I can say unequivocally my entire life I’ve had the fear I would be overpowered. I’ve been afraid someone would come in and overwhelm me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. During the holidays I had a major breakthrough and it’s a fear I carry no more.
I’ve written before about looking fear in the face and seeing that perhaps our greatest fears are not as horrible as we’ve imagined. During the holidays I came to several realizations beyond that.
One, I realized I’ve already lived through all my greatest fears. Not having a job or a place to live? Check. Hello 2008. Losing someone I’ve loved? Triple check. The thing is I went through my greatest fears and lived to tell the tale. I realize I’ve been using fear as a way to protect myself because somehow I thought feeling afraid would keep me safe, or keep things from happening. As if being scared a snake will bite me will keep it from happening. (Um, it won’t.)
Obviously this past year I’ve come to realize the power of my mind. How the thoughts I think have an effect. I’ve come to realize I am a co-creator in my life. So recognizing that, I know I can create for myself a world where people are out to get me, where I’ll be overpowered, where others will harm me, or not. I can create for myself a world where I’m terrified (and quite possibly attract what I’m most scared of), or I can create something else. I can choose to believe I am safe, secure and protected. I can choose to believe I am divinely guided at each and every moment. I can choose to believe I can get through anything. And I already have.
Tapping along with this EFT video I started to believe and affirm for myself I can handle life. That there is nothing for me to be afraid of because even if I get bitten by a snake I’ll deal with it then. What’s the use of feeling afraid now? During the holidays I reminded myself I am fully capable of dealing with anything and everything so I don’t have to feel afraid. Instead I can walk around feeling calm and confident, taking life on life’s terms. Releasing my fear is pretty much a culmination of everything I’ve been talking about for the past year: releasing my need for control, trusting in a power greater than myself, co-creating my own reality, being present and in the moment. It all came together between Christmas and New Year’s.
The big breakthrough though occurred when I went to a yoga and meditation retreat in
Lastly, I finally understood love is all there is. That underneath my currents of fear, sadness, anger, etc., is a river of love. I realized my ego constructs all my other emotions and they act as an overlay for the love beneath. My ego masks the ever-present pure love surrounding me. I realized I am in the divine flow and in the divine flow there can be no harm, only love. Love is all there is.
And so I dream of a world where we release all that is unlike love in our minds and our bodies. A world where we deeply and completely love and approve and accept ourselves. A world where we release our need for fear because instead we recognize we are love. I dream of a world where we swim in the divine current, letting ourselves be carried, knowing we can handle life. A world where we feel the all-pervasive love surrounding us. A world where we return to love letting our fears wash away like the ocean smoothing out a beach.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
What I realize though is I don’t need a safety net. A safety net is an illusion anyway because even safety nets have a tendency to disappear. The thing is though, why even have a safety net in the first place? Why not just go all out and shoot for my dreams knowing I’ll be taken care of? That the universe is backing me, guiding me, protecting me at every moment? Why not go after what I want even if it seems illogical and ridiculous and completely unattainable?
I’m not sure I’m making any sense but I have a little story I’d like to share.
In 2007 when I worked in
Shortly thereafter I went to a WNBA game with a friend of mine. As we started walking toward the exit I looked down at my wrist and realized my bracelet was gone. (The bracelet is a little bit too big for me and so the T-bar has a tendency to slip from the clasp.) I started searching around me in a panic, checking my pockets, my sleeve, the ground. I retraced my steps, went back to the bathroom to see if it had fallen on the tiles. I scanned the crowded hallway and couldn’t find it. My friend and I went back to our seats and there it was, on the cement, directly below where I was sitting.
Yesterday while I sat at my desk at work one of my coworkers came up to me, with my bracelet dangling from his fingers. “Is this yours?” I hadn’t even realized I lost it but nonetheless, my bracelet found its way back to me.
Last night on my walk to the chiropractor I realized I lost my bracelet again. I scanned the pavement looking for it. I kept my eyes trained on the ground for six blocks looking for it to no avail. I probably lost it somewhere on my mile walk from work to my apartment. Since I work from home on Thursdays I couldn’t even look for it today so I called one of my coworkers and asked her to keep an eye out for it. But what are the odds I would find it? It could have fallen off anywhere. Someone else could have picked it up; it could have been thrown away by someone sweeping the sidewalks. It could have fallen into a sewer grate. In all likelihood my bracelet was gone.
This morning as I went to the basement to do some laundry I looked at the windowsill in the stairwell. And there was my bracelet, waiting for me. Of all the places it could have been, of all the possibilities, my bracelet found its way back to me.
I bring this up because some things seem completely illogical, unreasonable, and far-fetched but if they’re meant to be they will happen. If you’re meant to have something, you will. If you’re meant to be a famous actress, the stars will align. This bracelet belongs to me for now, wants to be with me for now, and so it keeps finding me over and over again despite all odds.
A safety net? I don’t need it because in truth there is no option B. My life will work out the way it’s fated. My dreams may not stay the same year after year, but if they do, that tells me something. If after surrendering, if after opening myself up to whatever is in my best interest I still get pointed back toward something then it will come to pass. Whatever it is will defy all odds. Miracles happen everyday. Just look at my bracelet.
I’m not going to tell you I don’t have any doubts some days, because I do, but I can tell you I’m trying to release them. I’m using EFT and affirmations and whatever else to truly believe what the universe is trying to tell me via signs and “coincidences.” I’m releasing all doubts because all I can do is aim for option A.
I dream of a world where we can trust in ourselves and the universe. A world where we shoot for our dreams full force knowing if it’s meant to be it will happen. A world where we know everything happens for a reason in our best interest. A world where we know magic happens and the impossible is possible. A world where we know our “safety nets” are our dreams because that’s what we’re being guided to do.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This week I learned a lot about myself, where I am, and where I’d like to go. Someone I went to high school with died on Tuesday and it hit me like a Mack truck. We weren’t close but it brought up all this stuff for me. As soon as I heard the news I wanted to pick up the phone and call somebody, I wanted someone to comfort me.
As I walked home from work, tears leaking out from the corners of my eyes, my Papa did his best to pacify me. He said all the right things, made all the right soothing noises but it wasn’t enough. So then I called my mom. And she did all the same things. And it still wasn’t enough. And then I called some more people and it still wasn’t enough. After all this I realized, yet again, the comfort I crave has to come from me. The unconditional love, affection, and support has to come from within because coming from the outside it will never be enough. Because the outside love and comfort runs out. Because it’s unsustainable.
I think of it like a car. A car needs to run on gasoline but it can only go so far before it needs a refill. It’s the same way with getting love from the outside – it will help for a little while but eventually we’ll need more. Eventually we’ll run through the love and support someone else gave us and return for our refill. And keep returning unless we learn to refill ourselves. I’d rather generate my own love, affection, comfort and support because my supply is infinite. The love, affection, comfort and support coming from me never ends and never will end. And I don’t need a telephone or a computer to access it either, it’s right here with me at all times.
So here I am, back to self-love, back to filling up my own cup of happiness, back to relying on myself to meet my needs. Turning to myself for the unconditional love and support I crave. And I see how the more I love and approve and accept myself as I am, the more I can do that for others. Once I fill up myself, any leftovers can be given to other people.
The other issue Ryan’s death brought up for me was fear. Fear of what will happen to me. Fear I won’t realize my dreams. Fear of the future, which really means lack of trust. Lack of trust what’s best for me will happen. Lack of trust I’ll be taken care of. I would like to release my need for fear and instead turn my fear into trust and that’s done through love. Love for me and love for God.
Because life is magical, I of course came across this post on Louise L. Hay’s website (which I recommend reading) that deals with this very subject. Louise articulates exactly what I’ve been feeling using the exact same imagery. Before I came across the article, I wrote an e-mail to a friend saying how I think fear obscures our brightness. How fear is like a cloud that blocks out the sun. And how I’d rather live in the light. How I’d rather realize my own magnificence. In fact, that’s one of the affirmations Louise recommends: “I am now willing to only see my magnificence.”
And so, I realize I created this mental pattern, this need for fear, but so too I realize I can uncreate it. I have the power to change my mind and I use that power to create a life I wish to lead. I want to feel loved at all times. I want to feel safe at all times in all situations. I want to trust in my Creator and my Creator’s plan for me. I want to realize my magnificence and rise above thoughts that attempt to make me afraid. I am already cradled by the Divine in each and every moment – now it’s up to me to remember that.
I dream of a world where we love ourselves unconditionally. Where we feel safe in the here and now. Where we release our need for fear. Where we recognize ourselves to be bright, shining stars. A world where peace and harmony reign. A world where we feel at ease because we know and trust all our needs will be met. A world filled with magic and wonder and awe. A world where we see everything as an expression of an infinite, loving consciousness. Ourselves included.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I’ve been dancing around the topic of surrender since I first started this blog because it revolves around the issues of planning, control, trust and fear. Basically everything.
“But what is the best way to surrender? Prayer? Asking God for this and for that? There the responsibility for what you ask is yours – you might ask for something very inferior, although you approach the All-Powerful for it. The best prayer is, therefore, ‘Oh Lord! Do whatever you think fit and best for me. I do not know in which way lies my good – You know.” – Shrii Shrii Anandamurti
When I think of surrender I think of letting go. The phrase “letting go and letting God” comes to mind. I have had many conversations with my father where I’m blubbering on the phone about how stressed I am or how I want something or how I’m extremely frustrated, something like that. He’ll say to me, “Rebekah. Unclench your first. Soften. Soften.” I HATE it when he says that to me but undoubtedly he’s right. I’m holding onto something too tightly. I’m gnawing on an idea or situation like a dog with a bone. I’m clenching so tightly nothing can flow or move. Certainly not what I want to happen anyway. So surrender to me is loosening my grasp on whatever it is that gives me trouble.
In the past I’ve used the imagery of dandelion seeds blowing out of my hand and being carried by the wind. That imagery works for me but so do some other things.
When I’m holding tightly I say, “God, I just want what’s best for me. You know what that is. I want to align my will with your will and to know your plan for me. I give it to you and put it in your hands.” Some other methods I have for surrender are writing down everything associated with the event/person/idea, every thought I have, and then ripping up the piece of paper and burning it. Or flushing it down the toilet. The point is I’m getting rid of it, I’m letting go, I’m surrendering in a physical way. Some people do this same sort of thing with a box, called a God box. Another method I have is to get on my knees and imagine a lotus flower in my hands. I close my eyes and let a color spring to mind and offer it to God by placing it on the floor before me. I do this four times and on the fourth the flower is white because white is the color that encompasses all colors. It is the color of surrender and acceptance. I fall completely to the floor and prostrate myself before God in an act of humility and surrender.
Why surrender in the first place? Threads of this run through my blog – God has sweeter plans for us in mind, things are easier, etc. Mostly though I surrender and want to surrender because then it’s no longer in my head. It’s no longer something I’m worried about or obsessing over and I get peace of mind. I feel tranquil and calm. I feel better, easier, and yes, softer. I feel carried by a force greater than me and I can relax. I can sink into the feather bed my creator put before me and let someone else take over for a while. I get to nap instead.
Surrender is something I’ll have to do over and over again I’m sure. It’s not like I can surrender once and boom, that’s it. It doesn’t work that way because there will always be new situations, new people, new things. But what I hope is I will surrender faster and faster. Instead of waiting for my idea to fester, I want to surrender when it’s a mere scratch on my skin as opposed to a deep wound. I want to let go of it more quickly. And I trust pretty soon it will get to the point where I’m surrendered all the time. Where I’m dancing in the divine rhythm and surrendered at each and every moment.
I dream of a world where we give up our own notions and instead attune ourselves to God’s. A world where we say, “I do not know what’s best for me. You do. I give it to you.” A world where things are easy and filled with grace. Where we let go of the ideas that keep us fettered to our own minds. A world where we let go of the idea we know what’s best for us and instead turn to something bigger than ourselves. A world where we move in the divine flow and paddle with the current as opposed to against it. A world where surrender comes naturally and we live it day by day, moment by moment. A world where we sync up our lives with what God has in store for us and understand God’s plan is always better. A world where letting go is a good thing, a great thing, a God thing.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
For the past few weeks especially I’ve been going through some serious mental anguish. The reason for my strife is I’ve been at war with myself. I’ve been divided between my head and my heart. My mind and my intuition have been at odds and in that state I experience the worst kind of hell.
Instead of going internally for answers I’ve been seeking outside help. “What do you think I should do? What do you think I should do? And you?” I’ve been asking friends and family for advice, caught up in this manic state of hopping from one person to another. And that? That does me no good.
The reason I’ve refused to look internally for answers, to talk to my intuition, is I’ve been afraid of what it would say. When I want something so badly I’m scared of hearing it won’t come to fruition. But I’ve found it’s still better to listen even when I don’t want to because otherwise life becomes unbearable.
I bring this up because it’s scary to listen to your intuition when it flies in the face of logic. It’s scary to go against the grain, especially when every person in your life opposes your decision. I think it’s important to distinguish here between whim and intuition. I get a passing fancy every now and again to jump on a plane and fly to New Zealand. That my friends is escapism, not intuition. However, if every cell of my body screamed for me to go to New Zealand, if it was couched in more than just ego-centered desire, it’s intuition.
I want to follow my intuition every step of the way. I want to feel steadfast even when I’m alone in my decision. I love my friends and family but how can they know what’s best for me? We barely know what’s best for ourselves. I want to stop getting distracted by the colorful pinwheel folds of my mind and instead focus on the gold-colored fastener in the middle where my intuition resides. I want to go deeply within and align my desires to my intuition. I wish to be me and know me and stay true to my core. I wish to be with my core always. I want to listen to my intuition always even when I’m scared of the answer. I wish to follow it because I know life is better when I do so.
I envision a world where we go internally for answers. A world where we listen to ourselves and our inner divinity. A world where we know ourselves and trust ourselves above all others. Where we do not become clouded by doubts and logic but rather move ahead at full steam because we want what’s in our best interest. I dream of a world where we know our core and listen to our core. Where we do not get distracted by what others say to us and instead do the “illogical” things anyway if that is where we’re being guided. I envision a world where we know true happiness and true peace because we follow our instincts.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Keeping the faith is hard work.
When things don’t work out the way I want them to I start railing against the Universe: “Why are you putting me through this?? I hate you for doing this to me! Why can’t it happen the way I want?!?” etc. I get angry and pissed off and feel like screaming. Basically I turn into a petulant child.
It’s funny though because I’m getting upset things aren’t working out the way I want them to. Little ole me really thinks I know what’s best for my life as opposed to the force responsible for life and death? As opposed to the force that causes the world to spin? As opposed to the force that causes flowers to bloom and the sun to shine? Really? Really?
I think of something a friend said to me recently. She said every moment of anger/sadness/frustration is a love poem from our creator and it’s up to us to decipher it. I see how my frustration boils down to a lack of patience. How I want things to happen NOW, this instant. But some things cannot happen now. Some things take time. I see how my creator is trying to cultivate patience in me and unshakable faith.
And if I really think about it I’ve been shown time and again what’s best for me happens. I’ve been shown time and again my wildest dreams are ant-sized compared to what my creator has in store for me. But I’m human so keeping the faith is hard. I have a tendency to doubt.
For now I keep dusting myself off when I stumble on my path toward steadfast faith. For now I keep picking myself up and I keep going forward because I know where I want to be. And this? This is not it.
I want to be in a place where my faith does not waver. I want to be in a place of constant trust and surrender. I want to be in a place where I have no doubt my creator is taking care of me. Where frustration does not exist because rather I savor what’s in front of me. Where I understand things take time and I may have to wait a little bit. Where I am ok with the questions and the ambiguity because I have hope and faith things will be turn out and they will be glorious. Where I trust even the crappy hard things are in my best interest.
And I have that wish for others.
I dream of a world where we all turn our frustration into something positive. A world where we have patience. A world where we understand everything is in our best interest. I dream of a world where trust and faith reign supreme. Where we all truly believe the universe is taking care of us. Where we open ourselves up and surrender to the divine will. Where we allow ourselves to be carried like sailboats on the water because we know there is a force greater than ourselves guiding the way.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I know I already wrote a post about this but since it’s coming up for me again I decided to revisit it.
Lately I’m finding it hard to trust in God/the Universe/My Creator. Lately I find it hard to trust in an amorphous thing I can’t put my finger on. I find it hard to trust because as I mentioned in my previous entry, there are certain things I want so badly I’m worried if I let go, if I open my fist, if I give up the illusion of control, somehow they won’t come true. Somehow my dreams will be lost in the ether never to be realized.
I worry by trusting in a power greater than myself, by giving up my “control” I won’t get what I want.
And yet that’s not the case.
Last night I went to a Catholic Mass with some friends. The priest? pastor? said many things but one of his lines was to trust in God. To trust in God’s plan for us.
As I reflect on my life I see how it has all worked out in my best interest. God has my back, if you will. And not just my back but everyone’s back. I’m not alone in this or special or something. I bet if each and every one of us really examined our lives we would see how even our worst hell taught us something. How we needed to go through hell so X could happen.
I see how even when I wanted something so desperately, like to go to Northwestern University, it’s actually better I didn’t. I see how God knows what’s best for me even before I do. I see how God also has my best interest in mind. I see how I’m guided and pushed and pulled in a certain direction and even though I often feel like there’s a blindfold over my eyes, I never trip over tree stumps. I never end up with a bloody nose. Why? Because God loves me. And you. And everyone.
I also keep circling around something the famous Heather said: “Your dreams are ant-sized compared to what your creator has in store for you.”
So far she’s been right. I never in a million years would have told you this would be my life. I never would have guessed I would live in California or travel so much or experience the things I have. If I had it my way I would have lived in Maryland with two cats and a white picket fence by now. I see how God’s plan for me is so much sweeter, so my grander and so much greater than my own.
Even though I’m having trouble trusting as of late, I also see how I have no reason to doubt God. I have never been led astray.
I envision a world where I and others like me can trust in the Universe. Where we let go our need to control and instead let God lead our little life raft. I envision a world where we trust what happens to us is for our own good and stop trying to micromanage our lives. I envision a world where we try to align our will with God’s will and realize our utmost potential. I envision a world where all people strive for their dreams and never settle because it’s a “safe bet.” I envision a world where we not only trust but we know we’ll be taken care of no matter what. Where we open our arms and lift our hands up to the sky and proclaim, “You know what’s best for me. I trust in you.” Where we realize God’s plan for us is better than our own.
I know not only is another world possible, it’s probable.
It seems lately I keep running into people who are trying to figure out what their calling is. What they were put on this Earth to do. I am by no means an authority but I do have some thoughts about it.
I believe every person on this Earth is here for a reason. There are no accidents, there are no coincidences.
One of the best things my friend Heather, who is a spiritual life coach, said is, “I came to this planet for a reason and that reason is being fulfilled in this very moment with grace and ease. As always.” I really think that’s true.
The question becomes how do you figure out the reason?
For me it’s writing. When I write the world vanishes, time stops and I feel like I’m transported somewhere else. When I write I feel like I’m brushing against the divine and accessing my highest, most true self. When I write I feel a connection to God. When I write I feel like I’m tapping into something greater than me.
I think every person has something like that in their life. I think every person has an activity where they feel graced and loved and true and beautiful. I think every person has something in their life where they are guided, where they are most connected to God. I think your “calling,” your reason for being here, is connected to that feeling. If it’s when you sing, by all means sing. If it’s when you paint, or design websites or bake cookies, do it! How can we not want to do the activity that makes us feel the most alive, the most graced, the most connected to God? How could our purpose on Earth be anything other than to tap into our gift? Whatever makes your heart soar you should align with, in my opinion.
Once you find your calling there’s the whole matter of following through with it. (See “Fear, Trust and Dreaming Big.”)
I think part of the problem with finding your calling is some people are so out of touch with themselves they have no idea what makes their heart soar or what they enjoy. It’s like we’re all floating in the ocean looking for our life raft. Some of us flail around a bit and then bump into it. Some people flail around and panic because they can’t find it. Some people just stop looking. For those people who have been floating for so long they can’t even remember what a life raft looks like, it becomes necessary to shout out for help. By all means, shout out for help! No need to tirelessly continue swimming when someone will throw you a raft. And I promise, you’ll get a raft. It’s a universal law.
I don’t think it matters if you have to seek a spiritual life coach or pray a lot or whatever to find your calling. Finding it is all that counts. Why should you torture yourself by doing a job you hate just to make money? Isn’t life too precious?
I dream of a world where everyone knows what they are on this earth to do and they aren’t afraid of pursuing it. I dream of a world where people are in touch with their calling and they use their gift to benefit others. I dream of a world where people are happy and joyful because they have a sense of purpose, a reason for being alive. I dream of a world where no one wakes up in the morning filled with dread because they have to go to their horrible job where they are barely scraping by. I dream of a world where everyone lives up to their utmost potential, where talent is encouraged and where we all realize our reason for being here.
I see that world. I see how we’re on the cusp of it. It is my deepest belief not only is another world possible, it’s probable.
Happy New Year! So, you may or may not know but right now is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. I realize not everyone who reads this is Jewish, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the benefits a new year brings, even if it is in September/October.
Seeing as how a new year often involves resolutions and hopes for what the new year will bring I have a few I’d like to share.
I envision a world where people aren’t freaking out about the economy, where they aren’t lamenting how horrible the world is. I envision a world where everyone’s basic needs are met. Where they don’t have to worry where their next meal is coming from or where they’ll be living tomorrow. I envision a world where people know and understand there is enough – enough money, enough food, enough water, enough land to go around. I envision a world where people recognize we are all brothers and sisters and as such we need to take care of each other. I envision a world where compassion reigns supreme and hording is not allowed. I envision a world where the disparity between the rich and the poor is not so pronounced. I envision a world where all people are valued whether they are a drunk or a doctor. I envision a world where human value takes precedence over money. A world where people can instead focus on what brings them joy, on what they can do to contribute to society.
I know it’s hard when everyone is going nuts about the stock market, but seriously, how does being afraid help anyone? How does being stuck in that fear place serve any purpose? Maybe this crisis is exactly what we need – a chance to re-examine our government and our economy. A chance for us to say, “hey, maybe this isn’t working. Maybe we should rethink things.” What better time than a new year?
There are options for us. There are solutions. There are at least a thousand nonprofits working on these very issues.
A quote from my spiritual teacher Shrii Shrii Anandamurti that goes something like this comes to mind: “Your difficulties will never be greater than your ability to overcome them.”
So I believe not only is another world possible, it’s probable.
What I’ve been struggling with lately is accepting that whatever happens to me — whether I like it or not — is in my best interest. It’s hard to believe when bad things happen, like breaking your leg, not getting your dream job, or getting rejected by someone you really like, that it’s actually in your best interest.
Last night I got an e-mail that convinced me otherwise.
Most of you are probably aware of the humanitarian disaster in Gonaives, Haiti resulting from Tropical Storm Hanna and Hurricane Ike. I have a friend down there doing relief work. He’s been living in Haiti for a few years now. In his mass e-mail my friend writes, “The need is so overwhelming, the suffering of the people is so heart-breaking and the needs are so immediate, that this situation has introduced a vital flow of dynamism and the potentiality for very rapid decisions and going through loops in shorter time.”
He goes on to say ACDI, a nonprofit, is about to give the Ananda Marga Universal Relief Team/AMURT Ladies (the nonprofit my friend works for) a large food contract that will benefit tens of thousands of people. UNICEF also wants to give AMURT/EL the green light to implement projects in Gonaives. In addition, the Ministry of Interior is asking AMURT/EL to put together a stress-management program, using yoga as a base. The UN Civil Affairs Office is invited AMURT/EL to give yoga and meditation classes. My friend says the emphasis on things like environmental protection, integrated management, women’s programs and more, has grown.
The reason I bring this up is not to tout yoga and meditation but to point out how much change this horrible disaster is bringing. How there is so much capacity to do good work. How people are coming together in the streets to help one another. How in the face of such a tragedy people are joining hands and demonstrating all that is good about being human. I bring up this tragedy in Haiti as an illustration of how even when something horrible happens, good can come from it. Who knows how much Haiti will change now? Much-needed funds are flooding that country bringing all sorts of change.
My point is that even when horrible, crappy things happen it’s all ultimately for the best. It highlights the need for change, throws people together who otherwise wouldn’t have mingled and creates dynamism. Am I glad several hurricanes hit Haiti and people were injured and hurt? Of course not. Can I see how good can come from this? Yes. I see hope and possibility and strength and kindness. I see that another world is not possible, it’s probable.