It’s been a rough week for my health condition. What that means is this week I’ve been more bothered by noise and other stimuli. I’ve found myself fantasizing about going somewhere else. Some place quiet, removed from people, and idyllic in every way. However, as I’ve learned over and over again, such a place does not exist. Every time I go somewhere I think will be quiet and peaceful, during the period I’m there, unplanned construction takes place, or the refrigerator is exceedingly loud, or there’s a fluke something or other. In short, there is no escape.
When I ask myself what’s up with that, I realize what’s underneath my desire to go someplace different is I don’t want to engage. I don’t want to stand up for myself with a noisy neighbor, I don’t want to assert my boundaries, I don’t want any conflict. If I dig even further, really I want someone else to do those things for me. I want someone else to take care of me and my needs. I want someone else to be the hero, to stand up for me, to put rude people in their place, so I can continue being a soft gooey glob. It should be no surprise then that I surround myself with strong personalities.
We are what we seek.
My higher power though wants me to be a whole and complete person and doesn’t let me get away with that sort of thing. I’ve come to believe that all the trials I’ve been put through regarding boundaries have been so I can do those things for myself. I’ve come to believe my higher power wants me to become my own hero, to stand up for myself, and to put rude people in their place so I can continue being a soft gooey glob inside.
I’m crying as I type that because I know it to be true. I know I’ve been seeking other people to do the things that I must learn to do for myself. I’ve been looking externally when I could have been looking internally. This week it became clear to me, I am the person I seek. I’m not sure I can express the magnitude of that realization for me. To realize all the things I’ve wanted someone else to do for me, I can do for myself. It has been deeply empowering and also very sweet to realize I am the person I’ve been looking for.
There are two quotes from my spiritual teacher that come to mind as pertinent for this topic. The first is, “The sweetest part of God’s play is that He is hidden in everyone and everyone is searching for Him.” The second is, “One who looks for Shiva in the external world, ignoring the Shiva of the internal world, is like one who throws away the rice that is in one’s hand and wanders from door to door in search of one’s livelihood.”
I have been the person throwing away the rice in my hand and then asking why I’m hungry. I’ve been hungry because I’ve been disowning parts of myself, important parts that are crucial for my existence. And interestingly, the universe will keep putting me in situations that require me to become what I’m looking for until I understand the lesson. Just like I don’t have to go to India to find God, I don’t have to go to someone else to find many of the things I seek because they already exist inside of me.
I dream of a world where we realize we are what we seek. A world where we turn internally first to find what we’re looking for. A world where we understand the universe is working in tandem with us to ensure we become the best version of ourselves.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Maybe this is obvious, but I am easily swayed by strong personalities. That may sound funny because I’m such a strong personality, but I fall under the influence of others and get confused about what I want and what I believe. And if the person is an authority figure? Forget it. I’ve probably already signed away my life savings because that person is an authority, they have a doctorate, and experience, and what do I know?
This week especially I’ve been receiving conflicting advice from seemingly every person I come across. Every person has an opinion, and I know this is partially self-inflicted because I’m telling people I’m confused, so of course they’re weighing in. But then I started thinking about it and I realized it’s all well and good for someone to tell me to do X, but they’re not the person who will have to deal with the consequences – I am. I’m the person that will have to deal with the fallout of whatever choice I make, so it’s my responsibility to make a claim for my life and myself.
Stake a claim for yourself.
It’s my responsibility to do what’s best for me, even if other people disagree with it. The questions I don’t ask myself nearly enough are, “What do I want? What do I need?” So often I’m trying to do the “right” thing that I lose myself in the process. My life becomes a series of obligations and all the fun gets sucked out of it. Or even worse, what I want is so abstract that I don’t know how to get there and am weighed down by others’ opinions. For instance, I know I want and need to make more money, but I don’t know how. This is where someone will chime in, “Edit research papers!” or “Write more articles!” and because I’m so desperate to reach my end goal of making more money, I’ll say OK even if I’d rather poke out my eyes with rusty nails than do as suggested.
I wish I had a quote to throw out here but it’s just my luck that today I can’t find anything suitable, which is maybe for the best. Because what it really comes down to is knowing myself, making decisions that are best for me and my life. It’s easy for me to follow rules, to walk along the path others have set for me. Much harder for me to make my own path, to figure out where I want to go, especially if other people disagree with my decisions. And especially if there are many options before me.
The tenets of my spiritual practice are self-realization and service to society. Self-realization means realizing the true Self, the divine, the blissful, the infinite, but I also have to believe part of that process is realizing my little self too. Not just the small things like what do I want to eat today, but what makes me come alive? What makes my soul sing? What is going to bring me closer to realizing that big Self? Both on and off the meditation cushion.
I dream of a world where we pay attention to ourselves, to what we want, to what works best for us. Not in a hedonistic free-for-all, but in a concerted, discerning way. In a way that brings us one step closer to realizing infinite bliss. A world where we make a claim for our own lives.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
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This week it has become clear to me nobody has all the answers when it comes to other people, and if they proclaim they do, they're selling something. I know that's a bit jaded but honestly, I can't tell you how many times I've been lured in by someone declaring, "If you follow my guidance you'll be a millionaire/attract the love of your life/be a best-selling author, etc." I get reeled in because I want those things and I so badly want to believe there is a formula out there I can follow so all of my desires will manifest.
Sadly (or maybe not so sadly), none of the teleseminars/webcasts/books, etc. ever work. Ever. I read a book that guaranteed if you followed all of the author's guidance you'd meet "the one" within about two months. I read that baby nearly two years ago and I'm still single. When I start to compare myself to others, asking, "Why did it work for them and not for me?" I get into trouble.
When I hear "Nobody knows" I think of Zazu singing his ditty in "The Lion King."
The truth is nobody knows what will work for me better than I do. They just don't.
I'm so fired up by this topic because it's a part of my life's mission to remind people we all have an inner guidance system. Deep down, we all know what we need and want, maybe we just haven't been listening, or all the other voices are so loud they're drowning out our inner knowingness. I am so fired up by this because my whole life is about self-realization and service to humanity. How on earth am I supposed to be self-realized if I believe somebody else has all the answers?
That's not to say other people don't have great advice — sometimes they do — but it's crucial for me to add in a step, to pause and ask myself, "How do I resonate with this? Does it ring true for me?" There's the kicker: Everything in creation is unique and what works for someone else may not work for me. It's such a simple concept but it's a powerful one. Indeed, it follows on the tails of last week's post about feeling empowered. I can't be empowered if I keep giving my power away. I own my power by acknowledging I am my own authority when it comes to me. That despite someone else's qualifications, I still know myself better than anyone else does. Besides the fact, I'll probably save myself a lot of money because I won't try everything that crosses my path. . .
I dream of a world where we all pay attention to our own inner guidance system. A world where we understand we know what's best for us. A world where we pause, listen, and discern if what is presented before us has resonance. A world where we understand we already have all the answers we seek, sometimes we just have to wait for them to appear.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
What I’m realizing is this whole doubt thing is the universe’s way of trying to get me to trust myself. I’ve written before about realizing the truth lies within, but getting rid of doubt is an application of that realization.
Last night a friend of mine said, “I can see this as the future or I can see this as the future,” and I got so upset. I felt upset because she wasn’t telling me what I wanted to hear or what I felt intuitively. Also I realize I felt upset because I was afraid the outcome she predicted would come true. In that moment I realized I’ve been letting other people’s opinions sway me. I’ve been letting what other people think guide me and that is not what self-realization is about. It’s just not. The whole point of a spiritual path is recognizing the truth lies within. How can I believe that yet also look to other people for answers and validation? How can I believe I already know the truth when I get so upset by someone else’s comments?
I share this because I think many of us live in fear of the future or doubt what will come to pass. That’s probably why fortune telling and seeing psychics is so popular. I’ve done it too. Who doesn’t want to hear from somebody else the future is bright and all your dreams will come true? What I’m coming to realize though is I can do all that for myself. Lately I’ve been in a state of wanting constant validation. I’ve been wanting God/the Universe/my friends/family to tell me, “This is what your future will look like,” because I don’t believe my intuition, I don’t believe my own feelings. It’s easier for me to hear it from someone else. Last night though felt like the end to all that. Felt like my higher power saying to me, “When are you going to start trusting yourself and your own feelings about the future? When are you going to stop letting yourself be swayed by others?” Right now Lord. Right now.
I am a manifestation of God, of love, of light. I already know the truth. I already know what will come to pass. My life is my life and no one else’s. No one else knows the answers to my life and what my future holds nor do I know the answers for anyone else. I depend on myself and my higher power for guidance. Everyone else does their own thing and I do mine. I release all doubt because I also realize things change.
Another moment of profundity for me yesterday was understanding nothing is set in stone. And even stone engravings eventually fade. I may think getting from point A to point B is impossible right now and it probably is. But that’s the kicker: right now. It doesn’t mean this moment is how things will always be. While I may think it’s impossible for me to cross a river, at some point my higher power is going to build a bridge. Or send me an airplane. So I don’t need to worry about it. I don’t get to see my entire future, I only get to work toward it. God shows me little snippets of my life so I may continue to put one foot in front of the other and eventually arrive at point B. All the naysayers can just step aside because I have somewhere to be and something to work toward. And from this point forward I will not be deterred.
I release all fear, I release all doubt. I recognize only I can know my future based on the strong desires my higher power instilled within me. I recognize things don’t happen on my timeline but that eventually they do happen. I recognize the Universe guides me in a certain direction and its time to look inward for my compass. Other people can’t possibly know about my life and my future because they are too busy dealing with their own. All we can do for each other is offer love and support as we all figure out how to navigate through the jungle.
I dream of a world where we trust ourselves and our intuitive ability. A world where we all turn inward for the answers we seek. A world where we release all doubt, all fear, all resistance. A world where we recognize things change and nothing lasts forever. A world where we let other people live their lives and we live ours. A world where we know the things we desire most will come to pass if we let them.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Before this week I really wanted to follow someone blindly. I really wanted to be shrouded in ignorance and let someone else discern the truth for me. I wanted to be led and not have to worry about anything. I wanted someone else to know all the answers and to just tell them to me.
As a child the people I followed blindly were my parents. It was painful when I learned my parents are indeed human and thus make mistakes. After I learned I couldn’t follow my parents blindly I turned to spiritual teachers. Spiritual teachers must know everything and thus I can accept whatever they say, right? Except the spiritual teachers who encourage blind faith, who encourage their followers to never question anything, have a tendency to be the drink-the-Kool-aid variety. Yet, a part of me really wanted that. Really wanted someone else to come along and fill my brain so I didn’t have to think at all.
I don’t know for sure why people join cults but I think it might be so they don’t have to discern anything for themselves. It’s so tempting to surround one’s self with someone who speaks with conviction and confidence. Someone who claims to know all the answers. Someone who talks about the future and seems to know things. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of, “So and so said” to give authority to a statement. “Well if so and so said it, it must be true!” I think most people long for an ultimate authority, an ultimate truth, and that’s why Christians quote Bible verses and Jews the Torah and Muslims the Qua’ran. People are looking for a lasting and inarguable Truth. A truth above all other Truths.
I am no different. But this week I painfully learned no person speaks the Truth for all people at all times. The guiding principle I must rely on is my own higher self. The divinity within me. The only voice I must listen to is my intuition. If I think something is wrong, then it’s wrong for me. No one else has all the answers because everybody is just trying to figure out things for themselves. Beside the fact, as far as I know, all spiritual faiths say divinity resides within. We don’t need to go outside ourselves looking for answers. How can I truly honor that notion if I think someone else will be able to tell me how to run my life? Or that someone else knows better than I do what’s in my best interest?
The entire point of the spiritual path is to find God within me, and that means looking to myself for answers. Tapping into my higher power to learn my own Truth. It means living awake, it means discerning for myself what is in my best interest and what is not. It means trusting myself.
And so while learning the lesson of self-discernment was painful, I see now I am walking toward enlightenment. And enlightenment means knowing truth resides within me.
I dream of a world where we honor the God within us. Where we trust in ourselves and our intuitive ability. Where we seek within for the answers to our questions. Where we become self-discerning and autonomous knowing the truth within us is authority enough. I dream of a world where we allow for multiple truths, realizing the truth looks different from person to person. I dream of a world where we wake up our minds and bring our God-hood to the surface.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.