This post is a continuation of one I wrote a few weeks ago called “It won’t look the way we think,” because I’m finding what I think I want and what I actually want can sometimes be two different things. This happens to me at times when my life is about to undergo a major shift, when I’m shedding old skin and growing into someone new. The first time my egoic desires didn’t line up with my heart’s desires was when I had to decide whether to move to San Francisco or not. After college I really thought I’d be happy living in the suburbs of D.C. for the rest of my life with a husband and two cats, writing for a magazine. The universe had other things in mind and threw me an enormous curveball by telling me, “No. You don’t want to live in D.C. forever – you need to move to San Francisco.” The journey that took me from D.C. to California is detailed extensively in my book, Just a Girl from Kansas, which will be available to friends and family (and followers of this blog) in the next few weeks. And now I find myself at another crossroads.
Many of you already know this – especially because I blogged about it in November – but I have had a HELL of a time sleeping in my apartment. It’s been one damn thing after another since August. In my mind, I was going to live in this apartment until I got married but the universe has other plans because it’s again telling me, “No, you need to move now.” I know this because it has literally been one thing after another to keep me from enjoying my space, not to mention I’m scared to go to sleep every night because I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep through it. My friend said to me, “That’s no way to live.” And he’s right, it’s not. The interesting thing is prior to all of this no-sleeping business I literally cried multiple times because I wished someone would make dinner for me while I packed to leave for a trip. I thought it was going to be in the form of a boyfriend, but it turns out I’m moving into a house where they like to make dinner for everyone in it.
This moving situation is again an instance where my head desires and heart desires are misaligned because the house is everything I’ve asked for. It’s big, has an alcove separate from my bedroom that can be my work space, it’s sunny, with a dishwasher, washer and dryer, close to public transportation, quiet, and filled with people who are ready and willing to share cooking and cleaning. Sounds like what I ultimately wanted, yes?
I’ve been grieving about leaving my old place because I really have loved living here. While listening to Doreen Virtue’s blog radio show I finally felt some peace. The caller (also named Rebecca) said her life feels like it’s unraveling. Doreen’s response to her was, “Let your life unravel – that’s not what you want anymore anyway.” Her words struck me because that’s also true for me. Because I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to live here anymore. I don’t want to constantly have to assert myself. I don’t want to have to deal with random noises and neighbors and parking lots attendants whistling to get someone’s attention. I’m trading that all in for a place where I hear birds whistling, not people. Where there’s no one stomping around above me. Where I don’t have to worry about passing crack addicts and homeless people. So maybe my higher power knows what I want and need better than I do.
I dream of a world where we allow ourselves to move with the universal energy that’s guiding us. A world where we stretch our goals and dreams and allow them to change as we change. A world where we pay attention to the reality before us and do something about it. A world where we know sometimes our heart and our head won’t match up but that’s ok, because in the end we’ll get what we ultimately wanted anyway.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
“I need it. I have to have it. I want it, why can’t you give it to me?” That’s how I feel this week. An upwelling urge of “this must be in my life.” I feel like I’m pleading my case to God/the Universe/Brahma trying to make Him understand why it’s important for me to get what I want.
“You see God, it’s not a matter of want, it’s a matter of need and that makes all the difference. Need trumps want, dontcha know?”
Abraham Hicks says, “We found that to be the case with your mother. If you pleaded a really needy case, sometimes she’d give up the goods.” (If you want to hear more of what Abraham has to say on neediness, you can go here.)
Dear Father In The Clouds, isn’t it the same with you? If I tell you what I need and why I need it, will you also give up the goods? Somehow, weirdly, the answer is no. (And doesn’t that just blow?) The only way I can describe why that’s the case is to liken neediness to desperation. I wrote about this before, but as a freshman in college at UNC I was desperate for friends and I had the worst time making any. When people smell the desperation on you they stay far, far away. It’s probably the same with the Universe. When you are desperate and needy the energy just isn’t flowing. I don’t think God says, “Rebekah, you cannot have what you want,” because I don’t think God is Santa Claus, but I will say there is something to the law of attraction and the energy I’m putting out.
If what I want is beautiful and wholesome and flowing how does feeling needy, desperate and clingy make me a match to what I want? It doesn’t. I think for a long time I’ve equated need with want, but in truth they’re not the same. Wants and desires are natural. They are what keep us propelling forward and moving through life. They are what dictate progress and expansion.
Last week a friend of mine said he reached a point where he was without desire and he stood still for an hour because he didn’t know what to do next. He was practically paralyzed because he didn’t have a desire to do anything. I think it’s a poignant example of how desires are a good thing. It’s fine for me to want something, in fact, it’s expected. The need though? The desperate clingy feeling that goes along with it? That’s unnecessary.
In truth, all I need I already have. On a mundane level I have food to eat, a place to sleep, water to drink, and a supportive community. I’m set. On a spiritual level I am already whole and complete and perfect. My needs are taken care of. Wants, well, those are an entirely different beast.
It’s ok to have wants. It’s perfectly natural. But you know? I don’t need my wants to manifest. I don’t have to plead my case to God to grant my wishes. Instead I can say, “It would be nice to have X.” It feels good to fantasize about those things, trusting if they’re meant to be, they’ll happen. To know all that stuff has its own timeline and can’t be rushed. To also acknowledge I am where I am and where I am is alright. To stay in the place of gratitude and appreciation for my life as it is, not as I wish it to be.
I dream of world where we separate needs and wants. Where we acknowledge all we need we already have. That we are fulfilled by all that is already given to us. I dream of a world where we fantasize about our wants, recognizing neediness doesn’t make them come any faster. A world where love where we are and are eager to experience what’s next.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Right now I’m feeling some tightness in my heart because there are some things I want so badly. I’m comparing myself to other people and wanting what they have. Inherent in those feelings of jealousy and envy is the idea of “can’t.” Why can’t I go to
I think about the book/movie that came out a few years ago, “The Secret,” which details the law of attraction. In essence, the recommendations are think about what you want, really believe you will get it with all your heart, think about it as if you already have it, visualize it, feel good and positive in your life, and feel gratitude for what you already have.
I’m reminding myself the only barrier to anything in life is my own mind. I think about how I’ve always gotten what I wanted – not necessarily in the timeframe I had in mind, but it’s always come true. I think about how a few years ago I walked past the National Cathedral and said to myself, “One day I want to live in this neighborhood.” Three years later I did. I said the same thing about living in
My point though is I’m not a special case. It’s not like only the things I want most in the world come true. Our minds are powerful beyond measure. If we get out of our own way, anything is possible (and probable). Instead of spiraling into negativity saying things like, “Oh, it’s too expensive,” or “I’ll never get the time off,” or whatever it is, I’d rather be in a place of complete trust and surrender. I’d rather be in the place where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt all my deepest wishes will come true at the proper moment. Where I believe there are no blocks in my life, there are no hindrances, only open skies and smooth sailing.
I dream of a world where we all move through life with love and ease and grace feeling at peace with our lives because we know what we wish will come true. Where we are each our own biggest ally, where we know the mind can accomplish anything and indeed it will. I dream of a world where we feel gratitude for our lives knowing what we want comes to us, because it always does. A world where we understand our own power. A world where we experience life as the magical existence we always thought it could be.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Up until this evening I would have told you I need x, y, and z to be happy. I “have” to have such and such in order to experience joy. I “need” so and so to be in my life to feel fulfilled.
Tonight I experienced a shift.
Tonight I did some healing and realized, wait a minute, I don’t “need” to be in a relationship with someone, I don’t “need” an umbrella or a laundry hamper or a job or an apartment to be happy. All those things could vanish tomorrow and my soul, my essence, would remain unchanged. Who I am can never be harmed.
I realized tonight that yes, the things I surround myself with make life cozier but I don’t need them. I don’t “need” anything except for God. All I need is contained within myself right now, here, in this moment. All that I am, all that I will ever be, is locked in this body. All the rest is just trappings.
My happiness, my joy, my bliss cannot be found in the arms of another person, nor in a new computer or a brand new car. I recognize the people and the objects in my life for what they are: a gift. All of it, all of it, all of it is a gift from God for a short span of time. Everything in my life is a gift.
So no, I don’t need a man or new shoes or a job to be happy. All of it is just stuff — stuff to distract me, stuff to shield me, stuff to make life easier. But it is all transient. People and things will come into my life and they will leave my life. But I remain the same.
No object, no person, no situation will “make” me happy or give me the lasting satisfaction I crave. In yoga we say human beings have a thirst for limitless. What we really crave is pure bliss all the time. We delude ourselves into thinking a certain situation, a certain thing will give us that pure bliss. It won’t.
All I need is me. And God. I am all. I am that. I am Him. I am everything. Everything is me.
I envision a world where we as humans don’t get entrenched in our belongings, our things, our objects. I envision a world where we all recognize the people and things in our lives are not where happiness can be found, but rather they are gifts. Gifts to be cherished for the short time they are with us but not clutched in our hands like life preservers. I envision a world where everyone recognizes their own divinity. A world where we all recognize our needs and wants are fulfilled at every moment all the time.
I envision a world where we all express our truest most authentic selves. A world where we let our beauty and divinity shine through. A world where objects are merely that: objects. I envision a world where we reach for God and rise above the material things in our lives to grasp onto our inner divinity.
I know not only is another world possible, it’s probable.