“I need it. I have to have it. I want it, why can’t you give it to me?” That’s how I feel this week. An upwelling urge of “this must be in my life.” I feel like I’m pleading my case to God/the Universe/Brahma trying to make Him understand why it’s important for me to get what I want.
“You see God, it’s not a matter of want, it’s a matter of need and that makes all the difference. Need trumps want, dontcha know?”
Abraham Hicks says, “We found that to be the case with your mother. If you pleaded a really needy case, sometimes she’d give up the goods.” (If you want to hear more of what Abraham has to say on neediness, you can go here.)
Dear Father In The Clouds, isn’t it the same with you? If I tell you what I need and why I need it, will you also give up the goods? Somehow, weirdly, the answer is no. (And doesn’t that just blow?) The only way I can describe why that’s the case is to liken neediness to desperation. I wrote about this before, but as a freshman in college at UNC I was desperate for friends and I had the worst time making any. When people smell the desperation on you they stay far, far away. It’s probably the same with the Universe. When you are desperate and needy the energy just isn’t flowing. I don’t think God says, “Rebekah, you cannot have what you want,” because I don’t think God is Santa Claus, but I will say there is something to the law of attraction and the energy I’m putting out.
If what I want is beautiful and wholesome and flowing how does feeling needy, desperate and clingy make me a match to what I want? It doesn’t. I think for a long time I’ve equated need with want, but in truth they’re not the same. Wants and desires are natural. They are what keep us propelling forward and moving through life. They are what dictate progress and expansion.
Last week a friend of mine said he reached a point where he was without desire and he stood still for an hour because he didn’t know what to do next. He was practically paralyzed because he didn’t have a desire to do anything. I think it’s a poignant example of how desires are a good thing. It’s fine for me to want something, in fact, it’s expected. The need though? The desperate clingy feeling that goes along with it? That’s unnecessary.
In truth, all I need I already have. On a mundane level I have food to eat, a place to sleep, water to drink, and a supportive community. I’m set. On a spiritual level I am already whole and complete and perfect. My needs are taken care of. Wants, well, those are an entirely different beast.
It’s ok to have wants. It’s perfectly natural. But you know? I don’t need my wants to manifest. I don’t have to plead my case to God to grant my wishes. Instead I can say, “It would be nice to have X.” It feels good to fantasize about those things, trusting if they’re meant to be, they’ll happen. To know all that stuff has its own timeline and can’t be rushed. To also acknowledge I am where I am and where I am is alright. To stay in the place of gratitude and appreciation for my life as it is, not as I wish it to be.
I dream of world where we separate needs and wants. Where we acknowledge all we need we already have. That we are fulfilled by all that is already given to us. I dream of a world where we fantasize about our wants, recognizing neediness doesn’t make them come any faster. A world where love where we are and are eager to experience what’s next.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Right now my mind is whirling. It’s filled with visions of past people and situations. Of old friends, favorite teachers and former crushes. I’m mulling over my past self — who I was was and what I did. Last night was my eight year high school reunion (yes, eight year. It’s a small school and they combined classes from 1997-2002). Talk about a time warp. It’s a trip to see yourself in the eyes of another while you try to convince them in the span of five minutes you aren’t the same. That you are no longer that girl who lacks perspective, who gets so trapped in the details of life she doesn’t see the big picture. But of course to them you’ll always be the person who wore a yellow tanktop over a plaid shirt for tacky day.
I remarked to a friend of mine it’s weird to go from seeing certain people every day for years to all of a sudden not at all and then suddenly to see them again. I’m still tripping out this morning because my mind likes to reconcile the past with the present. To put together past selves with current realities. It’s like a puzzle — in high school you were this person and today you’re this person. Maybe it’s the journalist in me but I want to know the story. How did it all happen? How did you end up doing what you’re doing? I think I’m also still tripping out about my reunion because I’m not satisfied. I don’t know the stories. I don’t know the progressions from the past to the present. All I have are past selves and now current selves with no idea what happened in between. Perhaps though it doesn’t matter.
As I wrote about last week (and many times before), all there is is now. All there is is here. This moment in time as I sit on my bed typing on a borrowed laptop so old the wireless card is external. My mind likes to latch onto the past and mull it over but really the past matters only so much as I let it. It matters only as much as I allow it to shape the now. Of course there are consequences for every action and those consequences are still playing out, but me? My person? I get to decide moment by moment who I am and how my life will work. As Louise Hay says, “The point of of power is always in the now.” It doesn’t really matter who I was and what I did because I’m dealing with the now. The person I am today. The person who writes a weekly blog in the hopes her own struggles and insights will help others on their path of self-realization.
I may never know how my peers got to where they are and that’s ok. Because they’re here now. They’re nurses and actors and stay-at-home moms. They’re photographers and lawyers and teachers. All the trappings of what they’re doing pale in comparison to who they are. To their essence. I already know their essence, just as I know my own essence. We are all love incarnate. Divine beings in human form. Therefore I know them already. Even with eight year gaps and stories in between we still know one another. Because their essence remains unchanged. When I dip into all that is I recognize that. I no longer feel the pain of separation or the rupture of an abrupt goodbye. Because I am you and you are me. When I feel sadness it’s because I’ve forgotten that. Forgotten who I really am and where I come from, and I don’t mean Wichita, Kan. There are no goodbyes because how do you say goodbye to yourself? Even when you lose yourself you’ll eventually find you again. It’s inevitable.
We are always connected to each other and that will not change. No matter what happens in the physical realm, in the spiritual realm we are all one. So the fact I didn’t get to say goodbye to some folks, or that others didn’t attend the reunion, doesn’t ultimately matter. Time goes on and things in the physical world unfold but really we are eternal creatures. Outer appearances change but we remain the same.
I dream of a world where we recognize we are all connected at all times. A world where we understand “goodbye” is just a word because separation is an illusion. A world where we recognize our essence is what matters above all else. Above what we’re doing and how we got there. I dream of a world where we see ourselves for who we are really are: spiritual beings having a human experience.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
A friend of mine says FEAR stands for F— Everything And Run. I tend to agree. This week some fear has been coming up for me. Old, residual fear about money, the future, blah, blah, blah. I’ve been tapping along to Brad Yates’ “Fear And Panic Right Now,” and I’ve realized I don’t need my f— everything and run response anymore. Fear does not keep me safe. Fear does not help me handle a situation. Fear doesn’t do anything except make me afraid.
“The reason why you don’t put your hand in the fire is not because of fear, it’s because you know that you’ll get burned. You don’t need fear to avoid unnecessary danger – just a minimum of intelligence and common sense. For such practical matters, it is useful to apply the lessons learned in the past. . .The psychological condition of fear is divorced from any concrete and immediate danger. . .This kind of psychological fear is always of something that might happen, not of something that is happening now. You are in the here and now, while your mind is in the future.”
“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.”
Something kicking around in my head today is the idea we are not problem solvers, we are solution allowers. When I’m confronted with a problem I automatically jump to, “How can I fix it?” I like to plot all the possible solutions to the problem and then choose the best one. Somehow I’ve been trained to think it’s my job. In truth, it’s not.
When I was in college my scholarships and grants didn’t cover all of my expenses. I started off living in a house with some friends of mine but after one semester I couldn’t continue to afford it. My solution was to become an RA. Live on campus for free! Get paid for it! I put on my most charming smile and went to the interview assured I would get the job.
I didn’t.
Not only did I not get the job, but they made a guy I deemed creepy and who acted inappropriately toward women an RA. Someone who used to leer at friends of mine and may or may not have groped a mutual friend of ours. What did I do? I went to the head honchos and I complained. How could they not have given me the job??? How could they have given the position to that other guy???
I sat in the woman’s office and I cried about how unfair it all was, how I was a way better candidate than Joe Schmoe over there. Somehow I thought if only she saw how much I cared and how much this other guy didn’t deserve it, they would magically give the job to me. My act of outrage accomplished nothing other than moistening my cheeks with tears.
What to do next? I thought about being a nanny but geez, I was a senior in college. I didn’t have the time or the patience for that. I scoured Craigslist and university job boards looking for something. I felt inspired to look up babysitting gigs. What ended up happening is I became a live-in babysitter for a 10 year old. My only responsibilities were to pick her up from school everyday (which was within walking distance from the house!) and watch her until her parents came home from work. In exchange I lived rent free in their basement apartment. And not some studio either. A big apartment with a living room, bedroom, and kitchen. What the Universe provided for me was way better than what I picked out for myself.
Living in the dorms I would have used the communal kitchen, requiring me to schlep all my pots and pans as well as the ingredients to and fro. I would have had to deal with drunken students and fire alarms and floor activities to promote bonding. As a live-in babysitter? I just had to watch a sweet 10 year old for a few hours a day. And the family let me use their car when I needed it.
I guess I’m saying the Universe already has the solution to all of our problems lined up. All the live-in babysitter scenarios we could ask for. All the everything. It’s not my responsibility to figure everything out. It’s my responsibility to allow the best things to come to me. To take inspired action. To do what moves me, knowing and trusting the Universe along the way. The solution to the problem? It already exists – I just need to be open to hearing it.
I dream of a world where we realize everything we experience on this Earth is for the purpose of expansion. Where we realize our purpose is to not to solve problems but to live our solutions. A world where we allow ourselves to be taken to the solution as opposed to trying to force our own will. A world where we know all we need we already have.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Oh perfectionism. I know thee well. You are the character trait that says, “I don’t want to make any mistakes at all. Ever. I want to do things right the first time, all the time.” You are the character trait I displayed the most while in school because you were frequently rewarded. Every time I did something “perfectly” I got an A, which got me attention, love, respect, validation. I got pats on the head and encouragement every time I trotted you out. I’ve attributed the successes of my life to you, thinking you were the reason, you were my motivator. And even though I graduated years ago I’ve carried you with me ever since.
During a conversation with a friend this week I kept hearing the refrain, “Why aren’t you more like her? She is better than you are. Change yourself. Why aren’t you more like her? She is better than you are. . .” It was on a loop in my head.
This post is an extension of last week’s topic on shame. Last week I realized shame is not seeing myself the way Source sees me. Not viewing myself through the eyes of unconditional love. I also realized guilt is judging myself for doing or not doing something I think I “should.” I started thinking about why guilt and shame come up for me in the first place because if they didn’t serve a purpose, they wouldn’t keep appearing. Then it hit me: I’ve been thinking guilt and shame are my motivators. If I feel badly enough about something then I’ll stop (or start) whatever it is. If I feel badly enough about eating 10 cookies then I’ll stop. If I feel badly enough about my mom making dinner every night I’ll start cooking instead.
Does anyone else think of that kid’s song when they hear, “Shame, shame, shame?” Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, right. Shame. It’s my issue du jour this week. There’s a whole lot of, “Oh my god I can’t believe I did that,” and “What would people think if they found out?!?”