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Even Though. . .

By Rebekah / March 26, 2010

Today I am tired. And crabby. And my hair is sticking up all over the place. But you know what? I love myself anyway. Even though I feel all those things, even though my physical appearance is not what I’d like, I still love myself. And that is practically a miracle. (Actually Marianne Williamson would say it is a miracle.)

In September I wrote a post on being in a funk but knowing God loves me anyway. Today I’m in a funk and I love myself anyway. Woohoo progress!

Several months ago I had a conversation with a friend of a friend and I told him it’s my wish everyone felt beautiful. He told me in no uncertain terms that was a horrible idea, and if everyone went around loving themselves and accepting themselves as they are, the world would be filled with fat and lazy people.

You know, I don’t blame him for thinking that way. I too used to think in order to become “perfect,” in order to realize my full potential, I had to criticize myself. Yell at myself for making mistakes. Chip away all the “bad” parts to get to the good. Because if I’m not critical how on Earth will I change?? How will I become better?? If I accept myself as I am that means I’m ok with being me and who I am right now is not ok!! I must be better!

The human mind is very simple. As you think, so you become. If you constantly think you’re not good enough, that you’re stupid, that you make mistakes, that’s precisely the reality you’ll create. Constant criticism means you’ll constantly find something to criticize.

Love on the other hand? Love allows us room to flourish. My friend’s friend worried if we all loved ourselves, thought of ourselves as beautiful just because we exist, we’d become hedonistic. We’d indulge every whim. That my friends? Is not self-love. Loving the self means taking loving care of the self. It means giving the self proper food and exercise and attention. Eating ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner is not self-love.

The crazy contrary thing about loving and accepting the self is that’s when change happens. With love I feel safe and secure. With love my control issues have slipped away. With love I’m releasing my fears. With love I feel more patient. With love I recognize when an issue is not mine. With love I’m able to remain more even keel in the face of adversity. With love my physical appearance has also changed. In short, with love I’ve become the person I always wanted to be.

I don’t know I’m articulating this well but I guess I mean to say I am more at ease with my life and who I am now because I love myself. Even when I make certain choices, I love myself. I love all parts of me. Every part is a divine expression of life no better or worse than the other.

I dream of a world where we love ourselves unconditionally. A world where we allow ourselves to thrive under the auspices of love. A world where we recognize ourselves for the divine, magnificent beings we are. Beings who experience a wide range of emotions and physical states. Beings who are love incarnate. I dream of a world where we come to know that, a world where we realize love is all there is.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Self-Punishment

By Rebekah / March 16, 2010

I didn’t intend to write this today. If you read AWIP regularly you know I blog on Thursdays and today is Monday but here I am writing anyway. I’m writing because some things are coming up and I think it might be fruitful to share them.

On Saturday I hosted an EFT workshop through the meetup group I started as a real-life extension of this blog. (P.S. Thanks to everyone who attended!) Anyway, one of the attendees became really upset because I neglected to tell the group the event took place at a yoga studio and thus people would be sitting on the floor. It ended up being fine because not only does the studio have bolsters, yoga mats, blankets, and pillows, but there is also a bench and a few office chairs. So the attendee didn’t have to sit on the floor, it all worked out, but I am still feeling upset about it two days later.

What I’m doing is I’m punishing myself. I’m whipping myself for not telling people about the space even though I had the thought to do so. I’m beating myself up because, “I should have known better! Why didn’t I tell them! I’m a horrible person!” but really the event is a stand in for all the other mistakes I’ve made in my life. The incident is a stand in for when I cut in line seven years ago to hear the Dalai Lama speak at the National Cathedral. It’s a stand in for when my sister and I wrote letters to a pair of brothers when I was 12 (me asking to be friends, her to profess her crush) and the mother came up to me saying how inappropriate it was. The incident is a stand in for that one time in 5th grade when I changed the answers to my test as we went over it in class so I could make an A. The list goes on.

For me, whenever I make a mistake I always feel so bad about it – I blow it way out of proportion and then I try to rationalize it away by saying, “Well I didn’t know any better.” Or, “I did the best I could at the time.” Or, “We all make mistakes, I’m only human.” What I learned from the workshop this weekend is it’s important to acknowledge the mistake or bad feeling or whatever, so I can move past it.

Why am I writing this blogpost? I guess because the other thing I learned from the EFT workshop is to say to myself, “Even though I did/did not __________, I deeply and completely love and approve of and accept myself.” Somewhere in my life I picked up the message mistakes equals bad and how can you love a bad person?!?

As I write this I want to weep because it’s true – I really have been thinking the only way I deserve love is if I’m perfect. The past few months have produced cracks in that thinking but it’s there nonetheless, otherwise I wouldn’t still be upset I forgot to tell people they would be sitting on the floor. I also know this whole incident is an opportunity to expose this, to shine the light of day on something I’ve wanted to avoid. Because I am still deserving of self-love, no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter what I think. This isn’t license for me to run around harming people – I take a daily oath not to do so – but it is a license to allow myself to be human, to make mistakes and say, “I love you anyway.”

I dream of a world where we can all love ourselves unconditionally no matter what. Where we allow ourselves to make mistakes, to grow, to become masters. A world where we dust off all things that do not serve us so the diamond within may shine. A world where we can acknowledge our faults and not expect ourselves to be perfect. A world where we look in the mirror and say, “I love you no matter what.”

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Releasing Judgment

By Rebekah / February 5, 2010

There’s an expression I’ve heard that says, “Compare and despair.” Ain’t that the truth! There’s always going to be someone who is “better” or “worse” than me at something. In the past I’ve used it as a marker of self-worth or importance. As in, I can feel good about myself if I’m better than Jane Doe at a particular task, but feel bad about myself if I’m worse. Whoa buddy. Now isn’t that a perfect setup for creating a complex?

I bring this up because this week I do find I’m comparing myself to those around me. On both ends of the spectrum. I’ve compared myself and came up short and compared myself and came out ahead. Neither one of those is where I’d like to be. I don’t want to be ahead or behind. I don’t want to feel superior or inferior. In many ways it’s easier for me to deal with inferiority because then I can pull out my favorite quotes about how we’re all divine children of God and we’re all made to shine. It’s much harder for me to deal with superiority and arrogance because I almost feel like that’s what it means to believe I’m a divine child of God.

Really though superiority and inferiority are different sides of the same coin. When I start comparing myself to others, puffing up my ego, I’m overcompensating. I’m overcompensating to make myself feel better. To make myself believe I am courageous and intuitive and strong. Because a part of me must not really believe it. Otherwise I wouldn’t need to say I’m braver than so-and-so. Otherwise I would just feel that I’m brave, period.

All of this is just a long-winded way of saying when I judge others (and myself) it’s a sign I’m not giving me the love I need. Just like I wrote before about wanting people to pay attention to me, judgment is another indicator I’m not looking internally enough. I’m not telling myself, “I love you,” enough.

It would be very easy to start self-chastising, to criticize myself for being judgmental or arrogant or whatever, but the truth is those acts are so not helpful. They don’t correct the problem, they just make me feel worse. Criticizing only compounds the situation and adds a layer of guilt and shame.

I bring this up because judgment runs rampant in our society in all corners of the world. Somehow we’ve been conditioned to rank ourselves, figure out what our place is, and judge those around us. I for one don’t want to participate anymore. I’d rather be completely focused on me and my life, allowing other people to be who there, accepting them as they are, and letting go of anything else. I’d rather feel at peace with where I am, knowing the only person I can change or even want to change is myself. I’d rather deeply and completely love and approve and accept myself. I know when I do judgment falls away.

And I have that wish for others. (A video I’m tapping along with to help me in the process can be found here.)

I dream of a world where people are more internally focused. A world where they recognize they are who they are and comparisons are futile. A world where people love and approve and accept themselves. A world where people feel love for themselves and the love coming at them from the Universe. A world where we recognize we are each unique incarnations of God/Brahma/the Universe and that’s awesome. A world where we know someone else’s brilliance only heightens our own.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Shower Love So The Flowers Can Bloom

By Rebekah / November 13, 2009

“Why didn’t she dedicate a song to me? Why didn’t he mention me in the thank you’s? Pay attention to me! Why aren’t you showing how much you care???”

For the past month these thoughts have flickered through my mind. I’ve wanted people to pay attention to me, to love me, to show they cared. And when I didn’t get the attention I wanted I felt dejected.

Last weekend I went to a reiki workshop a friend of mine led. He said whenever we have those thoughts, that neediness, the craving for attention from others, it’s a red-flag. It’s a message to us we’re not giving ourselves the love we so desperately need. If I’ve learned anything in the past few months it’s that everything comes from within. So when I want others to pay attention to me that really just means I want to pay attention to myself. The outside world is a reflection of my inner world, a projection if you will.

My friend reminded me I can give myself all the love I need. I have an endless supply ready and waiting at all times. He told me, “You are the love of your life.” That sentence really struck me because I am the love of my life! I don’t need to find someone else to give me love because it’s already within me! The more love I give to myself, the more it’s reflected in the outer world. The more I treat myself with love the more others do the same. When I’m feeling needy and clingy I can shower the deserted spots of my soul with love so the flowers can bloom.

I guess I just want to say it’s so easy to fall into the trap of seeking outside for the things I need. I’ve been conditioned that way – the entire capitalistic system of the U.S. is predicated on the idea. But I don’t have to buy into it. I can deeply and completely love and approve and accept myself exactly as I am right now. I can treat myself with love. I can give myself the love I need. I can shift around the love in my heart so it waters the dry parts of my soul. I can take care of me and love me and pay attention to myself. Everything I need I already have.

“In the infinity of life where I am all is perfect, whole and complete. I live in harmony and balance with everyone I know. Deep at the center of my being, there is an infinite well of love. I now allow this love to flow to the surface. It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions and returns to me multiplied. The more love I use and give, the more I have to give. The supply is endless. The use of love makes me feel good; it is an expression of my inner joy.

I love myself; therefore, I take loving care of my body. I lovingly feed it nourishing foods and beverages, I lovingly groom it and dress it, and my body lovingly responds to me with vibrant health and energy.

I love myself; therefore, I provide for myself a comfortable home, one that fills all my needs and is a pleasure to be in. I fill the rooms with the vibration of love so that all who enter, myself included, will feel this love and be nourished by it.

I love myself; therefore, I work at a job I truly enjoy doing, one that uses my creative talents and abilities, working with and for people I love and who love me, and earning a good income.

I love myself; therefore, I behave and think in a loving way to all people for I know that which I give out returns to me multiplied. I only attract loving people in my world, for they are a mirror of what I am.

I love myself; therefore, I live totally in the now, experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future is bright and joyous and secure, for I am a beloved child of the Universe, and the Universe lovingly takes care of me now and forever more. All is well in my world.” – an affirmation from You Can Heal Your Life.

I dream of a world where the above affirmation is true for everyone. Where we experience all of those things. A world where we all deeply and completely love and approve and accept ourselves unconditionally.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Let Other People Think What They May

By Rebekah / November 6, 2009

On Halloween I sat in the car with my friend and remarked how I loved her baby’s outfit. He wore an orange and white onesie that said, “I want my mummy.”

I remarked, “Little kids and old people can wear anything. I sure couldn’t pull off his outfit.”

“Yes you could,” you said.

“I guess you’re right.”

“You just wouldn’t be buying into social conformity,” she added.

That one comment got me thinking about conformity and what’s “appropriate” for people to wear. What is appropriate and who gets to define it? I understand dressing for the weather, but other than that, why is some clothing more “appropriate” than others? Why do we have a corporate culture that dictates men and women have to wear suits? Why can’t I wear an orange and white jumpsuit into the office? As long as I’m not harming myself or others what does it matter? I also realized I have such admiration and respect for people who wear whatever the heck they want with total confidence. I realized I want to be one of those people too. With more than just clothes.

I realized from my friend’s comment how much I let what other people might think of me dictate my behavior. For instance, as I walk home from work I end telephone conversations with my parents by reciting affirmations. When I get to crosswalks or too close to people I furtively mumble my affirmations or pause while I wait for the light to change. Because, ohmygod what would people think?!? Honestly they probably wouldn’t think anything. And if they did does it really matter?

I’m coming to a place where I realize what other people think is really none of my business. When I get caught up in how others might be judging me it only causes stress and misery. A few months ago I wrote a post about being home alone on a Saturday night and how I choose what I feel. Part of my angst about it stemmed from this notion I’ve carried with me since high school. The idea if I stay home on the weekend I’m unlovable or pathetic or a friendless loser. Guess what? No one has ever said that to me. In fact, I’d wager people aren’t thinking about me and my weekend plans at all; they are too busy living their lives and worrying about their own weekend plans.

The flip side of worrying about what other people think is so what if they are judging me? If people think I’m a pathetic loser freak for staying home on a Saturday, so what? If people think I look ridiculous wearing an orange and white jumpsuit that says, “I want my mummy,” so what? What does it matter and who cares? Why should I let other people’s perceptions (or fear of their perceptions) limit me? My joy and my happiness is the most important thing in my world. Life is too short to spend it worrying about what’s going in my neighbor’s head.

I dream of a world where we move beyond limitation and lack. A world where we do what makes us happy, what brings us joy. I dream of a world where we realize our perception of ourselves is what matters the most. A world where we realize we are free to do whatever we want. A world where we are loved and accepted as we are unconditionally. A world where we love ourselves so deeply what other people think of us doesn’t even enter our minds. A world where we all march to the beat of our own drummer knowing we are in complete alignment with our highest selves and our highest good. A world where we allow ourselves to be who we are in every conceivable way.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

We Are Made To Be Different

By Rebekah / October 31, 2009

One of the best ways to make myself miserable is to start comparing myself to others. To start the ranking process to figure out who’s superior and who’s inferior. To look at someone else and feel bad because I don’t have their complexion, their body, their brains, their whatever. One of the best ways to make myself miserable is to start wanting to be someone else because I think they are better or superior to me.

U.S. culture really doesn’t help matters. It seems to me anyway, there is this overarching push to achieve, to be the best at something. And if you’re not the best then you’re just a loser. What’s that saying, “No one remembers who came in second?” And, “Second place is another name for first loser?” What lovely concepts!

This ranking thing has to go. I can’t speak for everyone but I can say for me it’s been detrimental. In high school I really wanted to be salutatorian of my class, mostly so I could give a speech at graduation. The day class rank came out I remember passing by the guidance counselor in the cafeteria and I said, “Well?” She held up three fingers. I had dropped from number two to number three. I went to my car in the parking lot and cried as I slumped over the steering wheel. I cried. Over class rank. Because I was one one-thousandth of a point lower than someone else. Really? What does it matter if I’m number two or number 200? It’s doesn’t mean I’m “worse” than anyone else.

I think partly, yes, in high school I used my class rank as a means to identify my self-worth, but I know now self-worth comes from within. Yet, I think at the root of this whole ranking, superiority/inferiority thing is a rejection of the self. Of wanting to be like someone else. To look like someone else. To have what someone else has.

One of my favorite authors Louise L. Hay says, “We are each made to be different.” It does me no good to try to be like anyone else because I end up demoralized and depressed. I am me. I am made by my creator specifically so I can be me. We are each made to be different. No one is superior or inferior to anyone. This whole rank and number one business is a human construct, which means it can be unconstructed.

We are made to be ourselves. We are made to be different. Billions of stars light up the night sky. Each is important. Each is valuable. I don’t look like Heidi Klum because I’m not supposed to look like Heidi Klum. I’m supposed to look like me. The more I love and approve and accept myself as I am the better. So I’m kicking inferiority and superiority out the door.

I dream of a world where we all love and approve and accept ourselves as we are. Where we recognize our magnificence, where we recognize our brightness. Where we know we are neither superior nor inferior to anyone else. Where we understand we are each made to be different. Where we revel in our differences and accept who we are as people. Where we come together as a bouquet of flowers, each flower beautiful in its own right, but not nearly as beautiful as when they’re bound together.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Cherishing The Self

By Rebekah / October 9, 2009

“I deserve to rejoice in life, I deserve all the pleasures life has to offer.” This week I realized I don’t fully believe that affirmation. I don’t think I do deserve all the pleasures life has to offer. Because I’m not the president of the United States. Because I’m not famous. Because I’m not someone else. Who am I to get X? Who am I to have all these amazing things happen to me? And wrapped up in not thinking I deserve certain things is self-punishment. Since I’m not perfect, since I’m not someone else, I’m going to punish myself instead:

“Even though I sprained my ankle I think I’ll still walk to work. It’s not that bad.”

“It’s freezing outside, I have all these groceries to carry, but my hotel is only a mile away so I’ll just continue to walk. I need the exercise after all.”

I’ve done both these things (and more) – I’ve walked miles on a sprained ankle. For days. I decided to suffer in the Chicago cold instead of taking a taxi. In each of these experiences I decided something else was more important than me. I didn’t take care of myself because a part of me felt I wasn’t worth it. That I didn’t deserve it. I felt it to such a degree I decided to punish myself instead.

I bring this up because I think a lot of self-punishment masquerades as something else: “I’m being environmental by walking!” “I’m being economical by not taking a taxi!” I ask you, why is money the most important thing? Isn’t my health and well-being more important than money? Don’t I deserve to hail a taxi when it’s cold, to rest my ankle when it’s sprained, and to otherwise treat myself with love?

I haven’t treated myself with love, haven’t cherished myself as much as I could because I’ve been comparing myself to other people. I’ve been saying, “Who am I to have X? I’m nobody special.” And then I worry if I do say I deserve X, it will come across as conceited.

I think about the EFT video I posted a few months ago, “You are magnificent.” In it Brad Yates says discusses this very subject:

“But if I say I’m magnificent, isn’t that conceited? But in fact, isn’t that one of the greatest ways to honor my Creator? What does God really want to hear? ‘I’m sorry God apparently you screwed up with me because I’m not so great.’ Or doesn’t it honor God more to say, ‘I am magnificent. Nice job Creator. You done good.’ And the more I recognize my magnificence the more good I can do. The more good I want to do. My playing small doesn’t serve the world. Part of me thinks that to be a really good person I should think less of myself. I should think less of what I have to offer. That I’m not good enough, that what I have to offer isn’t good enough. And yet I’m grateful for all those magnificent people that didn’t feel that way. Thank God for Gandhi, for Mozart, for Da Vinci, for Martin Luther King Jr., for David Bowie, for all these people who shared their magnificence. I choose to share my magnificence. I am who I am by God’s grace. And I choose to use that grace to great effect. I am magnificent.”

There’s a difference between thinking I am magnificent, that I deserve to rejoice in all the pleasures life has to offer, and being arrogant. I think arrogance hinges on judgment, on ranking, on superiority. There’s a difference between saying, “I am magnificent,” and “I am better than you.” I can think I’m magnificent without declaring any superiority or inferiority.

What I’m learning right now is I can have all the pleasures life has to offer without coming across as conceited. I can treat myself with love, dream big, and achieve my goals without cutting down others. I can accept my good without comparing myself to anyone else. I can accept my good without ranking myself. I can accept my magnificence and let that be completely self-contained.

I dream of a world where we see our magnificence without feeling superior or inferior. Where we allow ourselves to be graced with gifts from God, knowing we completely deserve them. Knowing we are worthy of them. I dream of a world where we treat ourselves with love. Where we cherish ourselves as the divine children of God that we are.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Bring in da funk

By Rebekah / September 11, 2009

So this week I’ve been in a funk. A part of me doesn’t even want to admit that because all I want to project is love and light and positivity out into the world. And the perfectionist side of me doesn’t want other people to know I get cranky sometimes (the horror!). What I realize though is this is an opportunity to love myself even further, even more deeply.

I think for a long time I’ve wanted to separate myself into parts. There’s the happy part, the sad part, the angry part, the fun part, etc. I’ve been placing a value judgment on the facets of my personality. Some aspects are “better” than others and so I should squirrel away the ones I don’t like, or so I thought. Being in this weird funk has shown me I am all my parts. I cannot be separated into different me’s – I am one and indivisible. The cranky person, the petulant person, the joyful person, the playful person – they are all me and no one emotion is better or worse than another. Every feeling falls in the emotional spectrum and each one is precious. They are indications I’m alive. And human life is a blessing.

By denying a certain side exists I only succeed in harming myself because it’s my way of saying, “This emotion is no good, I don’t like this part of me, I’m going to pretend it doesn’t exist.” In truth I am a divine child of God no matter what I’m feeling, no matter what I’m doing, no matter what I’m saying. God loves me at all times – when I’m fearful, when I’m spiteful, when I’m whiny – why can’t I extend the same courtesy to myself?

A few weeks ago I wrote a poem from God’s perspective about recognizing our magnificence and a part of the poem goes like this:

Love yourself the way I love you.

May you realize who you are so others may walk with you.

May you realize your own divinity so others may join you.

You are God’s child, perfect as you are, encased in love.

From your depths others will rise

So listen to your inner voice

And let your brightness shine through.

You are a great and magnificent divine being,

You are powerful beyond measure.

You are on this Earth so I may love you. Let me love me.

Love yourself the way I love you, unconditionally and eternally.

I suppose what I’m learning now is to love myself the way God loves me. To see myself through God’s eyes. To love all parts of myself, even the ones I want to pretend don’t exist. It’s funny that this should be such a process, it seems like loving yourself unconditionally would be the easiest thing in the world! I love my weird funky mood because it’s still a part of me. And I have that same wish for others.

I dream of a world where we all love all parts of ourselves unconditionally. Where we accept ourselves as we are right now. Where we allow ourselves to feel all emotions without judgment. Where we love ourselves the way God loves us. Where we rejoice in life. Where we allow our bad moods to come in and out like clouds floating by. Where we can be in a funk and know that’s ok. We are the full expressions of beauty and love in life just the same.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Self-acceptance

By Rebekah / July 17, 2009

I’m coming to realize how important self-acceptance is. I’m written before about accepting God’s timeline, accepting change, etc. but not a lot about accepting myself.

I bring this up because when I love and accept myself the way that I am, my life feels more peaceful, I’m happier and I feel so free. I can concentrate on things other than what’s “wrong” with me.

As a self-proclaimed perfectionist, there has been a belief within me before I could be loved I had to be perfect. Before I could accept myself I had to do things perfectly, look perfectly, act perfectly, etc. There was a whole lot of negative self-talk going on in my mind. A whole lot of, “Why did you do that?? Why did you say that? What’s wrong with you?!?” And it went even further. I did a lot of physical nit-picking, which unfortunately, is fairly common for women as far as I can tell. There’s a lot of feeling dissatisfied with our body/skin/hair for which we should buy a pill/cream/gel to fix.

Here’s an ad from the magazine lying on my floor: “Take your hair from flat to all-day FABULOUS with TRESemme 24 hour body.” And that’s not even the worse one I could find.

Inherent in TRESemme’s advertising copy is the idea flat hair is bad, undesirable, the opposite of fabulous. “Everyone wants full-bodied hair and now you can have it too with our product!” is the underlying message.

Personally I can say by focusing so much on my “flaws” I’ve been wasting my time and energy. So much of my mind space could be freed up for other things if I didn’t obsess about my physical appearance in a negative way, if I could love and accept myself as I am, right now. What a concept in Western society!

I may have a zit on my chin or frizzy hair but that does not diminish my beauty. I am a divine child of God no matter what. I am beautiful no matter what’s going on externally. My physical ailments are transient, brief flashes in time and space that do not require beauty products from TRESemme.

Last week I wrote about self-worth coming from within and loving myself no matter what happens. This week I can say I love and approve of myself no matter what I look like. I love and approve and accept myself just as I am, right in this moment. And I have that same wish for others.

I dream of a world where we love and approve of ourselves no matter what we’re doing and no matter what we look like. Where we accept our beauty at all times, recognizing our physical ailments are merely expressions of mental patterns that can be changed. (See “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay) Where we recognize the power of our minds to not only affect our lives but our bodies. Where we love ourselves unconditionally as God loves us. Where we accept ourselves for who and what we are, realizing all is inherently right with us. Where we realize our full potential as human beings to manifest the world we wish to see and the people we’d like to become. I dream of a world where the pervading concept is we are beautiful, we are loved, we are perfect just as we are. Where we are bombarded with the message, “There is no one else in the world like you, so cherish yourself as you are, recognizing your good and how wonderful it is you exist.” I dream of a world where we can all walk down the street feeling confident in our skin no matter what we look like, loving ourselves as we deserve to be loved.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.