The profundity of the statement, “Fear is just a feeling,” may have already struck the rest of you, but the awareness came for me the day before yesterday. You see, I had this idea that I’d be able to stockpile my unemployment insurance, that I would be able to earn unemployment while I’m getting severance to guarantee I’ll have enough money to pay rent come February. Not so. I will earn more with severance than with unemployment so no, no extra money for me.
When I discovered this I felt something akin to blind panic. I immediately hopped onto Craigslist and started searching for every conceivable job that has anything to do with writing or editing.
“Maybe I should apply for them all RIGHT NOW. Maybe this is my job. Or this is my job. Or maybe that one.” Never mind that some of them required working knowledge of Photoshop (of which I have none) or experience writing about mutual funds – I must apply anyway!
For me when I feel afraid it’s one of those emotions I do not want to experience. It’s one of those emotions I feel like I must do something immediately to abate. You know what though? Fear is just a feeling. It’s a feeling like joy or anger or gratitude. The feeling itself will not harm me. It’s safe to feel all my feelings, including fear. Fear does not have any power over me unless I let it. Fear is another one of those emotions for me to feel and then give away to my higher power, to transform into love. It’s not my job to combat fear. It’s my job to follow divine guidance and show up for my life.
That’s what I’m doing. Accepting the messages, paying attention to my intuition. I know when a job is right for me. I feel it at the center of my core. Just like I feel that all is well and I’ll be taken care of. My ego may disagree but that’s just what the ego does – it likes to kick up dust storms to remind me it’s still around. I don’t need to worry about my financial situation just because it’s not going according to my plan. I’m meeting with the editor-in-chief of another radiology publication next Wednesday who already knows me and knows my work. My former colleagues are starting their own business ventures relying on their contacts, people they’ve known for decades, and would like me to be a part of the projects.
The opportunities, the right fits are already coming along. I know that either through my Craigslist search or some other way, my higher power will direct me to my right financial situation. So that means I don’t have to use my blind panic as fuel for getting things done. That means I can take inspired action instead. And when the time comes, all I have to do is seize the opportunity.
Do I have physical proof things will work out? That I’ll be taken care of? No, but that’s what faith is. Trusting in a power greater than myself. I don’t know what the future holds but I can say the past has shown me pretty clearly whenever I need money it comes. I can only pray that will continue to be the case. Regardless, fear is just a feeling like all the others. An emotion that I can allow myself to ride through and then be done with.
I dream of a world where we all recognize fear is just feeling. A feeling that hold no power over us. A feeling we can feel and then let go of. A feeling we let a power greater than ourselves transform. I dream of a world where we let love shower us, knowing even as we’re going through emotional rollercoasters, love is there. A world where we practice faith over fear.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
My mind is abuzz. This has been one of the most trying weeks of my life. On top of all the other things I’ve been dealing with, I’m also experiencing emotional upheaval as well as shock and loss because I found out today someone I went to high school with committed suicide.
. . .
All day I’ve been seeing an image of a little rowboat out to sea. I’m sitting in it surrounded by fog and drizzle and darkness. Then the fog clears and I can see I’m not alone in the boat – sitting next to me is my meditation teacher, smiling at me. My always and forever friend, my one true constant. Just there, smiling at me with love.
Because really, love is all there is. I may get caught up in the circumstances of life but ultimately everything is an expression of an infinite loving consciousness. My sprained ankle, getting laid off, tumultuous relationships, even death. All of it is Parama Parusa, God, Brahma, Love. When I remember that I stop falling for illusions.
In Sanskrit there is a word maya that means just that – illusion. More deeply maya means all the worldly trappings that distract us. That’s not to say the worldly trappings don’t exist but really they are like shadows on the wall. They exist but we’re not seeing their true form.
I skimmed through one of my favorite books, A Return to Love looking for a quote to fit in with this blogpost and I came across, “Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.” The shadows may dance on the wall but the hand that creates them remains unperturbed.
This post is my effort to return to love. To remind myself what is real. Is it the pain in my ankle? Is it my financial situation? No. They are merely shadows on the wall. The real reality is Parama Parusa. My higher power. The lord. My ego likes to pretend otherwise. Likes to enjoy the sound and the fury of life, if you will, because that’s the only way my ego will survive.
In truth I am peace, I am love, I am divine. In truth all is well, all always was well, all will always be well. No matter the circumstance I go through, no matter the upset, no matter the drama, it’s just noise. The hand creating the shadow is at peace. My soul, my essence remains untouched. Because ultimately love is all there is.
I don’t always operate with that belief. Sometimes I just pay lip service to the idea because I need to wash my dishes in the sink, and you know people are hungry two blocks away. It’s easy to forget and disregard that love is all there is. That everything is an expression of the divine. Especially when life is super dramatic. That’s when I need to pause the most. That’s when I need to jerk my head away from the shadows dancing before me and remind myself where they’re coming from.
I dream of a world where we disengage from the ego’s drama. A world where we bisect the trouble and get to the heart of the matter, which is love is all there is. Even among the violence and upheaval, love is there. Love will always be there. Love always was there. I dream of a world where we know that and feel that and return to that. A world where we focus on the hand creating the shadow rather than the shadow itself.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This post is an extension of last week’s topic on shame. Last week I realized shame is not seeing myself the way Source sees me. Not viewing myself through the eyes of unconditional love. I also realized guilt is judging myself for doing or not doing something I think I “should.” I started thinking about why guilt and shame come up for me in the first place because if they didn’t serve a purpose, they wouldn’t keep appearing. Then it hit me: I’ve been thinking guilt and shame are my motivators. If I feel badly enough about something then I’ll stop (or start) whatever it is. If I feel badly enough about eating 10 cookies then I’ll stop. If I feel badly enough about my mom making dinner every night I’ll start cooking instead.
Does anyone else think of that kid’s song when they hear, “Shame, shame, shame?” Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, right. Shame. It’s my issue du jour this week. There’s a whole lot of, “Oh my god I can’t believe I did that,” and “What would people think if they found out?!?”
This week I walked into a maelstrom. I made a decision about the upcoming retreat I’m helping to organize and the response has been wide-ranging. Some people have told me I’m completely out of line. That I’m young, naïve, being manipulated, and essentially a spiteful brat. On the other end of the spectrum, people have said they applaud my decision, they respect my stance, and agree with me whole-heartedly.
It would be very easy for me to respond to the negative messages with negative messages in kind. It would be very easy for me to pull a power trip and lash out at those who disagree with me. To respond to them the same way they’re responding to me.
I choose not.
I choose not because I would rather walk toward love, toward light, toward God. I’d rather continue to spiral up and move closer and closer to source energy. Every time I respond to people from a place of fear, or anger, or resentment I turn a little bit further away from the Divine. So instead, I respond to those who call me names with love. I say to them, “Thanks for your concern about my welfare. Thank you for voicing your opinion.” I let them rage on, and on, and on while I continue to walk into the light. I strive ahead with my goal in mind, never losing sight of what I’m hoping to accomplish. I hold onto my vision for this retreat – a place where people can access the divine within as well as without. A place where people spend a solid week turning inward and expanding their feelings of love for all of creation. If people want to join me they are more than welcome.
Lucky for me (and everyone) Brad Yates did an EFT video about embracing the light:
I dream of a world where we all consistently choose love. A world where we rise above the responses of our ego-selves and let love pour through. A world where we walk toward the light, embrace the light, become the light. A world where we move up, up, up, letting our best selves shine through.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I’m just going to be honest. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling sad and frustrated. I’ve been in the space of, “Where is blah di blah? Why isn’t it here yet? Why don’t I have it yet?” Then I want to slip into my fearful controlling place to “make” it happen. But that doesn’t work for me. It never has.
I dream of a world where we all allow ourselves to get what it is we want. A world where we know all our needs and desires will be fulfilled with time. A world where we understand life is about flow and movement and that means letting ourselves be carried. A world where we let ourselves dream big and know those dreams will come true if we let them.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
You may have noticed from reading this blog I’m all about the self-realization. The growth. The change. You may also have noticed I want to get there as quickly as possible. If I’m feeling bad I want to feel good. If I’m feeling crazy I want to feel sane. If I’m feeling scared I want to feel safe. And I want it all to happen immediately. The sooner the better, thanks.
For the past few weeks I’ve been writing about my higher power, redefining my concept as well as my relationship. The whole thing pivots on trust. I’m learning I can trust my higher power and I can put my faith in a power greater than myself. What’s funny is prior to a few weeks ago, I thought I was already doing that! I really thought I trusted my higher power implicitly but I obviously didn’t, otherwise I wouldn’t have lived with so much fear. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been so afraid of the future or what could happen to me.
I think about trust walks. How one person is blindfolded while the other leads him or her around. I think about when I used to do them at group gatherings. I slapped a blindfold on and had no trouble walking at a steady pace because I knew the person pulling my arm would tell me if I were going to run into a tree stump. I knew they wouldn’t let me trip and fall. Because I trusted them. That’s the kind of relationship I’d like to have with my higher power. Unending trust. Complete faith. Total confidence. But right now? I don’t.
I don’t and that’s ok. This week I’ve been sobbing on the phone to my parents and close friends about how I want to trust my higher power implicitly and “OMG why don’t I?? Why don’t I have that relationship yet?!? I want it right now!” I’ve felt upset because I don’t have the relationship I want just yet. (Oh look! It’s the virtue I’ve been trying to learn my whole life: patience!) I’ve felt upset because it seems like now that I know my higher power loves me unconditionally, only wants what’s best for me, wants me to experience joy, I “should” trust it. I “should” feel complete and utter faith. That’s where the title of this post comes in.
I’ve been trying to force myself to be somewhere I’m not and it only causes me pain and frustration. It only causes me to cry and wail. And that’s not working for me so I’m allowing myself to be where I am. To feel what I feel and know it’s all ok. Louise Hay has an affirmation that says, “I am at peace where I am. I accept my good knowing all my needs and desires will be fulfilled.” Yeah. I’m at peace where I am. Knowing my relationship with my higher power will evolve. Knowing in the infinity of life where I am all is perfect, whole and complete. Knowing growth happens at a right and proper pace. Knowing it’s still growth, it’s still progress even if it’s not as fast as I want it to be. I know I’ll get to where I want to be, it just takes a while.
I dream of a world where we all feel at peace where we are. Where we move steady on the path of self-realization but also accept the spot we’re in. A world where we know we’ll get to where we’re going in time and there’s no rush. A world where we allow ourselves to go through the process with ease and grace. A world where we let ourselves be where we are and love the place where’re in. A world where we feel at peace.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I had a conversation with a friend about this on Monday and it seems to be coming up for me as well so I figured it was worth a blogpost. My friend is looking for a place to live and she stumbled across a housing situation that seems like everything she’s been praying for. She said she’s scared to take it though because what if she loves it tremendously and then all of a sudden the whole thing falls apart? What if she experiences happiness unlike any she’s known and then her higher power decides to take it all away? I have that fear too.
I was all set to write a post about how it’s hard for me to accept the good things that come into my life. How it’s hard for me to say, “Ok God, I trust you.” How I’m scared to be in a relationship because what happens if it doesn’t work out? How will I bear that pain? But in even thinking about writing a post like that I felt a switch in my thinking. You know why? Because I deserve to rejoice in life and I accept all the pleasures life has to offer. Also my higher power is not out to get me or to punish me. My higher power wouldn’t say, “Here you go Rebekah. Here are all your dreams come to life,” and then turn around and take it all away from me to be mean. How does that serve anybody?
I realize everything that happens to me, everything is for my good. Is for my own growth and development. Every situation is to strip away all the layers of my ego, all the things that keep me locked in a place of separation from God. That means if my higher power were to take away a housing situation or a boyfriend or whatever, it’s for a damn good reason. It means there is some lesson that will take me to a higher, grander, more beautiful place. It means there is some lesson that will spur me on my path to enlightenment. There is nothing in my life that’s here to cause me undue suffering. There is nothing in my life that’s here to keep me miserable. Nothing.
I think about all the “bad” things that have happened to me like getting a crappy internship in London or not getting the job I really wanted in San Francisco. Looking back I see the good that came out of those situations. My terrible London internship was the first time I realized I would never be happy working for just some random publication, getting up and going to work in the morning. My terrible London internship was also the key moment I realized I wanted to use my words for good, for more than just making money.
The job I wanted so desperately in SF? It turns out if I got that job I would have been laid off. That entire magazine folded so really it’s quite lucky I’m working where I am.
I guess that’s what this post is about. Really synthesizing my new definition of a higher power. You know why? Because my higher power loves me. My higher power knows what’s in my best interest better than I do. My higher power wants me to experience joy and happiness and that means accepting the good things too. That means saying yes to an awesome relationship or an awesome living situation or an awesome job. That means saying yes to life, being unafraid because my higher power doesn’t take away things to spite me.
This is me saying I accept my good. I accept the good things coming into my life. I accept all the pleasures life has to offer. I accept and trust and believe my dreams will come true. And I also know if they don’t, that just means my higher power has something even better in store for me.
I dream of a world where we all feel it is safe for us to accept the good things in life. A world where we trust everything that happens is for our own self-realization. A world where we know the good things will stay in our lives as long as they serve us. A world where we know ultimately our higher power only wants us to be happy and that means accepting the good things that come our way.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.