“Connection is why we’re here.” — Brené Brown
The word “vulnerable” and the derivative “vulnerability” have been bandied about in my presence this week so I figured that meant I needed to write about it. I watched Brené Brown’s talk “The Power of Vulnerability” (below) because it’s been on my watch list for a long time and I finally got around to it.
In Brown’s talk she says, “Connection is why we’re here.” I believe it. The times I cherish the most are when I feel connected to a friend, my family, nature, or my higher power. I’ve also come to realize connection doesn’t happen unless I’m vulnerable. I need to create the space within me to allow others to come in, which only happens when my walls are down. It’s scary though. Admitting I’m scared of being vulnerable might sound funny coming from me considering I’ve already outed myself as an addict, and I wrote a whole damn book that shows off my warts, but it’s true. Whenever I allow myself to be vulnerable there’s still that fear I’m opening myself to harm. That instead of connecting with me I’m exposing my soft underbelly so you can rip my guts out.
Brown pinpoints this as shame and fear. Yep. Pretty much. So what’s a girl to do? Run away and keep my walls up forever and always sounds pretty good. Except that means I miss out on connection. Well crap. Obviously I have to continue to follow the motto that has been guiding me since I was 17 or so: “If you’re scared do it anyway.” I keep opening myself up, I keep allowing myself to be vulnerable, because the risk is worth it. Because I love connection so much. I live for connection. I absolutely love it when people call me up and share what’s really going on with them. I feel so honored they trusted me enough to do so.
Yeah, I hate, hate, hate being vulnerable, yeah I hate the possibility my vulnerability is going to be turned around and the person will use it as a weapon, but really that’s not going to happen. One, because I already know what my issues are, thank-you-very-much, so if someone tries to take pot-shots at me the wind will go out of their sails because my retort will be, “Yes, I know.” Two, like I would ever allow myself to be vulnerable to a jerk. I’m presuming here that anyone who picks up Just a Girl from Kansas will do so because they’re drawn to it. Any jerks or potential jerks will set it down. So really what am I opening myself up to? More connection.
As Brown mentions, we can’t pick and choose our feelings. I’ve heard before there’s only one switch for emotions and that’s “on.” Because when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable we also allow joy, creativity, belonging, and love to come in. We allow more sweetness than we can imagine. Yes, I effing hate being vulnerable but I choose to go forth and be courageous, which according to the original definition means to “tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.”
I dream of a world where we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. A world where we know vulnerability breeds a lot of good things in our life. A world where we understand in order to get what we want we have to allow ourselves the possibility we’ll get hurt. As Brown says, a world where we’re grateful we feel so vulnerable because that means we’re alive.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I really REALLY did not think I would be writing about this. But here I am. “This” being the account of the man in Florida who ate another man’s face. And the person in Maryland who ate someone else’s heart and brain. I’m so distressed by these news stories I will not be linking to them because I cannot even glance at the ensuing headlines without cringing. And that’s a good thing.
I’ve been thinking being such a sensitive person is a plight, a curse. Something I wish would go away because it makes living in a world where there is torture and massacre of children extremely painful. A few people have said to me it’s great I’m so sensitive, that the world needs more sensitive people. If everyone felt the way I did – shocked and horrified by violence, homelessness, poverty, etc. – more would be done about it. If enough people were sensitive, and enough people woke up to what is happening in the world, injustices could not continue.
I'm not sure why this picture says "sensitive" to me but it does.
I think all the atrocities in the world are a wake-up call. A chance for us to say, “This is unacceptable and must be changed/stopped.” Sometimes it takes extreme acts to get our attention. Humanity is obviously crying out for help. We sensitive souls are being called to action. Instead of sitting idly by, covering our ears, wishing it would stop, we’re being asked to do something. I’m not sure what that “something” is because it depends on the person. For me, the lesson is to love even more.
Many of you know this, but my Sanskrit name Radha means personification of love. These days I’m being asked to really live that name. To love everyone, not just the people it’s easy to love. I’m being asked to love those who are violent, those who mentally imbalanced, those who narcissistic, and those who are mean. This is no easy task because my first reaction is to distance myself. But the more I distance myself the more I allow horrible things to happen. It’s as if I’m saying on an energetic level, “I am not a part of you. I am separate and thus don’t need to engage with you.” Those times are over.
When I hear the expression, “The meek shall inherit the Earth,” my interpretation is the sensitive souls will inherit the Earth. Not because we ran for cover when the going got tough, but because we were so sensitive to what was going on around us we had to put a stop to it. We had to stand up and say, “No.” So as much as I hate being sensitive at times, I also know it’s a good thing. Because it’s people like me who are going to bring about change. We must because the alternative is unbearable.
I dream of a world where we acknowledge sensitivity is a gift, something to be celebrated. A world where the sensitive people embrace their nature, understanding it’s what makes them alive. A world where the sensitive people band together and say, “No more. We are changing things.”
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
“Don’t look back — you’re not going that way.” – Mary Engelbreit (excerpted from her poem).
I’ve seen this quote popping up all over facebook recently, probably because it’s right around graduation. I’m sure there are a lot of people looking back because they have no idea what’s coming next and sometimes it’s easier to look back than it is to face the fear of the unknown.
I must admit I’ve been doing a lot of looking back myself because I’m not happy where I am. I recognize there’s a benevolent force in my life, guiding me, but that doesn’t always mean I like where I’m going even if it’s in my best interest. Like how even at this moment I’m hearing the pulse of music blaring downstairs. I am extremely grateful it should stop by 10 p.m. but I’m realizing I don’t want to hear music playing ever. That if given a choice I would choose silence at all hours of the day. So I’m looking back. I’m reminiscing about when I stayed in a converted monastery in Italy, or visited my parents in Seattle, or any of the countless times I’ve stayed someplace quiet, wishing I could be back there.
It’s a whole lot easier to think about the “good ole days” than it is to sit with the discomfort of the here and now. So I look back. At the same time I recognize the futility of looking back because being wistful accomplishes nothing. There is a reason I’m not living in Italy, or Seattle, or someplace else in San Francisco. There’s a reason I am where I am. And if I’m forever looking back I’m missing out on the here and now. The rest of Engelbreit’s poem, which is quoted less often, is this:
When you travel though life there are always those times when decisions just have to be made And the choices are hard and solutions are scarce and the rain seems to soak your parade!
There are some situations where all you can do is simply let go and move on
Gather courage together and choose a direction that carries you toward a new dawn.
So pack up your troubles and take a step forward the process of change can be toughBut think about all the excitement ahead if you can be stalwart enough!
There could be adventures you never imagined just waiting around the next bend
And wishes and dreams just about to come true in ways you can’t yet comprehend!Perhaps you’ll find friendships that spring from new interests as you challenge your status quo
And learn there are so many options in life and so many ways you can grow!
Perhaps you’ll go places you never expected and see things that you’ve never seenOr travel to fabulous faraway worlds and wonderful spots in between!
Perhaps you’ll find warmth and affection and caring a “somebody special” who’s there
To help you stay centered and listen with interest to stories and feelings you share.
Perhaps you’ll find comfort in knowing your friends are supportive of all that you doAnd believe that whatever decisions you make they’ll be the right choices for you!
So keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking life day by day
There’s a brighter tomorrow that’s just down the road
Don’t look back — you’re not going that way!
Yes, it’s a little cheesy, but it’s also true. I have no idea what’s ahead so if I keep looking back I might miss out on what’s ahead. And who knows, maybe the temporary discomfort will pass and things will get loads better. I’m not going back. I’m charging ahead.
I dream of a world where we don’t look back, we look ahead. A world where we open ourselves up to what’s before us and understand pain and discomfort is only temporary. A world where we know there are no “good ole days,” because there’s a reason things aren’t that way anymore.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Today I went to the Maker Faire. From their website:
Part science fair, part county fair, and part something entirely new, Maker Faire is an all-ages gathering of tech enthusiasts, crafters, educators, tinkerers, hobbyists, engineers, science clubs, authors, artists, students, and commercial exhibitors. All of these “makers” come to Maker Faire to show what they have made and to share what they have learned.
The faire was very cool and also very overwhelming because of the sheer amount of people and inventions. One such invention is the 3D printer. (Full disclosure, my friend works for MakerBot.)
In essence, you tell the printer, “I’d like to print a dragon,” and THEN YOU CAN. IN 3D. That wasn’t even the coolest thing at Maker Faire. I’m not sure what the coolest thing was because so many cool things were vying for my attention. Like dye that’s activated by the sun. And a replication of the Viper, a starship from Battlestar Galactica:
PEOPLE ARE SO INVENTIVE AND INGENIOUS. I love it. It’s amazing. What’s funny is today was also an annular solar eclipse! Look at these pictures some friends of mine took:
When there's a solar eclipse shadows are cast differently. Notice the crescent-moon shapes as opposed to normal blocks of light. Photo by Amy White.
The sun is so bright here even looking at the photo almost hurts my eyes. Photo by Annie Sexton.
So cool! So beautiful!
What I find interesting is today in particular natural and manmade makers collided. I am in awe of both what human beings are capable of making and also what nature has made. It’s something I can’t quite put into words because both are astounding. Both show me how special this world is that we live in because we do get to experience duality. At the same time we’re running around inventing things, we also get to soak up what nature has made. We live in a time where both are possible. And that is really cool.
I dream of a world where human inventiveness continues to be celebrated. A world where we continue to dream something and then manifest it. A world where we not only appreciate our own creations but those of the natural world as well. A world where we stop for a moment and realize how special the world can be.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I know “the invisible hand” usually refers to Adam Smith’s notion of self-regulation in the economic marketplace, but in this sense I mean an invisible hand in terms of a guiding presence, a benevolent force.
As many of you know, I moved out of my beloved apartment in January because I wasn’t able to sleep at night. Months later I’ve still been upset by it because like I said, I really loved that place. I knew why I moved out on a practical level (no sleep, raucous neighbors, a pulsing noise), but I wanted to know the metaphysical reason. I wanted to know why the universe constructed it so I had to leave.
I finally found out.
I’m a part of Alerts SF, which is a municipal alert system that texts me when there are road closures or gas leaks, that sort of thing. Several days ago they texted me saying there was a road closure on Post two blocks down from where I lived due to police activity. According to this news article, police shot and killed a suspect who opened fire on police officers during a standoff. The suspect was contacted because he had a connection to a homicide investigation and then he shot at the police when they arrived. Nearly two dozen shots were fired.
The manager of my old building said our street had gotten rougher and this news report confirmed it. This event happened literally two blocks down from where I used to live. You may have noticed, but I’m very sensitive. I am not able to tolerate lower vibrations, especially where I live. So I can’t help thinking, that’s why I moved. I moved because the invisible hand that guides my life saw all this coming and pushed me out for my safety and happiness.
Now? I pass by trees on my walk home from BART or the bus. There is no graffiti on the main walkways. There is no one accosting me. There is only peace and quiet. And nature. That’s the other thing.
Today I went for a hike on Mount Tamalpais with a friend of mine.
This is a close approximation of what we saw today.
Coming back to the city was rough. For the first time, maybe ever, I realized I want to live near more greenery. That I wasn’t quite ready to come back to civilization. What struck me is that’s exactly where I’m living now. The other day I meditated on pine needles while surrounded by fennel, birds chirping, and shrubs. The invisible hand guided me to where I live now, which I didn’t even know I’d want because like I said, until today I didn’t know how much I missed trees. Often I don’t understand why things happen the way they do, but eventually I find out. And when I do, I’m always struck by how there’s a benevolent force in my life. How I may not like what’s happening in my life but it’s always in my best interest. I’m touched by how someone, somewhere, is looking out for me.
I dream of a world where we all have an invisible hand guiding our lives. A world where we are pushed to better places, people, and things. A world where we know we are being taken care of each and every day. A world where we understand everything really does happen for a reason.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Normally I blog on Sundays but things have been so crazy I’ve been unable to do so until now. I moved into a new place about a week ago and then I had guests stay with me so it’s been quite a whirlwind!
All this week though I’ve noticed how things pop when they’re ready. As mentioned, I moved into a new place that’s a studio plus an office. In order to separate my bedroom from my living room, I bought a Japanese screen from Craigslist.
Pretty, right?
The night before I picked up the screen I checked my wallet and all I had was $44. (The screen cost $45.) My new location is not as commercial as my other one, so I’m not near an ATM, nor is an ATM on my way to public transportation, so I wanted to avoid a special trip if at all possible. I dumped all the coins in my wallet on the floor and came up $0.26 short. I searched my whole apartment looking for the extra change. I scoured the bottom of every bag and backpack I own trying to come up with the money, running through scenarios in my head. Perhaps she would be fine with $44.74.
It struck me I should check my foreign money because, hey, you never know, right? I just got back from Italy, so maybe my American money would be mixed in. I searched my euros, nope, nothing. Then I pulled out my money from Costa Rica, a country I visited 11 year ago. Mixed in with all the coins was a $1 American coin. I kid you not. That coin was sitting in a bag at the bottom of my dresser for ELEVEN YEARS waiting for this very purpose it seemed.
The coin looked similar to this one. I hope it wasn't a collectible.
I laughed out loud when I saw it and I think I said, “You have to be kidding me.” Things pop when they’re ready.
What’s also interesting to me is I’ve known someone for 10 years – we run in the same circles, have similar friends – and yet up until recently we’ve been acquaintances. Familiar acquaintances, yes, but I didn’t really consider him a friend. More like in between a friend and an acquaintance. Then in August he started dating his partner and things changed. We started hanging out more and became real friends. So much so that I visited him in the hospital yesterday after he fractured his jaw while breaking up a fight. I didn’t know I felt that way until his partner sent out a mass message on facebook detailing what happened. Somehow I didn’t even question whether I would visit him, it was a given.
While at the hospital he was a pathetic sight – bandages strapped to his head, immobilizing his jaw, not able to talk. All communication was through paper. He wrote down on a piece of paper, “Thanks for visiting me,” and I said, “Of course! That’s what you do for friends and family!” And I meant it. Because somehow we crossed the line of acquaintance and into friendship even though I’ve known him for a long time. Things pop when they’re ready.
I’m going to circle this post back to the last one I wrote “Starburst,” because I think the same principle applies. Matt Damon and Julia Roberts “popped,” they became famous when they were ready, or the universe was ready, or whatever “it” is that had to be ready. The exciting thing is we never know when the pop will happen.
I dream of a world where we understand all things in due time. A world where we know there’s no need to feel impatient because things pop when they’re ready. A world where we live each day in joy, feeling present, and alive because there is nothing more exciting than being on planet Earth when at any moment things can pop.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This weekend I re-watched Mystic Pizza and noticed Matt Damon makes an appearance in the movie:
Matt Damon at 18 as seen in "Mystic Pizza."
What struck me about this is the “you-never-know” factor. Here Damon only had a line or two in a movie with Julia Roberts before she was famous. When they did their scene do you think either could anticipate Julia Roberts would become one of the highest-paid actresses in Hollywood, or that Matt Damon would become a heartthrob? No. They were just doing a scene, following their passion and then BOOM, their fame exploded like a starburst. For Roberts it took another two years with the release of “Pretty Woman.” For Damon it took another nine with the release of “Good Will Hunting.”
What I love about this, what I find so inspiring, is that moment before they were famous. Why did it take two years for Roberts and nine years for Damon? What made each of those films “the one” that made them a star? Sometimes I take it for granted that people weren’t always famous. That Matt Damon hasn’t forever been glossing magazine covers, that there was a point where he was a normal guy, playing bit parts, trying to make ends meet, and then the stars aligned, he had the right connections, and all of a sudden he became a household name.
I find this incredibly fascinating because we could all be on the brink of something and we just don’t know. I could film my niece singing a rap song and she could become a youtube star. Joe Schmo could have an asteroid land in his yard that’s covered with a key ingredient to eradicate AIDS. Little Susie Ray could go to the mall and be spotted by a model scout and start walking runways. In life we have no idea what’s around the corner and how big it can become, and that’s what’s so interesting to me.
I dream of a world where we live each day with a sense of wonder and mystery because we remember we have no idea what’s next. A world where we keep pursuing our dreams even when it seems like they’ll lead to nowhere. A world where we are open and honest with ourselves and allow whatever will be to be.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I still have the flu so I won’t be writing anything major but I still wanted to share something that inspires me. I LOVE this video of people flashmobbing a 9-year-old’s arcade:
(And here’s an article about it.) What I love about this is how a little boy so earnestly built an arcade and waited everyday for customers. They never came until one day they did. And not just one but an entire crowd. I love how quickly it all came together. Everything lined up and exploded into something bigger and better than the boy asked for or expected. Amazing.
This video also illustrates to me the power of people to coalesce, to come together and create something beautiful. It shows how quickly things can work and people’s dreams can come true. Instead of taking years something can take days; that’s incredible!
I dream of a world where we support each other. Where we bond to allow everyone’s dreams to manifest. A world where we work together to create something magical and amazing. A world where we coalesce to create something better than we could have done alone.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Sometimes I’m too verbal and I need to turn off my brain and engage my senses. I thought it might be nice on this momentous day (I mean how often do Passover, Easter, AND a full moon coalesce?) to revel in the beauty of Earth and to remind ourselves to stay present.
I don’t know about you, but this video shows me things aren’t as gloomy and depressing as they seem. It shows me another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
There has been a lot of talk about racism and The Hunger Games. The New Yorker has a blog about how often in literature we imagine characters to be white until proven black. And Jezebel.com posted a story about how many viewers of The Hunger Games movie have posted racist tweets. For those of you who don’t know, Suzanne Collins explicitly states in her trilogy characters Rue and Thresh are “dark-skinned” but somehow that escaped many readers’ notice. What’s so appalling is some viewers said the movie was “ruined” because the characters are black. And that because Rue was black her death wasn’t as sad. This is going to sound strange but I’m inspired by all this.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT inspired by the racism that’s being displayed, I’m inspired by other people’s response to that racism. I’m inspired that there is outrage. I’m inspired that the twitter accounts of those who posted racist comments have been taken down. I’m inspired there’s a lot of fuss – and rightly so – about the idea being black makes a person less innocent.
It wasn’t so long ago racists were the majority in this country. It wasn’t so long ago lynchings were a common practice and newspapers advocated for mistreatment of others. The fact that now racism is so denounced, that it is so politically incorrect is an amazing thing. Seriously. I know we’re not making as much progress as we’d like, but I’d rather focus on the fact we’re making progress at all. Jim Crow laws no longer exist. The majority of people are loving, compassionate, and more open-minded than not. I think that’s been illustrated by the outrage at the comments people have been posting in regard to The Hunger Games.
I’d also like to point out racism is a belief and beliefs can be changed. It’s not a disease. It’s not something you have or you don’t. Racist people can change their minds, see the error of their ways, because more often than not it’s due to ignorance. They’re stereotyping out of fear, they’re not seeing a person as an individual but rather a category. I’ll even admit here that when I was younger I was a little bit racist. I used to stick to certain circles and not stray far from them. That all changed when I went to the National Conference for Community and Justice’s Camp Anytown. Sometimes you just don’t know better and you need to be taught. But that’s the point – open-mindedness can be taught. When you undergo exercises showing other people have experienced similar things even if they’re a different race, it builds understanding, and compassion. Racism cannot exist in those circumstances and that’s what inspires me.
I dream of a world where we continue to eradicate racism. A world where we understand all of us bleed, all of us have hopes and dreams. All of us are people. I dream of a world where we can see each other as individuals. A world where we see people for who they are. A world where we value a person’s heart over the color of their skin. A world where we come together in the spirit of unity, acknowledging we are all brothers and sisters.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.