Fear is an interesting emotion. In our society, we treat it like a plague – something to cure, attack, avoid. We say, “Screw fear,” or, “Don’t let fear get in the way.” Oftentimes our message about fear is simpler: “Don’t be scared,” as if telling someone to stop being scared could stop them.
In my own relationship with fear, I’ve also treated it like an annoying inconvenience, or an enemy to defeat. For many years I used food to anesthetize myself. Or I escaped into fantasy, books, movies, television. When I realized none of those things would fix my fear, I started using other methods like affirmations, tapping, visualization, etc. Basically, whatever I could do to not feel afraid, I did. And every time I realized fear hadn’t left, I felt discouraged, disappointed, as if I’d failed. As if fear had won and thus I’d lost.
We must enter the cave that we fear. Photo by Joshua Sortino on Unsplash.
The other week, intense fear reared its head in response to the fires north of me. I could see smoke drifting into San Francisco and some days it wafted into Oakland as well, creating a preternatural calm, a sun so hazy and orange I could look at it directly. Fear came up for many reasons, one of them an acute sense of powerlessness. I bought a mask to protect my lungs from the smoke, but I couldn’t control whether the air remained smoky.
In my therapy session, I noticed I wanted my therapist to fix and solve my fear. I wanted him to take it away from me, to make it better. Instead he suggested I sit with it. I’m not sure what happened in the session because days prior I tried the same thing and just couldn’t, but during the session I finally stayed still. I let fear wash over me saying, “It’s OK. It’s OK that you feel afraid. It makes sense. It’s understandable.” For two days, fear erupted from me like a volcano, not due to any thoughts in particular, rather the feeling of fear itself. My heart palpitated, my breathing quickened. I tried all my usual tricks to no avail until I again said, “OK. I’m here with you. I won’t leave you alone with your fear.” And then at group meditation last week I said to my fearful part, “Not only is it OK that you’re here, but also, I love you,” and that brought on the tears.
All every part of me wants is love and presence. I can’t ditch fear and anxiety. As a human being I will inevitably feel scared and anxious again, but since I said, “I love you” to my fearful part, I feel fearless. Not because I’m without fear, but rather because I know when fear pops up again, I’ll allow it, I’ll sit with it, and I’ll say I love you. And then the fear will pass like a storm cloud.
My spiritual teacher says if a person takes shelter in the divine, one need not be afraid of anything. He says, “[F]ear requires two entities for its expression – the one who fears and the cause of fear. Where there is only One entity, because there can be no cause, fear cannot exist.”
In the past, I would have taken that to mean I’m not meditating enough because I still have fears. For today at least, I’m recognizing by loving my fearful self, I am taking shelter in the Cosmic Consciousness. I’m recognizing this fear, too, is a part of me, a part of God, and the way to dissolve fear is by showering it with love.
I dream of a world where we treat our fearful selves with love. A world where we recognize we are not at war with fear, but rather fear is like a small child, begging for affection. A world where we embrace our fearful parts, give it as much love as possible, and in that way become fearless.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
There are a lot of things I want to say today. There are many things I want to talk about, but out of respect for what happened 10 years ago today, instead all I can really say is how horrible. All I can really say is my heart goes out to all of those people who lost friends and family members on September 11. But not only that, my heart goes out to all people, in all countries who have been victims of violence. Anyone who has been made to suffer at the hands of someone else. This won’t be the popular stance, but I’m also praying for the terrorists. I’m praying they’ll come to understand we are all people. We all fundamentally want the same things: love, acceptance, safety. I’m praying that those people whose hearts have been closed off due to fear and hatred will get opened. That they’ll see the error of their ways. I’m praying that people will really get just how interconnected we are and how one act of violence affects all of us and only breeds more violence. I’m praying for peace, knowing peace starts with me. I’m praying that we recognize the good in the world.
Did you know Meetup.com started because of the terrorist attacks? Here’s a letter the CEO Scott Heiferman sent a few days ago:
“Let me tell you the Meetup story. I was living a couple miles from the Twin Towers, and I was the kind of person who thought local community doesn’t matter much if we’ve got the Internet and TV. The only time I thought about my neighbors was when I hoped they wouldn’t bother me.
When the towers fell, I found myself talking to more neighbors in the days after 9/11 than ever before. People said hello to neighbors (next-door and across the city) who they’d normally ignore. People were looking after each other, helping each other, and meeting up with each other. You know, being neighborly.
A lot of people were thinking that maybe 9/11 could bring people together in a lasting way. So the idea for Meetup was born: Could we use the Internet to get off the Internet — and grow local communities?
We didn’t know if it would work. Most people thought it was a crazy idea — especially because terrorism is designed to make people distrust one another.
A small team came together, and we launched Meetup nine months after 9/11.
Today, almost 10 years and 10 million Meetuppers later, it’s working. Every day, thousands of Meetups happen. Moms Meetups, Small Business Meetups, Fitness Meetups . . . a wild variety of 100,000 Meetup Groups with not much in common — except one thing.
Every Meetup starts with people simply saying hello to neighbors. And what often happens next is still amazing to me. They grow businesses and bands together, they teach and motivate each other, they babysit each other’s kids and find other ways to work together. They have fun and find solace together. They make friends and form powerful community. It’s powerful stuff.
It’s a wonderful revolution in local community, and it’s thanks to everyone who shows up.
Meetups aren’t about 9/11, but they may not be happening if it weren’t for 9/11.
9/11 didn’t make us too scared to go outside or talk to strangers. 9/11 didn’t rip us apart. No, we’re building new community together!!!!
The towers fell, but we rise up. And we’re just getting started with these Meetups.”
Because of things like this and more, I know another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I am inspired for a couple of reasons today and both of them revolve around the television show “Lost.” I know, I know I’m one of the last people on Earth to see the television show, but wow! It’s amazing! (Also please note I’m finishing up season three so no spoilers please!)
Firstly, I’m inspired because this show even exists and not only that, it’s crazy popular. It lasted for six seasons and when it was on the air I heard people talking about it/referencing it all the time. I just didn’t watch the show myself. So often people (myself included) trash television as being filled with crap. Most people accuse television of being mindless drivel, so the fact this gem of a show filled with spiritual concepts was on the air is so inspirational to me. It addresses so many issues such as the relativity of good and evil, redemption, serving others, and sacrifice. The last issue is the one I want to address today.
So often “sacrifice” is a dirty word. No one wants to do it. “Sacrifice something for the greater good? Uh, no thanks, ask someone else please.” Wrapping up season three of “Lost” I’m just so inspired. I’ve heard before “sacrifice for the greater good,” but I didn’t really know what it meant. Er, sure, sounds great, but what does that mean? It means sometimes it’s necessary to end one life in order to save others. Tonight I really understood the importance of what soldiers do. Before the issue for me was always, “Why are we fighting a war in the first place?” with little appreciation for the sacrifice other people are going through for my sake. Tonight it occurred to me sacrifice is one of the highest forms of love. To give of yourself in order to serve others? Wow! How noble!
Watching “Lost” is opening my eyes to just how beautiful sacrifice is. I also associate sacrifice with something other people do. It’s the realm of soldiers, of parents, but not of me. Parents sacrifice for their kids by making them dinner even when they’re tired. By choosing to spend money on their children instead of themselves. By staying somewhere just because the schools are good. I always figured I would pay back the sacrifices others have made for me when I became a parent, but I’m seeing now that’s living in the future, something I don’t want to do. Ultimately, sacrifice means undergoing hardship for the sake of others. I sacrifice when I give up my seat on the bus even though I’m dead tired or when I donate money to charity even though I’m struggling financially. And I want to sacrifice because it’s the highest expression of love.
Sacrifice means, “I love you so much I’m willing to undergo hardship for you.” It’s a way of saying, “In this moment I’m placing your needs before my own.” That is true love right there. And that’s why I choose to sacrifice, because I love the cosmic consciousness and I want to serve the cosmic consciousness that is expressed in human form. I love the people in my life so I’m willing to suffer a little bit for their benefit. I also know it’s important for me to practice balance with sacrifice just as with other things. Too much sacrifice means I’m not honoring myself or letting other people express their love for me. And love is the most magical, beautiful, precious gift we can ever give one another.
I dream of a world where we all understand the beauty of sacrifice. A world where we’re willing to undergo hardship for the benefit of others. A world where we express our love for each other by giving of ourselves. A world where we show other people just how important they are to us.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
(Before starting this blogpost I wanted to again mention the live teleconference with Marianne Williamson tomorrow, Aug. 8 for those who are interested.)
I just watched an incredibly inspiring YouTube video by Doreen Virtue on “Moving Ahead With Your Life’s Purpose.” She opens with a quote by Sheldon Kopp who says, “I’ve never begun any important venture for which I felt adequately prepared.” Wow. What a statement. She goes on to say the ego likes to create “delay tactics” declaring we need to take another class or read another book or reach a certain point before we can do what we want to do. At some level this is true – in order to be a doctor it’s important to receive the proper training – but at the same time it’s important to say, “I’m scared but I’m doing it anyway.”
Hearing Doreen I feel relief because it reminds me perhaps I’ll never think I’m ready. Yesterday I was at The Good Festival promoting my business partner’s book Chasing Glass. When it came time to do the math at the end of the day I panicked a little because I wasn’t sure how to account for the percentage the book paid for the expenses versus our other products (always with the math!). A part of me thinks I can’t do any business, I can’t move forward until I know everything there is to know about bookkeeping. Actually, it’s fine for me to say, “I don’t know” and then ask for help. I don’t need to know everything about everything. Just because I don’t solve equations easily doesn’t mean I’m not ready to have a business! It means I need to ask people to help me.
I also realized while watching Doreen’s video my ego interjects not just with my life purpose but with, you know, my life. There are many things I’ve convinced myself I’m not ready for until I reach a certain point. “When I have clearer skin I’ll be ready for my romantic relationship.” “When I lose X amount of weight I’ll feel good about my body.” “When I have X amount of dollars in the bank I’ll move to San Francisco (that one is obviously from my past).” The truth is I’m already ready. I don’t have to meet some end goal in order to be prepared for something. I can take baby steps along the way. Doreen mentions how as a mother of two small children with a book contract she felt scared and overwhelmed by her task. What she did is write one page for her book a day. And you know what? Eventually she finished it. That may seem a little tangential but my point is I am already ready and I can take small steps to accomplish what I want to accomplish. But ultimately even if I’m scared I take action anyway.
I dream of a world where we recognize we are already ready for the things we want. A world where we don’t have to delay our heart’s desires until we reach a certain point. A world where we recognize our egos like to tell us we’re not ready for something when in truth we are. A world where we understand we are already ready.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This weekend I too have been shocked and saddened by what happened in Norway. It seems surreal an event like that could occur. To add to the global grief, beloved musician Amy Winehouse passed away. It’s not the same as bombing a building or opening fire on a group of kids but what has been the same is the outpouring of love, kindness, and compassion for all parties involved. I’ve seen tweet after tweet, facebook post after facebook post of people praying for those in Norway, or lamenting Winehouse’s death. Both events are sad and in response to both events I’ve seen a lot of heartfelt messages.
That is how I know another world is probable. Because love and kindness far outweigh hate and separation. Because for every crazy separatist who thinks violence is the answer there are a hundred gentle souls who know better. There are people who instead of screaming invectives know we are each of us connected. There are people who instead would rather help a stranger carry her portable shopping cart down the stairs. There are people who instead would rather give of themselves than receive in return. For every act of hate I see 10 acts of love. For every person who commits murder I see 10 acts of giving life.
It may not seem like it now but there are more of us than there are of those misguided souls. There is more love in the world than there is hate. There is more joy than there is sorrow. This is not to downplay the emotions people are feeling, but rather to highlight them. Even amidst acts of tragedy there is kindness and sharing. Even after shootings, bombings, floods, tornadoes, tsunamis, etc. people step outside their homes and offer a helping hand. I know this because I’ve seen it. And in these times of heartache it reminds me even more how people are loving, generous, and willing to help. In times like these I see the best of people.
I dream of a world where we all realize love outweighs its opposite. A world where we revel in the kindness shown to us by strangers. A world where we realize there are more good people than there are mean ones. A world where we continue to overpower the hatred expressed by some with the love expressed by many. A world where all the gentle souls rise up and take over. A world where we know there are more of us.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
The title for this post is courtesy of Bryan Franklin who gave a TED talk titled “The most dangerous question on Earth.” He spent the majority of his talk on the qualities of a good entrepreneur and one of them is the ability to hold paradox. For instance, we matter but at the same time we don’t matter. He said, “You can touch a life so deeply and so profoundly that the impact of your loss would never be forgotten … the ripple effect of your impact is unfathomable. And also the magnitude of your insignificance is equally unfathomable … you are barely dust.” Holding the paradox means giving equal weight and importance to both, letting neither diminish the other. Holding the paradox means not taking sides but rather allowing both.
The paradox I’m holding is happiness and sadness. Until yesterday I was in Washington, D.C. for a wedding, which I decided to turn into a long weekend trip. I love Washington, D.C. I went to school there, I became an adult there, my favorite places on Earth are there. Yet I live in San Francisco and I love San Francisco. I love the weather, I love my friends, I love my apartment, my life, my community. I felt (and feel) sad about leaving the district because not only are my favorite places there but also some dear friends. My heart is heavy because I don’t know when I’ll see them again. Washington, D.C. is a special place for me because I don’t have one or two good friends who live there, I have about a dozen. It’s hard to leave such a large and deep pocket of love and kinship. I was sad to leave but happy to come home. A part of me wants to pick a side, to say I’m either sad to leave D.C. or happy to come back to San Francisco. But that’s not true. I honestly feel both.
What I’m learning is my feelings are complex and multifaceted so that means I can feel both. That means I can hold the paradox. I don’t have to pick a side. I don’t have to move back to D.C. because I miss living there. I don’t have to abandon my life in S.F. I don’t have to do anything really except feel what I’m feeling. Allow myself to experience both happiness and sadness, yes, even at the same time.
My life these days is no longer black and white, it’s shades of gray. I am an unlimited being so I don’t have to restrict myself to taking sides in the paradox. I don’t have to say either or anymore. Perhaps that’s what it means to be an adult, recognizing there are numerous possibilities and life isn’t as simple as I thought it was. I can feel both. I can love multiple people, places, and things and nothing has to replace anything else. I can have multiple favorites. I wish everything was cut and dry because life would be so much simpler that way but in truth, it’s not. So that’s what I’m encouraging. Embracing life as it is, which is full of paradox.
I dream of a world where contradicting ideas may coexist. A world where we allow for all possibilities and situations. A world where we allow ourselves to feel disparate emotions. A world where we accept our complexity and our depth. A world where we know one thing does not have to preclude the other.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.