On Tuesday I said to a friend of mine one of my greatest fears is that I can’t trust my higher power. He said in response, “Sounds like you need to redefine your higher power.”
Whoa. He was right. I’ve been paying lip service to the idea of an unconditionally loving God/Brahma/the Universe/higher power, but if one of my fears is I can’t trust HP then obviously I need to look at what my concept of God is a little more.
What I mean to say is I’ve been afraid to trust my higher power, afraid my higher power is merely playing with me like a cat bats around a mouse. I’ve been afraid to trust and accept what my higher power has been saying to me. For instance, a few years ago I felt unsure whether or not moving to San Francisco would be in my best interest. I oscillated about it for months but my higher power sent me sign after sign, message after message about San Francisco. It was God’s way of saying, “Yes, Rebekah, this is what I want for you.” It was hard for me to accept that. Hard for me to swallow because, “What if my higher power is wrong? What if God is only playing with me and I move to San Francisco and it’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made?” Because there was a lack of trust on my end.
A part of me has held onto this belief God is the Great Punisher, or a Santa Claus figure. A part of me has held onto the belief God does certain things as retribution. To punish me for my sins, to reprimand me like a parent scolds a child. A teeny part of me has carried the notion God hates me. Bad things happen because God hates me. I didn’t get that job working for a travel magazine because God hates me.
Oy vey. Something doesn’t add up here. Either God loves me unconditionally and only wants what’s best for me or God is Santa Claus, putting coal in my stocking when I’m bad and giving me a Barbie when I’m good. Which is it?
I much prefer the unconditionally loving version, thanks. Because honestly, if life is about enlightenment, moksa, liberation, nirvana, becoming one with the Supreme, how does that work with a Santa Claus God? I know for me it only pushes me further away. If God is mean and cruel and spiteful I sure as heck don’t want to be united with God. I sure as heck don’t want to trust an entity like that. Therefore, God must be unconditionally loving and that means I can trust my higher power. It means it’s safe for me to do so. It means God will not pull the rug out from under me all of a sudden. It means God won’t say to me repeatedly, “Move to San Francisco, move to San Francisco. Oh wait, now that you’re there I’m going to abandon you.” It means accepting what my higher power is telling me. It means accepting all the good things in my life because God really wants me to be happy. It means God really does want my dreams to come true. It means when God says, “Rebekah, this is going to happen,” I can stop thinking there’s a catch. I can stop asking, “Really? Really?” Because I keep getting a resounding, “Yes.”
This is me saying because I believe in a kind loving God I can live without fear. Because I believe in a loving higher power I know I am safe, it is safe to be me. I know the future is nothing to be feared or controlled and the present is something to be enjoyed. Because I believe in an unconditionally loving entity, it is safe for me to trust and accept what’s being conveyed to me. God doesn’t “mess” with people because God would have no reason to. Messing with someone would only cause them to turn their back on God and how does that serve anyone? Instead God really does give us what we want even if it takes a while.
I dream of a world where we trust ourselves and we trust our higher power. A world where we know it’s safe to walk forward in life and to accept what’s being told to us. A world where we know we are loved unconditionally and that means being treated with love. A world where we accept the good things that come into our life because we know the universe only ever wants us to be happy.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I left work early on Monday because I was experiencing some physical pain. As I walked home I felt overcome with guilt, even though my pain was legitimate. I felt guilty because I’ve been putting myself above work recently, taking time off to deal with a pinched nerve or an illness or whatever, and I didn’t feel like I “should,” or that was the “right” way to do things.
Last week I wrote about taking care of the self, which I obviously believe in otherwise I wouldn’t have left work early, but the guilt, oh the guilt, that’s another story.
I have an ex-Catholic daddy and a Jewish momma so guilt is practically second nature to me. This is not to say every Jew or Catholic lays on the guilt but it certainly was the case in my household. (By the way, I’m not blaming my parents because everyone is the victim of a victim. It’s how they were raised and what they know and I don’t fault them in the least. But I can choose to not make guilt a part of my life.)
Guilt is a kind of coercion into certain behavior because if you feel bad you’ll act a certain way, the thinking goes. For instance, if I feel guilty about leaving work early, I won’t do it again. Except that’s not really true. I felt guilty but did it anyway, so in essence guilt is useless. Guilt only makes me feel bad.
Underpinning guilt I think are “shoulds” and “should nots.” As I walked home from work on Monday a litany of “shoulds” filled my head: “I should have stayed at work. I should have pushed through the pain. I shouldn’t have left. I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t take so much time off,” etc. I felt guilty because I wasn’t following my shoulds.
Louise Hay says in “You Can Heal Your Life:”
“I believe should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying “wrong.” Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don’t think we need more wrongs in our life. We need to have more freedom of choice. I would like to take the word should and remove it from the vocabulary forever. I’d replace it with the word could. Could gives us choice, and we are never wrong.”
I quite agree. What I’m realizing is there are no “mistakes,” only choices. There is no right or wrong, there is no perfect, there is no one way to be. Only choice. Only possibility. In essence guilt gives me the opposite message. Guilt tells me there is a right way and a wrong way and if I choose wrong, look out because the world is going to end and no one will love me and I’ll die alone in a shack in the middle of the woods and God will hate me forever and ever.
Oh wait.
I’ve felt guilty about many, many things, and as of yet the world hasn’t stopped spinning. I think it’s safe to say my acts of “wrongdoing” will not result in a catastrophic end to all humankind. So you know I don’t have to feel guilty anymore. In fact, I choose to not feel guilty anymore because instead I recognize my life is open and uninhibited. I recognize there are consequences for every action but fundamentally everything is a choice. Some choices I may like better than others but everything is a choice nonetheless. Thus “guilt” and “should” can vanish like vapor — I’d rather live in peace and harmony if you don’t mind.
I dream of a world where people recognize all the freedom to their lives. A world where people understand life is a series of choices and there are many ways of doing things and seeing things. A world where people give themselves a break and follow their intuition no matter what others say. A world where people take care of themselves and each other. A world where we live together in peace and harmony.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I used to believe I had to “conquer” my fears. I used to be of the mindset I had to squash doubt flat, or wrestle with my other issues until I won. That I had to assert my will and come out the victor. I realized a while ago that’s not the case at all.
In January I wrote a journal entry I’ve been meaning to share but haven’t yet:
Jan. 27, 2010
I realized tonight this fear is not mine, it doesn’t belong to me. I’ve been trying to take ownership of it. To claim it. To bust through it. To work around it. But it’s like a blind man getting caught tangled in a cloak. I’ve been trying to chew holes in it and rip it apart, but ultimately can’t get rid of it until I just take it off, recognizing it doesn’t belong to me. Because it doesn’t. There’s no use in trying to work with or tame fear – it can’t be tamed. Only released. It was never mine to begin with. It always belonged to God so I give it back to its rightful owner, where God can transmute it into love. That was never my responsibility. My only job was to let it go, to surrender.
While that particular journal entry was about fear I think it can apply to anything and everything. I don’t ever really “work through” my issues so much as release them. Some people would say to me, “Yes, but Rebekah, the only way to get rid of a fear like public speaking is to just go out and do it. Take a class and practice.” I would say let’s take a look at what’s really going on. What happens when we practice something like public speaking? We decide it’s not as scary as we thought. Because we’re doing what scares us, we realize it’s not so bad. We release the fear in our mind. So again, the point of power, the point of change, is in the mind, not the action.
Whenever I talk about surrender and release someone invariably says to me, “Yes but you still have to do stuff. You can’t just sit around.” Sometimes I think we confuse surrender and avoidance. Avoidance is fear-based. When I avoid something it’s because I’m afraid, I don’t want to do it, whatever. If I were to say, “I surrender my fear of public speaking,” and then refuse to speak in public whenever I’m given the opportunity, that’s not really surrendering the fear, is it? That’s avoidance.
Surrender means to release, to let go, to no longer fight. When I surrender fear and doubt I release them to love. I give them to infinite love. I no longer wrestle with them using my ego, or the willful part of me. The part of me that thinks I handle everything by myself, the part of me that thinks I am separate from everyone and everything else. Essentially the part of me that disconnects from all-pervasive love.
When I surrender, when I release, when I let go, I transcend all those issues. I transcend my little “I” and my little “I” issues and instead remember all is love. Instead I remember I am love incarnate.
I dream of a world where instead of “working” on our issues we just let them go. A world where we remember we are divine, magnificent beings and our true nature is love. A world where we see ourselves for who we really are – embodiments of love. A world where we transcend all that is unlike love and live in a place of peace and harmony.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Today I am tired. And crabby. And my hair is sticking up all over the place. But you know what? I love myself anyway. Even though I feel all those things, even though my physical appearance is not what I’d like, I still love myself. And that is practically a miracle. (Actually Marianne Williamson would say it is a miracle.)
In September I wrote a post on being in a funk but knowing God loves me anyway. Today I’m in a funk and I love myself anyway. Woohoo progress!
Several months ago I had a conversation with a friend of a friend and I told him it’s my wish everyone felt beautiful. He told me in no uncertain terms that was a horrible idea, and if everyone went around loving themselves and accepting themselves as they are, the world would be filled with fat and lazy people.
You know, I don’t blame him for thinking that way. I too used to think in order to become “perfect,” in order to realize my full potential, I had to criticize myself. Yell at myself for making mistakes. Chip away all the “bad” parts to get to the good. Because if I’m not critical how on Earth will I change?? How will I become better?? If I accept myself as I am that means I’m ok with being me and who I am right now is not ok!! I must be better!
The human mind is very simple. As you think, so you become. If you constantly think you’re not good enough, that you’re stupid, that you make mistakes, that’s precisely the reality you’ll create. Constant criticism means you’ll constantly find something to criticize.
Love on the other hand? Love allows us room to flourish. My friend’s friend worried if we all loved ourselves, thought of ourselves as beautiful just because we exist, we’d become hedonistic. We’d indulge every whim. That my friends? Is not self-love. Loving the self means taking loving care of the self. It means giving the self proper food and exercise and attention. Eating ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner is not self-love.
The crazy contrary thing about loving and accepting the self is that’s when change happens. With love I feel safe and secure. With love my control issues have slipped away. With love I’m releasing my fears. With love I feel more patient. With love I recognize when an issue is not mine. With love I’m able to remain more even keel in the face of adversity. With love my physical appearance has also changed. In short, with love I’ve become the person I always wanted to be.
I don’t know I’m articulating this well but I guess I mean to say I am more at ease with my life and who I am now because I love myself. Even when I make certain choices, I love myself. I love all parts of me. Every part is a divine expression of life no better or worse than the other.
I dream of a world where we love ourselves unconditionally. A world where we allow ourselves to thrive under the auspices of love. A world where we recognize ourselves for the divine, magnificent beings we are. Beings who experience a wide range of emotions and physical states. Beings who are love incarnate. I dream of a world where we come to know that, a world where we realize love is all there is.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I didn’t intend to write this today. If you read AWIP regularly you know I blog on Thursdays and today is Monday but here I am writing anyway. I’m writing because some things are coming up and I think it might be fruitful to share them.
On Saturday I hosted an EFT workshop through the meetup group I started as a real-life extension of this blog. (P.S. Thanks to everyone who attended!) Anyway, one of the attendees became really upset because I neglected to tell the group the event took place at a yoga studio and thus people would be sitting on the floor. It ended up being fine because not only does the studio have bolsters, yoga mats, blankets, and pillows, but there is also a bench and a few office chairs. So the attendee didn’t have to sit on the floor, it all worked out, but I am still feeling upset about it two days later.
What I’m doing is I’m punishing myself. I’m whipping myself for not telling people about the space even though I had the thought to do so. I’m beating myself up because, “I should have known better! Why didn’t I tell them! I’m a horrible person!” but really the event is a stand in for all the other mistakes I’ve made in my life. The incident is a stand in for when I cut in line seven years ago to hear the Dalai Lama speak at the National Cathedral. It’s a stand in for when my sister and I wrote letters to a pair of brothers when I was 12 (me asking to be friends, her to profess her crush) and the mother came up to me saying how inappropriate it was. The incident is a stand in for that one time in 5th grade when I changed the answers to my test as we went over it in class so I could make an A. The list goes on.
For me, whenever I make a mistake I always feel so bad about it – I blow it way out of proportion and then I try to rationalize it away by saying, “Well I didn’t know any better.” Or, “I did the best I could at the time.” Or, “We all make mistakes, I’m only human.” What I learned from the workshop this weekend is it’s important to acknowledge the mistake or bad feeling or whatever, so I can move past it.
Why am I writing this blogpost? I guess because the other thing I learned from the EFT workshop is to say to myself, “Even though I did/did not __________, I deeply and completely love and approve of and accept myself.” Somewhere in my life I picked up the message mistakes equals bad and how can you love a bad person?!?
As I write this I want to weep because it’s true – I really have been thinking the only way I deserve love is if I’m perfect. The past few months have produced cracks in that thinking but it’s there nonetheless, otherwise I wouldn’t still be upset I forgot to tell people they would be sitting on the floor. I also know this whole incident is an opportunity to expose this, to shine the light of day on something I’ve wanted to avoid. Because I am still deserving of self-love, no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter what I think. This isn’t license for me to run around harming people – I take a daily oath not to do so – but it is a license to allow myself to be human, to make mistakes and say, “I love you anyway.”
I dream of a world where we can all love ourselves unconditionally no matter what. Where we allow ourselves to make mistakes, to grow, to become masters. A world where we dust off all things that do not serve us so the diamond within may shine. A world where we can acknowledge our faults and not expect ourselves to be perfect. A world where we look in the mirror and say, “I love you no matter what.”
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
More than a week ago I wrote about releasing doubt. The thing is I’m still releasing it. And that’s ok. I previously wrote a post about spiraling up, about how the same issues keep coming up for us but we’re not in the same place we were before. In fact, it’s like we’re spiraling up a mountain. I guess I want to say I’m giving myself a break for not being over all my issues RIGHT THIS SECOND. Because sometimes things take a while. I’m human and I’ve lived in a certain reality where I felt things like fear, and doubt, and judgment for 25 years. So maybe it’s going to take more than one act of surrender and release to feel safe, trusting, and unconditionally loving. Maybe it’s going to take multiple times before the lesson sticks. It doesn’t make me a bad person or stupid or slow. I am who I am and I learn at the pace I learn. Sometimes it’s faster, sometimes it’s slower.
I think back to a conversation I had with a friend of mine a while ago and he said to me, “Life is about mastery. Learning a lesson and then applying it whenever fear comes up or doubt comes up. Because they will.” That makes complete sense, how life is about mastering lessons. It’s already applicable in something like playing an instrument. Most people have to practice a lot before they can play well. There are some people who can pick up a guitar and play like virtuosos after one lesson but those people are rare. Most of us have to practice. For most of us it takes time to become masters. Why would relinquishing fear/doubt/control/judgment/impatience be much different?
This is me saying I’m one of those people who take time to master a lesson. I’m one of those people who have to keep applying what I’ve learned. I’m one of those people who have to practice before I can rock out to Jimi Hendrix’s “The Star-Spangled Banner.” I think ultimately that’s what’s important – not how long it takes me to learn a lesson but that I learn it. And I will. Day by day, little by little, when my deep underlying issues crop up, I tap them away, I affirm them away, and ultimately I release them to love.
I dream of a world where we cut ourselves some slack for spiraling up. A world where we know sometimes things take time and that’s ok. A world where we unconditionally love ourselves no matter how long it takes for us to learn a lesson. A world where we recognize we are becoming masters in our own way and eventually we will all get there.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I think back to a conversation I had with a friend of mine roughly five years ago. She and I chatted on AIM about our respective boy troubles and I remember this moment of profundity when I said to her, “I think our search for relationships is really our quest for the divine.” I realized actually what I sought was divine love, a spiritual communion, unconditional love from an infinite source. And I kept looking for it externally in the arms of someone else when it already existed within me.
I don’t think my friend agreed with me but it brings me back to my realization the other night. I’ve been going on and on for the past few months about loving the self, about looking in the mirror and saying, “I love you,” but I’ve been downplaying the love from my higher power. The love that is always around me, unconditional, ever present.
The other night I felt such grace because I knew, “I am already loved.” I am loved for who I am in this moment. I don’t need to “seek” it. I don’t need to try to find it or run from person to person to see if they’ll give it to me. I already have it. Unconditionally. Eternally. My higher power loves me no matter what I do. No matter what I say. No matter what I feel. I don’t need to be a “good girl” or ace all my tests or lose 10 pounds. I am already loved just as I am.
I think of that scene in Bridget Jones’s Diary when Colin Firth says to Renee Zellweger, “I like you very much just as you are.” Rehashing it with her friends later they say, “Just as you are? Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts and a slightly smaller nose?” Renee shakes her head, “No.” Her friends are dumbfounded.
I think her friends are so perplexed because in our society we’re given the message we need to change in order to be loved. We need to be thinner, cleverer, prettier, whatever. (And often the messages are conflicting.) Rarely are we told, “I love you just as you are.” (Because honestly, if we were why would we need to buy so many things?)
It’s comforting and provides such peace to know I am loved unconditionally, and not just by my mother. There is a force out there that loves me more than I can even comprehend. But I’m willing to try. I’m willing to tap into the well of love that’s ever present and really feel it as much as I can.
I dream of a world where we feel unconditionally loved all the time. A world where we know we are magnificent just as we are. A world where we love ourselves and each other no matter what. A world where we experience true peace and comfort and serenity knowing we love ourselves and God loves us too. A world where love trumps all else.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This week the only thing I can talk about is surrender. I know I’ve written about surrender many times before but this week is the first time I think I really got it.
In the past when I spoke of surrender it was usually in the context of a last-ditch effort. As in, “Well, nothing else has worked, so I’ll give this surrender thing a shot.” In the past I’ve been willing to surrender certain things but not others. It’s as if I said to the Universe, “I’ll surrender the job piece but the relationship part? I’ve got it covered.” Some things felt too important to give up, to release control of. Because if I gave up control that means it wouldn’t come true! How could I trust anyone other than me with something so precious?!? (But I’ve also learned this is not the case and invariably my dreams are ant-sized compared to what God has in store for me.)
So I’ve been approaching surrender in a piecemeal way and usually surrendering because I made myself so crazy I couldn’t do anything else. Surrender in some ways became synonymous with giving up. “Lord, I can’t take this anymore so I’m just giving it to you.” It’s only when I reached my breaking point that I would let go. I had been surrendering out of frustration.
This week I took a step beyond that. Now I’m surrendering not because I’m frustrated or have reached a breaking point or I’m expecting the Lord to handle things but because I want peace. I don’t know how everyone else’s mind works but I know for me when I’m not surrendering it’s like a giant game of Risk. “If I do this, then this will happen.” My mind becomes a whirlwind of ceaseless chatter and strategizing. I get incredibly controlling and obsessive because my mind keeps circling on the same things over and over again. This week I’m surrendering because I want the chatter to end. I want to feel at peace. I’m turning my will and my life over to the care of God because I’d rather live in a state of peace and serenity than manipulation and noise.
Now that I’m letting go of more my ego is flipping out. The ego, my “me-ness” is all about control and fear and manipulation. My ego is all about separation and division so when I start talking about all being love and seeing the interconnectedness of all things my ego starts to rebel. Because it knows it’s about to be obliterated. My ego knows it’s about to die so it’s freaking out. I liken true surrender to a salt doll melting in the ocean. Once it’s melted, the doll no longer exists. Once I’m completely surrendered to the universal energy that runs through all things “I” don’t really exist because everything is me and I am everything. My ego knows this about surrender and starts struggling for survival. Fear raises its ugly head.
As I contemplated this last night, contemplated my fear of losing my sense of self I realized several things. One, just because I surrender completely and totally, meaning I give my entire self to God and not just certain things and situations, it’s not like my life ends. I mean, maybe I’ll leave my physical body the very next moment but more likely when I wake up tomorrow I’ll still be here. I’ll still have to go to work. I’ll still have to intake air and food and water. In all likelihood my exterior life won’t look much different. And I still have a purpose on this earth, a mission to fulfill, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. My life will continue on. The only difference is my mind. And that’s the second realization I came to.
I realized by surrendering the only thing I’m really giving up is the constant chatter in my head, my crazy scheming/planning/manipulations and my fear. I’m giving up the things I don’t enjoy anyway. I’m giving up the things that drive me to my higher power in the first place. Surrendering completely is the death of my ego but it’s not the death of me. It’s more like finally meeting the person I always knew existed inside. It’s more like letting the all-pervasive love flow through me. And in this state I feel such grace, a grace and peace I dream of for others as well.
I dream of a world where we give our higher power the reigns in our lives. A world where we choose to swim in the ocean of love knowing all is well and all is God. A world where we surrender our entire selves knowing when we do so we’ll experience utmost peace and serenity. A world where we let our bright inner lights shine unobstructed. A world where we surrender to the cosmic consciousness knowing it spells not the end for us but merely the beginning.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Last week I wrote about releasing fear and returning to love. This week has been an application of that lesson, especially as it relates to things I would deem horrific, such as the earthquake in Haiti.
On Saturday I continued reading Marianne Williamson’s A Return To Love. As I sat on the BART train on my way to meet a friend it occurred to me everyone and everything is love. I really felt it. As I looked around I saw how every person, all the seats, metal poles, etc. were love incarnate. I saw how every being is a manifestation of love and the only thing that keeps us from recognizing that all the time is the ego. I saw a woman biting her nails on the train and as I looked at her I realized she and the passengers around her saw themselves as separate. Separate from each other. Separate from an all-pervasive love. They didn’t understand just how big they truly are. How they are love incarnate. Created out of love, steeped in love. How they are God. They are beauty. How a magnificent power runs through them and everyone else and the ego keeps us from feeling that way. (Or conversely we do think we are powerful but attribute the power to ourselves and not to God.) The ego keeps us thinking about well, just ourselves and our lives. That’s what the ego is. The “I” feeling.
I was in such an altered state on Saturday it was hard for me to get out of the BART station. My body had to go on autopilot because as I looked around all I could see was love. I could barely function. I walked into Walgreens to kill time and bought a Luna bar and as I approached the clerk I had a broad smile on my face because I didn’t see him for him, I saw him for the lovely divine being he is. I was so open and uninhibited the clerk smiled back at me and started asking me about my day. My seeing him as love brought out that feeling for him as well. It was contagious.
At the same time I couldn’t stay in that state (or at least I chose not to) because it was hard to stay grounded. I felt like a total space cadet. But I kept the truth and the knowledge every person is love and comes from love with me throughout the week. On Tuesday the earthquake hit Port-Au-Prince and I wanted to weep. How can I reconcile all is love when natural disasters like this happen? When people die and lose their homes? I’m still working on it. I don’t have all the answers and what resonates for me may not for everyone else. But these are the conclusions I’ve come to thus far.
My ego is what places value judgments. My ego decides what is “good” and what is “bad.” What’s helpful and what’s harmful. On the spiritual plane? There is no good or bad. There just is. Things just happen. Period. When it comes to natural disasters the Earth is just doing its thing. Responding to laws that I only mildly understand but laws nonetheless. The real issue I think is my perception. A part of me thinks love can only be “good” things like rainbows and butterflies and kittens. In truth though love is the “bad” things too.
Perhaps it’s time to take out my value judgments, my ideas of what love looks and see that things I don’t like can also be love. Perhaps it’s time to start seeing things more neutrally as just things that happen. To understand I may not like all the turn of events in the world but to understand they are still God, they are still love. Sometimes things like earthquakes just happen.
I also feel it’s important to point out here war, poverty, hunger, etc are due to a lack of love on our part. I understand God is not Santa Claus, doesn’t punish and reward people. Doesn’t create war. That’s what we do. We are the righteous ones deciding who is good and who is bad. We are the ones who create non-natural disasters. God is much more neutral, a potentiality that can go either way. I vote we use the potential to create something that benefits as many beings as possible.
I dream of a world where our ego blinders fall off and we each see the other as the creatures of love we are. I dream of a world where our perceptions change and we start seeing things more neutrally. I dream of a world where because we feel so much love for ourselves and everyone around us we help each other out. We live in a society where there is plenty of food to eat, safe places to live, good medical care for all, and everyone receives an excellent education. I dream of a world so filled with love it’s like living in a utopia.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I can say unequivocally my entire life I’ve had the fear I would be overpowered. I’ve been afraid someone would come in and overwhelm me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. During the holidays I had a major breakthrough and it’s a fear I carry no more.
I’ve written before about looking fear in the face and seeing that perhaps our greatest fears are not as horrible as we’ve imagined. During the holidays I came to several realizations beyond that.
One, I realized I’ve already lived through all my greatest fears. Not having a job or a place to live? Check. Hello 2008. Losing someone I’ve loved? Triple check. The thing is I went through my greatest fears and lived to tell the tale. I realize I’ve been using fear as a way to protect myself because somehow I thought feeling afraid would keep me safe, or keep things from happening. As if being scared a snake will bite me will keep it from happening. (Um, it won’t.)
Obviously this past year I’ve come to realize the power of my mind. How the thoughts I think have an effect. I’ve come to realize I am a co-creator in my life. So recognizing that, I know I can create for myself a world where people are out to get me, where I’ll be overpowered, where others will harm me, or not. I can create for myself a world where I’m terrified (and quite possibly attract what I’m most scared of), or I can create something else. I can choose to believe I am safe, secure and protected. I can choose to believe I am divinely guided at each and every moment. I can choose to believe I can get through anything. And I already have.
Tapping along with this EFT video I started to believe and affirm for myself I can handle life. That there is nothing for me to be afraid of because even if I get bitten by a snake I’ll deal with it then. What’s the use of feeling afraid now? During the holidays I reminded myself I am fully capable of dealing with anything and everything so I don’t have to feel afraid. Instead I can walk around feeling calm and confident, taking life on life’s terms. Releasing my fear is pretty much a culmination of everything I’ve been talking about for the past year: releasing my need for control, trusting in a power greater than myself, co-creating my own reality, being present and in the moment. It all came together between Christmas and New Year’s.
The big breakthrough though occurred when I went to a yoga and meditation retreat in
Lastly, I finally understood love is all there is. That underneath my currents of fear, sadness, anger, etc., is a river of love. I realized my ego constructs all my other emotions and they act as an overlay for the love beneath. My ego masks the ever-present pure love surrounding me. I realized I am in the divine flow and in the divine flow there can be no harm, only love. Love is all there is.
And so I dream of a world where we release all that is unlike love in our minds and our bodies. A world where we deeply and completely love and approve and accept ourselves. A world where we release our need for fear because instead we recognize we are love. I dream of a world where we swim in the divine current, letting ourselves be carried, knowing we can handle life. A world where we feel the all-pervasive love surrounding us. A world where we return to love letting our fears wash away like the ocean smoothing out a beach.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.