On the heels of my post from last week about making new milestones, the phrase that keeps coming to me is, “Let go of the way you think things are supposed to be and embrace what is.” That’s a big one for me because I have a lot of “supposed tos.” Everything from I’m supposed to have fewer gray hairs to I’m supposed to be wealthier. Where those “supposed tos” came from I couldn’t say but they’re rolling around in my head.
Those “supposed tos” aren’t neutral or ephemeral either. They aren’t something I say, “Oh well!” about. They cause damage because when things don’t match the vision in my head, I feel angry/sad/resentful/disappointed. But it’s all self-inflicted! I’m the one that set myself up for those feelings! You’d think I’d learn by now not to do that to myself, but no. This whole year has been an extended lesson in letting things unfold as they will and embracing what is, not what I think is supposed to be. How do I do that? I’m still learning (obviously) but what I’ve come to is two parts. The first is surrender.
My spiritual teacher says, “Human beings and other created beings perform a multitude of actions. The ultimate action, however, is … total surrender.” Total surrender means aligning my will with my higher power’s will. Total surrender means recognizing I am an actor in this world, not the general manager of the universe. In other words, it’s saying, “OK” to whatever life is throwing at me. I don’t have to like it but I do have to accept it.
Maybe it’s already the way it’s “supposed” to be. Photo by Helio Dilolwa on Unsplash
The other part is staying present. Ram Dass says in his famous book Be Here Now:
“[I]f you set the alarm to get up at 3:47 this morning and when the alarm rings and you get up and turn it off and say: ‘What time is it?’ You’d say, ‘Now. Now. Where am I? Here! Here!’ then go back to sleep and get up at 9:00 tomorrow. Where am I?? Here! What time is it? Now! Try 4:32 three weeks from next Thursday. By God it is – there’s no getting away from it – that’s the way it is. That’s the eternal present. You finally figure out that it’s only the clock that’s going around … it’s doing its thing but you – you’re sitting here, right now, always.”
Another quote from Ram Dass: “What are you doing? Planning for the future? Well it’s all right now but later? Forget it baby, that’s later. Now is now. Are you going to be here or not? It’s as simple as that!” Being here, now means not only enjoying the present moment but accepting it’s exactly how it’s supposed to be, gray hairs and all.
I dream of a world where we let go of our “supposed tos” and embrace what is. A world where we remember expectations only set us up for disappointment and resentment. A world where we understand as much as we have dreams for the future, we are actors, not general managers, and that means it’s better for us to let things play out how they’re meant to not how we think they’re supposed to.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I’m a big fan of plans. I like organization and structure because it helps me to relax and feel safe. (But that’s not to say I hate spontaneity because I don’t. One of my favorite things is when someone calls me and says, “Hey, I’m in your neighborhood. Are you free?”) Given my feelings about plans, it should be no surprise that I make a lot of them: plans for events and also my life.
This past week though, boy, am I feeling the punchline of that joke, “How do you make God laugh? Tell Her your plans.” Nearly all of my plans were scuppered, dashed, and any other word you can think of that means “didn’t work.” It was everything from telephone calls to housesitting. The amount I had to pivot this past week was astounding. When these things don’t work out, I feel frustrated, disappointed, and depending on the situation, despair.
I have to remind myself that Love has a plan for me (and it has a plan for you, too). Here are two small examples of how I know that’s true. I was supposed to housesit on Tuesday and Wednesday but the homeowners canceled last minute. I had already made tentative plans that hinged on being at their place so I was of course disappointed. But you know what happened? On Wednesday, I felt a searing pain in my hip that I hadn’t experienced in years. I spent the afternoon lying in bed watching Netflix. In other words, it was a blessing that I wasn’t in a stranger’s home scavenging for a heating pad and painkillers.
It may not seem like it, but Love has a plan for you. Photo by Khadeeja Yasser on Unsplash
On Thursday, I woke up about two hours earlier than I normally do, which meant I also napped two hours earlier than I usually do. (For the unfamiliar, I can’t keep my eyes open four hours after I wake up.) An HVAC guy was scheduled to come to my house between 1 and 5 p.m. but he showed up early at 12:15, right when I’d normally be napping. If I hadn’t woken up earlier in the day unintentionally, and thus napped earlier, I would have missed him completely.
When you live with the truth that Love has a plan for you, something interesting happens. Tosha Silver says it best in her book Outrageous Openness:
“You begin to feel on a cellular level that things are unfolding exactly in the way that they should. At the rate and timing they need. You start to trust the process. You relax from the endless pushing that most of us learned at birth. On some fundamental, mysterious level, you just let go …. [Y]ou relax into this calm curiosity about where the flow might go. You’re detached yet somehow riveted by how the story will unfold. You feel spaciously receptive and open to what wishes to come.”
I’m not saying I have this mastered by any means. I do love my plans, after all, but I’m trying. I keep turning to Love and saying, “You know what’s best for me. Align my will with your will. Help me to know and trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it should.” For someone like me, this is INCREDIBLY difficult but fighting the plan Love has for me is like fighting the tide and anyway, I’ve seen over and over again that Love knows better than I do.
I dream of a world where we realize that things are unfolding in exactly the way they should. A world where we understand when things don’t happen how we’d like there might be a very good reason for it. A world where we let go and relax into a calm curiosity about what will happen next. A world where we remember even when it doesn’t seem like it, Love has a plan for us.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
The other day my higher power told me not to attend a Zoom meeting. But I felt like I should attend because it would be good for my novel writing, I’d skipped the previous week, etc. Within minutes of signing on, Zoom froze and kicked me out of the meeting. I tried again and the same thing happened. At that point, I laughed and said, “OK, fine. I won’t join this meeting.” (For all you practically minded people, I updated Zoom because as much as I wasn’t supposed to be at that meeting, I also recognize sometimes computers glitch.)
So often I think I know how things should go. I want to force my will and run the show. Everything would be fine if things would just go how I think they should. It’s the nature of being human – we all have wants and desires and we’re trained to go after them. But what we often forget is we are not doing all of this alone. I pulled an oracle card this morning and it said, “Look at everything in your life as an opportunity for communion, losing the need for self-centeredness, connecting to Source in a sacred, intimate way. You will not pray on your knees as a supplicant. You will engage the Great Goddess as a partner in co-creation, participating in the making of worlds.”
How does this picture relate? It doesn’t but it sure is pretty. Photo by Ajnabi Creation on Unsplash
We are co-creating with the universe and at the same time, I’ve seen over and over again if my will doesn’t align with the Cosmic will, things won’t happen. I’ll sign on to Zoom and get kicked off repeatedly, for instance. In my spiritual tradition, we say, “[W]hatever happens in this Universe of ours is nothing but an expression of Cosmic desire or Cosmic will. Neither can there be any volcanic eruption nor can any blade of grass move without [God’s] order. . .Living beings cannot do anything without [God’s] support; that is, when a human desire and [God’s] desire coincide, then only does the human desire become fruitful, otherwise it is a sure failure.”
That doesn’t mean we’re all puppets on a string, that we should lie around and wait for things to happen. Life is about movement, footwork is required, but there is such a thing as Cosmic will. And the trick, if you can call it that, is to align our will with the Cosmic will. In essence, we’re surrendering, we’re no longer fighting. When Zoom kicked me off again, I could have joined the meeting via my phone. I could have doubled down on my will, but I didn’t because I accepted that maybe my higher power wanted me to do something else.
Through my nonviolent communication training, I’ve learned one of the things I value tremendously, one of the things I want more of in my life, is ease. You know what doesn’t produce ease? Trying to force my will. But aligning with Cosmic will does. This isn’t always the case, but oftentimes that alignment feels like slipping into a stream and letting it carry me in the current. So much of life requires effort – cleaning, cooking, shopping, working. Why not let myself experience ease when and where I can? For me, that means recognizing it’s better when my will is not done.
I dream of a world where we understand there is such a thing as Cosmic will. A world where we remember if the universe doesn’t want something to happen, it won’t. A world where we surrender to a power greater than ourselves because we recognize that brings more ease and flow into our lives. A world where we remember many times it’s better if our will is not done.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
It’s been a rough week. Not only have I still been sick but a client is late on payment and we’ve been going through a heatwave. All of this is a recipe for FUN TIMES. I’ve stewed in anger and resentment, I’ve cursed out God, told Him how much I hate Him. I haven’t felt serene, not even close. After I exhausted all of my options and had enough of simmering in anger, I stopped fighting.
One of my favorite ways to describe surrender is exactly that – it means to stop fighting. When you’ve exhausted all your options, when you’ve taken all the action steps you can, what else can you do? All that’s left is surrender and acceptance. I’m saying, “I’m no longer fighting reality and I’m accepting life on life’s terms.” Do I wish I wasn’t still sick? Do I wish my client would go ahead and pay me? Do I wish it wasn’t so hot I almost burned my hand on the doorknob? Yes. Of course. But what is wishing doing for me other than keeping the wheel of angst spinning?
I’m waving the white flag. Photo by Pedro Farto on Unsplash
Sometimes I fool myself into thinking I’m the master of my fate, I’m the captain of my soul, but then I have a week like this one and I remember, “Oh yeah. That’s wrong.” In my spiritual tradition we say, “[W]hatever happens in this Universe of ours is nothing but an expression of Cosmic desire or Cosmic will. Neither can there be any volcanic eruption nor can any blade of grass move without [God’s] order. . .Living beings cannot do anything without [God’s] support; that is, when a human desire and [God’s] desire coincide, then only does the human desire become fruitful, otherwise it is a sure failure.”
Sometimes I HATE this sentiment. What do you mean not even a blade of grass will move without God’s support?!? Are we all puppets on a string? Should I just throw in the towel? Lie around inert while I wait for an invisible puppet master to make something happen in my life?!? I hope you know the answer to that by now. But/and, there’s something to be said about accepting the existence of Cosmic will. There’s something about recognizing I’m not the general manager of the universe, as much as I wish I was.
When I say to myself, “OK God, OK,” I’m reminding myself who is really in charge. It’s a simple way of saying, “I may not like what’s happening right now but I accept the reality of my situation. I’ve done all I can to change, fix, and control it. Now I’m offering it to you.” Doing so brings me peace and I’d much rather have peace than what I experienced this past week. I want to move through life with ease and the only way I’ve found to do that is by saying, “OK God, OK.”
I dream of a world where we remember who is really in charge. A world where we understand the stars don’t control us, and neither does an invisible puppet master, but there is a force greater than ourselves at play. A world where we recognize fighting reality is a recipe for frustration. A world where we say, “OK God, OK.”
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I heard a line from Leonard Cohen’s poem Good Advice for Someone Like Me the other day: “If you don’t become the ocean, you’ll be seasick every day.” Wow. I’m pretty sure I can end this post right there and let you meditate on his idea.
I can confidently say most of the time I’m metaphorically seasick. I’m worried about an upcoming potluck, getting more clients, or if I’ll ever figure out what’s happening with my health. I wouldn’t classify myself as anxious anymore but I also wouldn’t say I’m serene. I have moments of going with the flow but most of the time I’m cussing out God and proclaiming how much I hate It because things aren’t going my way.
Cohen’s line reminds me of surrender, which means to stop fighting. It’s when I’m fighting life on life’s terms that I get into a tizzy and metaphorically seasick. It’s when I’m not accepting what is that I feel anxious. There are some things I don’t think anyone should accept – injustice, inequality, and any of the -isms such as racism and sexism – but the smaller things, the reality of my life, I’d be better off leaning into.
The peace! The tranquility! Photo by Biel Morro on Unsplash
I often joke that someone should make me the general manager of the universe because I have some GREAT ideas but alas, that’s not my role in this lifetime. In this lifetime I’m learning trust and surrender. I’m learning that the universe loves me and wants me to be happy, joyous, and free. I’m learning to let go of my attachment to how things should go and accept how things are going. Does that bring grief from time to time? Yes, it does. Am I feeling my feelings about it? Yes, I am.
What I’m learning here, in essence, is how to dissolve my ego, my little self, and merge it with the big Self. My spiritual teacher says, “If a salt doll goes to measure the sea, it will melt into it. Neither can it measure the sea, nor will it ever return; its existence will merge into the vastness of the sea, releasing it from all cares and worries. If one wishes to take the form of the sea, one will have to become the sea itself; there is no other way.”
I am becoming the sea, I am becoming the ocean. I’m recognizing not only does a higher power exist outside of me in the form of energy pervading the universe, but it also exists inside of me as me. From that framework, it’s easier for me to trust and surrender because um, hi, of course my deeper self wants things to work out for me. Of course my greater self sees a broader perspective and understands why it’s better for me to turn left when I thought I should have turned right.
When the Divine Beloved exists within me, as me, it’s easier for me to surrender and let myself become the ocean instead of bobbing along the surface and getting seasick.
I dream of a world where we let ourselves become the ocean. A world where we dissolve our little egos and surrender to something vaster than we can comprehend. A world where we accept life on life’s terms when appropriate and stop making ourselves seasick.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve heard over and over again you need to figure things out. In the U.S., we’re fond of “pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps,” going out there and “seizing the day,” and just generally “making stuff happen.” There’s this idea if you aren’t hustling, you’re doomed to live an unsatisfying and unfulfilling life. It’s exhausting, frankly. But what if there’s another way to move through the world? An easier way?
Here’s how that’s showed up for me. Lately, I’ve been craving in-person connection, especially the group kind. The pandemic has decimated my communities by either transitioning to meeting online or halting altogether. I’m just not doing the things I was before and boy am I feeling it. Being the compulsive person that I am, last week I scoured Meetup for in-person groups, determined to find fun things to do with other people. I found a few groups, but given my interests, most of them require hiking and I’m still healing from a foot injury. They’re good for future me, but not present me.
I love how her bag says “subtle” Photo by Dan Burton on Unsplash
Magically, unexpectedly, two of the companies I freelance for are having dinners this coming week and invited me to attend. As someone who is a solopreneur, I often declare I don’t and won’t meet anyone through work because I don’t have colleagues. There are no water cooler moments or lunches with team members. Therefore, I find it hilarious that I’ll be socializing with coworkers of sorts this week, just when I needed it. Problem of in-person connection solved and I didn’t have to do anything except say, “yes, I’ll be there.”
I bring this up because it reminds me sometimes, we don’t have to do anything. Sometimes we have a desire and the universe creates circumstances and events to fulfill that desire. It’s comforting for me to know I’m not alone here, in charge of every little thing in my life. Instead, there’s a benevolent, loving force in the world that acts on my behalf. I didn’t do anything to create in-person connection and in fact, my attempts failed for one reason or another. I didn’t “figure anything out.” The universe did that for me. What a relief.
My spiritual teacher says every being evolves because Cosmic Consciousness loves them, and the force of that intense love draws them toward that consciousness. “All the entities of this universe are mutually attracting all other entities. But [Cosmic Consciousness] is attracting all entities by dint of His love for all, by dint of His personal relationship with all,” my teacher says.
In other words, yeah, the universe wants to support me, wants to help me out to bring me closer to the Supreme Entity, the consciousness at the center of everything. I don’t have to figure everything out, and in fact, it’s better if I don’t even try and instead, let myself be loved and cared for by something greater than me.
I dream of a world where we recognize there is a benevolent force in the universe loving us, guiding us. A world where we understand undergirding everything is a current of love drawing us closer and closer. A world where we remember we don’t have to figure everything out because we’re in a relationship with an entity that’s more powerful than us anyway.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Lately, I’m struggling to accept reality. I don’t mean things like the Earth being round, I mean the reality of my life. For instance, a client is one month late on a payment. I haven’t heard a peep despite the repeated telephone calls and emails I’ve sent. Every day I check my bank account hoping the payment has arrived, and when it doesn’t, I call them again, email them again, and still nothing. I’m having a LOT of trouble accepting that situation. And then there’s what happened on Saturday.
My next-door neighbor, the one that lives in a house, hired a construction crew to jackhammer their pool from 9 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. Yes, I used noise-canceling headphones, and yes it helped a lot, but still. Reality was not what I wanted. When I fantasized about how I would spend my Saturday, it was not wearing headphones all day.
For things I don’t enjoy, a part of me says, “No! It’s not supposed to be this way! Something different is supposed to happen!” It’s true I want a different reality, but that doesn’t mean it’s occurring despite my best efforts. If there’s a way for me to will my desire into existence, by golly, I’ll do it. And yet, there comes a point where there’s nothing left to do. There comes a time when you just have to wait for the jackhammer to finish, literally and metaphorically.
I’m waving the white flag, so to speak. Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash.
The only time I felt peace on Saturday is when I surrendered, when I stopped fighting reality. When I said, “You know what? This sucks. I don’t like it. But there’s nothing I can do to change it and instead of spending energy wishing things were different, I’m accepting what is.”
I don’t want to sit with pain because it’s well, painful. It’s uncomfortable. I try my best not to feel uncomfortable, but that’s not reality. In reality, life is messy, uncomfortable, it doesn’t go our way. In reality, a client is late on a payment and a jackhammer runs for about six hours. I can’t dictate reality but I can control how much or how little I’m surrendering. There’s a story I like about this.
A professor walked into class one day, held up a cup of water for all to see, and asked, “How much do you think this cup weighs?” The students answered, “50 g! 100 g! 125 g!”
“What would happen if I held the cup like this for a few minutes?” the professor asked.
“Nothing.”
“What would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?”
“Your arm would begin to ache.”
“You’re right. What would happen if I held it for a day?”
“Your arm would go numb, you would have muscle stress and paralysis and have to go to the hospital for sure!” one of the students shouted amid laughter.
“Very good. But during all this did the weight of the cup change?”
“No.”
“Then what caused the arm to ache and the muscle stress?” the professor asked.
The students were perplexed.
“What should I do now to come out of pain?” asked the professor.
“Put the cup down!” said the students.
“Exactly,” the professor replied.
I don’t have a magic wand to make things the way I want them to be, but instead of expending energy stewing in irritation, I can put the metaphorical cup down. I can say, “OK,” and stop fighting. Surrender isn’t sexy in action-oriented cultures, but there’s a reason it’s mentioned so often in spirituality. Surrender usually leads to serenity and that’s certainly something I could use more of. I bet other people could too.
I dream of a world where we accept reality. A world where we understand the wisdom in no longer fighting circumstances, of instead surrendering to what is. A world where we let go of what we can and cultivate a feeling of serenity.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I’m rereading a book I first picked up two years ago, Tosha Silver’s It’s Not Your Money, and I’m finding it’s just as powerful now as it was then. The title itself is a good place to start. It sums up the idea that nothing on this planet is truly “ours” in a permanent way. We are merely caretakers for the time being. You may think the money sitting in the bank under your name is yours, that the home you stay in belongs to you, but it doesn’t. Everything, EVERYTHING on this planet belongs to the divine beloved. At least, that’s the concept Tosha is touting.
It’s a concept that works for me because whenever I think something is “mine,” I start grasping, controlling, and getting overwhelmed. If I think money is mine, I start freaking out when I spend it, want to hoard it when I receive it, and worry about how to get more. “Am I investing properly? Am I maximizing my IRA? Should I move to a different bank?” I know that works for some people, but friends, that does. not. work. for. me.
Instead, I feel relief when I remember I’m not operating alone in this world. I can ask for help from my friends and community members. I can remember there is an ever-present loving entity that wants to help me, that’s running this entire show anyway. Tosha remarks people often say, “You’ll never find a parking spot in that area,” or “You’ll never find a house in this market.” Her response is, “You’re right. You won’t find a house in this market . . . without God.” It’s recognizing with God/source/the universe anything and everything is possible. If something is in our best interest, if it’s in our highest good, the Supreme will make it so. Even if parking is terrible, the housing market is fiercely competitive, the economy is in the toilet, etc.
Maybe we’re little hearts that belong to a bigger heart. Photo by Isaac Quesada on Unsplash
There’s one line from Tosha’s book in particular that I wrote on a piece of masking tape two years ago and affixed above my doorknob so that I see it every time I enter and exit my house. She mentions the importance of letting go of old stories and recognizing no matter what happened in the past, we can do things differently. We can live a new reality. She said, “This life now belongs to love and anything can happen.” When I remember this life now belongs to love and anything can happen, I open myself up to magic and possibilities. I let myself be taken care of by something greater than myself.
This concept about letting life belong to love means letting love lead the way. It’s about letting go of control and recognizing there is a divine presence here, in this moment, in every moment. That a loving force moves through me and through you. And furthermore, we can consciously invite that loving force into our lives.
I’ve been on the spiritual path for a long time and I still need the reminder that surrender doesn’t end the minute I leave my meditation cushion. Real surrender means saying, “Hey God/higher power/universe, I want you to take care of this. Please guide my actions. I trust where you are leading me,” and then we let go, knowing whatever needs to come, comes, and whatever needs to go, goes. We let this life belong to love.
I dream of a world where we recognize the power and the presence of a loving force in our lives. A world where we’re able to surrender and let go of our micromanaging tendencies and fully trust all true needs will be met, and often in amazing and wonderful ways. A world where we realize we will never walk alone if we let our lives belong to love.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I keep seeing suns everywhere — as a ceramic decoration on the side of a house, on cartoons, cards, etc. The sun is “talking” to me, which makes sense because I keep thinking about shining. What does it mean to shine? Where and how do I shine? Where and how do other people shine? Can I boost my shininess?
There are multiple definitions of “shine.” One of them is to emit rays of light, to give light. Another is to be eminent, conspicuous, or distinguished. I like to think of personal shining as emitting metaphorical rays of light in a conspicuous way. It’s the process of showering the self upon the world; much like the sun does for Earth. There’s a method for figuring out when and how we each shine. An Instagram post by Astrology with Andy said astrologically speaking, “The sign your sun is in [signifies] traits you identify with and/or are important to you. The house your sun is in [denotes] the area(s) of life where your sun sign’s qualities can best, and most easily, shine. The aspects your sun makes to other planets [shows] how to help your sun shine (and possible pitfalls that can dim its light).”
I want to shine brightly. Photo by Benjamin Patin on Unsplash
As for me, my sun is in Sagittarius, sits in the 11th house, and conjuncts Uranus. Qualities associated with Sagittarius (and thus ones I value) are optimism, knowledge, and broadmindedness. The 11th house is the one of friends, community, groups, etc. so I shine in groups of people. It’s no surprise that while I get nervous speaking in public, I also love it. And because my sun is conjunct Uranus (a planet that has rabble-rouser/innovator energy), I shine specifically by either standing out as a vanguard, and/or in unusual communities such as 12-step groups or a fringe spiritual organization, for instance. I’m laughing and shaking my head because that’s exactly true and once again points toward the merits of astrology. Anyone who thinks it’s b.s. just doesn’t know any better.
Being aware of all this has me wondering two things — 1.) How can I activate my shininess more? And 2.) Is what I want even possible? Is it even in the cards for me to be a bestselling author? My astrological chart essentially says, “You have an intense desire to be renowned, it’s important for your self-esteem, buuuuuuut you have to work incredibly hard to achieve that.” Astrology isn’t everything — the Divine beloved is more powerful than astrology and can make anything happen, but still. I’m not feeling all that hopeful or optimistic, and as mentioned earlier, those are traits I prize.
AND instead of falling into a pit of despair, which frankly feels tempting, I’m reminded of a concept in many spiritual philosophies, including mine: “You have the right to action but not to the fruits of the actions.” My spiritual teacher says, “Wherever there is an action, there is a corresponding reaction because every action gets either reflected or refracted. The wave produced by the action will be either reflected or refracted. Both reflection and refraction are reactions. So whenever you act, whatever the nature of that work, that is the kind of reflection or refraction it will produce. But that reflected or refracted reaction is not in your hands. To do whatever you do, that is your only right.”
To do whatever I do is my only right. How it will be received, who will read it, how popular I’ll become as a result, etc. is out of my hands and not up to me. All I can do is what I’m doing and in this case that means putting words on a page.
I dream of a world where we recognize our own unique talents and gifts. A world where we shine those gifts upon the world. A world where we understand that as much as we want to control outcomes, we cannot. A world where we realize all we can do is put in the work and let go of the rest.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Friday was my last day of work for my highest-paying freelance client. I’m not ashamed to admit I cried for multiple reasons. One, it’s an ending and it makes sense to cry when there’s a loss or a perceived loss. Two, I was hoping I’d have something else lined up by this point and I do not. So not only am I sad, I’m also scared because I’m confronting uncertainty. Yes, I have other clients, and yes, I have savings, but still. The bulk of my income came from this client and now the steady work I’ve had from them for nearly a year is gone.
The universe is always talking to me so you know what happened as soon as I turned in my last invoice? A dove flew to my living room window and then perched on the railing outside my apartment. We stared at one another for close to a full minute before the dove took off. That dove and I had a moment.
I looked up what doves mean and one website said, “What you see right now is your reality shifting in ways you never thought possible and that what you are indeed looking for is just around the corner. In this case, dove meaning shows that most chaos happens just before your dreams come true.”
A close approximation of the dove I saw. Photo by Joshua J. Cotten on Unsplash
Well if that isn’t the most perfect message to receive right now, I don’t know what is. I’m certainly in the middle of chaos. The book Animal Speak says the message from dove is to mourn what has passed, but awaken to the promise of the future. I want to cry hearing that because I don’t know what my promised future is. I don’t have a freaking clue over here. All I have are a bunch of question marks.
When I become silent and still, what bubbles up is a prayer I like from Tosha Silver. In It’s Not Your Money, she writes:
“Divine Beloved, help me trust that there is a plan far beyond what I can see through my veil of fears and illusions. May I move in harmony with Your flow, knowing in every moment all needs will be met and You alone guide me. Fill me with Your nourishing and extravagant love. I am Yours, You are mine, we are One. All if well.”
The part that jumps out at me is recognizing there’s a plan beyond what I can see through my veil of fears and illusions. I may not know what’s next for me but I’m not a ship lost at sea. There is a plan and direction for my life. What it comes back to is surrender. Surrendering to what is, surrendering to a power greater than myself, surrendering to what the Divine Beloved wants for me. Throughout my life it’s become clear I don’t know what’s best for me. I thought being an editor at a magazine living in the suburbs somewhere would be a great idea. But the reality is, I’m a much better writer than I am an editor. I don’t want to edit other people’s work or shepherd their articles. I want to write my own. Or ghostwrite. And I never would have moved in that direction if it wasn’t for the push I received from the universe.
Over and over again I remind myself I’m an instrument for the Divine Beloved. I’m here to be of service and that means pushing aside my idea of how things should go. It means loosening self-will over and over again and instead being open to something else. I don’t know what that “something else” is, but if the dove is any indication, the universe will show me.
I dream of a world where we remember we aren’t alone. A world where we understand there is a force guiding us, helping us, providing for us. A world where we loosen our grip on self-will and open ourselves up to what’s in store for us, which could be something greater than we ever imagined.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.