Most of you probably associate the phrase “born this way” with Lady Gaga’s song. One of the things I love about Lady Gaga is she so unabashedly loves and accepts herself and she encourages others to do the same. Her song, and subsequent foundation, center primarily on LGBTQ youth but there are another sect who were “born this way.” Addicts. I’ve been tip-toeing around this for years, but I’m finally going to say it: I’m an addict. I just broke a bunch of rules by announcing that to the world, so before I go further, please know I don’t speak on behalf of anyone, I’m not representative of any organization. I can only tell you about me and my experience.
It may surprise some of you to hear I’m an addict considering I don’t drink or do drugs, there are no track lines on my arms. From the outside I look pretty “normal.” But I very much am an addict. In my post from a few weeks ago, I wrote about how I’ve been crying off and on now that my book Just a Girl from Kansas has been sent to friends and family members. After talking with a good friend, I realized it’s because I’ve felt deeply ashamed. I’ve felt ashamed of revealing to the entire world my private thoughts and behaviors. I’ve been ashamed to let people know I’m an addict. That’s probably because there’s still a stigma attached to addicts. They’re often portrayed in the media as engaging in risky behavior or otherwise self-destructing. There are very few positive role models for addicts. I think it’s because there is an air of secrecy, of anonymity. And the anonymity can breed shame because if you don’t tell people, if they’re not supposed to know, isn’t it like you have a dirty little secret?
I’m writing this post because I’ve heard so many people this week talk about how ashamed they feel of being an addict, myself included. How it’s a terrible, awful thing that no one but other addicts can know about. The disease becomes a moral issue, makes me a “bad” person. I’m writing this post for other addicts, and for anyone else who thinks they have to be ashamed of who they are. I’m here to tell you the person who smokes pot, the person who pays for sex, the person who drowns themselves in alcohol, or gambles away their life savings is not a bad person. They’re a person in pain. None of those people, myself included, chose to be this way. Nobody likes the fact they feel compelled to do something like pull food from the garbage can and eat it. Nobody wants to admit to that. We were born this way.
I am not a bad person. I’m a very good person. My creator made me this way so how can I say it’s something to be ashamed of. Do you tell a lily to be ashamed it smells the way it does? Do you tell a cat to be ashamed it likes to chase mice? So why should I be ashamed of the way that I am? I really can’t help it. Instead of wasting so much time and energy “hiding” my secret or berating myself for who I am, I’d rather practice love and acceptance. I’d rather say, this is who I am, and who I am is just fine. Because it is. Because I was born this way.
I dream of a world where we all feel loved and accepted for who we are. A world where we know we were all born the way we are and there’s no need to feel ashamed of it. A world where we treat everyone with compassion because behind their words and actions probably lies a person in a lot of pain. A person who wants to know it’s safe for me them to be themselves. I dream of a world where that person knows that it is safe to be who they are because who they are is beautiful. Because they were born that way.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
So my book is finally out. And by that I mean it’s been sent to reviewers, friends, and family. All day today I’ve felt uncomfortable because I’ve been nervous about how the book will be received. I thought it was because I worried about whether people will like it or not, but in truth that’s not what’s bothering me. In truth, I’m scared. I’m scared that once people read all my personal details, once everyone sees how my mind works, that my friends will decide to disassociate with me. That once my true self is revealed I’ll be shunned.
This is an old story for me, one from childhood. I’ve believed I didn’t have friends as a kid because once my peers found out how weird I was they decided not to have anything to do with me. That’s how I viewed things through my childhood lens. But as an adult I can see a fuller, more accurate picture. That’s really not what happened. I had friends. Nobody shunned me. Really I was the one rejecting them because I didn’t feel a connection. I chose to spend time by myself rather than with people I didn’t share anything in common with. It wasn’t because I was a weirdo loser freak that scared people off. It wasn’t because people found out about “the real me.”
As an adult I also know people like learning about vulnerabilities, they LOVE hearing about the deeply personal stuff because that’s how we connect with one another. I love it when people feel like they can confide in me. When they want to talk about what’s really going on. My book is an opportunity of sorts to have the same thing happen, to allow people to connect with me. Instead of keeping others at arm’s length, I’m letting people in. I think that’s what’s so scary. I don’t get to pick and choose who I’m letting in, it’s anyone who’s interested in my story.
I also think about how people have shared with me things they were ashamed of, things that are not widely accepted or approved of, and my response was not to go running from the room. My response was not to turn up my nose in disgust. Instead I felt compassion for the person, for the pain that drove them to act out in such a way. I’m hoping my friends will react the same way. Instead of cutting off all ties because they found out some things that happened years ago, they’ll react with compassion and with love. Because when I’ve been my most vulnerable that’s all I’ve ever received.
I guess I’m saying I can look at a story that has shaped my identity and how I move about the world with a different lens. These days I get to see the reality of what happened to me instead of just the pain. I get to heal my childhood trauma and recognize I wasn’t as powerless as I led myself to believe. That I had a choice in things. That I co-created an experience for myself.
As far as my book, no one will turn me out because they suddenly find out I’m human and I have feelings. They won’t say, “Sorry Rebekah, you’re not the person I thought you were,” because they learned more about me. But if they do, is that really someone I want in my life anyone? I choose to know it’s safe to be me, that it’s safe to express myself, that I can view my life’s events from another lens and thus experience some peace.
I dream of a world where we know it’s safe to reveal our true colors. A world where we feel comfortable sharing our raw and honest emotions. A world where we examine our past with a different lens acknowledging things were perhaps not what they seemed.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
The universe is just so funny sometimes. I obviously love Marianne Williamson — I’ve referenced A Return to Love numerous times, as recently as last Sunday. Well get this. A PR lady e-mailed me out of the blue to notify me as part of the “Fairness Campaign Speaker Summit” Marianne Williamson will be speaking Monday August 8 at 4pm PT/ 7pm ET. And it’s totally free! (I have to say there are other AMAZING speakers as part of the summit, which goes through the 14th. I highly encourage you to check it out.) The link is http://masterful.net/thebond. I LOVE that they’re doing this summit because it’s combining some of the most popular and influential people like Marianne Williamson, Rev. Michael Beckwith (who I’ve also blogged about), and Jack Canfield to encourage us to bring a better world into being. To remind us we — you and I — really can make a difference.
As an extra incentive I’ll be giving away a copy of Author, Healer and Fairness Campaign Producer Jennifer McLean’s BIG BOOK OF YOU (currently sold out on Amazon.com)! Just leave a comment and I’ll randomly select a winner. Enjoy!
Years ago when someone said to me, “More than anything I just want to feel at peace,” my immediate reaction was, “Pssshaw. Peace? I don’t want to feel at peace! I want _______.” I wanted what I wanted. None of this “peace” business. Give me a great body, clear skin, a full bank account, a loving boyfriend, and a nice place to live and then maybe we can talk about peace.
What’s funny is peace is all I want these days too. I want to be even keel, not obsessing, worrying, or acting compulsively. That’s how I define peace. A sense of calmness, being unperturbed despite the hullabaloo taking place around me. Internal peace is feeling everything will be ok no matter the outcome. My friend B would call that “unconditional serenity.” Yeah. That’s what I want. Serenity without conditions.
I bring this up because when I launched my kickstarter campaign I was in a right state – obsessing over how much I had left to go, worrying I won’t make it, compulsively checking and sending my email. And now? Of course I care, of course I’m still taking action, of course I’m still encouraging folks to donate, but honestly, I’d rather feel at peace about it. And not just my kickstarter campaign, but my entire life. I’d rather just trust it will turn out the way it’s supposed to. And I don’t have to worry about the future because I’m not in the future, I’m in the present. And for today I have enough money in the bank and my kickstarter campaign is 41% funded. So you know what? We’re all good. Not only that, it’s out of my hands.
That’s the truth of it. I’m not in control of pretty much anything except my own thoughts and actions. I do not control whether people donate. I do not control whether I get more freelance work. All I control are my thoughts – which are that the universe supports and loves me – and my actions – which are I will continue to email people and continue to look for freelancing work. The end results are not up to me.
The thoughts though. Oh my goodness the thoughts. I’ve had to tell myself over and over again the universe supports and loves me. And the campaign will either be successful or it won’t. Because the truth is I don’t like stewing in the same pattern of, “Will it be successful? Should I email more people? Who should I contact? Who should I not contact? Will you give me money? How about you? What about your friends?” I’m still going to email folks but it doesn’t have to be a constant barrage of “Will we make it? Will we make it?” Dear Lord, just give me peace!
So that’s what I’m praying for. For my higher power to take this from me. To allow me to be of service. To allow me to get out of my own head. I’m praying for trust and faith in the universe. I’m praying to know that no matter what happens to recognize it’s in my best interest. I’m praying for clear guidance and for the obsession to lift. And I pray for other people as well.
I dream of a world where we all know the exquisite experience of internal peace. A world where we all ask for peace in any situation because we know we have the power to do so. A world where we trust ourselves and we trust the universe. A world where we allow the universe to flow through us and around us. A world where we live in peace.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Hello! So I've been talking about my book, Just a Girl From Kansas for months and months. Well, I finally launched a kickstarter campaign so I can actually get it published!
For those of you who don't know, Kickstarter is an all or nothing fundraising platform. So that means I either raise all $5k by July 1st or I don't see a dime. So when I say to you, "Every little bit counts," I really mean it! The other cool thing about kickstarter is along with your donation you get a backer reward like a signed copy of the book or a handwritten thank you. If you would consider donating even a little bit I would greatly appreciate it. http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/292967147/get-just-a-girl-from-kansas-published Thank you so much!