If you're here after reading my post on Tiny Buddha, welcome! There's not much you need to know about me other than I'm an idealist but feel free to poke around.
This weekend I've been in New Hampshire to attend a wedding for some friends of mine. A few months ago I wrote a post about feeling at peace where I am, and this weekend has been the proof in the pudding. Normally when I attend a wedding I lament that I'm all by myself, that I don't have a boyfriend yet, blah, blah, blah. This weekend was the complete antithesis because even though I was on my own I didn't feel apart from, I felt a part of a group. I felt cloaked in kinship and oneness with those around me. So often we talk about "one" being the loneliest number but we also lionize being at one with nature, being at one with ourselves. It's become synonymous with peace and tranqulity. So maybe "one" is not such a bad number.
I booked a hotel fairly far away from downtown not by choice but more through happenstance. I didn't rent a car but rather counted on the fact other people would shuttle me around, and they did. I felt so taken care of by those around me nothing seemed missing at all. At the wedding I sat at a table full of my friends so it didn't even occur to me I would need a date. Because I didn't. I was full of friendship and love.
Being dateless at a wedding has become tantamount to wearing white after Labor Day — it's something we're not "supposed" to do and yet so many of us do it anyway. I've noticed in U.S. culture we like to partner up and then move somewhere to start a family. Maybe this is a model based on the Wild West when in order to populate the nation people had to couple up and move far away. But that's not the case anymore. Now it's more beneficial to have a support system, which allows for people to live on their own because they don't have to rely on only one other person. What I've noticed is as I've sought to meet my needs in my community my desire for partnership has lessened. One doesn't feel like the lonelinest number because there are so many other people I can turn to. There are so many other options for help. There is so much love for me spread out all over the place that it doesn't need to be concentrated within one other person — it's been diluted in many.
I am very tired and very sick so I don't know how well my point is coming across, but in essence I'm finally understanding — and living — the idea being alone is not the horrible state I was making it out to be. It hasn't made me a pariah. It hasn't made me less of a person. I think it's mostly because I feel very loved and very included wherever I go, even if I'm all by myself. And I feel this way after a wedding, a time that I used to feel my single status most acutely. It's my wish that other people will come to the same realization I did.
I dream of a world where everyone feels loved, held, and whole. A world where everyone gets their needs met whether they're in a relationship or not. A world where we all feel a sense of community and kinship. A world where we understand one is not the lonelinest number after all.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
I almost don’t want to write about this because it’s so personal, but my unofficial modus operandi is to share personal things in the hopes it will be helpful to others. And I keep thinking about the quote that’s on the bottom of a friend’s e-mail: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” So here goes! My secret!
You may have noticed I’ve been a bit, er, obsessed about romantic love. Many of you have been on the receiving end of complaints about my love life, lamenting the lack thereof. And there was many a night I ached for a partner so much I cried. When I want something I want it fiercely, and a relationship has been no different. There really was a part of me that believed my life wouldn’t feel complete without a partner. That I was missing out on some amazing and magical phenomena that everyone else got to experience. It hasn’t helped I’ve been fed a steady diet of rom coms and love stories that portrayed finding “the one” as the most important and noble goal of life. Most of the stories ended of course when the couple got together, very few showing what it’s like in the day to day. Probably because it’s not as exciting.
Because I wanted romantic love so intensely I did everything to try to get it. I said affirmations, tried online dating, read books, stopped looking because “that’s when I’d find my partner,” felt happy as I was because “that’s when my man would come along,” prayed about it, tried to forget about it, used the law of attraction, focus wheels, created romance for myself, etc. You name it, I did it. Admitting that I feel a bit ashamed, but I also know shame is judging myself for how I think others will view me, and seriously, who hasn’t experienced at least a little bit of what I just described? For 15 years I really thought there was some formula I could follow to bring a man into my life. So the really amazing thing is I’ve stopped.
That’s right. I’ve let it all go. I’m no longer pining after a man either secretly or publicly. I no longer feel a great big void in my chest. For the first time I feel at peace where I am romantically, and I don’t mean I’m pretending to feel at peace because that will bring me my match, I mean I really feel at peace. I no longer feel lack in my life. Everything I thought I needed a partner for is already happening – my housemates make dinner for me, I travel to foreign countries with friends, and I already experience love from so many different people in different ways. I’m no longer dreaming of the day when “Prince Charming” swoops in and saves me.
This may sound a little depressing, but at this point I’ve also come to accept my romantic relationship may never happen. Somehow by accepting that, by facing down one of my biggest fears of being a “spinster,” I’m ok with whatever happens. I’m ok with being single and I’m ok with being a wife. I’m really ok with all possibilities because I know all of this is completely out of my control. I thought I could shop for a man like I could shop for shoes because that’s what society has led me to believe, but it’s not true. There must be some divine mystical force behind all of it because if there wasn’t, I would have coupled up long ago.
I’m inspired because I finally feel at peace. I’m inspired because I never thought I’d be happy being single and now I finally am, really and truly. I’m inspired because I no longer pine after men hoping they’ll pick me. I’m inspired because for the first time EVER, being in a relationship doesn’t seem like the be-all, end-all I was making it out to be.
I dream of a world where we can all feel at peace where we are, not trying to feel one way or another. A world where we know we don’t lack for anything. A world where we live in the moment feeling grateful for what we have. A world where we know love is not something we find, but rather something that finds us.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Maybe it’s the perfectionist in me, but whenever something goes wrong in any of my relationships I assume it’s my fault. It’s because I’m weird or said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing. I am always to blame. Except. . .I’m not.
I had an encounter with a friend last week that showed me other people are to blame too. I’m not always the bad guy. Yeah, I “knew” other people had flaws but somehow they didn’t register because the really flawed people I don’t associate with. I somehow assumed everyone around me was near perfect because they didn’t club baby seals. My rose-colored glasses finally fell off when I looked at my friend and really saw him. He can be impulsive and live completely in the now, which means he doesn’t always think things through. A little part of me worries about typing that because, “What will my friend think?” but honestly he probably won’t think much because — it’s ok for me to not be “perfect” and it’s ok for other people to not be perfect as well. We’re human. We all have our character flaws. All of us. Even the really nice lovely people. Even those we cherish the most. So when I’m fighting with someone, no, I’m not solely to blame. No, I’m not the only one who makes mistakes. I’m not the only screw up in the room.
Other people have free will, other people are allowed to make choices and mess up, and yeah, that will affect me. No one else has all the answers or “acts perfectly” or has it all figured out. No one else has a manual for how to go through life. I thought they did, I felt like an alien invader, but now I realize everyone else is just trying to figure it out too. Some people put on a better show than others, but really everyone is just doing their best putting one foot in front of the other.
I guess I’m saying I finally understand relationships involve other people. (Duh Rebekah!) Other people are allowed to air their dirty laundry, to play out their character defects, to blunder through life. I don’t have to hold myself to a different standard, either higher or lower. People are going to be who they are and oftentimes it has nothing to do with me. I didn’t do anything wrong, I didn’t elicit a certain response. People are just. . .people.
I’m not conveying it very well but I feel such relief because I finally know my part in things, and it’s not everything. I finally understand how much is my stuff and how much is other people’s stuff. What a relief to not constantly take ownership of other people’s flaws! What a relief to acknowledge where I went wrong and where other people went wrong! Not with judgment but with acceptance. What a relief to say, “Oh, I see, they’re being impulsive, or acting out their control issues, or miring in entitlement,” or whatever and realize it’s theirs. To be living completely attuned to myself. What a gift.
I dream of a world where we can recognize people as people. A world where we understand everyone is doing their best, everyone has their character kinks they’re working on. A world where we understand what belongs to us and what belongs to other people. A world where we live on our side of the street, knowing it’s more than enough to take care of.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This week I fell into a tizzy. I submitted the first 10 pages of my book Just a Girl From Kansas to a professional copy editor and she chopped out all the parts I felt were important. It wasn’t so much her suggested edits, but her deletions that got to me. I felt like she didn’t “get” me at all. I cried about it, I wrung my hands, I went into a tailspin questioning my abilities as a writer. Perhaps this copy editor knew better than I did. After all, she is a professional. Maybe I better listen to her and disregard my intuition.
. . .
No. Just no. Copy editing, like all other relationships, requires the right match. I sent the first 10 pages to a former colleague of mine, who’s also a copy editor, and she got it. She got me. I wasn’t bothered by her changes because she kept my heart intact. I didn’t feel threatened or insecure. I felt pretty comfortable, actually. Obviously my former colleague is a better match for me.
Prior to this experience, I thought a copy editor was a copy editor was a copy editor. “You mean they’re not interchangeable? You mean they don’t all do the same thing?” No, silly girl, everyone is different and does things differently! I mean of course I had to find the right person to copy edit my book. Just like I’ve had to find the right person with all my relationships.
I used to think just any person could be my best friend. As long as they said I was their best friend and they were mine, nothing else mattered. I didn’t care so much about the person as the role they played. The role was the most important part for me. I had an empty cast list I needed filling. “Pull ‘em off the street! I don’t care!”
Perhaps it’s a part of growing up, or building self-esteem, but I’m not interested in contorting myself to please others anymore. I’m not interested in compromising myself just to keep someone else around. Just so I can check off a box in my cast list. Because the right person really does make a difference. The right person really is worth waiting for. I can spend time gnawing at my fingernails and kowtowing to other people, or I can say, “No thanks,” and find someone who meets my needs. My part is feeling OK with the blank space.
I’m not going to regale you with the beauty of waiting for the right person and how it’s so much better when you do, because we’ve all heard it before. What I will say is I’m worth it. I’m worthy of waiting for the right person. I have enough self-esteem to say “No” to people and situations that do not serve me. I have value and my feelings matter. How I feel means something and I don’t need to justify myself to anyone else or try to bend my will to theirs when it feels wrong.
The role is not most important. The person is. So I’m willing to wait. I’m willing to wait for what I want. I’m willing to let go of the people who aren’t it while I keep searching for the person who is. I’m willing to be OK with the vacancies because I know, even from this small example, the incorrect match is far more painful than not having anyone at all.
I dream of a world where we are willing to wait for the right person for all situations. A world where we have enough self-esteem and pride that we trust ourselves and our intuition. A world where we’re content with waiting because it’s far less painful than wearing shoes that pinch your toes.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
“When I publish my book, I’ll be happy. When I marry a gorgeous guy, I’ll be happy. When I finish all my work, I’ll be happy.” When, when, when. I know I’ve written about happiness before, but now I’m deepening my understanding of it.
Lately I feel like I have a split personality disorder because there is the voice of my ego – the one that tells me I can only be happy once I achieve certain things – and then there’s the voice of love. I’m discovering another big lie I tell myself is happiness lies in the future. That happiness is contingent on the presence of certain things. Rev. Michael Beckwith refers to this as happiness on the layaway plan. I’m doing things now so I can be happy later.
What? How does that even make sense? By that token my happiness will always remain in the future, or like Abraham Hicks says, I’ll be happy for a second before I’m focused on my next “want.” What a horrible way to live. I mean, yes, I think it’s important to have goals and desires, but to always place my happiness in the future seems like a sad state of affairs.
I think this is the crux of living in the now because ultimately only “now” exists. If I constantly think I’ll be happy tomorrow, I will never be happy because tomorrow never comes, as my dad likes to say. There is only now.
I guess I’m waking up to the fact I can be happy anytime, in anyplace, during any situation. I’ve heard tale of extremely poor people who still seem incredibly happy and at peace. Those writing about the impoverished are often baffled as to why. “These people have nothing! They’re living in a shack! Why are they so happy?” I think this is it. They’ve learned the art of living in the now. They’ve learned the art of gratitude and appreciate. They understand happiness is in the present.
Tonight I also started contemplating the dangers of trying to “make” someone else happy. Is that even possible? Is that even something I want to strive for? It seems like an awfully burdensome road, constantly trying to make other people happy. It seems much wiser to just allow people to create their own happiness and hope I can come along for the ride. What a relief. To no longer believe I’m responsible for anyone else’s happiness. To recognize the best I can do is follow a moral code, learn from my mistakes, and apologize when I hurt someone. And really, that’s it. I am only responsible for my own emotions, and usually not even then.
I’m getting a little off track here but I guess I’m saying there is nothing in my future that will make me happier than I am now. I only think there is. Having said that, yes, it’s important to follow divine guidance and what my heart says because that puts me in alignment with my higher power, but I don’t have to wait to do that. I can move closer and closer to infinite love and peace each and every moment just by getting quiet. By expressing my innermost thoughts and feelings. Because when you come down to it, isn’t that what happiness really is? To feel love? Who says I have to wait?
I dream of a world where we feel happy now, where we feel peace now. A world where we understand happiness comes from gratitude and appreciation. A world where we reach up and grab the happy feelings because they are there for the taking. A world where we feel love both internally and externally.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I almost don’t want to tell you this because it’s kind of embarrassing. I don’t want you to judge me or think I’m ungrateful for the people in my life. But what I’m about to discuss is also indicative of a deeper issue, which I think might be valuable to share.
Have you heard of the five languages of love? Gary Chapman says there are five ways people give and receive love: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts and quality time. Chapman says we won’t feel loved until we receive love in our primary language. My primary language is words of affirmation. I want those I love to compliment me, tell me why they love me, write me heartfelt cards and poems. This is not me fishing for comments, but rather divulging why I’ve felt frustrated of late.
For the past two months I’ve felt upset people haven’t been expressing their love for me the way I want them to. Being the person I am, I conveyed this need but nothing’s changed. My friends are still showing me how much they care via the other languages – not words of affirmation. And it bugs the hell out of me. “Why can’t you just do what I want? Is that so hard? Love me the way I want you to!” I keep secretly hoping they’ll change, but they aren’t. So really, my choices are to either accept them for who they are, and how they express their affection, or I can ditch them. Let’s get real though, I love these people. I’m not going to stop being friends with them because they don’t tell me how awesome I am. Strangely, even knowing this I’ve still felt upset. I’ve still wanted them to what I wanted them to do.
Pondering my feelings last night I’ve realized this is yet another way I’m trying to exert control. The important thing to remember is I’m receiving love. Does it really matter how I’m receiving it? Reflecting on my control issues, I’m finally allowing people to be who they are and express themselves how they see fit. Control is a sneaky fellow because it comes up in all aspects of my life. When I allow people and the universe to do its thing is when the magic happens.
For instance, I was offered a part-time copyediting gig (yay!) but I also need to make more money to pay for my expenses. I decided freelancing was the answer, and more specifically, freelancing for a specific publication. It didn’t pan out. My controlling nature wanted to take over and “fix things.” I had to take a step back because I realized when I try to dictate how things are going to work with both love and money I disallow the universe from working its magic. There are INFINITE ways for me to receive money. Why does it have to come from freelancing for X publication? Similarly, why does love have to be in the form of words?
Sometimes I think life works like Best Buy – I go in, pick what I want, pay for it, the end. I get exactly what I want, the way I want it, when I want it. But life isn’t like that – at least it hasn’t been for me.
Wants and needs are natural. I’m allowed to ask for what I want but the “when” and “how” are out of my hands. When I try to dictate life according to my specifications I end up feeling demoralized. The best thing I can do is say, “I want love, financial abundance and success,” and then sit back and watch the universe go to work. And wouldn’t you know it? In my e-mail inbox this morning someone messaged me and asked me if I’d like to freelance for them. The universe provides, I just have to let it. People love me, I just have to let them.
I dream of a world where we are more allowing. A world where we ask for what we want and then let go. A world where we let the universe do its thing, knowing what we want will come to us. A world where we understand the world works in mysterious ways and that’s what it makes it so fun. A world where we recognize we are not in control because there are greater forces at work. A world where we accept what we receive, no matter how it gets to us.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I think back to a conversation I had with a friend of mine roughly five years ago. She and I chatted on AIM about our respective boy troubles and I remember this moment of profundity when I said to her, “I think our search for relationships is really our quest for the divine.” I realized actually what I sought was divine love, a spiritual communion, unconditional love from an infinite source. And I kept looking for it externally in the arms of someone else when it already existed within me.
I don’t think my friend agreed with me but it brings me back to my realization the other night. I’ve been going on and on for the past few months about loving the self, about looking in the mirror and saying, “I love you,” but I’ve been downplaying the love from my higher power. The love that is always around me, unconditional, ever present.
The other night I felt such grace because I knew, “I am already loved.” I am loved for who I am in this moment. I don’t need to “seek” it. I don’t need to try to find it or run from person to person to see if they’ll give it to me. I already have it. Unconditionally. Eternally. My higher power loves me no matter what I do. No matter what I say. No matter what I feel. I don’t need to be a “good girl” or ace all my tests or lose 10 pounds. I am already loved just as I am.
I think of that scene in Bridget Jones’s Diary when Colin Firth says to Renee Zellweger, “I like you very much just as you are.” Rehashing it with her friends later they say, “Just as you are? Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts and a slightly smaller nose?” Renee shakes her head, “No.” Her friends are dumbfounded.
I think her friends are so perplexed because in our society we’re given the message we need to change in order to be loved. We need to be thinner, cleverer, prettier, whatever. (And often the messages are conflicting.) Rarely are we told, “I love you just as you are.” (Because honestly, if we were why would we need to buy so many things?)
It’s comforting and provides such peace to know I am loved unconditionally, and not just by my mother. There is a force out there that loves me more than I can even comprehend. But I’m willing to try. I’m willing to tap into the well of love that’s ever present and really feel it as much as I can.
I dream of a world where we feel unconditionally loved all the time. A world where we know we are magnificent just as we are. A world where we love ourselves and each other no matter what. A world where we experience true peace and comfort and serenity knowing we love ourselves and God loves us too. A world where love trumps all else.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This week the only thing I can talk about is surrender. I know I’ve written about surrender many times before but this week is the first time I think I really got it.
In the past when I spoke of surrender it was usually in the context of a last-ditch effort. As in, “Well, nothing else has worked, so I’ll give this surrender thing a shot.” In the past I’ve been willing to surrender certain things but not others. It’s as if I said to the Universe, “I’ll surrender the job piece but the relationship part? I’ve got it covered.” Some things felt too important to give up, to release control of. Because if I gave up control that means it wouldn’t come true! How could I trust anyone other than me with something so precious?!? (But I’ve also learned this is not the case and invariably my dreams are ant-sized compared to what God has in store for me.)
So I’ve been approaching surrender in a piecemeal way and usually surrendering because I made myself so crazy I couldn’t do anything else. Surrender in some ways became synonymous with giving up. “Lord, I can’t take this anymore so I’m just giving it to you.” It’s only when I reached my breaking point that I would let go. I had been surrendering out of frustration.
This week I took a step beyond that. Now I’m surrendering not because I’m frustrated or have reached a breaking point or I’m expecting the Lord to handle things but because I want peace. I don’t know how everyone else’s mind works but I know for me when I’m not surrendering it’s like a giant game of Risk. “If I do this, then this will happen.” My mind becomes a whirlwind of ceaseless chatter and strategizing. I get incredibly controlling and obsessive because my mind keeps circling on the same things over and over again. This week I’m surrendering because I want the chatter to end. I want to feel at peace. I’m turning my will and my life over to the care of God because I’d rather live in a state of peace and serenity than manipulation and noise.
Now that I’m letting go of more my ego is flipping out. The ego, my “me-ness” is all about control and fear and manipulation. My ego is all about separation and division so when I start talking about all being love and seeing the interconnectedness of all things my ego starts to rebel. Because it knows it’s about to be obliterated. My ego knows it’s about to die so it’s freaking out. I liken true surrender to a salt doll melting in the ocean. Once it’s melted, the doll no longer exists. Once I’m completely surrendered to the universal energy that runs through all things “I” don’t really exist because everything is me and I am everything. My ego knows this about surrender and starts struggling for survival. Fear raises its ugly head.
As I contemplated this last night, contemplated my fear of losing my sense of self I realized several things. One, just because I surrender completely and totally, meaning I give my entire self to God and not just certain things and situations, it’s not like my life ends. I mean, maybe I’ll leave my physical body the very next moment but more likely when I wake up tomorrow I’ll still be here. I’ll still have to go to work. I’ll still have to intake air and food and water. In all likelihood my exterior life won’t look much different. And I still have a purpose on this earth, a mission to fulfill, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. My life will continue on. The only difference is my mind. And that’s the second realization I came to.
I realized by surrendering the only thing I’m really giving up is the constant chatter in my head, my crazy scheming/planning/manipulations and my fear. I’m giving up the things I don’t enjoy anyway. I’m giving up the things that drive me to my higher power in the first place. Surrendering completely is the death of my ego but it’s not the death of me. It’s more like finally meeting the person I always knew existed inside. It’s more like letting the all-pervasive love flow through me. And in this state I feel such grace, a grace and peace I dream of for others as well.
I dream of a world where we give our higher power the reigns in our lives. A world where we choose to swim in the ocean of love knowing all is well and all is God. A world where we surrender our entire selves knowing when we do so we’ll experience utmost peace and serenity. A world where we let our bright inner lights shine unobstructed. A world where we surrender to the cosmic consciousness knowing it spells not the end for us but merely the beginning.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.” — Kahlil Gibran.
If someone had said this to me last week my response would have been: “What are you talking about?!? If you love someone you have to hold on with both hands! You don’t let that kind of thing go!” To my amazement, this week I find I’m in Kahlil’s camp.
Let me back up. When I get a crush on someone it’s usually intense and dramatic and well. Obsessive. It’s obsessive. I admit it. I’m a drama queen and I have a tendency to pursue things until they are dead. Sometimes this serves me well (perseverance leads to a job!) and sometimes it doesn’t (whoa, you’re coming on too strong). It’s something I’m working on.
Anyway, I have a crush on someone. I was taking the route of “I like you! We need to hang out right this instant!” It felt very. Sticky. Very. Clingy. In other words I was attached. I couldn’t get him out of my head.
And then we hung out and he couldn’t seem to talk to me. It got me thinking about relationships and people and possibilities.
I started thinking about how as much as I like this guy it may turn out to be nothing. I started to be open to all possibilities, including the one where we don’t end up together. I understand and accept it (probably) won’t work out. I’m surrendered to my fate and to whatever direction this relationship will go, including nowhere. Why am I bringing this up?
Since I dropped my attachment, my desire to force a relationship, I feel less frustrated. The energy surrounding this guy feels less clingy, less sticky. I feel freer and more open. I can’t tell you whether we’ll end up dating or not because that chapter is still being written, but I can tell you I feel a whole lot better.
I’m noticing how I feel easier, better, and more open now that I’ve let him go. I’m allowing whatever is in my best interest to manifest because I am no longer attached to any outcome. I don’t know if this post will help anyone else but I guess I just wanted to say I know another life is possible. One where we let people come into our lives as they may, whether that be for a year or two, and we allow them to leave when they wish. I envision a world where we aren’t attached to the people in our lives but are merely grateful for the time they grace us with their presence. I envision a world where even if we like someone we don’t try to force a relationship but rather we let the relationship be whatever it needs to be. I envision a world where we are open to whoever is in our best interest even if that person isn’t the one standing next to us.
I know that not only is another world possible, it’s probable.
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