I love my mother. She did a fantastic job not only of taking care of my siblings and me, but showing us how to do things for ourselves. It’s because of my mother that I’m able to cook, clean and sew buttons. Even though I’m a grown woman I still sometimes want to be babied. And by that I mean I still want someone else to take care of me. Not in the sense I want a sugardaddy, but I want someone else to make dinner and wash the dishes and take over for a while because right now it seems like everything falls on my shoulders.
Since I’m out of my parents’ house, that means I’m the sole person responsible for my well-being. I have to take care of everything and it can be exhausting, so of course I want to be babied every now and again. Except my view of the world has been flawed. I don’t have to do everything myself. I don’t have to rely completely on myself to take care of me because there is a power greater than myself I haven’t factored into the equation.
It’s a subtle thing, but of late I recognize God takes care of me. I’m not walking through this world completely alone because the universe supports and loves me. There’s an energetic difference because now I’m allowing myself to be taken care of. I’m allowing my higher power to show up for me and shoulder my burdens. One of my burdens is financial. I’m only working part time and I’m freelancing to pay the bills. I’ve been fretting because it feels like I’m completely responsible for all of it. I’ve been telling myself I have to run ragged to make ends meet. I have to find those opportunities, market myself, get out in the world. Everything is on me. I’ve written about allowing things to be what they are to come my way, but this is different. This is me acknowledging it doesn’t have to be my concern. I can let God be my ultimate caretaker.
I’m probably rambling a bit but what I’m getting at is God can be the one who’s in charge. The one who makes decisions and steers my life. I don’t have to constantly decide for myself whether something is a good idea or not. I don’t have to stew in worry and anxiety about the world because instead I can check in with my higher power. I can let my higher power decide what’s best for me, where the money will come from, all of it. I am not alone in the world. Not only because I have friends and a community but because there is an energetic being that watches out for me all the time. That sticks with me through thick and thin. That will never abandon me no matter how angry or whiny or childish I act.
I love my mother and I’m extremely grateful for all that she’s done for me. But now I’m allowing my higher power to take over that role for me because really that’s exactly what my higher power is supposed to do.
On this mother’s day, I dream of a world where we let ourselves be taken care of by a power greater than ourselves. A world where we let our mothers also be mothered. A world where we let someone else shoulder the burden for a while. A world where we feel at peace because we know someone else is taking the reins. A world where we know we’ll be provided for now and always.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Where I am today is complete allowance of all that is. Not all of you will understand this blogpost, and that’s ok. It’s written for those of you it resonates with.
A few weeks ago I told my mom it’s a miracle I’m feeling my feelings. She said, “Rebekah, you’re human, so of course you’re feeling your feelings.” No. Not true. I have used everything to escape feeling my emotions – food, television, books, crushes – anything besides feeling them. The fact I’m now feeling my emotions really is a miracle. On Friday night I felt sad and lonely and a little crazy and instead of reaching for something to distract me, I just felt my feelings. I wanted to use affirmations, put a positive spin on all of it, but ultimately I allowed what was.
I am completely allowing myself to feel my feelings: good, bad, and ugly. I am no longer forcing myself to feel better or trying to hide parts of myself for fear others will judge me. Not just my feelings, but all parts of me. On Friday I even *gasp* went to the pool without shaving. It was perhaps the first time I walked into the pool completely unselfconscious. It was perhaps the first time in my life I allowed myself to be who I am in public without fear, without hesitation. Most of the time I’m only my true self when I feel it’s safe to do so: in the comfort of my home, with friends, at spiritual retreats. Friday was the first time it didn’t matter to me if I was being judged.
This all comes at a great time because I finished editing my book and I sent it to a professional copyeditor. I’m freaking out because that means someone else is going to read it! That probably sounds really funny because, um, when you write books you generally want people to read them. And furthermore I blog regularly about my personal life so why the commotion?
The commotion is Just a Girl From Kansas is not my blog. It’s much more personal. People are going to read my journal entries. They’re going to read my most intimate thoughts and feelings. They’re going to experience all the highs and lows I went through when I first moved to California and everything after that. It’s not a light and fluffy account. It’s my real life in its most raw form.
I’m scared because after this there is no more hiding. There is no pretending I’m a “normal” girl with a “perfect” life. All my crazy will be on display and how will people react? Except I’m not sure it matters all that much, because like I wrote a few weeks ago, those that mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. What it really comes down to is me. Allowing myself to be all that I am, allowing myself to be who I am without limits. Allowing all expressions of myself, allowing all parts of myself to exist and know they’re all ok. No one part is better than the other. Even my unpleasant feelings are acceptable. Even my sometimes-hairy legs are acceptable. I can allow all of it.
I dream of a world where we allow ourselves to be all that we can be. A world where we give ourselves permission to do so. A world where we show up for our lives and let things be what they are. A world where we love ourselves unconditionally, even the parts we don’t necessarily want the world to see. A world where we live in complete allowance knowing self-love is what matters the most.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.