Every morning for the past month or so, upon awakening I put my hand on my heart and say, "I love how sensitive you are because that means you are better able to accept and receive divine messages." Lately what that means for me is feeling my intuition in a tangible way. In the past, my intuition would be a thought, but now it's a thought accompanied by a physical sensation.
The other day I traversed the Bay into San Francisco. On my return home I had options for where I would change trains: Civic Center, Powell, Montgomery, or Embarcadero. As my train pulled into Powell St. station I had the thought, "I should get off here to catch my train," and then my body chimed in by feeling warm and tingly. I was practically excited by the idea of transferring at Powell St. In an impulsive move (because previously I had decided to transfer at Embarcadero, the more "sensible" thing to do), I jumped off the train and walked to my next platform. Lo and behold, within 30 seconds the exact train I needed arrived.
This little girl is tuning in. You can just tell. And, er, copyright is bloggysarah.
Doreen Virtue often says our bodies are our best divining tools — if we feel something in the body that's an intuitional message. It's certainly true for me — the more I've been taking care of my body the more strongly my body speaks to me. I bring this up because I think many of us spend time divorcing our bodies from our minds. When there's a decision to make — big or small — we employ our rational minds, ask a lot of people for advice, and then make our decision. The truth is we already know what to do. We're already receiving the message.
Intuition is often painted as the opposite of logic. In my experience that's false. Intuition encompasses logic plus other factors that I can't see. It seems to me intuition is more logical than logic because it transcends the rational mind. Intuition includes rationality but also acts like a bird soaring in the sky, offering a much broader perspective.
I need that broader perspective because from where I'm sitting things are, er, a little bleak. I don't know where I'm living after Thursday. I'm unclear what's going on with my finances and if I'll be able to afford to live by myself. I'm thinking about buying scooter (like a Vespa) but I don't know if I'd enjoy it or if it's a good decision. If I employed my rational mind I'd be a wreck, full of fear and anxiety. It's important for me to sink into my body and use my intuition because I know I'll be OK. I know I'll find a place to live. I know all of my needs will always be met. I have to stay close to my intuition and keep feeling what's going on in my body in order to maintain my sanity and to sift through all these decisions. My intuition is working for the small things so I have to trust it will work for the big ones too.
I dream of a world where we pay attention to our intuition. A world where we understand our bodies are our divining rods so it's important to take care of them. A world where we trust what we feel. A world where we give in to those intuitional impulses even when they seem illogical because in truth they're probably more logical than logic.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
In journalism we have a saying, "content is king." It means good content sells newspapers, boosts page views, and garners subscribers. While I agree "content is king," I think the biggest king of all is compassion. The word "compassion" comes from Middle English via the Latin word compati to sympathize, or com- + pati to bear, suffer. In my mind that means to bear together, to understand where another person is coming from.
Lately, I find compassion is so important because it gives me peace and serenity. When I can postulate why somebody is acting the way they are, I am better able to forgive them, to let whatever it is go. I don't stay angry or resentful; instead I'm able to glide through life like water running off a duck's back — that stuff slides right off. For someone who spent much of her life not at peace, this is a big deal. It's a relief to not keep an emotional scorecard, to fume over how people "should" behave.
Even the Buddha says to fill your mind with compassion.
For instance, last night my taxi driver was laughably bad. He kept mixing up his numbers and directions. "Did the GPS say to turn left on 56th st?" "No," I replied, "65th." "Left or right?" "Left." He wanted to turn down Telegraph when the GPS clearly said Shattuck. (Oh, and yes, those are California street names because I'm back in California!) When we pulled up to my rental, he told me there was a $5 extra fee for crossing the bridge. I'm pretty sure that was a scam but I paid it anyway. I'm not angry at the guy for his possible machinations because if dude is so desperate and fearful about money, how can I possibly be angry at him? Don't get me wrong, I'm going to call the cab company and talk to them about it, but continuing to feel angry about it accomplishes nothing.
Having compassion means I can deal with it and let it go. I'm letting that stuff go! I don't need any more emotional baggage, thankyouverymuch — I have plenty to deal with already. One of the absolute best ways to take the wind out of my sails and help me to forgive, to find compassion for other people, is asking, "Do I remember other people (myself included) are emotionally ill and frequently wrong?" Because they are and I am. Ain't nobody escaping through life unscathed. We are all warriors on this spiritual journey. And let me tell you, the more I forgive and have compassion for other people, the more I have it for myself. The more I'm able to let myself off the hook when I do something dumb or put my foot in my mouth. And ladies and gentlemen, that is a miracle.
I dream of a world where we all have compassion for ourselves and each other. A world where we let go of the things that bother us. A world where we understand where people are coming from. A world where we realize we're all in this together doing the best we can.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
I am a fire sign. Not just astrologically (I'm a Sagittarius), but also my ayurvedic dosha. I want to do all the time. Resting is the complete antithesis of my natural tendencies but it has become clear to me in recent months resting is of the utmost importance.
My latest interest is growing my self-love tree, which means loving me on an even deeper level. Christine Arylo, the author of Madly in Love with ME, advises every morning asking, "What do I need today?" or "What do I need to receive today?" Every day for months now the answer has been "rest." She also advises conducting an energy check-in to gauge how full your energy tank is. My energy level today is a -30. Christine says don't give of yourself unless your energy tank is at 75-100. Whoops.
I need to be like the butterfly and cocoon.
I say "whoops" like it's an accident I'm so depleted, but it's not. I've pushed myself so hard to do everything, anything. As soon as my energy tank gets even a little full I empty it completely. Guys, this is not sustainable. My temporary relocation to Washington, D.C. was supposed to be an act of radical self-care, and it was, but I need more than a little time out; I need a full-on hibernation. Actually, I need a cocooning.
When I was in Europe I kept seeing butterflies everywhere. Not live ones, decals. On my hotel door, on the window. Yesterday I saw one on a girl's dress. I think the universe is constantly communicating with us, so of course I looked up what butterflies meant in shamanism. One of the most obvious is transformation. I want to be transformed. I want to be full of energy. I want to break free of all the mental prisons I've constructed for myself. I want liberation from the darkness and I want almost everything about my life to change, so of course the butterfly is showing up. Like the butterfly, I want my magnificence to shine brightly. I want to flit from place to place, soar high in the sky, and dance with other butterflies. However, in order to become a butterfly I need to cocoon.
I need to shore up my energy, allow myself time to rest, to say no to things that drain me. I need to focus on myself so that I can become a butterfly. So I can help other people. So I can be of service. So I can live the bright and exciting life I've always dreamed of. It's incredibly difficult for me to cocoon, to withdraw my energy from the world, to concentrate on me and only me for a change. It feels wrong and selfish and uncomfortable. If I don't do this, however, I'm going to remain a caterpillar and I don't want to remain one.
I'm writing this blogpost because I'm sure there are other people out there like me who run themselves ragged, who are burnt out on doing. Listen, you and I are important. We deserve to rest because we are not machines (and even machines aren't running all the time). We deserve to receive as much as we give. We deserve to take time out. Sometimes we need to cocoon so we can serve the world in an even bigger way.
I dream of a world where we all take time out to rest when we need it. A world where we balance giving and receiving. A world where we love ourselves so much we treat ourselves with care. A world where we know in order to turn into a butterfly we have to go into a cocoon.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
When I was in college I took a music appreciation class, which was held in a large auditorium, affording me the ability to easily overhear other people's conversations. One of the women, Caroline, caught my attention because her life sounded so magical. She relayed a story to a friend of hers that while traveling in a foreign country she had a music lesson. She lost the slip of paper with her teacher's address, had no way of contacting him, but took it on faith she would get to her music lesson without any trouble.
On her train ride over, the train lurched and Caroline stumbled into a seat where, guess who, her music teacher was sitting. The friend listening to this story shook her head and said, "Only you, Caroline."
Cool stuff seems to happen on trains.
When I heard this story I bristled with unknown-to-me envy. My first reaction was, "Pbbbt. I can't believe how flakey she sounds. She lost the piece of paper with her teacher's address and didn't have his telephone number?" But underneath that I was insanely envious because I wanted that. I wanted to be able to live a life of total and complete faith that I would be taken care of. That I didn't have to be in control all the time. That I could let go and not worry.
On Friday I spoke to my lifecoach about all this and he said, "Will you make the commitment to trust your higher power?" I hemmed and hawed, and said, "Can I commit to working on trusting my higher power?" He wasn't having it. "You can commit to whatever you want but you know and I both know what you really want is to be able to trust like that. And the only way to do so is to just trust." That is so not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to play it safe, to commit to wading in the pond instead of diving into it. But you know what? I'm tired.
I'm tired of fretting about my life and where I'll live. I'm tired of trying to always control all the outcomes of my life. I'm tired of constantly being "in charge." I'm tired of trying all the time. And I'm tired of living in fear of what's next. I want what I perceive Caroline has — faith and trust in the universe that everything will be OK without the need to worry all the time. I want to feel at ease in my life because I trust in a power greater than myself. I want to let go of my rigid control.
I don't really know how to do that but I'm pretty sure it starts with saying, "I commit to trusting my higher power." I'm pretty sure it starts with at least having the willingness to let some other force take care of it. I'm also sure it's important for me to write about this publicly so I can't take it back. So I can be held accountable. So when I'm flipping out I can remind myself or you can remind me that I committed to trusting the force that guides the stars.
I dream of a world where we all let go of our reins. A world where we take inspired action but we understand we don't need to micromanage our lives. A world where we trust everything will be OK in the end; and if it's not OK, it's not the end. A world where we say, "I can't handle this anymore. You take over."
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
I didn't intend to write this today because I'm on vacation; however I'm stuck at the Zurich airport waiting for my flight, which thus far has been delayed by four hours due to a mechanical failure. I said something last night at a group meditation I realized I feel strongly about: "I'm learning 'being in the flow' isn't always a pleasant and easy experience; sometimes it's like kicking upstream in a river — you're facing a different direction, but you're still in the flow."
This is a picture *I* took of a place I visited in Switzerland. I thought it would be cooler than a picture of a river. . .
I used to think "being in the flow" meant ease, grace, synchronistic experiences, and something akin to driving in the city hitting nothing but green lights. This topic is on my mind right now especially because a year ago I traveled to Italy and had the most grace-filled experience of my life to date. I saw Michelangelo's David for free because I "happened" to drop by on International Women's Day and women didn't have to pay admission. I caught all my trains on time, met up with friends I didn't even know where in Italy, and understood when people spoke to me in Italian or German (I was in Austria the week prior). I was connected to everyone and everything. It was magnificent and an experience I treasure.
This year, however has been a different story. Partly I think I've had a more difficult time traveling because Mercury is in retrograde, meaning the mechanical failure my plane is experiencing now is more common. I keep comparing this year with last year, lamenting I'm not "in the flow." That this trip isn't magical and easy and smooth. When life isn't that way I think I'm to blame. That I'm not "aligning my will with the cosmic will." That I'm not thinking the "right" thoughts. That I'm not grateful enough. That I'm not meditating properly. That I've fallen out of divine favor. I say that's baloney.
Here's the thing — everything has still worked out. All of my needs have continued to be met. Yeah, I've experienced a ton of strife — I went to SIX stores to find a replacement battery for my cellphone, the Bern airport temporarily lost my luggage and found it within 10 minutes, etc. — but everything still came together in the end. In October I wrote about seeing through the eyes of love. Part of that process is seeing how I'm always in the flow. I can't get out of the flow because that implies I'm not alive. Life is flow because life is movement. Just because I moved four times last year, I'm currently a gypsy, and life has been extremely challenging, doesn't mean I'm not in the flow! All of these things have worked out in the end for my benefit. Everything has come together. All of the "bad" stuff has led to "good" stuff.
Just because life isn't full of rainbows and kittens doesn't mean it's wrong or needs to change. I am still being guided when I'm crying just as much as when I'm smiling. That's the point of faith and spirituality — acknowledging there's a divine presence at all times. Life won't always be easy, but it's not supposed to be. Just like in a physical river, there will be times the current is moving so fast you won't have to do any work. At others the river will be placid and you'll have to swim a bit. Sometimes you'll hit a rock or get tangled in weeds. Regardless of the circumstances, each situation is temporary, but you're still always being pulled in the river's current.
I dream of a world where we all realize we're in the flow all the time, whether our experience of life is easy or hard. A world where we understand everything works out in the end and sometimes a little patience is required at some intervals more than others. A world where we know everything happens for a reason in our best interest. A world where we're easier on ourselves regarding our challenges because we understand that's what it means to be alive. And to be alive is to be in the flow.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
I don't often write while I'm on vacation, but I'm not on vacation even though I'm traveling so you're getting a blogpost! AWIP (Another World is Probable) is a very introspective blog, obviously. I'm an introverted person, so usually I write about things we can do individually to make our lives better and make the world better. This week I'm taking more of an outward focus.
When I interviewed for a potential sublet the woman asked me what is most important to me in terms of living with someone else. My immediate answer was, "being considerate." That's really the heart of it for me. Being considerate means thinking of other people, means selflessness instead of selfishness. My absolute pet peeve is when someone is being inconsiderate. I'm getting up in arms just thinking about it.
It occurred to me this week just how important it is to think of other people. We (in the West) often have this view of the world and how it's "dog eat dog." There's this idea you have to take what's yours, be selfish, get your own needs met. That's true to a degree but it's imbalanced. You know where "dog eat dog" gets us? Just watch this video on the distribution of wealth in the U.S.
I covered my eyes for parts of this video. I couldn't even look at the infographics. I am so horrified, I can't even tell you. ONE PERCENT of Americans have FORTY PERCENT of the nation's wealth. ONE PERCENT. And 80% of the nation has to split up 7% of the wealth. Guys, that's messed up. And you know how we got that way? Because everyone was looking out for themselves.
There's a concept in yoga, a social norm, called aparigraha. It means living with the minimum necessities. I've struggled with this concept for years. My parents and I would talk about what it meant. Does getting a flat-screen T.V. fall under a minimum necessity? We would agonize over this, somehow believing it was an internal thing to live by. It's not. What I mean is aparigraha is a way of ensuring everyone gets their needs met. It's the opposite of hording. It's freeing up resources. When aparigraha is not followed we end up with the inequitable distribution of wealth in the U.S.
I've been hesitant to talk about this because I don't want to offend anyone, but part of the problem is this law of attraction idea that if you think about becoming a millionaire then you will. Well, yes, you may attract all that money to you, but the idea everyone can be a billionaire is a load of phooey. Energy is unlimited but money is not. Money comes from trees, or silver, or gold, or nickel, or whatever, and that means it's finite. There is a limit to how much money can be printed. So no, everyone cannot be a billionaire. And everyone cannot be a billionaire because while someone is practically wiping their butt with money, there's someone else who's scrimping for change. That's just the way it is.
Other people far more intelligent than me have written about solutions to all this, but a great place to start on the individual level is with the notion we live in a dog-eat-dog world. We don't have to you know. We blame society but we forget we are society. We change all this. Sure, we change our policies and the like, but it's also important to change the underlying mentality. There is enough for all of us but it starts with being considerate of other people. Of noticing what's going on around us. Of compromising to ensure not only my needs get met but those of the people around me as well. I don't know about you but I'd much rather live in a dog-help-dog world.
I dream of a world where every single person gets all of their needs met. A world where there is a more equal distribution of resources. A world where we think about the people around us, which means you're thinking of someone else, but they're also thinking of you. A world where we share what we have without differentiation as we all move as one together.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
When I sat down to write this blogpost, the only phrase that came to mind was, "There is enough." There is enough time, money, energy, resources, and food. There is enough of everything. This is especially important as I'm wrapping up my life in Washington, D.C. I leave for Europe on Tuesday and when I come back I have about three weeks before I fly to California. My first impulse is to cram as much as possible into that time period, but I have to remind myself to put me first.
I think that's what a lot of what the past few months have been about, putting me first. I have a tendency to say "yes" to other people or activities without thinking about how it will affect me. I love my friends so much I want to say "yes" to every social gathering but I can't. Sometimes I need to say, "No."
I searched for ages to find an appropriate image to illustrate, “There is enough.”
On Saturday a friend texted me and asked what I was doing that night. I told him I had to rest and to pack. I so wanted to say, "Nothing! Let's hang out!" because I don't seem him often, and I wanted to make up for lost time. Also, when I was a kid, I spent many a weekend by myself, so I wanted to make up for my childhood. Because of my scarcity thinking and my past, these days I go in the other direction and want to binge on friendships and social activity. I want to say, "Yes" all the time. Reminding me there is enough of everything keeps me balanced. I don't have to worry about my friendships because they are strong enough, deep enough, _____ enough to withstand saying, "No."
Scarcity thinking is really another name for fear and I'm banishing fear from my life and my body. I'm choosing to believe there is enough of everything. That even if I don't get to see every single person I want to see and visit every single place I want to visit, that's alright. There is enough time to do it later. Some other visit. Some other trip. Some other year.
I guess what I'm saying is I'd rather trust in my creator, knowing all of my needs will be met. I'd rather strike a balance between activity and inactivity, between alone time and social time because there is enough of everything. I don't have to force anything and can instead let it flow and see what develops. I have that wish for others as well.
I dream of world where we all know there is enough of everything. A world where we share our resources to ensure that's the case. A world where we take care of each other and ourselves. A world where we say, "No," when we mean, "No," and, "Yes," when we mean, "Yes." A world where we trust all is well.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
As always, I only speak for myself, so while the title suggests I know the "real meaning of the Saturn return," I can only relay my own experience. Disclaimers yo — they're important.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Saturn return, it's when the planet reappears in the position it was in at the time of your birth, which takes roughly 27-31 years. Most people speak of it with groans and derision because it's the butt-kicking time of life. It brings about big changes and strips us of all things that no longer work. There is also speculation the Saturn return had a hand in the 27 club (aka, musicians who died at 27). Ultimately, the first Saturn return is about entering adulthood, which has been the case for me.
This is the planet responsible for so much.
It may sound silly to say that because I graduated from college years ago. I've been in the working world for nearly seven years supporting myself. Haven't I already been an adult? I thought so too. What I didn't realize is Saturn's job is to shine a light on all the dark spots of my past so I don't have to hide from the shadows. It's Saturn's job to give me perspective on my past and help me let it go so I can fully reside in my power as an adult woman.
When Saturn started to make its presence known in my astrological chart in October, I noticed all this stuff with my inner child began to surface. I realized my fears and insecurities came from my childhood. I noticed there was a lot from my childhood I had to heal.
On Friday I saw a physical therapist who specializes in integrative manual therapy, which basically means she manipulates my organs to reset them to normal. She reflected back to me I've been carrying around a ton of fear and anxiety; it's been living in my body since I was a kid. The sweet part is she gave me a process for letting it go. She suggested I meditate on a mudra (a hand gesture) that's already been a very important part of my life. This hand gesture has A LOT of significance for me, so to have someone else instruct I use it myself is the equivalent of admiring the way your favorite musician plays her guitar solo only to realize you can play her guitar solo too. (Please forgive the analogy, I am VERY tired.)
I'm so grateful for my Saturn return because it's unearthing all this buried crap I didn't know I had. It's excavating the rubble from my life so I can move forward rubble free. I also find it interesting this process of growing up, of coming into my own, is taking place in Washington, D.C., the city where I first started to transition from adolescence to adulthood. It's incredibly sweet that this last period where I'm cementing my adult self should also take place in Washington, D.C. I'm laying my demons to rest and trying to wipe my slate clean. I have no idea whether this post will mean anything to the rest of you, but I wanted to share my experience. It's shown me my life is full of bookends and even when I'm undergoing hardship and change it's for my own good.
I dream of a world where we see the good in our lives. A world where we understand deep change is for our benefit. A world where we realize we're given the opportunity to let go of all things that do not serve us. A world where we release the burdens of our past and welcome the brilliance of our future.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
Right now I’m visiting a friend in upstate New York watching the sun fade behind the trees outside his window. It’s gorgeous here – snow covering the ground, trees littering the slopes, and mountains standing in the distance. My friend LOVES where he lives. He cannot sing his town's praises any higher otherwise his voice would crack. I understand the appeal – nature mixing with civilization, liberal attitudes, and a deep love of the environment. Seeing as how I'm a gypsy right now, I'm on the lookout for my new Home. I say it with a capital “H” because Home is not only the place I live – it's where I love, where I thrive, where I feel a sense of belonging. I am not satisfied living just anywhere – I have to fall in love with the place.
This is basically what I’ve been walking around in.
I'm experiencing a wee bit of mental anguish at the moment because I don't know where I'm going next. I don't know where my next Home will be. I don't know where my heart wants to reside. For someone who likes to plan in advance, this is an uncomfortable spot to be in.
While talking with my lifecoach on Thursday, I said to him, “I'm here, now, and I'm sure when I need to make a decision about where I'm living next, the universe will make that abundantly clear.” That message has become even more clear on this trip. You see, I want to want to live in upstate New York where my friend does – it's everything I could ask for, but the sentiment isn't there. My heart didn't open when I walked down the street. I didn't feel warm and tingly when we cruised through the countryside. Every moment on the first day of my visit I asked myself, “Could I live here? Do I want to live here? Do I see myself here?” The answer was, “No.”
I'm pretty sure I'm going back to California in April because it's the only place that still has my heart (you are welcome to start singing, “I left my heart in San Francisco,” now), but I haven't booked any tickets yet. What I do believe, what I'm trusting in, is that when I'm supposed to know, I will. I'm trusting that as with all of my life, more will be revealed. The fog will lift and I'll know where to live, when to go, what to do. I'll feel it in my heart, my gut, my body. The pieces will come together and the puzzle will be solved. Until that time, I'll living here, now, and doing as Rainer Maria Rilke suggests and having patience with everything unresolved in my heart, loving the questions like locked rooms, not searching for the answers, living in the now, knowing one day I will live my way into the answers.
I dream of a world where we understand with everything in life, we'll know when we know. I dream of a world where we're OK with the questions, where we trust the answers will become clear to us in time. A world where we live in the now, not worrying about the future, because instead we're feeling at peace in the moment.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I thought about writing a really fluffy post but anxiety is roiling in my stomach like a boat sloshing around the sea so this needs to get out and it needs to be shared.
A few weeks ago I wrote, "Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know," and I meant it. I stand by the tools I mentioned and others shared. However, there are some things that bypass rationality and put me in a tailspin. Some things are so deep it doesn't help to bring out my inner warrior, or have compassion for myself, or ask what's the worst that could happen? I guess you would call these my Issues with a capital I. Maybe these are childhood wounds or what I have to work out in this life. For me, one of my issues is security in all its forms — financially, physically, emotionally. If my security is perceived to be threatened, I might as well be a rabid dog locked in a kennel because ain't no way some soothing words will calm me down.
I spoke to a lovely friend about all this and she said when she's afraid it's a part of her speaking up. Not her whole being mind you, just a little part. She also said there's a belief if she's "afraid enough" all her problems will be solved. Like if only she experienced enough fear, then everything will be OK, or it will motivate her to take some action. Then she said, "I have to remind myself fear is not my higher power, my higher power is my higher power."
This is how I sometimes visualize my higher power.
I felt instant relief when she said that because I realized I had been making fear my higher power. I was worshipping at the altar of fear believing it could be my salvation. If I felt X level of fear then I would finally feel secure. What kind of backward thinking is that? (Answer: It's not thinking, it's irrational.)
I've written about this a bajillion times but that's because I remember and then I forget. I cruise along the highway of life in my convertible with the wind blowing in my hair and then I hit a pothole that mangles the axial and my car starts to skid, so I panic and start behaving wildly when actually it would be so much better if I were calm and composed.
I have no answer about all this other than to say it's important for me to bring this to God/the universe/higher power for healing. I cannot transform this behavior on my own, I need divine help and wisdom so these days I pray about it:
My creator, I want that you should have all of me, good and bad. Please help me remember fear doesn't serve me. Please help me stay connected to you and remember what the guiding force is in my life. Please help me to trust in you and remember all is well in my world.
I dream of a world where we surrender our fears and ask for transformation instead of clutching onto them like a child with her favorite toy. I dream of a world where we ask for help when we need it, trusting it will be given to us. A world where we remember a power greater than ourselves. A world where we know when we forget, we'll eventually remember.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.