This post is a continuation of one I wrote a few weeks ago called “It won’t look the way we think,” because I’m finding what I think I want and what I actually want can sometimes be two different things. This happens to me at times when my life is about to undergo a major shift, when I’m shedding old skin and growing into someone new. The first time my egoic desires didn’t line up with my heart’s desires was when I had to decide whether to move to San Francisco or not. After college I really thought I’d be happy living in the suburbs of D.C. for the rest of my life with a husband and two cats, writing for a magazine. The universe had other things in mind and threw me an enormous curveball by telling me, “No. You don’t want to live in D.C. forever – you need to move to San Francisco.” The journey that took me from D.C. to California is detailed extensively in my book, Just a Girl from Kansas, which will be available to friends and family (and followers of this blog) in the next few weeks. And now I find myself at another crossroads.
Many of you already know this – especially because I blogged about it in November – but I have had a HELL of a time sleeping in my apartment. It’s been one damn thing after another since August. In my mind, I was going to live in this apartment until I got married but the universe has other plans because it’s again telling me, “No, you need to move now.” I know this because it has literally been one thing after another to keep me from enjoying my space, not to mention I’m scared to go to sleep every night because I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep through it. My friend said to me, “That’s no way to live.” And he’s right, it’s not. The interesting thing is prior to all of this no-sleeping business I literally cried multiple times because I wished someone would make dinner for me while I packed to leave for a trip. I thought it was going to be in the form of a boyfriend, but it turns out I’m moving into a house where they like to make dinner for everyone in it.
This moving situation is again an instance where my head desires and heart desires are misaligned because the house is everything I’ve asked for. It’s big, has an alcove separate from my bedroom that can be my work space, it’s sunny, with a dishwasher, washer and dryer, close to public transportation, quiet, and filled with people who are ready and willing to share cooking and cleaning. Sounds like what I ultimately wanted, yes?
I’ve been grieving about leaving my old place because I really have loved living here. While listening to Doreen Virtue’s blog radio show I finally felt some peace. The caller (also named Rebecca) said her life feels like it’s unraveling. Doreen’s response to her was, “Let your life unravel – that’s not what you want anymore anyway.” Her words struck me because that’s also true for me. Because I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to live here anymore. I don’t want to constantly have to assert myself. I don’t want to have to deal with random noises and neighbors and parking lots attendants whistling to get someone’s attention. I’m trading that all in for a place where I hear birds whistling, not people. Where there’s no one stomping around above me. Where I don’t have to worry about passing crack addicts and homeless people. So maybe my higher power knows what I want and need better than I do.
I dream of a world where we allow ourselves to move with the universal energy that’s guiding us. A world where we stretch our goals and dreams and allow them to change as we change. A world where we pay attention to the reality before us and do something about it. A world where we know sometimes our heart and our head won’t match up but that’s ok, because in the end we’ll get what we ultimately wanted anyway.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I find myself constantly reacting. “She said this so then I felt this.” Or “this happened so consequently I felt X.” I’m noticing how not fun that is. How not fun it is to constantly go outside myself for validation/support/comfort/whatever. How not fun it is to feel like a passive player in life instead of an active participant.
My last post I wrote about need. I suppose this post is a deepening/extension of that.
Rev. Michael Beckwith said our natural state as human beings is to feel high. I wanted to believe him when I heard that but didn’t know how being in that state constantly was possible.
Now I do.
Yesterday I was sick, and thus loopy and needy and crazy. I craved affirmation and sought it from others. Even when my mother told me what I wanted to hear, it wasn’t enough. It didn’t satisfy me, it didn’t comfort me, it didn’t fill me like I wanted it to. I realized (again) the only person who can give me what I need – including comfort, validation, etc – is me. Yesterday’s experience only deepened my realization, my belief.
Today I spoke to the now oft-mentioned Heather asking her for techniques or mechanisms to help me find the comfort I seek from myself. Is there some sort of visualization or something I can do when I want to hear how awesome I am?
Her response was to simply ask God/my Higher Power/whatever for help. Say “I want to shift, please show me the way” and the answer will reveal itself. Say “I feel X and I want to feel Y.” It will happen.
I also think by simply asking we open ourselves up to that change, we open ourselves up for the shift to occur. And you know what? I shifted. I wanted to feel better? Now I do.
When Rev. Beckwith says the natural state as human beings is to feel high I think he’s right. However, it takes time to get there. It takes time for the shift, the change to happen. In the meanwhile, certain events/situations/conversations will still throw me for a loop or put me in a funk. But! But! I can quickly move out of those funks. I can move myself from feeling down and low and depressed into a place of love and tranquility and peace. I can, you can, we all can.
I envision a world where we all stop reacting to what happens to us and instead we choose how to respond. I envision a world where we feel the constant bliss, or love, or whatever it is we wish to feel. Where we know we have the choice to feel what we desire. I envision a world where we recognize our own power, our own purpose, our own light. I envision a world where we consciously experience what we want.
I know in my heart of hearts not only is another world possible, it’s probable. Let’s make it happen. =)