while later, my landlord knocked on my door and said he heard the washing machine start up again. He gave me three dollars in quarters to try my load once more. Not only did the machine work, but also I had an extra $1.50 in quarters to be able to dry my clothes. Huzzah! Things were difficult, but hardship paved the way for ease.
Swinging is hard, then it’s easy. Photo by Yoori Koo on Unsplash
I’m hopeful the same will be true with other aspects of my life, particularly my career. I’m applying for jobs left and right, going on interviews, but still no offers on the table. It’s tough. It’s demoralizing. It’s not what I would call easy. But maybe the universe is constructing things so they will become easy. Perhaps the obstacles right now are also for my benefit.
My spiritual teacher says, “The path of spiritual excellence is strewn with numerous obstacles.” And also, “When one sets out to complete a great task, innumerable difficulties must be confronted. The greater the task, the mightier the obstacles.” I didn’t think the task of being employed would be so great, but it is because I’m not suited for every job and not every job is suited for me. That means a lot of hurdles to clear. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow requires some legwork to find.
I can’t do more about my situation than I already am other than change my perspective. I can’t control what happens to me, but I can control what I think about it. Right now I’m choosing to believe this is all happening for a reason, and while it’s really not fun, eventually it will pan out and things will be easy. Until they’re hard again and then easy again and then hard again ad infinitum.
I dream of a world where things are hard at first and then they’re easy. A world where we see how even the difficult things lead to something easier down the road. A world where we understand everything slots together like a puzzle but we can’t see the whole picture yet until it’s finished.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
The other day I fretted about my job situation, worried I won’t find another one, or I won’t find another one that I like, that suits me, etc. I applied some spiritual principles — mainly recognizing I’m not in control of this, but I have a higher power — and came to the conclusion my higher power is bigger than all of this.
When I think about myself and my situation it’s from a small and limited perspective. You could call it ego or fear, but regardless, it keeps me locked into limitation. It keeps me from believing in miracles and possibilities. That self is like Chicken Little, declaring the sky is falling because an acorn fell on her head. Did you know there are multiple versions of the Chicken Little story? In one version, Chicken Little and all her friends are lured to a fox’s den and never seen again. In another, they tell a king and the king reassures them the sky is not falling, plucking an acorn from Chicken Little’s head.
I’d like to frequent the metaphorical palace. Photo by Victoriano Izquierdo on Unsplash
This story appeals to me right now because I see my situation as a fork in the road with different outcomes. I could be like Chicken Little and let my fear lead me to a metaphorical fox’s den where I’ll be devoured, or I could be like Chicken Little and let my fear lead me to a metaphorical palace where I’ll be reassured. My higher power is the royalty in this situation — bigger, more powerful, and thoroughly capable.
The other day I watched a movie about Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. It reminded me back in the day royalty could accomplish the seemingly impossible. He wanted to marry Anne Boleyn so badly he created his own freaking church so he could divorce Catherine of Aragon. That may not seem like a big deal in this modern age where we can create a church in 10 minutes by purchasing a domain name on the internet, but back then? Unthinkable. Practically impossible. And he did it anyway. My higher power is not Henry VIII, but nonetheless, has royal qualities, which means my higher power can totally handle this job situation.
My higher power is bigger than me and thus capable of miracles. I’ve already been the recipient of miracles over and over again. In fact, I’m writing this blogpost from a miracle: my apartment. By all accounts this situation shouldn’t exist: I live alone in a quiet place that I can afford with laundry onsite and in a good location close to public transportation. In the Bay Area that’s like the Holy Grail. Can it be possible then my job will be similar? Sometimes I believe that and sometimes I don’t, but the more I remember my higher power is bigger than me, the more reassured I feel.
I dream of a world where we remember the divine is greater, more powerful, and more capable than we are. A world where we realize those qualities mean miracles can manifest in a multitude of ways. A world where we’re reassured by something bigger than us.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I didn’t sleep well last night so I’m recycling this blogpost from March 2014. It’s a message I need to hear and I’m sure others do as well. It’s a letter to me from my higher power. I’m defining my higher power as an unconditionally loving entity.
I love you. All is well. Your mind is caught up in many things – this and that – a lot of dramas that make life interesting, but in the end they don’t matter. All is well. All is love. Everything is working out the way it’s supposed to. Even your difficulties will pass eventually as you are progressing through your life, learning your lessons, and come more into the fullness of your being.
What a great photo, right? Photo by Stephen Leonardi on Unsplash.
Do not worry about how things will work out; just know they will work out. Do not live in the future where nothing is certain, nothing is guaranteed, and instead enjoy this moment of your life because there will never be another one like it. The future will take care of itself if you take care of yourself. Keep your thoughts optimistic and keep focusing on Me.
There are many things to distract you from realizing your goal, but remember the point of your life is not to acquire fame and wealth. Or kids and a partner. The point of your life is move closer to Me, toward spirit, toward love, toward the universe. The point of your life is to realize yourself not as you are now, but as you are meant to be – an incarnation of a cosmic entity. You are a divine and magnificent being full of wonder and love. Do not let yourself get bogged down by the trappings of human life because they too are an expression of Me.
You are on a path of love, of light, of truth. When you recall that, everything else will slip away because all is well. All is love. I love you and I am with you, now, forever, and always.
I dream of a world where we remember all is well. A world where we keep our minds pointed toward spirit. A world where we take care of ourselves and each other. A world where we detach from the dramas of today because we remember they, too, will pass. A world where we live in the fullness of our being because we know all is well.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Often when I’m praying it ends up resembling a wishlist. For instance, when I’m looking for a new place to live I’ll say, “Higher Power, please help me find a place to live that’s safe, quiet, fits all my belongings, in ____ neighborhood, with laundry onsite, plenty of storage space, and where I can see trees outside my window.” And then I start visualizing and fervently praying – or more like begging – saying “please, please, please” over and over again like a mantra.
And then I get what I asked for. Maybe not exactly – usually the neighborhood is a little further afield than I’d like – but all the other things are there. However, I get things I didn’t want either, like overprotective dogs, loud neighbors, poor insulation, or something else that compels me to leave. The trouble is, I don’t have all the information, and I won’t ever because I’m not omniscient. That leads me to believe that perhaps I don’t know what’s best for me after all and maybe I need to leave that up to an all-knowing entity.
This photo seems to encapsulate my idea of a prayer. Not sure why, but it does.
According to my beliefs, Higher Power, God, Brahma, the universe, whatever label you want, is omniscient, so it seems to me the best thing I can do is to align my will with the universe’s. One of the things that’s different about where I currently live – besides the impossible way it came about – is instead of having a wishlist, every morning I said, “Higher Power, please place me where you want me. I want what you want for me. I don’t know what’s best for me, only you do, so please align my will with yours.” And this apartment is what showed up. It’s everything I wanted and more, like being next door to a friend and within walking distance of a pool. I’m finding that when I leave things up to Higher Power, my wildest dreams are ant-sized compared with what lies ahead.
I have to believe because I did things differently, this living situation will turn out differently. Thus far it has. I moved in less than a week ago and already I’m more unpacked than I was in my last place. It’s not because I have more energy or more help, rather it’s because I want to unpack. I already feel settled in energetically so I want to settle in physically. With my last places, a part of me obviously knew they wouldn’t work out so why bother unpacking? I have to admit I’m still gun shy; I’m still worried something will be horrible about where I’m currently living that will compel me to move, but at least I can say I wasn’t trying to force my will. That instead I was in a state of surrender, acceptance, and openness. That it came about not through wishing but through praying.
I dream of a world where instead of prayers being wishlists we pray to align our will with a power greater than our own. A world where we understand we don’t know all the answers and we won’t ever, so we can’t possibly know what to ask for in the future. A world where we each live in a state of surrender, acceptance, and serenity.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This is a repost from December 2010.
Life can be so dramatic can’t it? I may get caught up in the circumstances of life – of freaking out about spraining my ankle, getting laid off, tumultuous relationships, even death – but ultimately everything is an expression of an infinite loving consciousness. All of it is God, Brahma, Love, my Higher Power. When I remember that I stop falling for illusions.
In Sanskrit, there is a word maya that means just that – illusion. More deeply, maya means all the worldly trappings that distract us. That’s not to say the worldly trappings don’t exist, but really they are like shadows on the wall. They exist but we’re not seeing their true form.
Sometimes I get caught up in the “shadows” (aka, life stuff) and forget to focus on what’s making the shadow.
I skimmed through one of my favorite books, A Return to Love looking for a quote to fit in with this blogpost and I came across, “Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.” The shadows may dance on the wall, but the hand that creates them remains unperturbed.
This post is my effort to return to love. To remind myself what is real. Is it the pain in my ankle? Is it my financial situation? No. They are merely shadows on the wall. The real reality is my higher power, the infinite loving consciousness. My ego likes to pretend otherwise, likes to enjoy the sound and the fury of life, if you will, because that’s the only way my ego will survive.
In truth, I am peace, I am love, I am divine. In truth, all is well, all always was well, all will always be well. No matter the circumstance I go through, no matter the upset, no matter the drama, it’s just noise. The hand creating the shadow is at peace. My soul, my essence remains untouched. Because ultimately love is all there is.
It’s easy to forget and disregard that notion. That everything is an expression of the divine. Especially when life is super dramatic. Except, that’s when I need to pause the most. That’s when I need to jerk my head away from the shadows dancing before me and remind myself where they’re coming from.
I dream of a world where we disengage from the ego’s drama. A world where we bisect the trouble and get to the heart of the matter, which is love is all there is. Even among the violence and upheaval, love is there. Love will always be there. Love always was there. I dream of a world where we know that and feel that and return to that. A world where we focus on the hand creating the shadow rather than the shadow itself.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
For the audio version of this post, scroll to the bottom.
I’ve been sharing this with people and it seems to touch them so I’m sharing it with you too.
I think I was always meant to live in my current space for a short period of time. When I first moved in my mom came down to help me get settled (bless her). We went to every big box store and thrift store around searching for things I would need to make my space more comfortable. Stuff like a standing lamp. We searched everywhere and couldn’t find one. In fact, the closest we came was a lamp at Goodwill that after the employee plugged it in, sparked and gave him an electric shock.
Instead of a standing lamp I’m using this paper lantern, which I had in my closet, so another instance of being taken care of in advance!
I think higher power created a block so I wouldn’t invest in my living space, in this case monetarily. I think I was prevented from finding the more expensive things I needed for this spot in particular because I was never meant to be here long.
When things don’t go my way I rail against the universe, stew in frustration, and think the whole world is against me. I’m seeing, yet again, that perhaps when things don’t go my way, it’s because they’re not supposed to. That actually, even I’m not supposed to go that way. That’s not to say moving in here was a mistake – it wasn’t – but clearly, this is a short-term fling.
Some things require hard work and patience, but I’m starting to see when there’s one road block after another, when the universe keeps putting up signs that say, “Stop. Don’t go this way,” maybe it’s because it’s better for me to not go that way! That not all obstacles are meant to be overcome. That some obstacles are the universe’s way of taking care of me.
I’m focusing on housing in this post, but I think the concept applies to other things too – jobs, relationships, opportunities. Maybe when there’s one obstacle after another after another, higher power is saying, “Turn around.” And maybe when we’re not allowed to invest financially or emotionally it’s because it’s better if we don’t. I can only imagine how angry and bitter I would feel if my landlady blew up at me and asked me to move out after I spent a lot of money fixing my place up and unpacked everything. At the moment, some of my stuff is still in boxes and there are no pictures on the walls. Not to mention, I saved almost all of my moving boxes so obviously on some level I knew this was coming. And even though I don’t enjoy this turn of events, I can still sit back and see how I’m taken care of in advance.
I dream of a world where we understand some obstacles are for our benefit. A world where we realize not every obstacle is meant to be overcome. A world where we understand sometimes things don’t work out and it’s for our own good. A world where we see we’re taken care of in advance.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I thought about writing a really fluffy post but anxiety is roiling in my stomach like a boat sloshing around the sea so this needs to get out and it needs to be shared.
A few weeks ago I wrote, "Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know," and I meant it. I stand by the tools I mentioned and others shared. However, there are some things that bypass rationality and put me in a tailspin. Some things are so deep it doesn't help to bring out my inner warrior, or have compassion for myself, or ask what's the worst that could happen? I guess you would call these my Issues with a capital I. Maybe these are childhood wounds or what I have to work out in this life. For me, one of my issues is security in all its forms — financially, physically, emotionally. If my security is perceived to be threatened, I might as well be a rabid dog locked in a kennel because ain't no way some soothing words will calm me down.
I spoke to a lovely friend about all this and she said when she's afraid it's a part of her speaking up. Not her whole being mind you, just a little part. She also said there's a belief if she's "afraid enough" all her problems will be solved. Like if only she experienced enough fear, then everything will be OK, or it will motivate her to take some action. Then she said, "I have to remind myself fear is not my higher power, my higher power is my higher power."
This is how I sometimes visualize my higher power.
I felt instant relief when she said that because I realized I had been making fear my higher power. I was worshipping at the altar of fear believing it could be my salvation. If I felt X level of fear then I would finally feel secure. What kind of backward thinking is that? (Answer: It's not thinking, it's irrational.)
I've written about this a bajillion times but that's because I remember and then I forget. I cruise along the highway of life in my convertible with the wind blowing in my hair and then I hit a pothole that mangles the axial and my car starts to skid, so I panic and start behaving wildly when actually it would be so much better if I were calm and composed.
I have no answer about all this other than to say it's important for me to bring this to God/the universe/higher power for healing. I cannot transform this behavior on my own, I need divine help and wisdom so these days I pray about it:
My creator, I want that you should have all of me, good and bad. Please help me remember fear doesn't serve me. Please help me stay connected to you and remember what the guiding force is in my life. Please help me to trust in you and remember all is well in my world.
I dream of a world where we surrender our fears and ask for transformation instead of clutching onto them like a child with her favorite toy. I dream of a world where we ask for help when we need it, trusting it will be given to us. A world where we remember a power greater than ourselves. A world where we know when we forget, we'll eventually remember.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.