I’m sick right now. I’ve had a low-grade fever for the past few days. I’m not thinking clearly in my fevered state and find myself reaching for everything to feel better. Not only medicinally I mean. I want to eat everything in my fridge, I want to watch all the movies, I want to sleep all day. I want to do everything all at once. And hi, being sick means I’m not satisfied with any of it. I’m a lock searching for a key yet to be found.
It has me thinking about the principles of my spiritual practice. My teacher says mundane pleasures give human beings temporary satisfaction and relief but nothing of a permanent nature. I’m there! I’m acutely aware of that state because I am dissatisfied with everything. I don’t know what I need or what I want other than the general “to feel better.” I eat something and momentarily I feel better, but then I feel worse. I don’t mention all this for pity but rather to express being sick has put me in touch with the pain of being human. When I’m well, the pain and pleasure cycles last longer. When I’m sick, they’re shortened, demonstrating to me how much I desire permanent pleasure.
I want to eat all the cookies! Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash
My spiritual teacher says only by turning toward something infinite and unwavering will we feel permanent pleasure. Communing with a power greater than ourselves is what brings that permanent happiness. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that at the moment I don’t feel spiritually connected. I don’t feel the love of a higher power. I don’t feel in the flow of life. My meditation sucks at the moment because I can’t hold a thought for more than a second or two. It’s taken me twice as long to write this post as normal.
You might be asking yourself, “Why is she even writing this?” I’m writing this as a reminder to me that getting caught in the pain/pleasure cycle sucks. I’m writing this as a reminder to myself that as much as I want to eat cookies, they’re not ultimately going to make me feel better. I need rest and medicine at the moment, but even when I’m not sick, I’m more satisfied, more content when I’m not chasing one thing or another. I’m more content when I turn inward during meditation and when I turn outward to serve others. Happiness cannot be found at the bottom of a bag or a box anymore than it can be found at the bottom of a bottle.
I often forget where true happiness lies even when I’m not sick because I think it can be found through a career highlight or a romantic relationship. Those things absolutely contribute to happiness but not of a lasting nature. Lasting happiness comes from communion with a higher power and serving others. The more I remember that, the better.
I dream of a world where we recognize what will make us truly happy. A world where we understand material things only contribute to our happiness in a fleeting way. A world where we turn inward to meditate on the divine and turn outward to serve others.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
On Monday, I woke up feeling gross. In physical pain, emotionally drained, tired, and just generally cranky. I wished more than anything that I wasn’t in a physical body. Being a spirit, or angel, or something without form, sounded great. No pain! Just bliss! Alas, that’s not true.
Many years ago, a good friend told me there are only two positions for the feelings switch: on or off. That means either I’m numbed out to everything – joy, sorrow, anger, pain – or I have to feel everything. I can’t pick and choose which emotions I may feel. And that means some days I want to be over as quickly as possible.
If we’re not physical, we can’t enjoy things like skateboarding.
The idea of being a free-floating spirit is so tantalizing though! Would I be in bliss all day long? Would it be a non-stop pleasure fest? No, no it would not because a body is necessary to feel anything at all. And when I’m having a terrible day where I’m in physical pain and everything sucks, of course I don’t want to feel anything. But as my friend reminds me, feeling nothing means I also shut out the good things. The exhilaration of a roller coaster. The joy of spending time with a good friend. The peace of a gorgeous sunset. Without nerve fibers, there is . . . nothing so I must be physical.
I want to be happy all the time. I want to feel good all the time. We live in a society where we’re told if we’re not happy, something is wrong and we need to fix it. Start using affirmations or keep a gratitude journal, or quit a job, dump that boyfriend, go on that vacation. Most people are selling the five keys to happiness, but what if there’s nothing wrong with feeling icky? What if that’s what it means to be human?
We are caught in a pleasure/pain cycle but that’s normal. My spiritual teacher says over and over again that a human body is necessary for meditation and to achieve the ultimate union I seek. That to me means being physical is essential. There are no shortcuts. I don’t get to dance with the divine unless I’m inhabiting a human form. That means feeling sad and angry and disheartened. It also means feeling happy and peaceful and inspired. I don’t get to have some but not others.
I dream of a world where we remember being human means feeling pleasure and pain. A world where we remember we can’t feel good all of the time. A world where we realize while the idea of being non-physical sounds appealing, to experience what we’re really after, a human body is required.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Lately, I keep hearing the message, “Only do things that make you feel good.” Or, “center your life around feeling good.” That sounds great! Who doesn’t want to feel good? I want to feel good all the time, but I see some real dangers from following that philosophy and giving into every desire that I have.
First of all, I’m an addict in recovery so for me, I’m the extreme example of doing whatever I could to feel good. I used to binge on food to the point of discomfort because once the pleasure switch got flipped, I couldn’t stop. It didn’t matter if I was hungry or not – I would keep eating the cookies because they tasted good. That’s part of the problem with the philosophy, “Only do things that make you feel good,” – there is no foresight. If all I can think about in the moment is how good the cookies taste, I’m not thinking in the future I’ll feel sick or have a stomachache. I’m only thinking about the present moment and enjoying it.
Mmmm. Looks good. But I’m allergic to almonds so eating this would be a bad idea no matter how pleasurable in the moment.
How often do we do this? Pursue something because it gives us pleasure and then suffer afterward? I still do this. There are so many foods I’m allergic to but I’ll still eat them sometimes because they taste good. I’m starting to realize, eating them is not worth it. Suffering for hours afterward is not worth the momentary pleasure I derive from eating a piece of pizza.
That’s the thing really about only doing what feels pleasurable, of chasing after desire. It’s temporary and fleeting. There is no lasting and permanent peace or happiness. There is no lasting satiation. That’s why I can’t abide by the “do it if it feels good” philosophy. Not only because I’ll only feel good for a second, but doing what feels good has consequences that more often than not leave me feeling crappy, especially if I haven’t thought my decision through.
I also find the “do it if it feels good” philosophy is rather selfish. I think about the blogpost I wrote back in August, “You plus me equals we,” where I spoke about the dentist who killed Cecil the Lion. That to me is a classic example of “do it if it feels good.” The dentist didn’t think about the consequences of killing Cecil, didn’t think about anything really, except satisfying his own desires. As a result, he caused an international uproar and destroyed his own business in the process as people chose to boycott him due to his actions.
Chasing after one desire and then another all the time only causes temporary relief from pain. Guys, I don’t want temporary relief, I want permanent relief. I want the ultimate good feeling, and I hate to say it, but it comes from practicing restraint and moderation. From using my brain, from thinking about the consequences of my actions, and also from attaching myself to the source of infinite happiness. Permanent happiness comes from meditating on the divine, to seeing everything as an expression of God, and keeping Source at the forefront of my mind. For an addict in recovery like me, it’s the only way I’ll achieve the fix I’m looking for.
I dream of a world where we remember there are consequences for our actions. A world where we don’t chase one desire after another because we realize we’ll never find the satisfaction that we seek. A world where we realize there’s only one way to feel good all the time, and that’s to ensconce ourselves in the divine.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
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