Most of you probably associate the phrase “born this way” with Lady Gaga’s song. One of the things I love about Lady Gaga is she so unabashedly loves and accepts herself and she encourages others to do the same. Her song, and subsequent foundation, center primarily on LGBTQ youth but there are another sect who were “born this way.” Addicts. I’ve been tip-toeing around this for years, but I’m finally going to say it: I’m an addict. I just broke a bunch of rules by announcing that to the world, so before I go further, please know I don’t speak on behalf of anyone, I’m not representative of any organization. I can only tell you about me and my experience.
It may surprise some of you to hear I’m an addict considering I don’t drink or do drugs, there are no track lines on my arms. From the outside I look pretty “normal.” But I very much am an addict. In my post from a few weeks ago, I wrote about how I’ve been crying off and on now that my book Just a Girl from Kansas has been sent to friends and family members. After talking with a good friend, I realized it’s because I’ve felt deeply ashamed. I’ve felt ashamed of revealing to the entire world my private thoughts and behaviors. I’ve been ashamed to let people know I’m an addict. That’s probably because there’s still a stigma attached to addicts. They’re often portrayed in the media as engaging in risky behavior or otherwise self-destructing. There are very few positive role models for addicts. I think it’s because there is an air of secrecy, of anonymity. And the anonymity can breed shame because if you don’t tell people, if they’re not supposed to know, isn’t it like you have a dirty little secret?
I’m writing this post because I’ve heard so many people this week talk about how ashamed they feel of being an addict, myself included. How it’s a terrible, awful thing that no one but other addicts can know about. The disease becomes a moral issue, makes me a “bad” person. I’m writing this post for other addicts, and for anyone else who thinks they have to be ashamed of who they are. I’m here to tell you the person who smokes pot, the person who pays for sex, the person who drowns themselves in alcohol, or gambles away their life savings is not a bad person. They’re a person in pain. None of those people, myself included, chose to be this way. Nobody likes the fact they feel compelled to do something like pull food from the garbage can and eat it. Nobody wants to admit to that. We were born this way.
I am not a bad person. I’m a very good person. My creator made me this way so how can I say it’s something to be ashamed of. Do you tell a lily to be ashamed it smells the way it does? Do you tell a cat to be ashamed it likes to chase mice? So why should I be ashamed of the way that I am? I really can’t help it. Instead of wasting so much time and energy “hiding” my secret or berating myself for who I am, I’d rather practice love and acceptance. I’d rather say, this is who I am, and who I am is just fine. Because it is. Because I was born this way.
I dream of a world where we all feel loved and accepted for who we are. A world where we know we were all born the way we are and there’s no need to feel ashamed of it. A world where we treat everyone with compassion because behind their words and actions probably lies a person in a lot of pain. A person who wants to know it’s safe for me them to be themselves. I dream of a world where that person knows that it is safe to be who they are because who they are is beautiful. Because they were born that way.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Wow. Things are happening so quickly in my life it’s making my head spin and bringing up a bit of fear, to be honest. This time last week I was in Italy, which is why I didn’t blog, and the Sunday before that I was in Austria. My whole trip was an experience of grace, of being showered with love from above, and that’s what I want to share with you – how life can be so sweet it can make your heart burst.
The whole trip started off on a good note because I found out my favorite painting, Gustav Klimt’s “The Kiss” would be exhibiting in Vienna in honor of Klimt’s 150th birthday:
This painting is 5 ft x 5 ft. I stared at it for a solid 15 minutes taking in the gold plating and all the colors.
When I got to the airport the airline crew told me they could only get me to Germany and not to Vienna because there was a strike in Germany at the time. When I asked what they could do for me, they suggested a later flight connecting through London. On that flight I had an entire row all to myself so I’d say it worked out in my favor.
I was in Vienna primarily for work but I had many sweet moments, like getting a bit turned around and someone coming up to me and saying in German, “Do you need help?” to which I responded in English, “Yes, I’m lost.” The woman walked me to my street before we determined my location was too far away and I’d gotten off the Ubahn (subway) one stop too early.
Also, on my last day in Vienna I finally made it to the Belvedere, which was housing “The Kiss.” I got sooo lost getting to the museum because I walked through a construction zone but it’s a good thing I did because I passed by a store that sold pay-as-you-go phones, a necessary purchase I had been unable to buy until that moment. If I hadn’t gotten lost I wouldn’t have walked by the store. It’s the little moments of grace that really get to me. Like the time I rushed to catch my train to Venice, thinking I’d be late, but instead the train was delayed by 5 minutes. When I heard that announcement I smiled to myself because it’s as if the train had been late for me.
There were also grander examples of grace, like when I was in Rome. I checked facebook the Friday evening I arrived and a monk from the States announced, “I’m in Rome.” I messaged him and said “I’m in Rome!” He told me of a group meditation the next day, and how to get there via the train. I walked on the second to last train car and sitting at the end, in a seat facing me, was a friend of mine. The monk told me I’d see my friend but I didn’t anticipate running into him on the train. I squealed in delight and my friend was surprised to say the least. We ended up spending the day together on Sunday – touring the Colosseum, the church containing Michelangelo’s Moses with the horns, and more. It was an especially sweet encounter because Friday night I felt sad anticipating the friend I’d been traveling with had to go back to France. My heart sunk as I thought about walking around in a strange city by myself, and instead I hung out with my friend and two friends of his. I couldn’t ask for any more grace.
The cap the trip off, on Tuesday morning I slept through my alarm, woke up 10 minutes after my cab arrived, and still managed to catch my flight with time to spare. I don’t know how it happened but it did.
That brings us to today. I found out the day after I came back from Europe I need to move out of my current house – not because my housemates hate me or anything, it’s because they have a really good friend moving to the city. Today I looked at Craigslist just for kicks although I wasn’t prepared to move out until April 21st – everybody is posting things available now or for April 1st – when I stumbled across a listing that sounded perfect. I e-mailed the guy today, looked at the apartment today, and told him today I wanted it. Nothing is confirmed but it’s quite possible I’ll be moving out in a few weeks into an apartment that’s bigger than my old one for less money. The grace I’m experiencing is staggering.
I mention all this not to brag about what’s going on in my life but rather to illustrate anything is possible. To showcase how the universe can conspire to grace us. To give us everything we asked for and more. To demonstrate what it means to be in the universal flow.
I dream of a world where we all experience untold sweetness. A world where go with the grace being bestowed upon us. A world where we take advantage of what comes our way. A world where we live in wonder as we watch the magic unfolding in our lives.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
So my book is finally out. And by that I mean it’s been sent to reviewers, friends, and family. All day today I’ve felt uncomfortable because I’ve been nervous about how the book will be received. I thought it was because I worried about whether people will like it or not, but in truth that’s not what’s bothering me. In truth, I’m scared. I’m scared that once people read all my personal details, once everyone sees how my mind works, that my friends will decide to disassociate with me. That once my true self is revealed I’ll be shunned.
This is an old story for me, one from childhood. I’ve believed I didn’t have friends as a kid because once my peers found out how weird I was they decided not to have anything to do with me. That’s how I viewed things through my childhood lens. But as an adult I can see a fuller, more accurate picture. That’s really not what happened. I had friends. Nobody shunned me. Really I was the one rejecting them because I didn’t feel a connection. I chose to spend time by myself rather than with people I didn’t share anything in common with. It wasn’t because I was a weirdo loser freak that scared people off. It wasn’t because people found out about “the real me.”
As an adult I also know people like learning about vulnerabilities, they LOVE hearing about the deeply personal stuff because that’s how we connect with one another. I love it when people feel like they can confide in me. When they want to talk about what’s really going on. My book is an opportunity of sorts to have the same thing happen, to allow people to connect with me. Instead of keeping others at arm’s length, I’m letting people in. I think that’s what’s so scary. I don’t get to pick and choose who I’m letting in, it’s anyone who’s interested in my story.
I also think about how people have shared with me things they were ashamed of, things that are not widely accepted or approved of, and my response was not to go running from the room. My response was not to turn up my nose in disgust. Instead I felt compassion for the person, for the pain that drove them to act out in such a way. I’m hoping my friends will react the same way. Instead of cutting off all ties because they found out some things that happened years ago, they’ll react with compassion and with love. Because when I’ve been my most vulnerable that’s all I’ve ever received.
I guess I’m saying I can look at a story that has shaped my identity and how I move about the world with a different lens. These days I get to see the reality of what happened to me instead of just the pain. I get to heal my childhood trauma and recognize I wasn’t as powerless as I led myself to believe. That I had a choice in things. That I co-created an experience for myself.
As far as my book, no one will turn me out because they suddenly find out I’m human and I have feelings. They won’t say, “Sorry Rebekah, you’re not the person I thought you were,” because they learned more about me. But if they do, is that really someone I want in my life anyone? I choose to know it’s safe to be me, that it’s safe to express myself, that I can view my life’s events from another lens and thus experience some peace.
I dream of a world where we know it’s safe to reveal our true colors. A world where we feel comfortable sharing our raw and honest emotions. A world where we examine our past with a different lens acknowledging things were perhaps not what they seemed.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I almost don’t want to write about this because it’s so personal, but my unofficial modus operandi is to share personal things in the hopes it will be helpful to others. And I keep thinking about the quote that’s on the bottom of a friend’s e-mail: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” So here goes! My secret!
You may have noticed I’ve been a bit, er, obsessed about romantic love. Many of you have been on the receiving end of complaints about my love life, lamenting the lack thereof. And there was many a night I ached for a partner so much I cried. When I want something I want it fiercely, and a relationship has been no different. There really was a part of me that believed my life wouldn’t feel complete without a partner. That I was missing out on some amazing and magical phenomena that everyone else got to experience. It hasn’t helped I’ve been fed a steady diet of rom coms and love stories that portrayed finding “the one” as the most important and noble goal of life. Most of the stories ended of course when the couple got together, very few showing what it’s like in the day to day. Probably because it’s not as exciting.
Because I wanted romantic love so intensely I did everything to try to get it. I said affirmations, tried online dating, read books, stopped looking because “that’s when I’d find my partner,” felt happy as I was because “that’s when my man would come along,” prayed about it, tried to forget about it, used the law of attraction, focus wheels, created romance for myself, etc. You name it, I did it. Admitting that I feel a bit ashamed, but I also know shame is judging myself for how I think others will view me, and seriously, who hasn’t experienced at least a little bit of what I just described? For 15 years I really thought there was some formula I could follow to bring a man into my life. So the really amazing thing is I’ve stopped.
That’s right. I’ve let it all go. I’m no longer pining after a man either secretly or publicly. I no longer feel a great big void in my chest. For the first time I feel at peace where I am romantically, and I don’t mean I’m pretending to feel at peace because that will bring me my match, I mean I really feel at peace. I no longer feel lack in my life. Everything I thought I needed a partner for is already happening – my housemates make dinner for me, I travel to foreign countries with friends, and I already experience love from so many different people in different ways. I’m no longer dreaming of the day when “Prince Charming” swoops in and saves me.
This may sound a little depressing, but at this point I’ve also come to accept my romantic relationship may never happen. Somehow by accepting that, by facing down one of my biggest fears of being a “spinster,” I’m ok with whatever happens. I’m ok with being single and I’m ok with being a wife. I’m really ok with all possibilities because I know all of this is completely out of my control. I thought I could shop for a man like I could shop for shoes because that’s what society has led me to believe, but it’s not true. There must be some divine mystical force behind all of it because if there wasn’t, I would have coupled up long ago.
I’m inspired because I finally feel at peace. I’m inspired because I never thought I’d be happy being single and now I finally am, really and truly. I’m inspired because I no longer pine after men hoping they’ll pick me. I’m inspired because for the first time EVER, being in a relationship doesn’t seem like the be-all, end-all I was making it out to be.
I dream of a world where we can all feel at peace where we are, not trying to feel one way or another. A world where we know we don’t lack for anything. A world where we live in the moment feeling grateful for what we have. A world where we know love is not something we find, but rather something that finds us.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
“There’s a reason they’re called growing pains,” a friend of mine says. Ain’t that the truth? I feel so uncomfortable because I’m growing beyond my comfort zone. For the first time in about five years I’m living with roommates again. A part of me wants to say, “I changed my mind! I want to live by myself again!” but another part really enjoys having social interactions and being around people.
It’s funny to be in such a state of flux – to see where I was and where I want to go but not really being in either. I see how this new situation is good for me, how it’s necessary for my growth as a person, but I am also still uncomfortable. That’s understandable considering yesterday marked two weeks of living here. I also recognize the discomfort I’m experiencing is growing pains. I’m expanding my circle of want and that takes some growth.
A few weeks ago I wrote about how the universe provides and mentioned I wanted to live somewhere that had a garden. I also spoke about how I wanted someone else to cook for me. I wanted someone else to share the household chores. All the things I mentioned I wanted months, or even a year ago, have manifested and now my mind is playing catch up. I’m reflecting back and asking, “Do I really want this? Am I really enjoying it?” Everything is so new and scary because I am no longer in a position where I can control everything, where I can make it look exactly the way I wanted. I can’t hide away from everyone else and dictate how I want my social interactions to go. I can’t have everything on my terms. I have to navigate around other people’s stuff and deal with the dynamics that come with living with others. I have to assert my needs and be cognizant of someone else’s. I have to do a lot of things that are outside my comfort zone and I don’t particularly like it.
Here is the beautiful thing. Even though I’m experiencing growing pains, I’m sticking with it. I want to grow, I want to learn how to live with someone else because I’m serious about having a romantic partner. I also realize what I want, what makes me happy, changes. It wasn’t so long ago that I was happiest when I was left by myself to watch TV and veg out. These days I find I’m happiest when I’m connecting with other people, when I get to experience deep friendship. When I’m truly seen for who I am and still accepted. So even though I’m feeling uncomfortable, I know this too shall pass. That eventually I’ll grow into my new situation. Because I always do. And more than that, I want to.
I dream of a world where we allow ourselves to be uncomfortable. A world where we move beyond the familiar. A world where we keep growing and changing even when it’s painful. A world where we are patient with ourselves as we go through the process. A world where we know growing pains are a part of life and we allow ourselves to move through them.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I am too tired to write a blogpost tonight, so instead I’m going to link to a story about a community’s outpouring of support for a family-owned business instead of a corporate chain. Because sometimes the little guy really can win:
In the era of big boxes, a day for the little guy.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I can say unequivocally this has been the most stressful week of my life. I’m including in that list the week I got laid off, the week sprained my ankle, the week I moved across the country, the week I graduated from college, etc. On top of the general stress of packing/moving, I also had to contend with painting AND getting my book Just a Girl from Kansas to the printer. So in this week of crazy, I had several very sweet moments of being shown how my needs will be met and the universe will provide for me.
On a small scale, on Wednesday my lips were extremely chapped and I’d left my chapstick at home. I kept thinking I would love to rub some olive oil on them and I hoped my new home would have some. As I walked into the kitchen, there sat a huge jar of olive oil, which hadn’t been there the previous day. I also realized I needed boxes for the move, which I found in our garage. It was interesting to me I found these two items at the house I was moving into – like it was an indicator of things to come. This is tangential but related, I just traipsed down to the garden and snipped some lettuce leaves and started chuckling to myself because about a year ago I had the conversation with a friend that I would like to live somewhere with a garden but not have to tend to it myself. Tada!
On a larger scale, I really had no idea how I would pack and move everything by 1:30 p.m. yesterday. What with the painting, the time I had allotted for packing got eaten up. My deadline was self-imposed, but with good reason. This is the last weekend in January and I didn’t want to have to pay for rent in February. Plus, if I needed extra time beyond Saturday I wanted to give myself that buffer. I almost started hyperventilating on Thursday, wondering how I would get it all done. The universe provides, because my (former) downstairs neighbor came up to help me. She packed while I ate dinner. Then on Friday a friend called and he said he could help me pack Saturday morning. And the help kept coming. Friend after friend came by to help me pack and move. One left to do other things and then came back.
I already wrote them all a gushy e-mail, but in essence I am overcome with gratitude and appreciation. I am in awe and in love with how the universe is providing for me. And not only that, but I’m allowing myself to receive it. It wasn’t too long ago that I would have stayed up all night packing by myself because I didn’t want any help. Or because I was too scared to ask. To allow that to come in is huge.
This post is a little all over the place, but in essence, I’m seeing how the universe provides for me. How the universe takes care of me. How it ensures all of my needs will be met. I’m seeing that what I need will always be there if I give it long enough. And that my friends, is a sweet place to be in.
I dream of a world where we know the universe will provide us with what we need. A world where we allow ourselves to receive our hearts wishes. A world where we reach out and ask for help, knowing it will come. A world where bask in the knowledge all of our needs will always be met.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This post is a continuation of one I wrote a few weeks ago called “It won’t look the way we think,” because I’m finding what I think I want and what I actually want can sometimes be two different things. This happens to me at times when my life is about to undergo a major shift, when I’m shedding old skin and growing into someone new. The first time my egoic desires didn’t line up with my heart’s desires was when I had to decide whether to move to San Francisco or not. After college I really thought I’d be happy living in the suburbs of D.C. for the rest of my life with a husband and two cats, writing for a magazine. The universe had other things in mind and threw me an enormous curveball by telling me, “No. You don’t want to live in D.C. forever – you need to move to San Francisco.” The journey that took me from D.C. to California is detailed extensively in my book, Just a Girl from Kansas, which will be available to friends and family (and followers of this blog) in the next few weeks. And now I find myself at another crossroads.
Many of you already know this – especially because I blogged about it in November – but I have had a HELL of a time sleeping in my apartment. It’s been one damn thing after another since August. In my mind, I was going to live in this apartment until I got married but the universe has other plans because it’s again telling me, “No, you need to move now.” I know this because it has literally been one thing after another to keep me from enjoying my space, not to mention I’m scared to go to sleep every night because I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep through it. My friend said to me, “That’s no way to live.” And he’s right, it’s not. The interesting thing is prior to all of this no-sleeping business I literally cried multiple times because I wished someone would make dinner for me while I packed to leave for a trip. I thought it was going to be in the form of a boyfriend, but it turns out I’m moving into a house where they like to make dinner for everyone in it.
This moving situation is again an instance where my head desires and heart desires are misaligned because the house is everything I’ve asked for. It’s big, has an alcove separate from my bedroom that can be my work space, it’s sunny, with a dishwasher, washer and dryer, close to public transportation, quiet, and filled with people who are ready and willing to share cooking and cleaning. Sounds like what I ultimately wanted, yes?
I’ve been grieving about leaving my old place because I really have loved living here. While listening to Doreen Virtue’s blog radio show I finally felt some peace. The caller (also named Rebecca) said her life feels like it’s unraveling. Doreen’s response to her was, “Let your life unravel – that’s not what you want anymore anyway.” Her words struck me because that’s also true for me. Because I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to live here anymore. I don’t want to constantly have to assert myself. I don’t want to have to deal with random noises and neighbors and parking lots attendants whistling to get someone’s attention. I’m trading that all in for a place where I hear birds whistling, not people. Where there’s no one stomping around above me. Where I don’t have to worry about passing crack addicts and homeless people. So maybe my higher power knows what I want and need better than I do.
I dream of a world where we allow ourselves to move with the universal energy that’s guiding us. A world where we stretch our goals and dreams and allow them to change as we change. A world where we pay attention to the reality before us and do something about it. A world where we know sometimes our heart and our head won’t match up but that’s ok, because in the end we’ll get what we ultimately wanted anyway.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Last night I went to a party a friend of mine from high school was throwing. I hadn’t seen him in YEARS, as in, possibly six or more, and yet when we saw each other it was like no time had passed. I love those friendships because they illustrate to me the basic truth that love never dies. You can lose contact with someone for years and when you see them again all the old feelings rush back. And that’s the case for romantic relationships as well. That’s probably why so many people get back together with their old flames. I get the warm fuzzies knowing love is one of those things that lasts.
Right about now is probably when you’re saying, “Love doesn’t always last.” I think it does, actually. It may just get transmuted into other feelings like anger, resentment, or distaste. But if love wasn’t there, the feelings wouldn’t be either. In my opinion the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s apathy. There’s a reason why we say there’s a thin line between love and hate. If a person is generally the same one we met, there’s a good chance we’ll continue to love them, possibly for eternity. The way my life is going right now it’s nice to hold onto some permanence. I’m not saying I’ll forever be in love with a person, but I do think I’ll forever love them, make sense?
I’m not sure why I’m writing about this except that it really does inspire me. To not see someone for years, to not have any contact with them, and then when they reenter your orbit to still love and care about them as if they’ve been around all along. Because on some level they have. We’re all connected, we’re all one, so maybe when someone comes into your life they’re always a part of it. And perhaps they’re a part of your life even before you met, you just didn’t know it. I enjoy knowing that love can endure. That even if there were personal issues that kept you apart you can still love someone. That to me is a beautiful thing. It’s an amazing expression of who we are as human beings. It’s an amazing expression of how time doesn’t mean much after all. Of how we’re not as separate as we’re led to believe.
I’m rambling a bit but I’m grateful and I’m inspired because love endures! It lasts. It’s sweet and precious and doesn’t go away because you’ve lost contact or had a fight or moved. It never left.
I dream of a world where we revel in the notion love endures. That we can lose contact with someone and still love them. A world where we understand in many ways time is meaningless. A world where we allow ourselves to give and receive love because we understand that it will last.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I have preconceived notions of what my life will look like and how I will get my needs met. What I’m finding out though is the universe is so much bigger and broader and takes care of me in ways I didn’t think it would. For instance, this week I’ve been sick. As in so sick I didn’t leave the house for three days and mainlined tea like it was my job. I had this idea the only people who would take care of me when I’m sick are my mom and my boyfriend. Well, my mom lives in Seattle and my boyfriend is nonexistent, so I resigned myself to being really pathetic on the couch. Instead, however, my good friend come over and made me dinner and tea. How sweet is that?
What I found really touching is my needs are getting met, just not how I thought they would. It reminds me of one of my favorite movies Under the Tuscan Sun. At the beginning of the movie Diane Lane’s character says she wants a family in her house, and a wedding, and someone to cook for. In the end, it’s pointed out to her there is a family in her house, and she did host a wedding, and there were plenty of people to cook for – just not a significant other. The family was her best friend and her best friend’s baby, the wedding was for a neighbor, and the people to cook for were the contractors on her house. But it still all happened. All her needs and desires were fulfilled. That’s what’s going on with me these days. I don’t have a significant other but that doesn’t mean my life is limited because of it. I have friends making me dinner, a community to support me, and a family to lean on. I’m getting what I want, just not the way I thought I would.
I guess this post is about how my view is limited, how I can get tunnel vision, but how the universe gets to see everything. How my higher power says, “I will give you everything you want and more, but it’s going to come out of left field.” Because I didn’t expect these things. I didn’t expect anyone would voluntarily make me dinner while being sick because that seems like a contractual obligation or something that goes along with being my boyfriend. How lovely though that there are people in my life who are willing to do that. I am one lucky girl.
This post is also an effort for me to commit to letting the universe work its magic and not get caught up in the “how.” Doreen Virtue had a great quote where she said we want to hand life a script and quibble about what’s on page 42. I don’t want to quibble about page 42 anymore. I would rather say, “Hey God, here’s what I want, here are my needs and desires, I know they’ll be fulfilled, and I look forward to seeing how you make it happen.” Because in the end it most likely won’t look how I think it will.
I dream of a world where we’re open to all possibilities. A world where we understand our needs and desires get met in interesting and unique ways. A world where we don’t hand the universe a script because we realize it’s more like improv – there are certain parameters but for the most part stuff gets made up on the fly. I dream of a world we rest easy knowing we’ll get exactly what we need. and most of what we want as long as we’re open to whatever form that will take.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.